Moriarty Flash News: New Mexico's Hottest Source

16/04/2024

Moriarty, NM: Reginald P. Fumblebun, known to his friends as "Reggie," had the best of intentions but the worst of luck. You see, wherever Reggie went, a trail of smoke and ashes was sure to follow.

It all started one fateful day when Reggie was preparing breakfast for his employer, the town's mayor. As he attempted to make the perfect omelet, a stray spark from the frying pan set the curtains ablaze. In a panic, Reggie flung the pan, which landed in the mayor's prized rosebush, turning it into a smoldering heap.

After that unfortunate incident, Reggie's life took a turn for the worse. The once-respected butler became known as the town's unofficial firestarter. From accidentally igniting the town hall's gazebo during a romantic proposal to unintentionally torching the local barber's mustache during a routine trim, Reggie's fiery mishaps left the townsfolk both amused and terrified.

One particularly eventful afternoon, Reggie was tasked with preparing the annual Moriarty Chili Cook-off. As he stirred the enormous pot of simmering chili, his wristwatch got caught on the ladle, sending the contents of the pot flying into the air. The chili rained down on the cook-off's spectators, who scurried for cover as the searing-hot liquid singed their clothing and set the grassy knoll ablaze.

Despite the chaos that seemed to follow him, Reggie was still loved by the townsfolk. They couldn't help but admire his genuine remorse and constant efforts to make amends. With each fiery escapade, the residents of Moriarty learned a valuable lesson in forgiveness, resilience, and the importance of carrying a fire extinguisher at all times.

As the sun sets on another day in Moriarty, one thing is certain – wherever Reggie P. Fumblebun goes, laughter, chaos, and the occasional inferno are sure to follow. And while his escapades may have reduced the town's buildings to ash, Reggie's fiery mishaps have forged an unbreakable bond between the residents of Moriarty, proving that even the hottest of flames can't melt the spirit of a united community.

15/04/2024

In the quaint town of Moriarty, New Mexico, where tumbleweeds roll and chili peppers reign supreme, a culinary phenomenon known as "Apocalypse Tacos" emerged from the depths of gastronomic madness. This is the story of how these fiery delights came to be.

Legend has it that the creation of Apocalypse Tacos was a result of a culinary experiment gone terribly wrong. It all started when a local chef, known for his eccentricity and love for spicy food, decided to infuse the flavors of the apocalypse into his tacos. Little did he know, this audacious endeavor would ignite a taco revolution that would leave the town of Moriarty in both awe and laughter.

The first batch of Apocalypse Tacos was unleashed upon unsuspecting taste buds during a chili cook-off. The chef, donning a cape and a sombrero, proudly presented his creation to the judges. As they took their first bite, the sheer intensity of the flavors caused an eruption of laughter and tears. Some even claimed to have seen fireworks shooting out of their mouths!

Word of mouth spread like wildfire, and Moriarty soon became the epicenter of taco enthusiasts from far and wide. People flocked to the town, not only to witness the spectacle of Apocalypse Tacos but also to revel in its aftermath. It became a rite of passage for daredevils and thrill-seekers who dared to conquer the fiery beast.

The town of Moriarty embraced the taco fever with open arms. Apocalypse Tacos became the centerpiece of festivals and parades, with locals donning flamboyant taco costumes and marching to the beat of salsa music. The annual "Taco-lympics" were held, where contestants battled it out in taco-eating competitions, attempting to devour as many Apocalypse Tacos as humanly possible without spontaneously combusting.

The legend of Apocalypse Tacos grew, and soon, the town faced a taco shortage, leading to a hilarious quest for the secret recipe. Rumors circulated that the chef had hidden the recipe in a secret underground taco vault, guarded by a mythical creature known as the "Chili-Chupacabra."

Desperate to satisfy their insatiable taco cravings, the townspeople formed teams and embarked on a surreal adventure, braving b***y traps and facing absurd challenges. They encountered taco-loving aliens, salsa-spewing geysers, and even a dancing cactus named Carlos. The quest became a testament to the town's resilience and their unwavering love for Apocalypse Tacos.

After much laughter, chaos, and a few accidental taco explosions, the secret recipe was finally recovered. The town rejoiced as the tacos were once again unleashed upon their taste buds, igniting a new era of spicy delight. Moriarty, NM, became synonymous with laughter, adventure, and the most mind-blowing tacos in the world.

So, if you ever find yourself in Moriarty, be prepared to embark on a journey of culinary madness. Brace yourself for the fiery explosion of flavors, the laughter that will leave your belly aching, and the unforgettable experience of Apocalypse Tacos. Remember, in Moriarty, NM, the end of the world is just the beginning of a hilarious taco adventure!

13/04/2024

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12/04/2024

Moriarty, New Mexico - In a stunning turn of events, the quiet town of Moriarty has found itself under the control of an unexpected force. A swarm of dump trucks, ominously named "World War Dump Truck," has taken over the streets, causing chaos and capturing the attention of residents and authorities alike. Residents are being advised to stay indoors.

Eyewitnesses report that the swarm of dump trucks appeared seemingly out of nowhere, descending upon the town with a deafening roar of engines and clanking metal. The sheer number of vehicles involved in this takeover is staggering, with estimates ranging in the hundreds of thousands.

Local authorities were caught off guard by the sudden arrival of this mechanical horde. Attempts to bring the situation under control were met with resistance as the dump trucks demonstrated remarkable coordination and organization, blasting unsightly goo globs onto any approaching persons or vehicles. It became apparent that this was no ordinary group of vehicles, but a well-planned and highly sophisticated operation.

As the swarm of dump trucks swept through the streets of Moriarty, they began to assert their dominance over the town. They blocked off major intersections, preventing any form of traffic from entering or leaving. Businesses and homes were surrounded, effectively cutting off the town from the outside world.

The motives behind this unconventional takeover remain unclear. Some speculate that it may be a protest against the infamous amusement park, Dumpsterland, the construction industry, or simply a demonstration of the power and capabilities of modern machinery. Others believe it could be the work of a highly skilled hacker or a rogue group seeking to make a statement.

Local authorities are working tirelessly to regain control of the situation, but the swarm of dump trucks has proven to be a formidable opponent. Attempts to disable or immobilize the vehicles have been met with resistance, as they seem to possess an advanced self-defense mechanism, covering any approaching force with a web of goo.

Residents of Moriarty are advised to stay indoors and avoid any confrontation with the swarm of dump trucks. The authorities have urged citizens to remain calm and patient as they work to resolve this unprecedented situation.

As the swarm of dump trucks, now known as "World War Dump Truck," continues to hold Moriarty hostage, the town waits anxiously for a resolution. The question on everyone's mind remains: What is the endgame of this mechanical insurgency, and how will it be resolved?

Only time will tell how Moriarty and its residents will overcome the unexpected challenge posed by the swarm of dump trucks known as "World War Dump Truck."

11/04/2024

Moriarty, NM - In a surprising turn of events, the tranquil town of Moriarty has become the center of worldwide attention after a mysterious woman claiming to be a time traveler from a different century landed in the heart of the town. The incident, which occurred in April 2024, has left locals and authorities baffled and intrigued.

Eyewitnesses reported that the woman, who appeared to be in her late twenties, materialized out of thin air in the middle of the travel center parking lot around 3:33am causing quite a commotion among the staff, who were all slightly inebriated and unsure of their perception. Sporting an attire reminiscent of the Victorian era, complete with a corset, hoop skirt, and a feathered hat, she seemed to have stepped straight out of a history book.

The time-traveling woman, who introduced herself as Lady Penelope Montague, claimed to have accidentally discovered a hidden portal that transported her from the 18th century to the present day. According to her, she had been on a leisurely stroll on her family's sprawling estate when she stumbled upon a peculiar-looking door that led her to modern-day Moriarty.

Local authorities were quick to respond to the incident, cordoning off the area and launching an investigation into the authenticity of Lady Penelope's claims. Speculations and theories about her origin and the existence of time travel have since flooded social media platforms, with some suggesting that she may be a performance artist.

Businesses in Moriarty have wasted no time in capitalizing on the bizarre incident. Buttcrust Pizza has renamed its signature dish "The Time Traveler's Pie" while TA, Pilot, and Lisa's battle it out for who is most stocked up on Victorian-era trinkets and memorabilia. Tourism in the town has skyrocketed, with visitors from around the world flocking to witness the enigmatic Lady Penelope firsthand.

However, not everyone in Moriarty is thrilled about the sudden influx of attention. Some skeptics believe that Lady Penelope is nothing more than an elaborate hoax, orchestrated to boost the town's economy. Local historian, Dr. Harold McAllister, voiced his doubts, stating, "While the idea of time travel is fascinating, we must remain cautious and consider alternative explanations. It is crucial that we separate fact from fiction."

As the investigation into Lady Penelope's claims continues, the people of Moriarty find themselves torn between embracing the excitement and preserving the integrity of their town's history. Whether the enigmatic Lady Penelope is a genuine time traveler or a clever imposter, her presence has undoubtedly placed Moriarty on the map, making it the unlikely epicenter of time-traveling enthusiasts and curious onlookers alike.

Only time will tell if Lady Penelope's extraordinary tale stands the test of scrutiny, or if it will join the ranks of other sensational stories that have captivated the world, only to fade into obscurity. Until then, Moriarty remains a town divided, pondering the possibilities of the past, present, and future, all while keeping a watchful eye on the mysterious time-traveling woman who disrupted their peaceful existence.

08/04/2024

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04/04/2024

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31/03/2024

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24/03/2024

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21/03/2024

BREAKING NEWS: Ingesting Moriarty Tap Water Linked to Humor Suppression

In a shocking town-wide phenomenon, it is being reported that the water supply in Moriarty, New Mexico has been causing residents to lose their sense of humor. The bizarre response was first reported when half of the locals noticed that their laughter had been replaced with a dull, monotone hum, while the other half had their smiles replaced with scowls.

Investigations into the matter have traced the source of the humor suppression to a top-secret government experiment gone wrong. According to anonymous sources, a team of scientists had been working on a formula to create the ultimate serious person, but a spill in the lab caused the concoction to seep into Moriarty's water supply.

As a result, residents have been suffering from an inability to find anything funny. Jokes fall flat, sitcoms seem tedious, and even the town's most notorious comedienne cracks epic one liners with a resulting silence that makes Carlsbad Caverns seem noisy.

In an effort to combat the effects of the contaminated water, town officials have been working tirelessly to distribute bottled water and humor-restoring cannabis elixirs. They have also launched a campaign encouraging residents to engage in laughter therapy, watch classic comedy films, and attend stand-up comedy shows in neighboring towns.

While the situation has caused concern among Moriarty's residents, some have embraced the change, claiming that it has made them more productive and less distracted by frivolous matters. "I like crying," says one resident, Miranda Dire, scowling into the camera and wiping her falling tears. "Jokes suck." says another resident, who wishes to remain anonymous. Regardless of individual opinions, one thing is certain: life in Moriarty will never be the same again.

So, if you're planning a trip to this New Mexican town, be sure to bring your own supply of water and be prepared to keep a straight face, because laughter might just be off the menu.

17/03/2024

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12/03/2024

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29/02/2024

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28/02/2024

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25/02/2024

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22/02/2024

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18/02/2024

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17/02/2024

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12/02/2024

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09/02/2024

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09/02/2024

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30/10/2023

Moriarty, New Mexico - In a bizarre turn of events, the tranquil town of Moriarty has been thrust into the chaos of garbage-infused tornadoes known as the "Big Papa Boomados." It's trash cyclone season again folks! These unique trash cyclones, once thought to be nothing more than an urban legend, have wreaked havoc on the unsuspecting residents of this otherwise quiet community.

The Big Papa Boomados, named after their thunderous roar and towering size, have quickly become a menace to society. In a stroke of ill fortune, their destructive path happened to cross paths with Charlie Werewolf's beloved landfill amusement park, Dumpsterland. The once-thriving park, featuring rides made entirely of discarded items, has been left in ruins.

Witnesses reported seeing these colossal whirlwinds of trash effortlessly tossing around dumpsters like confetti. But what truly shocked them was their choice of projectiles. Instead of ordinary debris, the Big Papa Boomados were hurling enormous and absurd objects with peculiar gusto.

One eyewitness, who wished to remain anonymous, described the surreal scene. "I couldn't believe my eyes! The Big Papas were swirling around, and out of nowhere, I saw one lift a giant inflatable rubber duck from the landfill. It then launched it towards Dumpsterland like a missile. It was both disturbing and hilarious at the same time!"

As the chaos unfolded, local authorities scrambled to respond to the unique challenge of combating these trash cyclones. Efforts to contain and disperse them have proven futile so far. "We've never seen anything like this before," said Sheriff Johnson. "Our standard tornado response protocols don't quite cover handling Big Papa Boomados armed with such absurd weaponry."

The whirlwinds show no signs of dissipating as they continue to create havoc throughout Moriarty. Reports have surfaced of the Big Papas flinging abandoned cars, old pianos, and even an oversized pizza slice made entirely of discarded pizza boxes. The town's residents, although exasperated, have embraced an indomitable spirit, humorously referring to the situation as "Trash-pocalypse Now."

Meanwhile, business owners in the area are capitalizing on the unexpected phenomena. Local restaurants are serving up specialty drinks named "Boomado Blasters," complete with miniature trash cans as garnish. Others are offering "Trash Cyclone Survival Kits," which include an assortment of helmets, goggles, and plastic ponchos.

While the impact of the Big Papa Boomados on Moriarty is undeniable, it has undeniably brought the community together in a way previous challenges never could. The town has organized comedic relief fundraisers, where the debris launched by the Big Papas is auctioned off to support the cleanup efforts.

As the residents of Moriarty continue to adapt to their new trash-filled reality, one thing remains certain: their resilience and sense of humor will help them weather the storm, one bizarre flying object at a time.

22/09/2023

Moriarty, NM: The creature, which has been dubbed “Nickel Nellie” by the locals, has reddish green skin, horns, a tail, and glowing yellow eyes. She wears a too-revealing ragged dress and carries a tin can that she uses to collect nickels from unsuspecting strangers at the Main St intersection near the park in town.

According to witnesses, Nickel Nellie approaches people with a perturbed, empty smile and asks them for a nickel. If they refuse or give her anything other than a nickel, she becomes enraged and unleashes a barrage of curses and insults. She has also been known to bite, scratch, and spit at those who deny her request.

“She came up to me and said ‘Hey mister, can you spare a nickel?’ I said ‘Sorry, I don’t have any change.’ Then she went crazy and started calling me names and scratching my face. She even tried to bite my ear off!” said John Smith, a local resident who encountered Nickel Nellie.

She’s definitely not human. Nickel Nellie’s reign of terror came to an end when she was arrested for disturbing the peace at Dumpsterland, a local landfill amusement park where she often scavenged for nickels. She reportedly tried to initiate fights with several “boss baby mommas”, women who have children with multiple men and live off welfare.

“She came here looking for trouble. She started picking fights with my girls, saying they were stealing her nickels. She said she was the queen of Dumpsterland and we had to pay her tribute. She was out of her mind!” said Laquisha Brown, one of the boss baby mommas who confronted Nickel Nellie.

A police officer who responded to the scene managed to subdue Nickel Nellie with a taser and handcuffs. He said that she put up a fierce resistance and kept screaming “Give me my nickels! Give me my nickels!”

Nickel Nellie is currently being held at the Moriarty County Jail, where she awaits a psychiatric evaluation. She has been charged with assault, battery, disorderly conduct, and theft.

The origin and identity of Nickel Nellie remain unknown. Some believe that she is an escaped experiment from a secret government facility. Others think that she is a victim of a demonic possession or a genetic mutation.

Whatever the case may be, one thing is certain: Nickel Nellie is one of the most bizarre and dangerous creatures ever seen in Moriarty, NM.

25/08/2023

Breaking news out of Chaplin, CT: Puff, the infamous Corgi Accountant behind bars tonight facing charges of tax fraud.

In a shocking turn of events, the financial world has been shaken to its core by the discovery of tax fraud involving none other than Puff, the Corgi Accountant. Known for his adorable demeanor and wagging tail, Puff's reputation as a trustworthy number cruncher took a hit when it was revealed that his calculations were simply going to the dogs.

Aptly named Puff, this mischievous Corgi has been charming the residents of Chaplin, Connecticut. But behind that lovable facade lurked a canine with a knack for bending the rules of accounting and embracing some creative bookkeeping techniques.

Puff's troubles began when the tax authorities got a whiff of something fishy going on in his office. Upon further investigation, it was discovered that Puff's idea of balancing the books involved burying important receipts in the backyard and chewing up critical financial documents.

One of Puff's fellow accountants, Charlie Werewolf of NM, couldn't help but howl with laughter at the sight of his furry colleague's accounting antics. "Puff is pawsitively pawful at accounting!" Charlie howled.

When questioned about the fraudulent activities, Puff offered a short defense: "Woof!"

Though Puff's excuse received a few sympathetic head tilts, the tax authorities were in no mood to let his cutesy antics slide. They buried him under a seemingly never-ending pile of paperwork, making sure he was held accountable for his inaccurate calculations. Amidst the chaos, Puff's loyal clients stood by him. Stay tuned for updates on this ongoing legal battle.