#1 in Yellow Journalism, coming at you hot
Trump Has "Scary, Bleeding, Hyper-Realistic Eyes", Warns Democrats
"Please get out and vote, please. You don't understand. Something needs to be done. Please. I'm so fu***ng scared, man. I'm so fu***ng scared. God, please. I don't know what else to do, I don't even know if that will stop him." Democrats urged voters, making some quite ominous claims
Eclipse Will Allow "Entities" To Cross Over To Our Reality, Claims NASA
The internet has been abuzz with the upcoming total solar eclipse, but NASA thinks we should all be taking more precautions for our safety and for the integrity of our dimension, apparently. The important astrological event will apparently make the boundaries of our reality thinner and more "permeab...
Republicans Push For "Temporary Legalized Slavery" For Social And Economic Woes
Desperate times call for desperate measures, apparently, as Republicans are now pushing to bring back a "controlled, temporary form of slavery" that would allow men to own "lesser individuals". The confusing and convoluted proposition would, allegedly, be a "multi-purpose solution" to the many probl...
Quaker Oats Mascot "Larry" Coming To Fortnite
Epic Games has secured yet another impressive crossover for Fortnite. Move over Rick and Morty. Joining the impressive roster of collaboration characters like Goku, Master Chief, and Thanos is "Larry" from Quaker Oats. Quaker's parent company PepsiCo has struck up an incredible deal with Epic that w...
Musk Proposes Tesla Cars Be Fitted With Giant Spring To Avoid Collisions
The genius scientific mind behind Tesla, SpaceX, and now the social media site X (formerly and lesserly known as "Twitter" before Musk brought attention and public acclaim to the niche little website) has once again revolutionized the world with his massive, scientific brain. Einstein must be rollin...
Black Mold Exposure Actually Very Good For You, Makes You Happy And Live Longer Actually, Study Finds
Fake news has been destroyed once again. I love black mold exposure. I love it so much. I love having black mold in my house. I love to have black mold in my house so much and I always feel so happy. I feel so happy whenever I breathe in
Apple's "Vision Pro" VR Headset Will Allow Demons To Show Themselves To Mankind Finally
The final barriers are being broken. Soon, with the release of Apple's "mixed reality" headset, we will be able to mix the reality of our realm with the realm beyond our senses. Those that lurk in the realm beyond our senses will be able to interact with us for the
Christian Leaders To "Have No S*x" In Protest Of Pride Month
Pride Month has begun to receive more and more backlash from conservative and Christian leaders, with many calling upon corporations to stop pushing the "homosexual agenda" upon the country and their children. They've organized boycotts of companies that have ran pride-themed ad campaigns, and prote...
"Link Loves Zelda, Not Ganondorf" Confused Miyamoto Confirms
Nintendo has made a very perplexing official statement today, confirming that main protagonist of the Legend of Zelda series, Link, is not in love with the main villain, Ganondorf. Link, the hero, is in fact in love with the princess that he very often is rescuing, Zelda. For some reason,
Re-Election Of Turkish President Erdoğan Will Have No Bearing On Next Season Of "90 Day Fiancé"
With Erdoğan being re-elected for yet another new term, many were concerned that the state of Turkey's democracy and world government as a whole might somehow impact our lives. What does Turkey mean for me? This guy, I don't even know who he is. Will I still be able to
Mad Catz To Release Third-Party Candidate For Upcoming Election
Mad Catz, known for their third-party gaming peripherals, has announced that they will be creating their first ever third-party political candidate for the upcoming election in hopes of giving voters a cheaper wired alternative to the often expensive first-party political candidates from the major f...
REPORT: Archangel Michael Confirms Ross From Friends Will Be Eternally Damned
Many will be relieved to hear that Ross from Friends is going to be damned for all eternity. This is truly a glorious day for everyone. All of mankind. All of the universe. All of creation, even. Ross from Friends will be damned for all eternity, to suffer in the
"Killdozer" Funko POP! Figure Pre-Orders Sell Out As Scalpers Once Again Exploit Resale Market
We live in such a bitter, rotten world. There is no peace. There is no justice. There is only suffering. There is only hate. There is only wickedness. You people are animals. You're savages. Nothing is sacred to you people. Nothing is beyond your greedy, sticky fingers. We can't have
"Boys Who Cry" Frontman Steps Down Following S*xual Misconduct Allegations
Popular boy band "Boys Who Cry" has been in the headlines lately, embroiled in a scandal that's become all too frequent a thing in this day and age. Creepy men, in their 20's, preying on vulnerable teen girls that attend their shows. Abusing their position of power in Hollywood, or
Trump Sentenced To Ex*****on By Crucifixion
It's a sad day for America, folks. Trump arraigned, patriots losing ground in states across the country. Nation is collapsing. But the worst news was yet to come. The liberal elites have decided on President Trump's fate. Much like Jesus Christ before him, Donald J. Trump is going to be
FACT CHECK: Experts Falsely Claim "Running" Is "Good For You"
False statements and "studies" have been circulating the internet, as always, this time with the claim that we "should be running regularly" for our health. And apparently, not running puts you at risk for "cardiovascular disease". These claims, of course, are completely and utterly false. Just anot...
YouTuber "iDubbbz" Challenges Alt-Right Troll Sam Hyde To Pleasure His Wife In "OnlyFans Fight" Following Creator Clash Drama
YouTube "influencer" boxing fans have been looking forward to the upcoming "Creator Clash 2" event with anticipation, hoping to see their favorite YouTube stars punch the snot out of each other all in the name of charity. But some recent drama on Twitter has started complicating things, with at leas...
Pope Francis Declares Pit Bulls God's Most Blessed Creation
Pit Bulls are one of the most controversial breeds of dog, due to their reputation as violent and potentially lethal. However, they're still one of the most popular dogs in the country, with many defending the breed and saying the dogs are not as bad as they're made out to
BuzzFeed Acquires Satire Site PissDaily After Original Owner's Death
You heard it right, folks. BuzzFeed has taken over PissDaily and all of its various activities for the foreseeable future. It's the least we can do, when we heard what was happening over at PissDaily's offices. It was a very sad day, very tragic, and we just had to step
Andrea Tate Moved To All-Female Prison In Epic Win For Trans Rights
Ever since Andrea Tate came out as transgender they've been under attack from bigots, transphobes, and various "influencers" and people in the "media". Bigots are always trying to silence and deplatform trans voices, and Andrea has made herself a massive target thanks to being so loud and vocal befo...
Elon Musk Vows To End "Woke Mind Virus", Bans "Rick And Morty" From Twitter
The "woke news media" has gotten out of control with their influence over the young and impressionable minds of America's youth. Trying to force crazy ideas into their heads, like "communism" and drinking "oat milk". Joe "Brandon" Biden has effectively stripped the masculinity from America's young m...
Ho***rs To Go Vegan, Only Hire Vaccinated Drag Queens And Trans People, Use Pronouns To Better Appeal To Millennials
Struggling restaurant chain Ho***rs is going to be revamping their business in a major way. It's natural for preferences to shift from generation to generation, and for some reason millennials just don't have any interest in women anymore. Gen Z also. They just don't care for a woman's breasts anymo...
CIA Declassifies Gun That Instantly Uploads 2.5 Petabytes Of Gay Furry Art Into Target's Brain
Many have speculated about what kinds of secrets the government has been hiding from us. Alien life, secrets of the universe, man-made horrors beyond our comprehension. Some things have been declassified over time. What we know about the "unidentified flying objects" (lizard people), how they're def...
BREAKING: A Second Rainbow Cruise Has Just Hit Whomp's Fortress
Oh God oh f**k I can't believe it this can't be happening this can't be happening the tower is coming down oh my God there are bodies falling the bodies are raining from the tower to the ground oh my God I think I'm gonna throw up holy s**t God
Discord Whistleblower Confirms They Read All Your Weird S*xting Messages
First Facebook and then Twitter, the era of social media giants' reckonings is upon us, as they're all exposed but probably never brought to justice considering they're being exposed for working with the feds and not any "real crimes". But it appears the next social media platform that will be
"Twitter Files" Leaks Private DMs Where Trump Roleplayed "Naruto Getting Head" With Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu
All of Twitter's skeletons have been getting dragged out of the closet since Elon took over. Every misuse of power, every potential scandal that was swept under the rug. Elon has been putting everyone on blast, and exposing the corrupt social media giant for what it was. A corrupt social
Kanye "Ye" West Claims To Be Rightful Emperor Of Germany
Influential rapper "Ye", formerly known as Kanye West, has been on something of a rampage lately. He is, as far as we're aware, unmedicated and completely out of control. Going on unhinged rants, getting himself banned from social media platforms, burning every bridge he has. And his tirade has only
Twitter Employees Forced To "Say The N Word" To Keep Their Jobs
Elon Musk has been making some drastic changes to Twitter, and has completely gutted the company. Tons of people have lost their jobs, right-wing profiles have been reinstated, and Twitter has begun selling blue checkmarks in an attempt to generate revenue. Some have speculated that the site itself....
Zuckerberg Offers "Personal VR Handies" For Metaverse Users If They Please Just Use Metaverse
Meta, formerly Facebook, has lost billions investing in the "Metaverse". What the "Metaverse" is, I don't think anyone has ever properly explained to anyone. It's like virtual reality? Except everyone is inside a Walmart brand Wii Sports world? And no one had legs, except at one point they confirmed...
FACT CHECK: I Was NOT "Drunk And Belligerent" At IHOP, That Waitress Was Being A Bitch
I am getting sick and tired of all this fake news being spread. You people have no respect for the truth. You people don't understand that some things in this life are sacred. Some things should not be profaned with your wicked tongues. The truth is the highest, and the
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