WryTimes (2024)

01/06/2021

Classic...

Seriously, think about it. Has there ever been a more pointless piece of clothing? A hat has a purpose. A watch has a purpose. Hell, even a handkerchief has a purpose. But what is the point of a tie? Beyond feeling like you’re being slowly choked to death by the world’s weakest person, is there ...

18/02/2021

It's never too early...

Boring g**s are still gay. G**s who love the Dave Matthews Band are still gay. Conflating gayness with any particular moral, political, or aesthetic value the observer has deemed “good,” though, is an act of hijacking—one weirdly similar to the rhetorical move homophobes use when they say gay ...

15/02/2021

Can't hurt to think ahead...

Boring g**s are still gay. G**s who love the Dave Matthews Band are still gay. Conflating gayness with any particular moral, political, or aesthetic value the observer has deemed “good,” though, is an act of hijacking—one weirdly similar to the rhetorical move homophobes use when they say gay ...

14/02/2021

We have to laugh or else... ???

The “I Really Believed It Was True” DefenseLook, Your Honor—I can’t be guilty of “dognapping.” That’s because when I took my friend Kelly’s miniature schnauzer Barko from her home in the middle of the night, I really believed that Barko was my dog. Now, it may be true that I don.....

30/01/2021

Overthinkers, unite! Thanks, JE Mayers...

Yesterday, I was driving along a road when my check engine light suddenly came on, and my car began to make an unusual noise. There was construction on the shoulder, and cones had been placed every hundred or so feet between it and the road. A sign next to one of the cones read “Park […]

30/01/2021

Lisa Feldsher we are listening!

Dear Everyone, I’m finally vindicated! You used to look at me all judgy when I’d wipe down my seat, slather myself in antibacterial ointment and apply a plastic cover to the tray table located in the seat back in front of me on an airplane. You’d give me side-eye when I’d wear a rubber glove...

30/01/2021

Well said, Rachel Marsh. Pretty much sums it up.

As a 32-year-old woman, I know my biological clock is ticking. Loudly. (Or maybe that’s the sound of my mom constantly calling to remind me?) Here’s the thing, though: I just don’t feel ready for motherhood. It’s a lot of pressure, responsibility, and commitment, and the calling has, well,...

23/01/2021

PPE & PPP are so 2020.

PZP—Post-Zoom Paranoia HSD—Home Squalor Disorder IFO—Immediate Family Overexposure AO—Alcoholic Obviously MKASJ—My Kid’s a Screen Ju**ie IMDP—I Miss Dinner Parties SIFMF—Sh*t! I Forgot My Mask! FFOD—F**king Freezing Outdoor Dining PIGBBM—Puppy is Great But Barks Too Much ❏

23/01/2021

PPP & PPE are so 2020...

PZP—Post-Zoom Paranoia HSD—Home Squalor Disorder IFO—Immediate Family Overexposure AO—Alcoholic Obviously MKASJ—My Kid’s a Screen Ju**ie IMDP—I Miss Dinner Parties SIFMF—Sh*t! I Forgot My Mask! FFOD—F**king Freezing Outdoor Dining PIGBBM—Puppy is Great But Barks Too Much ❏

23/01/2021

PPP & PPE are so 2020.

PZP—Post-Zoom Paranoia HSD—Home Squalor Disorder IFO—Immediate Family Overexposure AO—Alcoholic Obviously MKASJ—My Kid’s a Screen Ju**ie IMDP—I Miss Dinner Parties SIFMF—Sh*t! I Forgot My Mask! FFOD—F**king Freezing Outdoor Dining PIGBBM—Puppy is Great But Barks Too Much ❏

23/01/2021

PPP & PPE are so 2020

PZP—Post-Zoom Paranoia HSD—Home Squalor Disorder IFO—Immediate Family Overexposure AO—Alcoholic Obviously MKASJ—My Kid’s a Screen Ju**ie IMDP—I Miss Dinner Parties SIFMF—Sh*t! I Forgot My Mask! FFOD—F**king Freezing Outdoor Dining PIGBBM—Puppy is Great But Barks Too Much ❏

17/01/2021

Fifth grader Tobey Robbins perfectly sums up last year (and the beginning of '21)...

Tobey Robbins draws things.

10/01/2021

Thanks, Brad Snyder, I needed a laugh.

Please listen carefully as our menu options have recently changed. PRESS 1 if you have been taking your temperature every seven minutes and panicking if your thermometer’s reading is even a tenth of a degree above 98.6. PRESS 2 if you are experiencing a recurring nightmare in which you are in a cr...

06/01/2021

So funny, by K.E. Flann.

“It felt like my stoner nephew wrote it.” “Why is it killing off these people?” “That invisible monster is terrifying.” “Why won’t anyone listen to that doctor who says, ‘Live together, die alone’? Come on, people!” “What’s up with polar bears living in balmy places?” .....

27/11/2020

Thank you Jeremy Blachman. I needed a good laugh...

Dear Parents, Thank you so much for your help with our make-your-own-fireworks project for remote science last week. I heard from a number of you—after you’d extinguished the fires—that you’d appreciate something less intense going forward. I totally understand. It hasn’t been easy to a...

17/11/2020

This might be about autumn, might be about something else... you decide!

Fall leaves drift to groundturning shades of red or bluesome even purple, covering the earthin a kaleidoscope of patriotic colors Workers rake gifts of autumn into piles,making separate piles for each color,until mounds of varying sizesspread from near to the horizon Passers by take great interest i...

16/11/2020

Thank you, David Rubin for saying it so eloquently...

(With apologies to Elizabeth Barrett Browning) How do we loathe thee? Let us count the daysUntil we frog march your whole depth and breadth and heightOut of the White House, the People’s House, that’s right,And shout FINISHED! to your four years of craze.We’ve loathed thee for minutes, ...

03/11/2020

Anita Liberty! Welcome to the Wry 💜

The stakes couldn’t be higher. There is no way to prepare. So we don’t. I need him to be the answer. Last time we threw parties.We had cupcakes with Her name on them. We bought champagne. I am putting my faith in him. This year, we hold our breath.We throw no parties.We keep our expectat...

28/10/2020

Therapeutic humor from new WryTimes contributor Bett Willett.

I just got a brand-new iPhone-11, and a new phone number for my new life. No sooner had it been activated then I heard the Star Wars theme song ring tone. I said, “Hello.” Worried Female Voice (WFV): Is this Dr. Jungfreud, the psychotherapist? ME: No, sorry. You have the wrong number. WFV: Is ...

28/10/2020

Covid's really shaken up the institution of marriage...

COVID has presented married people with unprecedented levels of exposure to their spouse. The U.S. Department of Marriage has responded.

28/10/2020

Funny piece by Michael VM plus bonus delicious GFchow.com recipe now on WryTimes. (Go to WryTimes.com when you need a break from everything else...)

It was fall when I first had the chicken. We had spent what seemed like all day in the car with mother, heading south through the winding hills of Jespersen County as the smoke from hearth-warming fires piped from the chimneys of the homes that dotted the local highways. The leaves were spare and ...

28/10/2020

If you're exercising at home these days, you'll relate! Thanks for the WryTimes submission, Liz Astrof!

I’m standing on my yoga mat, wedged between my nightstand and a basket of dog toys in the back corner of my bedroom...

28/10/2020

BREAKING:

Tom Tillsby seemed like a nice guy 11 years ago, according to his wife, Sara. In fact, he still does, so what’s the catch? He’s white.

27/10/2020

This piece by Julie Rottenberg sparked a lively discussion on WryTimes -- and even follow-up submissions -- about hugging. Read & enjoy!

Back in March, when the Coronavirus started picking up steam here in New York, we were all told we should stop shaking hands. This didn’t affect me much—maybe because I’m female and I find women shake hands much less than men, but also because I’m a screenwriter, and in Hollywood, you don’...

26/10/2020

Read. Eat. Enjoy.

It was fall when I first had the chicken. We had spent what seemed like all day in the car with mother, heading south through the winding hills of Jespersen County as the smoke from hearth-warming fires piped from the chimneys of the homes that dotted the local highways. The leaves were spare and ...

15/10/2020

How'd the NY Post miss these?

The secretary of state said he would make Hillary Clinton’s emails public, handing the president a weapon to attack his political foes as the attorney general resisted his overtures to prosecute them.–The New York Times, October 9, 2020 TO: ChelseaFROM: MomRE: sorry, annoying real quick—I trie...

13/10/2020

Darkly funny by Amanda Bloom...

This is my rifle. This is my gun. This is my gun holster face mask I sewed with fabric leftover from the matching Fourth of July tablecloth, napkin, and chino shorts set I made last summer. There are a few face masks like it, but this one is mine. It has an interior filter pocket […]

07/10/2020

If you liked the blue/black OR white/gold dress test... https://wrytimes.com/what-do-you-see/

Remember that internet dress that some people saw as blue and black, and others swore was white and gold? WryTimes just loves those tests, so we decided to do our own. When you look at the photo below, what do you see… A clever, appealing gazillionaire who says all the stuff I secretly think in [....

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