02/03/2021
Hi all! Especially for those of you listening on iTunes, I will post show notes here until we get our website up and running. So, without further ado, here are the show notes for Episode 1!!
Hear some first episode jitters as we review profiles without photos. Kris and Lauren discuss a questionably positive gentleman and a q***r woman who really wants to get to know you. Both profiles also want you to know, they work out.
Kris’ profile highlights include: Egregious capitalization (and a wish for secret decoder messages), a fixation on “good manners” (and why only dudes seem to comment on this), lurking subtext, weird repetition and considering how you elaborate, and Portland’s love of the outdoors. Overall, Kris and Lauren were pretty unimpressed.
Lauren’s profile highlights include: Q***rness, labels, and choices with acronyms; judgmental working out; healing journeys, disclosure, emotional bandwidth, and setting boundaries. Also, emojis as profile summary and/ or generational difference (plus a Lucky Lager story!). This profile left us feeling like this person may aggressively judge us, cross boundaries, and wouldn’t be great at affirming their playmate, but we liked that they created a clear 3-part essay and job ad. And, always, Black Lives f*cking Matter.
The More you Know
Today’s Topic: Heteronormativity and labels in the q***r community.
In this episode you hear us briefly discuss q***r, bis*xual, pans*xual, demis*xual, and sapios*xual orientations. Some people might wonder, why so many labels? That’s because s*xuality is diverse! There’s not just one way to be q***r* (or straight!), and labels may help us find similar people.
However, labels aren’t universal or singular. Our quick description in the episode, even of identities we hold, are likely missing nuance or things that may be important to others who share the identities. If someone shares a label with you, ask them what it means to them! Ask about how people relate to s*xual attraction, romantic attraction, and relationship structures, among other things. No set of labels will cover all the beautiful variation we carry with us.
And for the love of all that matters in this world, don’t ever try to argue with someone about their s*xuality. If you don’t get it, you don’t have to! It’s theirs. Ask questions to get to know someone not to decide whether who they are, what they feel, and what they want is valid.
You heard us bump against the difference between bis*xuality and pans*xuality. While some link bis*xuality to the gender binary (and by association, transphobia), the bis*xual community has been fighting this stereotype for decades. We encourage people to check out the Bis*xual Manifesto (https://bialogue-group.tumblr.com/post/17532147836/atm1990-bis*xualmanifesto) from the 1990s for some resistance and the Bis*xual Resource Center (https://biresource.org/) for more info. It’s important to acknowledge that even within the q***r community, some identities get put down or misunderstood.
US culture treats heteros*xuality and the gender binary as normal. It also presumes all people are s*xual and interested in romantic partnerships. While straight cis binary people interested in s*xual and romantic relationships may be most common, that doesn’t make them more right or valid than people with other identities, interests, or experiences. This is called heteronormativity and it is rooted in oppressive power structures.
Heteronormativity has caused a lot of harm, isolation, and erasure among q***r people. Members of the LGBTQIA2S+ community and s*xuality scholars continue to create more nuanced labels that disrupt this limited view of s*xuality, reflect the beauty of human s*xual variation, and support people self-defining and finding community.
To learn more about some of the labels that came up in the episode and others, we recommend checking out the INQUEERY series by them. https://www.them.us/video/series/inq***ry In the age of youtube and TikTok, there are lots of videos out there on any number of identities and labels. Seek information from multiple people who are members of the community and be cautious of anyone who says there is only one way to “do” or embody the label. If someone is peddling shame, don’t buy it! Just like there’s many ways to be a woman, there’s many ways to be q***r!
*Lauren and Kris use q***r as an all encompassing term for the LGBTQIA2S+ community. This term doesn’t feel right for everyone, but it feels right to them.
Also, Kris references her Science on Tap talk about online dating profiles. Check it out. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u4nlCTVQVK8&t
Bonus Discovery!
Upon further reflection, we have come to the conclusion that the mysterious “CMN” discussed in this episode, alas, does not refer to the Canadian Media Network, but quite possibly was a typo for “CNM” which we believe was meant to stand for “consensual non-monogamy.” This is similar to the term “ethical non-monogamy” (see more in “The Ethical Slut” by Hardy and Easton). Since we believe everything in dating and hooking up should be consensual, and we prefer the term “ethical non-monogamy” and will discuss more, Stay tuned!
Even during times of social distancing, the desire to meet and connect with new potential partners can be strong. Since in-person activities to meet new peop...
