I’ve never shared a video I didn’t create, but when I saw this on tiktok I knew I had to share.
This mother-daughter exchange is so healing. Seeing a parent willing to be vulnerable, to take ownership, and to speak to the truth around their behavior is something few adult children receive. The empathy here is profound.
Some gems:
“Just the sound of a child crying made me feel angry. I was just angry at myself, but I took it out on you.”
“I just always felt like I was a failure as a parent while I was brushing your hair and then I made it worse by being mad at you.”
“I really owe you an apology.”
People’s behavior is a reflection of themselves. How they feel reflects outwards. So much respect and admiration for lovebeav for being open to these conversations. They truly break the cycle.
May all children know they were never the problem. May all parents know by apologizing you heal the wounds. May future generations learn new ways to cope with anger and frustration #selfhealers
Attachment styles are ways we learned to connect with other people beginning in childhood. They impact every area of our lives, including sexual intimacy. And how we navigate conflict.
With anxious and avoidant attachment there is ONE core issue: emotional intimacy. They fear it. Neither feels safe connecting to people because of their past. The avoidant copes with this by being distant. The anxious copes with this by pushing for connection. Any sign of disconnection feels overwhelming.
Many people with avoidant attachment feel like sex is the only way to fix issues. They use it as a way to feel close and to solve problems. When sex is missing, they feel unloved. If the partner tries to talk things out or work on issues, fear comes up. The avoidance then goes into overdrive.
This dance is common in people who have conflict + makeup sex then no conversation or resolution. It becomes a cycle where problems compound on each other.
To break these cycles BOTH partners have to be aware of their attachment styles. To understand how they show up. To talk openly about them (this develops openly) and to take small steps out of their comfort zone.
For example, person with avoidant tendencies can breathe and have a difficult conversation even though they want to run away.
The person with anxious tendencies can can work on trusting that their partner loves them even when they are distant at times.
Both can take steps to create emotional intimacy through vulnerable sharing, curiosity, and play #selfhealers
You don’t need to defend how you feel. Save your emotional energy. Defend your peace.
This reel is incredibly important for women specially who are conditioned to defend themselves. To over-explain. To ‘get’ someone to understand their feelings.
In these exchanges, just notice. Notice how someone who’s emotionally immature will deflect and invalidate. Notice how uncomfortable they are with other people’s emotions. Let their actions speak for themselves.
It’s not your role to teach them. And in reality, you can’t. This is for them to learn.
Your role is to have a boundary. To express yourself directly and to the point. And to let them deal with the discomfort that brings them #selfhealers
In 2017, I knew I was stuck in fawn. It was part of my overall pattern of dissociation. I would zone out and appease/please everyone around me. My needs didn’t matter. All I cared about was making sure I didn’t create any conflict around me. I just wanted things to be “easy.”
Of course fawning actually makes life much more difficult. For me, it was a response to a chronically ill and emotionally distant mother. I learned to be easy to not cause any more stress or conflict in the home. It helped me to cope growing up. But as I got older, it became destructive.
It was a core reason I stayed in unhealthy or dysfunctional relationships. It stopped me from seeing that my own inability to emotionally connect was creating a lot of my issues. It kept me in cycles where I would neglect my body and use any situation to distract myself.
Getting out of fawn was about establishing pattern breaks. New routines every morning to I could be more in my body. I actually looked at my relationships and realized how I didn’t have any boundaries. So, I started practicing. I started saying “no.” I started placing limits. Without needing to over-explain or to justify myself. It was some of the most difficult work I’ve ever done. And it changed my life.
I still have a deep pleasing tendency. But now I know what is and what isn’t my responsibility. I can be kind to myself when I feel guilty for letting people down. I can take care of myself which allows me to actually be there for others. I can feel my nervous system get dysregulated when I assert myself and remind myself I am safe #selfhealers
