The Zamboni

The Zamboni Cowering Behind the First Amendment Since 1989! Find us online at http://www.tuftszamboni.com Tufts University's Only Intentionally Funny Magazine.

We meet Wednesdays at 9 PM, Eaton Hall, Room 201. Have any questions about anything? Email us at [email protected]. Submissions welcome! We produce 2-3 issues each semester, and have been described by many as "offensive trash," "printed on really nice paper," and "too long." Read the Zamboni today!

“Chinese philosopher Mencius told us that when the local lord endangers the altar of food, he must be replaced,” said Ce...
03/12/2025

“Chinese philosopher Mencius told us that when the local lord endangers the altar of food, he must be replaced,” said Celia Ackdyzese, former Carmichael patron, “and now, Kumar must be replaced.” The Mandate of Heaven has been tracked since the Shang Dynasty and our latest experts can confirm that the closure of Carmichael Dining Hall is close enough to a natural disaster to prove that Sunil Kumar is no longer favored by the Most High and the people must find a new emperor to lead Tufts into its next golden dynasty.

This Giving Tuesday, we need your help!!! Please donate as much as you want using tuftszamboni.com/giving, the link in o...
02/12/2025

This Giving Tuesday, we need your help!!! Please donate as much as you want using tuftszamboni.com/giving, the link in our bio, or the QR code above!
What will these funds go to, you may ask?
- Full color printing! We have artists who deserve to have their beautiful work published in full technicolor!
- A new snow cone machine! We want one!
- Hosting the first ever intercollegiate 43-man Squamish game against Wesleyan University!
And many more useful things!

"Just remember we still have class on Tuesday!" Your professor remarked. A collective sigh rose from the class. No one w...
21/11/2025

"Just remember we still have class on Tuesday!" Your professor remarked.
A collective sigh rose from the class. No one wanted to be there. Some already had plans to leave for home before then.
Someone asked the professor: "Is it okay if I miss class?"
"Thats fine. I guess. If you really want to miss out on the most important lecture of your life."
"What will I miss?"
"Oh nothing. It's really not that important. Just the meaning of the universe."

After the Great Flood of Carm dining options were slim. Over the weekend only one dining hall was left standing. The sit...
13/11/2025

After the Great Flood of Carm dining options were slim. Over the weekend only one dining hall was left standing. The situation was dire. Students stood in long lines for hours as they waited for someone to figure out how a guest swipe works. Some resorted to more dire options. They began to prowl. To hunt. Quickly they cornered the beasts they would dine on. Even quicker they roasted them up over open flames. And yet quicker they devoured their meals.

Late last night, 120 women from Tufts University were escorted to a local nunnery to spend their life in quiet contempla...
11/11/2025

Late last night, 120 women from Tufts University were escorted to a local nunnery to spend their life in quiet contemplation, faith, and celibacy. Having failed to acquire a suitable match through Marriage Pact, these 120 Tufts Students are all but damaged goods, now resigned to their service to our Lord and savior. Tufts University President Sunil Kumar commented, “how unfortunate that these fair maidens have gone without marriage, but we must now take comfort in the fact that they will spend the rest of their days in concert with the Lord.” The Zamboni wishes these women well, and encourages all to count their blessings.

"With mounting public frustration over price gouging, Ticketmaster has started offering a variety of payment plans, tail...
09/11/2025

"With mounting public frustration over price gouging, Ticketmaster has started offering a variety of payment plans, tailored to match any individual’s needs. Whether you’re a family man, a homeowner, or a broke individual with assets to spare, Ticketmaster has the payment plan for you."

Article by .hoben_ and ! Read the full thing on our website!

OUT NOWW!Look around campus! Don't you see the newfound glint in everyone's eye? You know what that means right?IT MEANS...
08/11/2025

OUT NOWW!
Look around campus! Don't you see the newfound glint in everyone's eye? You know what that means right?
IT MEANS WE HAVE A NEW EDITION OUT!
GO READ WHAT THE CROWD IS SAYING IS OUR BEST WORK YET!

"In the wake of the first ever Tufts Performative Male Competition, the Tufts student body discussed plans for yet anoth...
07/11/2025

"In the wake of the first ever Tufts Performative Male Competition, the Tufts student body discussed plans for yet another battle of the butches. “Tufts Performative Masc Le***an Competition” posters soon littered the campus, an open call to those donning undercuts, patchwork tattoo sleeves, and carabiners."

Report by ! Read the full report on our website!

"She’s revived his career numerous times throughout life, but this week, Sharon Osbourne has completed her greatest revi...
07/11/2025

"She’s revived his career numerous times throughout life, but this week, Sharon Osbourne has completed her greatest revival yet: raising Ozzy Osbourne straight from the dead. He came up still muttering about a certain bat’s revenge in the afterlife. Looking even more vampiric than usual, Ozzy and Sharon announced the new Hell & Back Tour."

Story by ! Read the full story on our website!

"This week, Universal Studios announced the cast for Ramble On, the forthcoming Led Zeppelin biopic. Ramble On will be t...
06/11/2025

"This week, Universal Studios announced the cast for Ramble On, the forthcoming Led Zeppelin biopic. Ramble On will be the directorial debut of Archibald Bouvier, an alumnus of Tufts’ own Film and Media Studies program. The film stars Jeremy Allen White as frontman Robert Plant, Fred Armisen as legendary drummer John Bonham, Michael Cera as bassist John Paul Jones, and perhaps most notably, 89-year-old disgraced filmmaker and comedian Woody Allen as guitar god Jimmy Page. Director Bouvier stated the cast is "everything I could have dreamed of,” and is eager to take risks to push the boundaries of mainstream filmmaking."

Reporting by ._.currie! Read the full report on our website!

"In reaction to mounting criticism of recent immigration policy, the Department of Homeland Security (DHS) has decided t...
06/11/2025

"In reaction to mounting criticism of recent immigration policy, the Department of Homeland Security (DHS) has decided to outsource their border security to the Tufts University chapter of Delta Tau Delta. Border Czar Tom Homan, feeling the country has become overrun with drug-addicted criminals and mental patients, has deemed DTD most suited to deal with this existential threat, commenting, 'It takes one to know one.'"

Reporting by ! Read the full story on our website!

"'It was so powerful when she started hu***ng the stage,' Alyssa said. “It made me feel so seen as a fellow woman oppres...
06/11/2025

"'It was so powerful when she started hu***ng the stage,' Alyssa said. “It made me feel so seen as a fellow woman oppressed by the patriarchy—I felt so emboldened to reject the tyrannical grasp of men that I went straight home, broke up with my boyfriend and gave myself five orgasms.” This powerful statement was one of many the Zamboni received while interviewing concertgoers the day after Lorde took her “Ultrasound” tour to TD Garden. Although the singer’s concert rituals may seem completely opaque to outsiders, these fans were able to completely demystify them for the benefit of our FOMO-ridden readers."

Story by ! Read the full thing on our website!

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