06/03/2024
Dear Vauxhall Motors,
Thank you for providing the Corsa hire car that got me safely to and from last weekend's Bovington Stages. It is a very adept all-round machine, which handles and drives well. However, I need to point out a few issues that require attention. They are as follows:
1. The Plippy Thing. The Plippy Thing, which you 'plip' to open the doors and tailgate, seems to have developed a dose of RNPD, or Random Numerical Plippy Disorder. Normally, I would expect any Plippy Thing to open any door with a single but firm 'plip'. Unfortunately, I spent large parts of Saturday failing to open anything except the skin on my fingertips due to having to stab several times on the Plippy Thing. I am not a gambling man by nature, but I bet this randomly recalcitrant piece of kit has a design fault.
2. Headlights. I don't know whether you have realised, but Heinkels no longer toddle up the Thames to bomb London. I mention this because the Corsa's high beam is clearly designed to be an anti-aircraft searchlight.
In the darkness of the Surrey end of the M3 at 5:30 a.m. on Sunday, it was comforting to have an incredibly clear view of the road ahead which, I believe, extended for several miles and woke up residents as far away as Wiltshire. However, like The Plippy Thing, high beam worked completely randomly. Whenever a car came the other way, the headlights automatically dipped, leaving a light source akin to a Scottish crofter's candle. Having been blinded by the other car's high beam, I had to then cope with the return of the searchlight as soon as it had passed.
3. Gearbox. The Corsa has a very good gearbox, with smooth up-changes. However, when changing down, the 'gate' between sixth, fourth and second gears is too close. This caused a disconcerting moment approaching a roundabout, when I found second instead of fourth gear while still travelling at a fair old rate of knots. To its credit, the engine handled the resulting unexpected input of several gazillion revs with remarkable fortitude. However, the rev counter swung round so rapidly it tried to exit the instrument binnacle and fly through the driver's window.
Could I suggest you redesign the 'box so that it has a slightly wider gate? I was about to suggest a distance like the old Austin Maxi had. This allowed plenty of free-form gearstick-stirring, whichever gear you were attempting to find. However, on reflection, the Maxi's 'box always felt like stirring a broomstick in a bucket of cement, so perhaps a compromise could be found.
4. The Wheel Waggling Thing and 'Object Close' heads-up display. My first question is: why does it exist? Driving vision is a two-way thing; I can see other cars near me and they can do the same. Both parties can judge how far away they are without a radar system whose reaction to an 'Object Close' situation is to light up the instrument panel with a bright orange overlay of cornea-burning intensity that blocks out the speedometer and rev counter..
However, this is not the whole problem. Trying to change lanes without indicating activates a disconcerting steering wheel shake which, rather than attracting your attention to a possible problem, instead frightens the living bejeezus out of you as it convinces you that you have a high-speed puncture. Having an investigative nature, I discovered that you can signal left but move into the right lane and vice versa, and the Wheel Waggling Thing disappears.
Clearly the designers don't give a stuff where the Corsa goes, as long as you signal and keep a mile away from other cars. The downside to this came on the way home, when a car in front braked hard while I was changing lanes to overtake. The following few seconds were spent in a whirlwind of Satsuma-hued heads up display, warning beeps and vigorous wheel waggling. Trying to control an unsettled ton of hurtling metal, confronted by a notice stating the bloody obvious is not a situation I would like to repeat any time soon.
5. Speedometer. Being a good little obedient citizen who goes out of his way to obey all the traffic laws brought in by our hard-working, selfless, caring Parliamentarians, I naturally stuck religiously to the 70 mph speed limit on the motorway. However, the speedometer is clearly inaccurate. I noticed that it read 80 to 85 mph all the way down the M3. I, of course, would never dream of exceeding the speed limit and am most puzzled and perturbed by what must be a badly calibrated speedometer.
I would suggest a full nationwide recall of all Corsas to check for inaccuracy, as I feel that if I hired another Corsa - or, indeed,any other car - the same problem of being erroneously shown driving well over the speed limit is certain to occur.
I remain, Sirs, your Obedient Servant.
I.V.J. (Ian) Harden
