10/09/2023
I hope everyone is enjoying their weekend. I know a few days ago I mentioned about telling my story about mental health and struggles I go through. I tried doing a video yesterday, but spent an hour deleting and starting over because I was having a hard time focusing and feeling uncomfortable with looking into a camera and talking. I’ll get there.. it will take me some time. So, I decided to share my story through text.
I’ve been struggling with anxiety and depression for many years. I have PTSD from the car accident back in 2020 and I recently was diagnosed with BPD (borderline personality disorder). BPD is a mental disorder that severely impacts a persons emotions. This diagnosis has been hard for me given that I have other mental disorders, so I have a hard time processing this and it really has made me question myself as a person.
Now, I’ve dealt with the social anxiety since about the 5th grade. That’s when I’ve noticed I was having a hard time. I struggles from that year on with making and keeping friends since I was socially awkward and I couldn’t keep a conversation or start one to save my life. I often skipped school because couldn’t handle the stress of it and I failed quite a few classes. I wasn’t diagnosed with this until I was like 15 or 16. My mom thought I was going through a phase, I was just shy, I was just being stubborn, difficult, or ridiculous.
She finally realized something was wrong when she took me to the store and ask me to go in and just grab a few things and I refused. I was literally scared to go in there. She gave me this stare that she gives like a “what the f**k is wrong with you” look. If you know my mom, you know that look. Anyways, she finally took me to the doctor and that’s when it all came to light that I had a social phobia. To this day she doesn’t really understand why it bothers me so much and she probably never will. It’s always going to be in my head to her or just something I need to just get over.
With the depression, that came when my brother Dale passed away. Everyone I’m sure knows who he is. If not, he is.. or was.. my older brother who died in a car accident while delivering packages for a company he was working for in 2005 when I was just 16. Dale and I had a close bond just like I do with my older sister. He was my brother, but he also was like the second dad just like I see my sister as another mom. Our parents worked a lot. They both had more than one job and we basically took care of each other when we needed to. Around his friends I was just the annoying sister and I would p**s him off just because I could, but he really did take that protective brother role pretty seriously. I don’t think he realized how much of an anchor he was for me so when he died a part of me died a long with him.
I was so distraught over his passing, I nearly ended up in the hospital because of it. I was dehydrated, I couldn’t eat, I was constantly becoming sick and lost so much weight. I remember my dad had to carry me into the doctor because I was too weak to walk. I was put on bed rest and had to drink a s**t ton of Gatorade and I was given medication as well. That’s when I was diagnosed with the depression. What bothers me is my sister begged my mom to take me to counseling and I was denied that. She told her that I would get over it eventually and that death happens. How well did that go? Not well… I haven’t been able to process this for years. It wasn’t until 2017 that I was able to deal with the pain and grief over my brothers death. I couldn’t afford the therapy I needed when I was on my own until then.
I don’t like talking about this. It makes me feel somewhat uncomfortable and I keep hearing my mothers voice and then I think like this is what everyone is thinking too. Like this is a long time to grieve for someone. It is a long time to grieve and it’s sad to not be able to come to terms until many years later, but I’m not going to feel ashamed for it. I kept a few items that belonged to him. I have an old stuffed dog, his wallet, a handmade keychain, and some jewelry he had and I also took the car emblem from his car…for what exactly? I’m not sure, but I have it. I honor my brother every September for his birthday and for February when he died. It makes me feel better and somewhat therapeutic. I owe him that much for sure. He’s gone, but he lives in my memories and I talk about him often.
As for the PTSD, was when my husband and I were hit head on in a car accident when he picked me up from work. We were headed to Colorado for the weekend. We were hit right by Wesley which is where I was working at the time. A truck pulled out in front of another car in the turn lane which caused that car to flip right in to us. I had air bag burns is what they call it all over my legs, we had one of those air freshener things you plug in that went in my leg, the impact messed up my hip and caused me to have significant damage to my back and not to mention feeling like being punched in the face with an air bag. Now, don’t get me wrong… I rather have that than going through the windshield. Zach had to have surgery on his knee from hitting the dash, severe bruising from the seatbelt and air bag. It was very traumatizing and it caused me to have a huge fear to even be a passenger let alone drive. I’m learning to be comfortable with driving and I have done better with being a passenger, but I am overly cautious and watching every person around us. I actually make my husband nervous sometimes because of it. So.. yeah I have some trauma to work on. I miss driving and I know how to drive, it’s just I don’t trust anyone else on the road.
Okay y’all… I’ve rambled enough here. I do appreciate you taking the time and reading this long ass story of mine. Like I said, I tried doing a video and I rather do that and be really interactive it’s just going to take some getting used to and being comfortable with looking at myself on screen while I talk (to myself). I am to make this a weekly thing. I have so much to tell!! Next up… or shall I say next chapter? 🤔 lol how about family. Let’s open that can of worms shall we? 😉 -DeBoss
