NZ in review

06/04/2020

Lockdown Bucket List:

(Do not attempt more than 2 a day)

1. Change out of pyjamas.
2. Leave TV off until 10am.
3. Go outside.
4. No chocolate until midday.
5. No wine until after chocolate.
6. Wave to neighbours.
7. Wonder what day it is.
8. Count toilet rolls.
9. Think of all the things you’ll achieve tomorrow.
10. Stay up past 9pm.

(Like and follow for more).

28/03/2020

THE KIWI STUFF QUIZ

Okay, we’re all trapped at home, time for the Kiwi quiz … remember to follow for more quizzes and fun.

Post your score in comments and challenge your friends!

1. When someone says ‘Mother of the nation’, you know who they’re talking about. (1 point)

2. You’ve had fish and chips on the beach (1 point)

3. You know the number Mt Pleasant Street Crowded House sang about. (1 point)

4. You’ve done mean bombs off a wharf, jetty, waterfall or bridge. (1 point)

5. You’ve fixed something with gaffer tape or number eight wire. (1 point)

6. You’ve done an OE. (1 point)

7. You know the name of Wal Footrot’s girlfriend (1 point)

8. You know the disparaging ‘nickname’ for Aucklanders. (1 point)

9. You’ve used the Edmonds cookbook (you know the one?) to cook something. (1 point) still got one in the house? (Extra point)

10. When someone says they’re from ‘The Tron’, you know what they mean. (1 point)

11. You say ‘be a tidy Kiwi’ if you see litter (1 point)

12. You get references to ‘ghost chips’ (1 point)

13. You’ve been in a car with a coat hanger aerial. (1 point) Owned one? (1 extra point)

14. You say ‘sweet’ (1 point)

15. You know the drill in an earthquake. Drop ... (1 point)

16. You know the nickname of Temuera Morrison’s character in Once were Warriors (1 point)

17. You are fine to wear jandals to a party, pub, semi-formal event. (1 point) Jandals to a wedding (1 extra point) Jandals to your own wedding (5 points)

18. When someone says ‘Richie’, you still know who they mean. (1 point)

19. You’ve had a pie from a service station (1 point)

20. You understand what people mean when they say ‘Yeah, nah.’ (1 point)

21. You’ve seen someone do a yard glass (1 point). Done one? (2 points)

22. You’ve skinny dipped. (1 point)

23. You’ve been to the dairy in bare feet (you know, run out of milk, can’t find shoes ...) (1 point)

SWEET AS, YOU’RE DONE! POST YOUR SCORE OUT OF 23, AND CHALLENGE YOUR FRIENDS TO BEAT YOU!

(Is this quiz missing something quintessentially Kiwi? Add your own in the comments for bonus points).

AND REMEMBER TO FOLLOW NZ IN REVIEW FOR STUFF LIKE THIS. Choice!

24/03/2020

Okay, we’re ready for this.

22/03/2020

For thousands of years, a big percentage of women have been working from home. No need to freak out. Let’s just ask them for some tips.

19/03/2020

Things to stockpile:

Resilience
Patience
Empathy
Calmness
Rationality
Netflix

Take care, everyone.

06/03/2020

THE SIMPLE GUIDE TO DRIVING IN NZ

Driving in NZ is never boring. Keep up with the play with this handy set of rules and ideas that will help you fit in and make fun new friends on our roads and motorways!

- Drive 85kms an hour, then speed up to 105 in the passing lane. Sure, you’re going to hell - but it’s fun for now.

- YELL THE CHORUS! Then mumble the rest. Repeat.

- Eat really messy foods one handed while you drive. Noodle soup is ‘car ninja’ level.

- Multitask. There’s no reason you can’t shave, apply makeup or learn to juggle. And that nose isn’t going to pick itself!

- It’s Sunday! Putter along looking out the windows with great interest while 400 cars bank up behind you. Lovely day for a drive, Martin!

- Get a tow bar so you don’t have to look behind you when you’re backing. Just feel for other cars.

- Only indicate randomly every once in a while. You don’t want to make it too easy for whoever’s tailing you.

- Get drive-through dinner on the way home, but don’t count it as real dinner. Eat another real dinner a bit later. Winning.

- Work yourself into a blazing rage as you back out of your driveway, so you’re ready for the motorway. Don’t be complacent, it’s all about preparation and focus.

- Change the radio station 100 times in a 30 minute trip. Finally find YOUR SONG, right as it ends. Repeat.

- Ignore cyclists. Some of them sometimes ride side by side or skip the lights, it’s okay to knock them off, right? That’s what a good person would do, right? Clue: not right.

- Remember not to indicate.

- Firmly deny speeding causes crashes. It’s a cash grab. Ignore the statistics: you can’t trust maths or science, or common sense, or any other kind of sense.

- Use your horn to show people what a good driver you are. Glare angrily at them while they do it so they suspect you might have some evil superpower. Look out, it’s Glaring Man!

- Gesticulate wildly at other motorists, so that your car rocks on its axles. You can also achieve this effect when YOUR SONG comes on.

- BTW, here comes the CHORUS! Get ready.

- Cut off taxis and break any rule to block them, because that’s what they do to you. Encourage your taxi drivers to break all the rules to make your trip faster.

- Tailgate through roadworks. Who goes 30!? Those workers will get out of the way if they have to, right? See above, regarding cyclists.

- Prefer to sit in traffic than take the bus or train. Public transport isn’t reliable. The bus doesn’t go where you need to go.

- Complain about the traffic. Why don’t these people take the bl**dy train?

- Check Facebook. Someone might have posted a picture of their dinner. Yummers!

- Tow your caravan at 75kms an hour, and ignore all those places you could easily pull over to let people past. Have a name like ‘Just cruisin’ painted on the back to really infuriate the people behind you.

- Drive a really big ute, so you don’t have to do the stupid road rules.

- Occasionally let someone merge into a gap in front of you. This means you’re a good person, even though you angrily blocked people for the 6 months beforehand.

- Only check your mirrors every 25 minutes. That ambulance needs a louder siren, anyway.

- Uh uh, you’re indicating - don’t ruin the surprise of finding out where you’re going.

- Leave your lights on high beam just long enough to be offensive.

- Park wherever you want by popping the hazard lights on. All good!

- Chorus chorus CHOOOORRRRRRUSSSS!

- Stop suddenly every once in a while in the middle of the road, to check the person driving the car following you is alert. Shake your head when they get angry.

- Drive around the block a couple of times if a good song’s on. It’s worth being late. (CHORUS CHORUS CHORUS!)

- Park in parks set aside for disabled people, even though you’re not disabled. This lets us all know we shouldn’t resuscitate you if you’re dying.
Please die.

Disclaimer: stay safe out there. Don’t take these tips, or anything else, too seriously.

REMEMBER TO LIKE AND FOLLOW NZ IN REVIEW (please) for helpful ideas and news.

20/02/2020

05/02/2020

AN IDEA!

I know those home and garden tour things are popular, but I find them a bit deflating—all those perfect homes and gardens that make my wife wish I didn’t sit around in my pyjamas watching MTV, waiting for my BIG BREAK. Why don’t we set up a ‘Average sort of place, but it’s home’ tour, where we go around a bunch of normal sorts of places and then head home feeling like we’re not doing too badly, all things considered?

Some criteria (you need to demonstrate at least two) for properties on this tour would include:

* Some old corrugated iron lying around the place, preferably leaning against the house or a nearby shed.

* A good amount of kids’ toys, preferably rusty in places, ideally half-in/half-out out of what could potentially be labelled a ‘garden’ after several days of hard work.

* A good smattering of nondescript w**ds, especially that bit just under the deck where it’s a bit too much hassle to get to them.

* Herb garden boxes with loads of half-dead parsley. Anything else in evidence should be an officially recognised noxious w**d.

* Lots of spider webs. They are nature’s insect control mechanism; let them thrive.

* A full recycling bin with clear evidence of cheap beer and pre-mixed drinks. Bonus points for those large Lion Brown cans and any brightly coloured RTDs.

* One of those blue paddling pools shaped like a shell, with a small amount of water and a decent scum line on the sides.

* Something definitely disgusting but ultimately unidentifiable that a dog has evidently been chewing for several weeks. Possibilities include a shoe, ancient corn cob, or wedding album.

* At least two birds’ nests in gutters, with extra credit for a bit of grass or other foliage growing alongside.

* A couple of landscaping or other outdoor ‘projects’ that started out with a hiss and a roar, but then summer came and it all ground to a halt. Pick it up again over the long weekend—the one in October.

* A shed that is on a slight lean, with some loose panelling and possibly a few rusty tools visible from the outside since the door doesn’t really close that well anymore.

* A front door that is always open, or at the very least ajar, in case the neighbours want to nip over and drink a bit of wine.

* A bunch of stuff under a tarpaulin that you’re going to sell on Facebook any day now. Any. Day. Now.

* A lounge room that is slightly crowded with a glorious hotchpotch of different furniture, each with a contrasting style and colour scheme.

* A large number of indoor toys, featuring several broken ones—definitely including some Lego cleverly placed so as to be completely invisible until you tread on it in bare feet.

* A clothesline with some washing on it that looks like it’s suffered a shower or two, and just been left there to get dry again. It’s only rain, still clean, no worries really eh?

* An empty toilet roll on the holder in at least one of the bathrooms.

* Cushions that don’t look like they’re in quite the right place, but when you move them you see they were covering a stain of some sort.

* A load of open DVD covers missing the DVD. (Hint: The bottom one has about 19 DVDs crammed into it).

* One storage cupboard that’s so jammed full of stuff the house will actually have to be demolished to get to the things at the back.

* Curtains with evidence of the new felt pens the bl**dy kids got for bl**dy Christmas. So help me God, pass me the wine.

* A terminally ill house plant that really should be thrown out, but it maybe it might just pull through if you go way overboard with the watering. It hasn’t worked the last 17 times, but you never know.

* Clear evidence of ‘This’ll do for now’ style DIY, hopefully with some tape, wire or a bulldog clip playing a key role.

Further bonus points are on offer for houses boasting an old exercycle (treadmill also acceptable), last year’s Christmas tree or a front door so crowded with shoes that you have to be an Olympic long jumper to safely enter the place.

If any local businesses are keen to sponsor, please get in touch.

31/01/2020

NZ JANUARY IN REVIEW

A record 1.9 million New Zealanders made New Year’s Resolutions to drink less and live a healthier life. By January 10, only two people had actually succeeded, and their friends had stopped inviting them to anything. Enjoy your herbal tea and sanctimony, Scott and Karen. We all hate you.

As people filtered back into work and faced the sheer misery of sitting near that guy who silently farts all the time, lottery ticket sales went through the roof. Google searches for public holidays and murdering fart guys also experienced a strong uptick. Middle managers who promised themselves they’d actually read that inspirational leadership book over the break this year went back to alternatively micro-managing and not having the first bl**dy clue what’s going on. Ian, this is about you.

Harry and Meghan’s withdrawal from the Royal Family took over from All Blacks coaching talk, although Crusaders fans always thought Meghan should’ve married Scott Robertson. Creepy Prince Andrew was just glad to be out of the spotlight, and slithered back under his diamond-encrusted rock. No doubt we’ll find out he’s been sleeping with that rock and a bunch of neighbouring rocks at some point in the future. Creepy much?

On the topic of rugby, Aucklanders were enjoying the best part of the rugby season—the bit before the competition really gets started and everything looks promising. But seriously, this year the Blues are looking great. This is our year. The Warriors are also looking strong. This is our year. Traffic on Auckland’s motorways will also improve. This is our year.

Parents across NZ felt a strong sense of hypocrisy hoping the Yellow Wiggle would make a swift recovery, after years of wishing exactly the opposite (as the billionth repetition of ‘Big Red Car’ burnt a terrible scar deep on their tortured souls). It was all made more human when we surprisingly found out the Yellow Wiggle has a name, and it’s ‘Greg’. Get well, Yellow Wiggle! If you promise to stop singing Big Red Car, we’ll start calling you ‘Greg’.

The country experienced persistent and annoying winds for the first part of the month. It was like being in Wellington, but the coffee wasn’t as good and there weren’t as many stylish hipsters with designer beards just waiting for their big break in the film industry. When the winds died down, several places tried to claim they were as good as Wellington on a good day, but they were quickly shouted down. No, nothing beats Wellington on a good day. The next one of those is due in the capital in January 2023, about the same time the hipsters give up on film and re-train in accounting.

Kiwis watched with head-shaking outrage and grim pleasure as the impeachment saga continued in the particularly un-United States of America. If you watched Game of Thrones you already know the scripting will be terrible, the outcome will be unsatisfactory, and all 45 people still using Twitter will be outraged. Honestly, even birds have stopped tweeting. Get a hobby. Move out of your mum’s basement. Live life. .

Meanwhile, Brexit got even the stiffest of upper lips quivering. If either side is even partly right about the consequences, the country is surely doomed. Luckily, the circus clown in charge of the whole sorry debacle is keeping everyone amused with what is either a brilliantly delivered buffoonery act, or actual buffoonery. Either way, the result is there’s a buffoon in charge. On the positive side, the word ‘buffoon’ has made a long-overdue return to regular usage. If you say it three times into the mirror, Boris will appear and provide you hairstyling advice. Ignore that advice at all costs.

The Black Clash cricket match showed that the Northern Hemisphere is completely right. Richie McCaw was offside ALL NIGHT and never got penalised. Umaga’s tackle was attempted murder funded by the CIA. Owen Farrell is actually great bloke. It’s a global conspiracy. The experts on Twitter know all about it. Btw, don’t forget you owe your mum the rent for this month AND last, guys.

On the internet, random strangers continued to argue with great authority about things they don’t really understand. Anyone with a computer and a glass of wine became an abusive jerk claiming an extensive and certain knowledge of all topics, yet bizarrely demonstrating the reasoning ability of a sleep-deprived toddler on a sugar high. That was especially true for boomers, millennials, and anyone called ‘Martin’. Calm down, Martin.

Meanwhile, inspirational quotes made their usual January Facebook comeback as people who wasted last year and every other year before that turned over yet another new leaf. To summarise, it’s time to avoid toxic people - starting with avoiding yourself. This means you, Jack. But this is your year!

The country’s compassionate and generous response to the terrible Whakaari (White Island) and Australian bush fire disasters showed we’re generally a good bunch at heart. Thank you.

And that was January 2020 in New Zealand. Phew.