The Ironical Chronicle

12/11/2020

“Why you should tell them? The look on their faces as they struggle to come to grips with the logistics, why else?"

But not any less loved.

15/10/2020

“What an unenviable position for the Jenkins family. And will the $45 in their savings account even cover either of these procedures?”

Unanticipated expenses are the hardest ones to deal with.

27/09/2020

"As for me, I like when it rains. It can be a great chance to curl up and read some of my neighbour's mail that was sent to me in error."

Human clouds are raining droplets of lament and woe.

13/09/2020

“Also, try your best to keep conversations about you. You don’t want to be seen as arrogant by shoving your listening skills in someone’s face.”

Stiff, uninspired small talk will be your key to success.

02/09/2020

"Things are getting less bleak in Winnipeg, at least from a personal safety perspective, as crime rates continue to slide."

Things are getting less bleak in Winnipeg, at least from a personal safety perspective, as crime rates continue to slide.

27/08/2020

“I just need a little more to keep me going than preparing cereal-based dinners and having meaningless conversations with myself.”

Climbing the domestic ladder can involve longer hours, but can it lead to the same lack of fulfillment?

18/08/2020

"Turns out that in the time that elapsed since you last checked the fridge, some generous and slippery bastard broke into your house, and left the perfect snack in your fridge. Then, just as mysteriously as they came, they left."

Not actually hungry, but bored enough to think you are? Today's your lucky day, big guy!

11/08/2020

"It’s been a tough few months for Leonard Dukakis, who recently hit a new low when he failed to close all of the rings on his Apple Watch."

Woe is he.

03/08/2020

“I find it inconsiderate when people invoke my name whenever they stub their toe, or bonk their shin on their lover’s bed frame. It’s like, what do I even have to do with that?"

Jesus Henry Murphy is a mild-mannered watch salesman from Winnipeg. And he’s fed up.

28/07/2020

"Winner of ‘First Runner-Up’ for ‘Worst Product of the Year’, the cord can only be purchased in-store at one of the country’s two Phone Supply locations."

Available for eleven cents from Phone Supply, this self-wrapping cord will provide some retro flair for those painfully lonely nights.

21/07/2020

"Started as a prison colony for Manitobans in 1779, Saskatchewan is home to the world’s biggest collection of boredom."

A place where dreams don’t go to die, but go to retire, and then die.

14/07/2020

Albert “Gramps” McCutcheon, is headed for literary fame. Unfortunately, it’s at your expense. His book, titled "Kids These Days, I Swear to Christ" is set for release next month."

His book, titled "Kids These Days, I Swear to Christ" is set for release next month

05/07/2020

Michael Fitzmichael, noted entrepreneur, philanthropist, scientist, sports star, Grammy award winner, and Tony award nominee, has lately been the victim of harassment by a local man who simply goes by “Falcon”.

One, a model of decency, the other, an affront to all things decent.

22/06/2020

Sorry funcles, but your day will come.

“Funcles” take an unwelcomed back seat during this all-important holiday.

14/06/2020

Go get em fellas!

First prize is a second bluetooth ear piece to talk into for the duration of your ride.

01/06/2020

Wholesome shmolesome!

Wholesome shmolesome

25/05/2020

Is there enough pep in this shepherd's step?

18/05/2020

Is the probe ribbed for my pleasure, at least?

Great, but why are their probes ribbed?

10/05/2020

So fast, so sexy.

They may not look fast, but they'll get you nowhere in a hurry.

05/05/2020

Middletontown, Nebraska Julian Wetzenwurd, paternal grandson of the notorious Otto Wetzenwurd, should have been living more discretely. Yesterday evening, police traced his whereabouts to South Middletontown, where he was living in a ritzy apartment overlooking a KFC. “That cocky little bastard co...

02/05/2020

Will Steve receive the benefits and refunds to which he might be entitled? Or will he be punished for non-compliance of tax obligations?

27/04/2020

So easy and fun to make, you'll forget that he forgot your name.

20/04/2020

Sometimes a guy's eyes get heavy, but sleeping at your desk in poor form.

Sometimes a guy’s eyes get heavy, but sleeping at your desk is poor form.

15/04/2020

Cu***ld, Indiana Little Jamie-James is growing by the day, it seems.  His parents were caught off guard shortly after supper yesterday evening, when their former toddler was heard uttering something resembling an expression of good manners.  The boy apparently needed something badly enough to forc...

09/04/2020

Nobody wants to be the one to single-handedly shut down their office.