Gray, Pray, Slay: Living with Neurodivergence from a Christian Perspective (2025)

We'll support each other through prayer and see what the Bible says about our mind, will, and emotions. Finally, we'll commit to showing grace and patience as we apply spiritual principles and coping strategies to our everyday lives.

08/05/2024

Masking | Mark 12:30-31

Phantom of the Opera is one of my favorite Broadway operas. In a colorful scene, a chorus sings: "Masquerade! Paper faces on parade. Masquerade! Hide your face so the world will never find you. Masquerade! Every face a different shade. Masquerade! Look around, there's another mask behind you."

In my early childhood years, I remember being extremely introverted around friends and strangers alike. I was withdrawn and lived in my imagination, reading books obsessively. Social interactions were minimally engaging and sometimes resulted in shut downs that was summed up as shyness. That is, until my fifth grade year when I started noticing facial expressions and body language used around me. I didn't understand what they meant. Different tones and cadences confused me, but they seemed important for meaningful conversations.

I remember, at ten years of age, locking myself in the bathroom and looking at my reflection in the mirror. With a big breath, I declared I was going to be outgoing like my big sister. I thought about what being "outgoing" looked like and pictured her face. I opened my eyes wider. I thought of something funny and made my eyes "sparkle." I practiced moving my lips around into different types of smiles. I threw my shoulders back, and laughed out loud. That was too loud. I laughed again. That was just a giggle. With my head cocked to one side, I wondered what an appropriate laugh should sound like. What does it look like?

I thought of characters from my favorite movies and tried emulating them. Completely unsure of myself, I threw my shoulders back and left the bathroom resolved to be "outgoing" and spent the next ten years awkwardly forcing myself act like someone I was not. That was the beginning of my masquerade, or masking, as it's referred to in the neurodivergent community. So what is masking and why do we do it? Great question I'd love to answer.

"Masking is the act of suppressing or concealing neurodivergent traits in schools and workplace in order to appear neurotypical." - The Brain Charity

One of the reasons girls are less likely to get diagnosed with autism is because of their tendency to mask their personality traits in order to fit in with their social circles. The irony is, they never really fit in! A chameleon is still a chameleon, regardless of its color and ability to (seemingly) blend in. Some neurodivergents are better at camouflaging than others. Benefits of masking include hiding a diagnosis in order to avoid stigma, feel more accepted by peers, earning job promotions, and even maintaining successful careers. However, there are many drawbacks to masking that evolve over time that include low self-esteem, emotional dysregulation, depression, anxiety, and often burnout.

The following is an original poem I wrote in high school about my experience masking, even though I didn't know that term then. This poem describes my insecurity and discouragement of being different than other people, even to the point that I was bullied at times. The imperfections I saw in myself were flaws that needed to be scrubbed away in order for me to shine. The rivers are my tears, and the last line implies that I will be better if my personality were more like them.

In the Mirror

In the mirror I see an amethyst
All dark and dingy and covered with dust
Discolored from it's discouraging past,
So I scrub on it, my amethyst, at last.

The diamonds and emeralds and sapphires
Sneer mercilessly at my desires
Of glistening as they, though I have many failures,
So I scrub for a few hundred hours.

In the mirror I see an amethyst
Clearer than it was at first.
Even so, I see more scrubbing is a must -
My show will not be a bust.

The diamonds and emeralds and sapphires
shrink back at my occurring desires
Of glistening, as they leave me with my rivers.
I look in the mirror - just a few more hours.

I recall many years ago making statements along the lines of "So-and-so doesn't know how to truly love other people because he doesn't love himself." As I am writing this, the Holy Spirit is revealing something to me. In Mark 12:31, Jesus says we are to love our neighbors as much as we love ourselves. If we don't know who we are, how can we truly love ourselves?

"Jesus replied... And you must love the Lord your God with all your heart, all your soul, all your mind, and all your strength. The second is equally important: Love your neighbor as yourself." - Mark 12:30-31

So many people are afraid to get assessments for suspected diagnoses because they are afraid of the stigma society places on them, and they ask these questions: "Why? What's the purpose of having another label slapped on me? What difference will it make if I already know I have such-and-such traits or similarities to certain diagnoses?" While I can understand where they are coming from, I can't empathize with their perspective because my experience has been very liberating.

For me, getting diagnosed brought incredible freedom from self-loathing and feeling like Humpty Dumpty broken on the ground next to the wall, never able to be put back together again. The truth is, when I learned how my brain functions in ways that have names, my whole world instantly made sense! Every flaw, every shortcoming, every deficit could be explained in a few simple words: executive dysfunction, sensory integration disorder, ADHD, and a few others.

Through this breakthrough and with God's help, I have been able to:
* give myself grace for my own mistakes and misunderstandings with others
* provide more patience with problem-solving
* receive beneficial counseling with a licensed therapist
* joyfully embrace my stims and special interests
* elicit a calmer demeanor when feeling frustrated
* establish the right medications with a doctor
* utilize coping strategies when overstimulated
* increase my self-esteem and self-worth

Friend, if you've been living your life hiding behind a mask, I understand. I've been there, and still wear my mask in public, especially in social settings such as church and in my workplace. But if you feel trapped and are ready to love others as much as you love yourself, please receive this prayer over you:

Lord, this world can feel like a scary, unknown place when we don't know who we are. It's easy to masquerade and pretend we aren't struggling, when deep inside we know we are falling apart. I pray for the reader here today, that they would surrender their fears, insecurities, and meltdowns to You right now. I know they love You and want to love others, which means they must be able to love themselves. Give them courage to see the doctors, get the assessments, do whatever they need to do to be set free. Allow them the privilege of learning to enjoy life more abundantly. In Jesus name, amen.

If this blog post has impacted you in any way, I would love to hear from you! Please fill out the contact form on my site and let me know where you are on this journey. It would be my honor to pray with you more and provide encouragement as you begin to live your life without the mask. God bless.

Phantom of the Opera is one of my favorite Broadway operas. In a colorful scene, a chorus sings: "Masquerade! Paper faces on parade. Masquerade! Hide your face so the world will never find you. Masquerade! Every face a different shade. Masquerade! Look around, there's another mask behind you."In my....

28/04/2024

Special Interests | Psalm 139:12-14

Recently, over winter break, my daughter and I spent an entire day watching old musicals. We kick-started the marathon with Doris Day in "The Pajama Game," followed by Gene Kelly in "An American in Paris," and ended with the 1962 adaptation of "The Music Man." For me, this was my idea of a perfect day to relax and crochet an afghan, while she focused on a 5D diamond painting. She outwardly cringed at the out-dated music, singing styles, and choreography, but my heart soared at the simple story lines, musical talent, and orchestra scores.

You see, all my life I have been drawn to classic movies, especially musicals through the decades. As a child, I would watch the same movie on repeat until my dad returned it to the local public library. He would bring home another one, and this same scenario would occur on repeat until I went off to college. I realized this was not typical behavior, and so I restricted myself from indulging in watching musicals regularly. Why? Because it made me feel happy, but not in a typical "I enjoy this" kind of way. Allow me to elaborate.

Musicals actually cause a physical response in my body like nothing else. My brain becomes very active, my eyes shine and dart back and forth as I mentally imagine the scores of music played by the orchestra. Sometimes I wave my arms as if I were the conductor. When the actors sing, I analyze their songs. I hear patterns in their phrases, sing certain intervals repetitively, guess the key the score was written in, determine the key signature, and so on. I may play notes on the keyboard nearby to check pitch accuracy, and I may pause the movie to practice singing using specific breathing and/or vocal techniques. When I let go of my inhibitions and am my authentic self without any regard to how others might perceive me acting in this manner, I am filled with exhilaration.

Until eleven months ago, I thought I was weird (side bar: I am weird!) and should avoid being weird at all costs. It wasn't professional and wasn't something an adult my age should engage in, or so I thought. Then I learned something that shifted my perspective: music is one of my special interests.

"...incorporating special interests into therapies and daily life can enhance social skills and other functions, as well as reduce anxiety." - Emily Singer

It should be noted that special interests are more than hobbies. They are obsessions, topics or activities that are become a sole focus. These special interests can last a lifetime or shorter amounts of time, such as months or weeks. Yet, they consume the individual's thoughts, energy, and time in a way that neurotypicals don't share and generally don't understand. When asked questions about my special interests, I can start rambling endlessly, losing track of time and forgetting to read social cues that I'm oversharing and probably should stop.

Now that I know my special interests are ingrained in my DNA and aren't going anywhere, I can finally embrace my "weirdness." I now know that I'm not broken inside. In fact, I was born this way, and it pleases God. So this year, my New Year's resolution is to tap into the "old me" and enjoy the gift that He has given me.

"You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body and knit me together in my mother’s womb. Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex! Your workmanship is marvelous—how well I know it." - Psalm 139:12-14

Do you have a special interest that seems to take over all rational thinking and perhaps sucks you into a wormhole void of time and space? Does it keep you up at night or distract you at work? As high-functioning adults, possibly with careers and families, we can learn to incorporate our special interests into our daily lives while maintaining balance. It can seem hard, but it can be done. Come with me on this journey and learn together.

Lord, I thank you for creating all of us in Your image and knitting us together in our mother's wombs. We rejoice that You made us wonderfully complex and unique from everyone else. I pray the reader here today will be encouraged and know that they were created to worship You with their special interests. May they please You in every way. Amen.

Since embracing my special interests, specifically music, I have felt more free to break out in random songs, info dump, engage students better, and overall feel happier! How are you doing with your special interest? Have you shared it with a family member or close friend? Are you learning to use it to "find your tribe"? Do you need help navigating this? Please contact me and let me know. I'd love to hear from you!

Recently, over winter break, my daughter and I spent an entire day watching old musicals. We kick-started the marathon with Doris Day in "The Pajama Game," followed by Gene Kelly in "An American in Paris," and ended with the 1962 adaptation of "The Music Man." For me, this was my idea of a perfect d...

28/04/2024

Executive Function | Romans 12:2

I remember preparing to go on a road trip to visit extended family a few states away. As we got around early one morning, I was filled with excitement and anticipation of arriving at our destination in a few hours. The atmosphere was jovial, as the feelings were shared with the whole van load of little humans. Music was playing with different conversations going, the driver cracking a lot of jokes. I laughed and joked back having a great time. Until I wasn't.

It felt like the carpet had been pulled right out from under me. In the blink of an eye, I didn't want to talk anymore. The jokes were overwhelming. The music was too loud. I stopped laughing and closed my eyes. I just wanted the trip to be over, and it had only just begun. Why was this happening? It didn't make sense.

Can you relate? Have you ever wondered why your body feels things that just don't feel "normal" and that you can't explain why you are the way you are? Welcome to my page. I'm RaChelle, and it's a pleasure to have your company, if only for a few minutes.

"Metacognition comprises both the ability to be aware of one’s cognitive processes (metacognitive knowledge) and to regulate them (metacognitive control)." - The Science of Learning

Metacognition is literally thinking about your own thinking. When I began studying neuroscience about two years ago, I couldn't have cared less. However, the brain is a complex, fascinating organ. As my research continued, personal connections began to form between brain anatomy and its functions. John Hopkins Medicine has an excellent article that breaks it down in a way that is easy to understand. If this is a new concept for you, I recommend starting there.

It amazes me how intricately God created our brains as the control hub of our bodies, and yet so many of us struggle to master controlling our mind, will, and emotions. We know we should, but why is it so hard?

"Don’t copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will learn to know God’s will for you, which is good and pleasing and perfect." - Romans 12:2 NLT

I believe God has a plan and purpose for you and wants you to have a victorious life. That's why you're here. My mission is to help you learn about your brain, why you react the way you do, see what the Word says about it, and find strategies to transform into His likeness. We are not perfect, but we can mature through knowledge and apply wisdom. Will you come along with me?

Lord, I thank you that we don't have to live life feeling broken inside, but instead I know that You have the power to transform us from the inside out. I pray that the person reading this post will learn God's will for them, which is good, pleasing, and perfect. Amen.

I remember preparing to go on a road trip to visit extended family a few states away. As we got around early one morning, I was filled with excitement and anticipation of arriving at our destination in a few hours. The atmosphere was jovial, as the feelings were shared with the whole van load of lit...

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Gray, Pray, Slay: Living with Neurodivergence from a Christian Perspective

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