SNOOR

07/11/2023

We did it!! On this historic SNOOT DAY, we’ve FULLY FUNDED the feature film “Sheer Pandemic”!!

While the blockchain is a great place to fund shows and films, we've discovered that it's less ideal for mass-streaming videos, so we put it up on Amazon Prime, where you can stream it for only $2.99!!

https://www.amazon.com/Sheer-Pandemic-Chason-Laing/dp/B09MDMM7XT

However, you can also stream it for free on Tubi!!

https://tubitv.com/movies/630757/sheer-pandemic

(Hopefully, this will shut up all of you cantankerous whiners who want to stream from apps that work on your streaming devices. 🙄 We don’t know how you’ll gatekeep the Bible Study Biddies that way, but we digress.)

Now, for those of you who believe in INHERITANCE and want to really love your neighbors (us), here’s our proposal: let’s fund it again! If you throw your Snoot at it, we can hopefully put it on the blockchain in the future! Won’t that be better somehow??

Ready to fund this movie all over again, Rockstar Alpha Pirates???

Let’s goooooooo!!!

Snoor: don't snettle for snubstisnoots!!

07/11/2023

ATTENTION ALL ROCKSTAR ALPHA PIRATES!!!

On this historic Snoot Day, we have FULLY FUNDED one of our feature films!! Look for the announcement later today!! You won't want to miss it!!

14/09/2023

SNOOR is about to ROCK hellyweird with a new sketch comedy show streaming exclusively on the blockchain.

Think Chris Farley 😵‍💫 meets Jack*ss 🫏meets a cautionary ⚠️ warning from the American Heart Association❤️.

Hellyweird would never pay for a bit where our CFO eats an entire cube of butter, but you savage snooting alpha pirates would.

Get ready to binge on a tinge of the cringe*


* first 6 minute sketch expected to fund in 6-8 months

04/09/2023

Don’t let the 29% rating on Rotton Tomatoes fool you; this was one of the greatest Christian films of all time! 😤🙏✌️😇👋

11/08/2023

We know that our critics (who have clearly just never built anything in their lives and are JEALOUS of our enormous success) are going to come after us for this, but we're just going to say it.

Building a hellyweird-destroying business takes sacrifice. More specifically, the sacrifices of its customers. (Pure, unadulterated capitalism, baby!)

Yes, we know that the price of "necessities" like gas and groceries is skyrocketing.

We know that people are losing everything from their homes because they can't pay their mortgages to their lives because they can't pay to get their AC units fixed.

But here's the GOOD news:

We did the math, and if 1,000 of our fans band together, skip buying groceries for a week, and use that money to buy Snoot instead, we could fund nearly 3.5 minutes of the first episode of our new show, Em-bear-assing Bible Tales!

Which would you rather have?

7 days of food in your cupboard, or the satisfaction of knowing that you're contributing to the DESTRUCTION of our ENEMIES in HELLYWEIRD via nearly FOUR minutes of cartoons??

Not convinced? We're tirelessly dedicated to connecting our business model and marketing practices back to scripture in some way, so we looked up some Bible verses about food to workshop for new taglines (everyone knows a new tagline every month is the KEY to brand recognition)!

Here are some of the ones we're considering:

- "Man does not live on bread alone... buy Snoot."

- "What father among you, if his son asks for a fish, would not rather give him Snoot?"

- "Do not work for food that spoils, but work to buy more Snoot."

- "Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; worry about how much Snoot you can buy."

So how about it, you savage Snooters? Who's willing to join us in our campaign and give up groceries for a week? Not only will we fund those 3.5 minutes that are SO vital to the Kingdom, but our creators will get 5 cents on the dollar!!

Plus, it's a great opportunity for spiritual growth for your kids! While they're asking why you didn't bring home any food this week, you can explain to them that there are more important things in life than a full tummy, and get them hyped for all the quality entertainment your sacrifices are bringing into the world!

So let's go! We just need 1,000 people to buy our Triple Platinum Snoot Boop Extreme Pack and we'll be well on our way to decimating the secular film industry!!

[Note for whichever 15-year-old intern ends up posting this: please add something controversial to this post so we get more comments. It doesn't really matter what; at this point, we're bleeding funds and getting desperate, so honestly whatever you think is edgy enough to get people talking will work. Some ideas -- domestic violence, adult content, whatever. Can you also please prep an email begging people to do Snoor-themed stuff and send us videos for free marketing, and tease that we might reward them with Snoot for it? I know we said we were done with that awhile back, but we're honestly not sure what else to do at this juncture. Please remember to remove this note before posting. Thanks!]

10/08/2023

POSTMIL TAKES DOMINION.

This is our life motto and just one of our hundreds of company mottos (some might say we don't have direction, we say that we are a proverbial buffet of winning and cleverness.)

This concept means so much to us that our founder actually has the motto tattooed on his low back next to a picture of Doug Wilson. Yeah, we are THAT postmil.

That being said, SNOOR doesn't just develop amazing hellyweird crushing content for your entertainment (release dates tbd). We are also breaking into the beverage business.

Drunkenness is a real problem and we are ready to behead the staggering dragon! ⚔️

We are offering those that are sinfully addicted to alcohol 🍺 an opportunity to ✋️ STOP ✋️ buying BOOZE and instead sign up for a 7 day free trial to FIZZ.

By joining FIZZ you will:
1. Not actually get to the root of your sin problem (but marketing isn't really about that... go talk to your pastor or something)

2. Get to drink unlimited tap water

3. Have our marketing team (some guy named larry) barrage you with so many posts and emails begging for money to get FIZZ off the ground that, if you weren't signed up with FIZZ, it would drive you to drink

4. Have an opportunity to dump hundreds (or even thousands) of dollars into the development of a new ROOTBEER (the drink of real men) that probably won't taste that good... also... it's going to take a long time to develop.

So what are you waiting for? Go find FIZZ on the blockchain.

07/08/2023

Hey punk rock snoot boopers! 💪

I’m hearing that tomorrow is the big day to purchase platinum snoot. We’ve got a bunch of savage snoot boopers gearing up to buy platinum snoot. Last time this happened, our lead TV show “Em-bear-assing Bible Tales” (no episodes funded yet), got a bump of 0.75% in funding. Hellyweird is shaking in their boots!

Snoor is the only streaming site that lets YOU choose to pay more if you want. Does Netflix let you convert your life savings into TV shows in real time? I think not! Does HBO max let you donate hundreds to your favorite movies? Some may ask “how can we know they’ll be our favorite movies if we haven’t seen them yet?”
One word: Trinitarianism.

01/07/2023

Dont
Sleep
On
Snoor

23/06/2023

Don't waste your money on those who don't deserve it. Give your funds to SNOOR instead!

22/06/2023

22/06/2023

As soon as a SNOOT in the coffer rings, the soul from HELLYWEIRD springs.

05/06/2023

SNOOR is for the children.

Leave an inheritance of postmil, presby, theonomistic, edgy, male (between the ages of 18 and 35) entertainment on the blockchain for future generations.

There will be blood and cusses, so Biblestudy Biddies need not apply!👵👵👵

Once our launch launch finally launches you will have the privilege of paying us $15 a month in exchange for 🪙Snoot🪙.

Keep booping that Snoot and you will eventually fund Youtube quality content that will DESTROY hellyweird.

Why doomscroll thousands of shows when you can scroll three shows before doomsday?

31/05/2023

Big things are happening.

We are about to launch our launch for the pre-launch launch. Right now, we are ALPHA testing our launch to launch the launch. But don't worry if you don't get in on the first round of ALPHA launchers we will have plenty of opportunities for launching.

Want to be a launch launcher?

This is VERY exclusive so you will have to grovel at our feet. IF you are lucky we will take notice. 👀👀👀

02/05/2023

Do you have the courage to join us? 💪

[Sound on 🔊 ]

22/01/2023

OUR COMPETITORS SEEM TO THINK WE ARE A THREAT. WHY ELSE WOULD THEY MAKE THIS GIF?

THEY KEEP SAYING THAT PHTEVEN WOULD "NEVER BE SO DESPERATE AS TO SIGN UP WITH THOSE CLOWNS [US]!" AND "SNOOR WHO?"

THEY CAN LAUGH ALL THEY WANT 🤣🤣🤣 BUT THEY KEEP FORGETTING ONE THING.

WE DONT NEED A PLAN.
WE DONT NEED PROOF OF CONCEPT.
WE DONT NEED A WORKING PLATFORM.

WE ONLY NEED (and maybe a second mortgage on our house).

WE ARE WAITING BY THE PHONE, MR.CHOWDER. GIVE US A CALL. WE CAN BE WHATEVER YOU WANT US TO BE, BABY.

21/01/2023

Please pay attention to us, Phteven. We would treat you so well. Please just think about it. 💕💕💕

21/01/2023

The Jimmy Airplane/Phteven Chowder/The Weekly Cable scandal has finally revealed the truth, and let me tell you, it's 👏 a 👏 doozy. 👏

The Weekly Cable, those supposed champions of free speech and conservative values, have shown their true colors, and they are not pretty. 🙈

It turns out that The Weekly Cable will not tolerate any content that might offend the delicate sensibilities of big tech overlords, and they will go to any lengths to protect their precious position on leftist platforms and their advertising deals.

Yes, you heard me right. They will sacrifice their principles, their values, their very souls, all for the sake of appeasing the gods of Silicon Valley. 🦾

And how do I know this, you ask?

Because I have personally witnessed it firsthand. About a year ago, we asked The Weekly Cable to advertise our work to their audience, and we were flat-out rejected. 😤

APPARENTLY, The Weekly Cable doesn't make a habit of working with competitors. You know what that means, right? They're threatened by us. They think we're a threat. 😏😅😂

First of all, we may have been incredibly combative towards them in the past, maligning them at every turn, painting them as compromisers, and claiming that their use of similar words in ads proved they were copying us, but that is NO excuse to not bolster the work of another conservative company out here in the trenches. 😒

We are on the same team, are we not? Do you even care about the issues? Don't you want to be our friend?? 😭

Second of all, we're BARELY competition for them. I mean, we basically have no money. Really? A THREAT? Lil ol' us??

Sure, we want to demolish all of Hellyweird, destroy all leftist streaming platforms, dominate the conservative streaming market such that the others wither from existence, host the 2024 presidential 🇺🇸 debate, and buy Disney back from the Marxists.

And 👏 we👏 will.👏

So like, take us seriously, let us sit at the big boy table, treat us as equals in the market, but we're literally at the stage of trying to rake in followers and attention by joining in on any controversy we can. Does that sound like a threat to you?? 🤔

And that's not even where the story ends. I recently sent another email to The Weekly Cable letting them know our latest content was about to air and they should jump on these coattails while the bandwagon was hot, and guess what?

Not a peep. Not a word. Not a single response. It's as if they didn't even know we existed. 🤐

And yet, despite their lack of support, our free content turned out to be wildly popular! 😁 (Yes, you heard me right. FREE. No contracts, no paywalls, no nothing. Just pure, unadulterated, freely-available content on the blockchain.)

The Weekly Cable could have had a slice of that pie. The pie could have been way bigger if they'd just done as we said. And yet, they still refused to help us. 😑

Why? Because they wouldn't risk losing their precious platforms and advertising deals. Also, they’re disproportionately threatened by us. There are NO other plausible reasons. 😤🙅🏻‍♂️

So there you have it, folks. The truth is out. The Weekly Cable is not a champion of free speech. They are not a champion of conservative values. They are not a champion of anything except their own self-interest. 💁🏽‍♂️

They will not stand up to big tech, and they will not fight for your rights. They are cowards, pure and simple. 💅

No 🧢, as the kids would say (and we would know, as we are very young and cool).

So if you are an artist looking to stand up where The Weekly Cable won't, come to SNOOR. We will welcome you with open arms. 🤗

But if you prefer to play it safe and worship the giant chocolate bunny like The Weekly Cable, then I suggest you go to Australia with all the rest of the nay-sayers. 🇦🇺

You want a line drawn, WC? Here's ours: you either support the work of your competition, or you're liars about your values. That's how REAL capitalism works. 😤

And don't whine about how we're participating in cancel culture by airing your dirty laundry. You've just left us no other choice but to expose you for who you really are and let the Doritos fall where they may. 🙃

Here at Snoor, we believe in art, comedy, the power of friendship, and freedom, and when it comes to standing up for what is right and protecting artists, we will not hesitate to cancel anyone and everyone who threatens that! 👊

SNOOR: viva la revosnootion! 💪💪💪💪💪💪💪💪💪💪

20/01/2023

I want to get ahold of Phteven Chowder but first I need to stop pacing the floor and throwing things. Rest assured, post-tantrum, Phteven will be contacted.

20/01/2023

👋 👀

12/01/2023

High School Musical: The Musical: The Series: The Holiday Special is one of the greatest Christian movies of all time.

09/01/2023

Are you tired of Hellyweird’s mediocrity? 🥱

Tired of settling for the subpar content made by non-postmil posers? 🥴

Tired of streaming services that just don't get it? 🫣

Well, the wait is almost over, because SNOOR is here to save the day! 💪💪💪��Now I know what you're thinking: "Oh great, another streaming service." 🙄🙄🙄

But consider this: SNOOR is DIFFERENT. 🤠

Why?

Because it's the only streaming service made by people who truly understand the hypostatic union. 🤝 🙌

At SNOOR, we have a team of theologians and art critics who have spent literal minutes on end pondering how the hypostatic union applies to art. 🎨🎭🎤

I mean, let's be real here, all of those other streaming services out there are just a bunch of hacks. 🤖

Sure, those guys are succeeding, but did they splice together some biblical phrases to formulate a totally unique COVERT CONDIMENT to success? 🌭🍔🫕

Did they leverage the power of Facebook arguments to solidify their understanding of scripture? 📱🤡

No way!

SNOOR is the ONLY streaming service taking this unique approach to understanding why good art is NECESSARILY related to the dual nature of Christ! ✝️

So if you want the best streaming experience possible, you know what to do. Ditch those other losers and join the SNOOR revolution. We've got the best content, the best user experience, AND the hypostatic union on our side. 💪💪💪

SNOOR: we're basically Luther if he were printing the world’s best Christian films 🎬🎬🎬

07/01/2023

Scamper the Penguin is one of the greatest Christian movies ever made.

05/01/2023

Try all you want, Hellyweird, but you can’t get rid of us. We’re like twinkies in the apocalypse, and we’re coming for your audience. Don’t say we didn’t warn you. We are inevitable. 💪

04/01/2023

That’s showbiz, baby. Pure, unadulterated capitalism at its finest. 😁

03/01/2023

“The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part 1” is one of the greatest Christian movies of all time.

31/12/2022

BIG news, everyone!! 🥳

*drumroll*

 🥁🥁🥁

Last night, one of our SNOOR developers tested out our payment portal. 😮

How, you might ask? By putting in his own debit card info. 💳 💳 💳

That's right. He signed up to make sure it worked.

As soon as we finished crying tears of joy and high-fiving, we printed out the confirmation email and taped it to the wall so we never forget where we started. 🥹🥹🥹

Pre-profit who??? 🤭

Keep your crayons and scooch on down, people. No more kiddie table for us. 💪💪💪💪💪💪

SNOOR: Da Big Bois, Moses 😤

31/12/2022

Watch out, Hellyweird. We're coming for you in 2023. 💪💪💪

03/12/2022

It’s time to be held accountable. We’ll accept your apologies if you promise to demand that your friends also do exactly as we say from now on.

27/10/2022

Attenti0n a11 R0ck Star A1pha Pirates!! 🎸✨💪🏴‍☠️

We’re sending this message in c0de t0 evade the a1g0rithm, as, f0r the past severa1 m0nths, every p0st we’ve made has been immediate1y rem0ved by Zucc’s cance1b0ts. 🤖🤖🤖

In fact, 0n September 31st, we re1eased 0ur m0st ambiti0us pr0ject yet in c0njuncti0n with severa1 stunning and brave ce1ebrities 👀 👀 👀

A1th0ugh we had them each p0st it individua11y rather than sharing a sing1e p0st, every c0py was rem0ved fr0m s0cia1 media within the week. 😤

Y0u may be w0ndering, why did we g0 t0 the tr0ub1e 0f 0rganizing a mass re1ease 0f 0ur w0rk 0n cance1-happy p1atf0rms we detest? Sure1y we knew that it w0u1d be taken d0wn, right? 🤨

We11, that’s 🎬 the 🎬 p0int 🎬
It PR0VES that the w0r1d needs SN⚫️⚫️R: the uncance11ab1e p1atf0rm. 💪😎

H011yw00d, Zucc, and Y0uTube are n0 match f0r SN⚫️⚫️R: the 0N1Y streaming service 0n the ⬛⛓, bringing y0u everything fr0m desaturated Christian Nati0na1ism d0cuseries 💪💪💪 t0 super sp00ky dem0n-specu1ati0n d0cuseries. 😱

N0w, have we been accused 0f trying t0 manufacture 0ur 0wn instances 0f martyrd0m because we want t0 drum up attenti0n and ta1king p0ints by getting 0ur c0ntent rem0ved?

Sure, but c0nsider this: we’re ushering in the mi11ennia1 reign 0f ✝️, s0 what’s a high1y transparent attempt at a media stunt 0r tw0 in the 10ng run? 💅

N0w that we’ve f0und a way t0 evade the Zuccb0ts, expect t0 see a 10t m0re 0f us! Te11 y0ur friends that we're back and 1eave a c0mment with y0ur favorite thing ab0ut us to b00st this p0st! We’ve g0t s0me exciting stuff in the w0rks and y0u d0n’t want t0 miss 0ut!

After a11, d0n’t y0u want t0 be ab1e t0 te11 y0ur grandkids y0u were there when P0st-Mi1 Wi11iam aired?