31/01/2020
NZ JANUARY IN REVIEW
A record 1.9 million New Zealanders made New Year’s Resolutions to drink less and live a healthier life. By January 10, only two people had actually succeeded, and their friends had stopped inviting them to anything. Enjoy your herbal tea and sanctimony, Scott and Karen. We all hate you.
As people filtered back into work and faced the sheer misery of sitting near that guy who silently farts all the time, lottery ticket sales went through the roof. Google searches for public holidays and murdering fart guys also experienced a strong uptick. Middle managers who promised themselves they’d actually read that inspirational leadership book over the break this year went back to alternatively micro-managing and not having the first bl**dy clue what’s going on. Ian, this is about you.
Harry and Meghan’s withdrawal from the Royal Family took over from All Blacks coaching talk, although Crusaders fans always thought Meghan should’ve married Scott Robertson. Creepy Prince Andrew was just glad to be out of the spotlight, and slithered back under his diamond-encrusted rock. No doubt we’ll find out he’s been sleeping with that rock and a bunch of neighbouring rocks at some point in the future. Creepy much?
On the topic of rugby, Aucklanders were enjoying the best part of the rugby season—the bit before the competition really gets started and everything looks promising. But seriously, this year the Blues are looking great. This is our year. The Warriors are also looking strong. This is our year. Traffic on Auckland’s motorways will also improve. This is our year.
Parents across NZ felt a strong sense of hypocrisy hoping the Yellow Wiggle would make a swift recovery, after years of wishing exactly the opposite (as the billionth repetition of ‘Big Red Car’ burnt a terrible scar deep on their tortured souls). It was all made more human when we surprisingly found out the Yellow Wiggle has a name, and it’s ‘Greg’. Get well, Yellow Wiggle! If you promise to stop singing Big Red Car, we’ll start calling you ‘Greg’.
The country experienced persistent and annoying winds for the first part of the month. It was like being in Wellington, but the coffee wasn’t as good and there weren’t as many stylish hipsters with designer beards just waiting for their big break in the film industry. When the winds died down, several places tried to claim they were as good as Wellington on a good day, but they were quickly shouted down. No, nothing beats Wellington on a good day. The next one of those is due in the capital in January 2023, about the same time the hipsters give up on film and re-train in accounting.
Kiwis watched with head-shaking outrage and grim pleasure as the impeachment saga continued in the particularly un-United States of America. If you watched Game of Thrones you already know the scripting will be terrible, the outcome will be unsatisfactory, and all 45 people still using Twitter will be outraged. Honestly, even birds have stopped tweeting. Get a hobby. Move out of your mum’s basement. Live life. .
Meanwhile, Brexit got even the stiffest of upper lips quivering. If either side is even partly right about the consequences, the country is surely doomed. Luckily, the circus clown in charge of the whole sorry debacle is keeping everyone amused with what is either a brilliantly delivered buffoonery act, or actual buffoonery. Either way, the result is there’s a buffoon in charge. On the positive side, the word ‘buffoon’ has made a long-overdue return to regular usage. If you say it three times into the mirror, Boris will appear and provide you hairstyling advice. Ignore that advice at all costs.
The Black Clash cricket match showed that the Northern Hemisphere is completely right. Richie McCaw was offside ALL NIGHT and never got penalised. Umaga’s tackle was attempted murder funded by the CIA. Owen Farrell is actually great bloke. It’s a global conspiracy. The experts on Twitter know all about it. Btw, don’t forget you owe your mum the rent for this month AND last, guys.
On the internet, random strangers continued to argue with great authority about things they don’t really understand. Anyone with a computer and a glass of wine became an abusive jerk claiming an extensive and certain knowledge of all topics, yet bizarrely demonstrating the reasoning ability of a sleep-deprived toddler on a sugar high. That was especially true for boomers, millennials, and anyone called ‘Martin’. Calm down, Martin.
Meanwhile, inspirational quotes made their usual January Facebook comeback as people who wasted last year and every other year before that turned over yet another new leaf. To summarise, it’s time to avoid toxic people - starting with avoiding yourself. This means you, Jack. But this is your year!
The country’s compassionate and generous response to the terrible Whakaari (White Island) and Australian bush fire disasters showed we’re generally a good bunch at heart. Thank you.
And that was January 2020 in New Zealand. Phew.