Marky the V

14/12/2023

Pagkatapos ng nakakastress at nakakapagod na mga araw, sa huli ay unti-unti nanamang bumibigay ang katawang lupa ko. Sana na lang talaga maenjoy ko ang 2 weeks vacation. Dahil January will be a super exhausting month because of school requirements, research, demo, lesson plan, and finals.

Sana pumabor pa ang pagkakataon sakin.

13/12/2023

Gusto kong makumpleto 'yung simbang gabi tapos ang pinakahiling ko ay maibalik na muli 'yung dating ako.

08/12/2023

Bakit tayo kakausapin e wala pa naman satin kailangan? Ieexpect na lang natin na kakausapin lang tayo kapag may kailangan or kailangan na tayo. ❤️

04/12/2023

I always keep myself silent because I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings with words, for I know the fact that words cut deeper than the knife. But, please don't put me in a situation in which I really need to speak up.

I'm so done with your hypocritical attitude. I'm such an observant person and I have observed everything on your behavior and personality. I don't want to put it into words, but you have a "superiority complex". You often see people by the benefits they give to you. Your treatment to them is always based on their use to you as well.

I respect you and I treated you as one of the important people in my present life. I don't know what to say anymore, but I pity you more than myself. I hope that one day, you find out how to change your attitude. So I don't have to make you realize it because it will also be hurt on my part.

Let me just share this with you, one of the most important and recent lessons in my life. "Not because you have your own struggles doesn't mean that the people around you must suffer with you too". I have shown you very much empathy and not just sympathy. I don't need to interpret it, but I want you to comprehend each word.

30/11/2023

Gawin nyo na po ang lahat, wag nyo lang po akong lokohin dahil hindi ko po kayang ihandle yun. Pwede po ba?

30/11/2023

Twas saddening to feel na parang yung worth ko is nakadepende sa pakinabang ko haha.

30/11/2023

Punyeta!

29/11/2023

Marahil stress sa bahay, sa school, at sa personal na buhay ang pinakamatindi kong kalaban haha. Who would have thought na kinaya at kinakaya ko sa loob ng ilang taon? Who would have thought na kinaya kong itago lahat? Who would have thought na kinaya kong magpigil ng luha, but unfortunately recently lang ay hindi ko na kinaya.

May mga pagkakataon na bilib ako sa sarili ko pero mas lamang yung hindi. Kaya kahit hindi ko iexpress yung gratitude pero super naappreciate ko yung mga taong nagsasabi na "bilib nga ako sayo e kasi" o "bilib ako sayo". Napapangiti na lang ako ng patago dahil masarap sa pakiramdam.

Thank you for making me feel that I am worthy as a person even though there are instances that I can't see my worth. I truly and deeply appreciate every encouraging word that you guys utter to me constantly. A mere "thank you" is not enough for everything that you've given to me from the very first day until now.❤️❤️❤️

Mahal ko kayo ano pa man ang maging tingin nyo sa akin.❤️

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27/11/2023

A sudden and late realization realization

Habang lumalaki tayo doon natin unti-unting marerealize at maddiscover na maraming taong nakapaligid satin ang super toxic pala. Hindi lang natin napapansin noon dahil we are really close to them.

Narealize ko na dati I used to glorify certain people, but the moment we had cracks on our connections, it's just the closeness that makes us connected not the loyalty and true constructive intentions.

Sometimes, the toxicest people you would encounter in your life are the ones closest to you; your friends, classmates, co-workers, family, and relatives.

However, it's just my point of view and I will respect other people's perceptions toward toxicity. Again, some of my perceptions are from the things that I have experienced.

23/11/2023

Sabi ko sa sarili ko na hindi na ako iiyak dahil lang sa naiistress ako pero sorry hindi ko pala kaya. Ayokong nararanasang umiiyak sa harap ng ibang tao tapos hindi ko naman kaya ikwento lahat. Ambigat lang sa pakiramdam habang tumutulo yung luha ko tapos hindi ko makayang humarap at magsalita sa nararamdaman ko.

I feel so sorry for myself, for I think that I can handle every situation, for I think that I'm expressive enough to share everything, but that's all I thought.

It's just unfair to think that while they are enjoying their victories outside, I am here inside the room, crying silently, and asking God to lessen the pain, clear and calm my mind.

If you see me as cheerful or happy in a social environment, please don't believe that. My anguishes hid in my deepest within and I don't have the courage to release them all and for I don't know who to trust with.

Your Marky is anxious tonight and I hope he gets fine as soon as it's not too late.

17/11/2023

Malakas talaga pakiramdam ko na mamamatay na ako after 5 years. Stay tuned guys🤍

03/11/2023

Sana 'yung mga tulong ay hindi maging sumbat balang araw.

Nakakademotivate magpatuloy kapag nararamdaman mo na 'yung mga tulong na nagmumula sa iba ay nagiging sumbat.

Pero sa kabila ng lahat ay patuloy at patuloy pa rin akong magpapasalamat at tatanaw ng utang na loob. Someday the table will turn.

31/10/2023

So much pain inside and I feel like my heart is going to explode anytime:(

27/09/2023

Tuition - 34,500
Laptop(s)- 42k and 17k
Tablet - 15k
Cellphones - 27k
Uniform - 3k
Score - 2/10

Putsa parang ansarap magpakain sa lupa🥹

19/09/2023

Could be my saddest reality: I have to stay all day inside the room just to study but still unable to function well. This is exactly what I'm trying to escape. I hate it so bad.

05/09/2023

Well, it's not my responsibility to make you understand everything. It's not even my part to explain every detail with you.

23/08/2023

I just realized that while growing up, my feelings are getting fragile. I can't even handle my emotions in watching or reading romantic series or manga with a very melancholic plot.

So tonight, I cried very sad:(((

23/08/2023

It's always hard for me to give my trust to anyone. It's just I feel like I was betrayed by people multiple times in my past life.

18/08/2023

Still living in fear of disappointing others.

04/08/2023

A sudden realization:

Not all the time is, you have to be a righteous person. Minsan, sa pagiging righteous natin na tayo ay napapagiwanan tayo. Personally, I encourage others to avoid practicing the idea of the so-called "perfectionism". Minsan mas mainam na ginagawa mo yung mga bagay na may bahid ng kamalian. I'm not telling you na dapat ay palaging may kasamang mali, but in my case, I realized that, maraming pagkakataon sa buhay ko na ginagawa ko yung tama to the point na nagmumukha na akong masama at mali sa mata ng iba.

Natutunan ko na sometimes, you don't need to be righteous, yet you need to widen your understanding.

Minsan, mas mabuti na sumangayon ka na lang sa mga bagay-bagay lalo na kung nauunawaan mo na makipot yung pang-unawa ng iba.

29/07/2023

Ambigat sa pakiramdam.🙁

12/07/2023

The hardest part is ako yung nagssuffer sa impulsive decisions ng iba. I should've not been involved but I have no choice.

randoms

12/07/2023

Super nakakaiyak huhuhu it wasn't my fault but I had to admit that it was mine. Gusto ko manumbat pero wala akong karapatan. Nakakaiyak dahil super bigat sa pakiramdam. The reality of life taught me to feel the feelings that I should have felt before.

I just want genuine happiness in which I could smile purely and innocently. I expected so many things that would go what they should be but I never thought that they would happen beyond the expectations.

My journey is just getting started and I know I don't have an absolute right to complain. But, people were really getting into my nerves lately. I became involved in some tough situations in which I should not be.

24/06/2023

Probably, one of the major factors why I can't give the genuine and purest happiness to myself is that because there's too much hatred in my heart and confusion in my mind.

And the hardest battle that often leads me to negativity in life is when my hatred consumes me gradually, to the point in which I make many impulsive decisions and actions that also make me suffer in the end.

So hard to live a day without assurance of stability... A stable mind and emotion and positive approach in day-to-day situations.

The bottom line is...yourself is your hostile foe. Your emotions, mindset, actions, and perceptions are just parts of you.

13/06/2023

Bihira ako magtampo sa kahit sinong tao pero believe me or not, once nagtampo ako ay hindi nila gugustuhin. 5 months tayo hindi maguusap ng maayos. My previous friends knew that.

08/06/2023

Am I over-sharing everything?

31/05/2023

I won't let any man come closest to me again. I've had so much trauma, heartaches, and sorrows in making myself believe that they will like me the way I like them.

I'm not that strong anymore to handle too much pain. I'm not that stable anymore to wipe my own tears. I'm not that persistent anymore to give efforts.

Ang sarap magmahal pero gusto ko muna maging bato yung puso ko pansamantala.

29/05/2023

"Ayoko talagang nakikita nila na pinanghihinaan o may pinagdadaanan ako." Kakauwi ko lang galing practice sa sayaw. When I sat on the chair and fixed my things, my brother approached me, he patted my head and pinched my cheeks. Tinanong n'ya ako kung ayos lang ba ako? Naging maganda ba yung sayaw? At may kung anong problema ko. Siguro napansin nya na the moment I entered the house ay alam nya na hindi ako maayos. Earlier, before I went home, I told tita na I realized some things during the practice. Upon realizing those things, I told her directly na "Tita parang gusto ko lumipat ng ibang program, gusto ko na lang rin lumipat ng ibang school. " Tita kakauwi ko lang, naiiyak ako". Less than a minute later, she called me thru the video call. She asked me " Kumusta yung sayaw nyo? Naulanan ka ba? Bakit ka naiiyak? My tears suddenly flowed down into my chin. I wasn't able to speak for 5 mins. She just told me about her day just to make me feel calm and happy.

Sinabi ko na sarili ko na "Piliin natin ang maging masaya palagi" pero kapag super lungkot na talaga ng mga bagay at pangyayari ay hindi mo mapipigilan ang umiyak.

26/05/2023

I will keep on saying "sorry" even though I haven't done anything wrong. I will continue being as humble as I can in every situation. Not only because I don't want to offend others, but also because I want to maintain peace in my mind, heart, and soul.

23/05/2023

Just want to express my deepest gratitude to you for breaking your very first promise. Thank you so much for proving that some promises are just empty words❤️.

19/05/2023

A sudden realization na am not worthy as a friend.

18/05/2023

Narealize ko na in just one wrong move magbabago ang lahat. Ang hirap tignan na sa'yo yung treatment na yun dati pero ngayon nasa iba na. Pero, I can't change everything and I can't beg to bring back that treatment anymore. Sapat na yung naexperience ko yun. Hanggang doon na lang.

09/05/2023

Masaya ako, at yun talaga ang mahalaga.

08/05/2023

I'm entering the "give attention without love-related-intentions" phase of my life. I'm glad that after several months, today, I am able to forget (somehow) the things/events/person that caused me (unexpressed) pain. I only feel less uncomf'table reactions every time we meet. So far, I'm in quite good condition (I guess?). Every bad thing that happened previously, will be forgotten, soon. 🤞

06/05/2023

Greetings with toxicity is one of the most sh*ttest things that I hate. Alam ko kung plastik kang tao at kung pinaplastik mo ako. Don't even try to play with me because I can be the most toxic person that you will never want to do sh*ts with. In this state, I am the humblest, caring, loving, understanding, and modest person you will encounter. But my negative side is the darkest secret of my life. I don't bite yet I eat alive. Just treat me better and I will treat you well.

14/04/2023

Sana kapag ginawa ko ng priority ang sarili ko ay walang magalit. Sana kapag inuna ko ang sarili ko ay walang magtampo. At sana kapag pinili kong umalis pansamantala ay may handa pa rin tumanggap sa oras ako ay magbalik. I only realized today that I'm spending my life being a people pleaser, at first I thought that it was just a normal response to anyone and I thought that was how I should treat everybody. Then, I found out, that's why I get attach easily to anyone because I can't help myself by pleasing and begging them. It is so hard to become a people pleaser pala talaga and I can measure it thru the sufferings I'm dealing with rn..

01/04/2023

Sa mga araw na ito hindi ko alam kung tama pa ba yung mga actions na ikinikilos ko. Kahapon lang napaisip ako kung alin yung mas maayos? Yung dating ako ba o yung ako ngayon? Sabi ko sa sarili ko noon magbabago ako para sa sariling development at para makakilala pa ng ibang tao pero parang napasobra siguro. Inoveruse ko yung development na nangyari sa akin kaya ganito ako ngayon, akala ko marami na akong friends at magiging kaibigan pero nagkamali ako. But to be honest, hindi yung ugali ko ang problema dahil alam ko kung paano, kanino, at kailan ko ibababa at itataas ang ugali ko. Sa kabila ng lahat, para sa akin ako pa rin ang talo kahit na walang laban na naganap. Pero lubos na pasasalamat sa lahat ng mga nanatili, nananatili, nagtiwala, at nagtitiwala sa akin. Mahal ko kayo❤️🫂