My ADHD Mind

26/12/2020

21/12/2020

This was one of the most raw and hardest Reflections I ever wrote. It was a year ago this weekend. When I wrote this I did it with tears in my eyes. I just reread it and tears were there again. I am not In the same place but a similar very one. So this message is still strong especially in 2020.

Am I ok

Originally Posted 12/18/2019

Wednesday Reflection…

First of all, I want to apologize. I have been inconsistent with writing these lately. To be honest there has been a lot going on. There has been a lot on my mind. Thoughts trapped with no way out. Thoughts that consume me, so that I am wrapped in a blanket on my couch trying to find the motivation to get up, trying to find the motivation to do simple tasks like clean or even do the laundry. A lot of people have been asking me the same question and that is what this Wednesday Reflection is about. This weeks topic is “Am I ok?”. Now I want to warn you first and foremost this Reflection will be different. I do not have a centralized topic. I do not know if this Reflection has a defined vision. What I will tell you is this will be me. This will be me getting these thoughts out and trying to help with the negative thoughts and self-doubt I have been experiencing. I want to say explicitly that this Reflection has nothing to do with a single person or event. This Reflection is more of a straw and camel type of situation.

Am I ok? The answer is NO. I am not ok. I am not even close to ok. I do not know if I know what “ok” looks like. Currently, I am staring at my life through this looking glass that I seem to be on the other side of. I’m feeling like Alice at times where up is down, left is right, all the time wondering if the “eat me” and “drink me” labels I am metaphorically seeing will help me get back to the other side, will help me get back to me, get me back to the person that trusts his own judgement or opinions… get me back to the person that is motivated to get up and seize the day. Will this writing help? Will this free me from the captivity of negativity I have currently decided to take up residence in? The self-doubt I am currently experiencing is at a level that I do not know if I have experienced before. Anyone that has had these feelings before and made your way through it, I commend you. I admire you. I am currently striving to be like you. You are my model, my blueprint, my roadmap to the other side of this. Know that I am taking notes and trying to copy your success pattern.

So am I ok? NO. The Holidays FU***NG suck. I am in a town, a state, where I have no family here. I am in a mental state where that fact is crippling me. The mother that raised me passed away in 2008. Since that day the holidays have been horrible for me. Compound that with the deaths around this time from the 5 year anniversary of CMFD right after Thanksgiving, to the Birthday this past week of my late sister Michelle who left us too soon, to the fact I do not have the financial ability to go home for the holidays to see the family I have, to the fact I have to wake up early Christmas morning and drive Logan to his mother. I’ll just say it bluntly CHRISTMAS is going to suck. So once again the Holidays FU***NG suck. The happiest time of the year. Happy my hindquarters. I know I am not the only one out there who suffers with this. I know others have it worse. I have been told that recently by people. “Your life isn’t that bad. Other people have problems too. Everyone is going through stuff”. I know lines like that are supposed to make me feel better. I know those people are trying to be friends. Though lets be honest here. Saying I shouldn’t be sad because someone has it worse is like saying I shouldn’t be happy because someone has it better. That makes no sense to me.

So am I ok? Still NO. So some of you may know, some of you may not - so I will say it again for context. The Monday before Thanksgiving I lost my job. So at this moment in time I am without income, without stability, without a means to provide. What people do not know though, is before I started my last job I was hacked. I was cleaned out. All my savings, everything I had saved was taken. There was no way to get it back. I was devastated. I was crushed. I was metaphorically stripped down naked. For you gamers: I lost all my XP and started at the tutorial. Then I had two job offers arise. One was to be the Director of a non profit up in my home town in Oregon, the other was to take a job down here working for a law firm. I ultimately chose the job down here, because at this moment in my life I figured that would be the position I could have put the most good back into the world. I thrived at this position. I was good at this company. I have definitely found the field I want to be in. That though is no longer an option. I am looking for work. I am trying other avenues. Though lets be honest the jobs that pay what I am worth are not going to hire until after the first of the year because they do not want red on the books in Q4. So I am optimistic for 2020. Though that brings me stress. I have no savings and credit cards are almost maxed. I still have to worry about Rent, Bills, for Christ sake I haven’t even bought my son Christmas gifts yet - not a one. We are, what 7 days away, since I will only have him for Christmas Eve. This weighs hard on me. This crushes me. This makes me doubt whether I am the best choice for my son. His best chance to succeed and do great. The thought of not being enough for him devastates me.

So am I ok? Hell No. My son’s mother and I split up March of this year. I thought it was one of the strongest days of my life. The fact after 7 years of being told I wasn’t good enough. To be made to feel what I provided and scrapped for wasn’t enough. I left that. I got the courage, the strength, the balls to say “enough is enough” and finally stand up for myself. Those thoughts of self-doubt and worthlessness still haunt me at times. They are still there, still in the back of my mind, like a drunk little companion constantly putting me down and making me question my every move and judgement. There is nothing worse in your life, in my opinion, than self-doubt. To constantly question, “was that the right move?” or “was that ok?”, to constantly seek validation from external sources. For that reason, I know that I project. I know that I seek gratification and acceptance from others, whether it be partners, friendships or work. I am not going to lie. I need attaboys. I need ‘you did a good job’. I need to know that my efforts and who I am, to be told ‘you are doing great’. How sad is that though? A “man” looking 16 days away from turning 37 needs to be told “you did good”. That itself hurts, to seek this constant need for approval. Then the moment I do not get it, I feel hurt and sad. The moment I lost my job I became so clingy to anyone or anything to a point that I pushed people away; for that you have no idea how sorry I am. Being so needy, how pathetic is that?

So am I ok? F**k no. Do any of you know what it is like to see every flaw you have? To be able to point them out, see them, know what it takes to fix them, but not have the ability and or the strength to do it? Knowing what will make it better but yet be too weak of will, or character, to do the simple steps. I am sure some of you do know. I have always been a person to help, to lend a hand, to be the first to volunteer to step up. Let’s be honest though. The reason I am this way is simple. Validation. I need to do good to feel like I matter. On a side note: I recently offered to help a friend - a true friend, someone who has been there for me without question, without a second thought, without hesitation. In the end, I let him down. For that I am sorry. I do not think he truly understands how much letting him down crushes me. Situations like this one, and other situations, make me question my own judgement… makes me reevaluate other decisions in my life. If I can be so wrong about some things, how do I know whether or not I am so wrong about others? If I am questioning my own judgment, how do I know that any decision made in the past week, month, year - no matter how confident I was - was not made with flawed logic? Like I have stated, self-doubt is the biggest enemy that most of us have. At least I know it is the biggest enemy I have. What have I missed out on? What have I destroyed? What was I so confident about before, that I am not so sure about now?

So am I ok? No, Nope, Negative. Will I be ok though? I hope so. I hope this is a fleeting feeling. I hope these are fleeting doubts. I know my issues, whether they be abandonment issues from my birth mother, whether it be me not being confident in who I choose for partners. (After reflecting on 20 years of dating, I now realized I have a type by the way.) Whether it be my constant questioning if I am making the right decision, for my son, in my friends, who I choose to bring into my life. Whether these feelings just derive from loneliness stemming from being without my family. Whether it just be from sorrow with all the death and loss I am feeling this time of year. I hope I will be ok …I am sure I will eventually be ok. But I cannot ignore this pain. I have to feel it. I have to come to terms with it. I need to stop running from it. I need to embrace it and learn from it. If I do not, I am bound to repeat it and feel this pain like a “Groundhogs day” loop over and over again every year or when things do not go right. No one can live like this. It is crushing. It is hurt. It is pain. Like I previously stated, I know that I am not the only one going through this. I am not arrogant enough to think my pain is greater than others. I just felt the need to let you know. To let someone know. To let all know.

I am not ok! Nowhere close to it. Am I hopeful? Yes. I want to state, I did not write this for pity, sympathy or attention. I wrote this because I am struggling. I am having a hard time seeing my worth and value. With that being said, I am not the only one, especially this time of year. Check on your friends, your single parent friends the most. It is hard we are filled with self-doubt and uncertainty. Some of us are unsure if it really matters, if we are good enough; if we are providing the best life for our children. We all fall on hard times. It takes a village. Not just to help raise the children but also to support the parents, to make them feel like they are enough. I wrote this because maybe someone out there needs to hear it also. I wrote this to let others know they are not alone. I wrote this, because I needed to. These thoughts of doubt are still crippling me. These thoughts I am still fighting against. I question my judgement. I question my ability to judge. I have to reflect on that and make decisions moving forward. Like I said I did not write this for any one person or situation. The straws got too heavy and the camel’s back was going to break. Hopefully this will alleviate some of the strain. I do not know - only time will tell.

Thank you for taking the time and reading this. In summation I want to say, it is ok; to not be ok. It is ok to hurt, to cry, to be sad. It is NOT ok to suffer in silence. Reach out to someone. I was at a point a few days ago I was returning peoples possessions that had been left at my house, even gifts left for me. Ornaments on my tree that I cherished. I did not feel I was worthy of stuff. I did not feel that I deserved stuff. I felt no worth. I am not saying it gets better overnight. I am saying it takes time. I am saying you are not alone. I am saying even though I do not feel like it now and maybe you don’t also, there is someone out there who cares. Find that person, those people, that can show you they care. Show you with out fear, doubt and hesitation. Hold onto them. They are the ones who truly matter. YOU truly matter. So once again I AM NOT OK. That is ok. I am striving to be ok, you will be ok. It may not seem like it now, but WE will be ok. I will make this post public so anyone can read or share. I also will take all comments or questions. Merry Christmas in case I do not write next week. If you want to make sure I keep writing, please hold me accountable. Sometimes we all need accountability.

28/11/2020

Wow never knew some of these. Great article to check out.

Mood swings. Sleeplessness. Oppositional behavior. If you or your child exhibits these ADHD symptoms, you may rightfully get a diagnosis of attention deficit hyperactivity disorder. Or you may have another condition altogether. How to tell if your doctor got your evaluation right.

22/11/2020

***Must read if you love or ever loved someone with ADHD***

As someone that has struggled with relationships all my life and someone that just had a relationship I valued end. This post hits home.

Doing research more on ADHD I found out that I am not the only one with ADHD who has problems in relationships. If you have ADHD or have loved someone with ADHD this is a must read article. Sometimes it is not our fault. That is not an excuse, it is just our brains are wired differently.

Sometimes I don’t have the words to express what my mind is doing, so these are crowd sourced responses. Hopefully it helps those who love or have loved someone with ADHD understand a little bit more. It’s not just you, it’s not just them.

This was originally posted on ADDitude Mag website.

“How Well Do You Know Me?” What We Wish Our Partners Understood About ADHD

BY ADHD EDITORIAL BOARD

ADDitude recently asked our readers: What do you want your non-ADHD partner or spouse to know about you? No matter how well-meaning, our partners sometimes struggle to understand something they have never personally lived. But surely they can see the sincerity and true need in the quotes below.

1. “No one notices my pain, my shame, how hard I try, or that I walk on eggshells every day trying to please others. But everyone notices my mistakes. I need you to be an encourager, not a critic.” — Annie B., Wisconsin

2. “Whatever I do that annoys you, know that I’m not doing it on purpose. Try to help me in a non-condescending, patient way — and let me sleep, when I need to!”— An ADDitude Reader

3. “I do have feelings. I do appreciate things. I just process things differently and at different times.” — Tiffany B., Alaska

4. “I might be impulsive or moody at times, but my desire is to be loving and forgiving all the time. You are the most important person in my life and always will be.”— An ADDitude Reader

5. “I always do my best, I try to make the right decisions, and I want to finish what I start. But sometimes I fail because of my attention deficit disorder (ADHD or ADD). What I have accomplished in life has been accomplished with much effort.” — Randy Davenport, Utah

6. “I wish he knew how ‘loud’ it is in my head most of the time. I’m generally thinking about three different things at one time, so I don’t mean to forget things – it’s just really hard to remember when my mind is so busy.” — Amelia, Florida

7. “Be patient with me. I’m doing the very best that I can. As frustrated as you are with me, I am more frustrated with myself.” — An ADDitude Reader

8. “Getting out the door, on time, is my biggest struggle. I procrastinate by doing ‘just one more thing.’ Then the anxiety kicks in as I’m rushing to make sure I have everything. You are the biggest help, though, when you load up the car, fill our water bottles, and help with the little details that I get anxious about.” — Liz, Michigan

9. “It’s difficult for me to change tracks all of a sudden. I know spontaneously going out to lunch, or going out for a drive or a walk, can be really fun. But I usually have my day planned out in my head and on paper. So when he wants to go out spontaneously, it’s hard for me.” — Carol Geibe, Pennsylvania

10. “How hard it is to be me! I’d like him to know how difficult it is for me to be around big groups of people.” — Christine, Idaho

11. “All those annoying things I do that drive you crazy? They drive me even more crazy. I wish with all my heart that I could make them stop.” — Anita

12. “It’s not as easy as saying, ‘I am going to do this every day.’ I need patient, loving reminders. Don’t put me down.” — Mary, Michigan

13. “I don’t deliberately forget to do things or act the way I do because I don’t care. I thought everyone was like me. Meds help, but they don’t solve my problems.” — an ADDitude Reader

14. “I suffer from guilt and self-loathing all the time. I need my partner to be patient with me, and take my goofy moments with humor. I need to be regularly reminded that I am accepted, no matter how scatterbrained I am.“ — Zsofia, Hungary

15. “I want him to know that what goes on in my head and what I do on the outside can be completely different. Also, I have worked years to build coping skills that he can destroy with a single word sometimes. Finally, I don’t always mean to pick fights about petty things; it’s just that I need things to be a certain way for me to function.” — Sara, Texas

16. “I deeply appreciate all that you do to support me and mitigate the impact that ADHD has on my life. I don’t know how you find the patience to put up with me when I frequently drive myself nuts. But I’m thankful that you do.” — Sally Aleck, Washington

20/11/2020

An ADHD Mind: Review of November 2020

November 2020 oh what a month you have been. Maybe I’ll call this one Friday Hindsight.
Anyone that is on my personal page knows 2 weeks ago I got out of a relationship. I don’t want to go to much more into detail then that. The reason though I bring it up is because since I have found my Path back to God I have seen more the of reasons behind things. Or at least I think I have. When what I think is “bad stuff” happens instead of seeing the negative in it, I try to see the positive in the situation.

So for the first week or so, I am not going to lie I couldn’t find the “reason”. I prayed on it and wondered often. When I am facing surgery, looking for transitional home before I get my 5 bedroom House in February, having to find after care for when I have the surgery, what could this positive reason be? Well I think I have found it. Granted I may be wrong though this is what my mind is considering currently.

The reason I think this happen is so I can look at me. Research me. My actions, my responses, my alignments. What I mean by that is I have doing research about my ADHD. Going to a therapist. Consulting with my DR. Also have seen a psychologist. The information has come leaps and bounds since I last did some research on ADHD. With the help of therapy and psychology, they think I may have RSD along with my ADHD. Now I am not using my diagnose as excuse. Quite the opposite. What I am seeing is that sometimes it is me. I spoke with my primary Dr. today and am starting a medication to go along with my ADHD medication. Best part about it is not only will this help with my RSD symptoms it will also help with my Tourette’s symptoms and smoking sensation. Me and my now Ex decided when I am recovering from surgery it would be a great time to quit va**ng. I plan to stick to that plan.

My surgery. It was supposed to be the 19th or 1 day ago. That got pushed out till the 30th. I was thinking why was this happening. Today I had the epiphany that maybe it got postponed so I could get this new medication. Just think if I would of had this surgery on Thursday the 19th I wouldn’t of had my Drs appointment today. If I would have had surgery on the 19th then my appointment with my Therapist on Wednesday would of focused on the surgery instead of my personal struggles regulating emotions. Like I said making positive connections.

Since two weeks ago, I have gone too church twice a week. Was baptized last Saturday. I’m not saying those wouldn’t have happened if I was in the relationship, what I am saying is after the breakup I had more time to focus on me and what I needed. Yes the relationship brought me back to God though the break up gave me the ability to focus on him. Lord works in mysterious ways. Some may not choose to believe my walk with God is genuine or there is an ulterior motive. To them I have nothing to say. There judgment or opinions do not matter to me currently. Only one can judge me.

So to recap, looking at the positive side. Does the relationship ending suck in my opinion? Yes. To be honest she was the first person I truly loved that wasn’t my family or child. The positives though, I learned more about me! I’m getting therapy and medication I need for me. I’ve been working out to get fit for surgery so recovery is easier. Down to 185 and a healthy BMI of 24.5. I been spending every night with my son. I’ve been eating healthier. Haven’t drank since October 10th. Looking at corrective back surgery on the 30th. I have also found out that I have people that truly care for me and are my friends. I appreciate everyone that has reached out. I also appreciate every that is supporting and encouraging me. Also the people that have helped in my housing and after care for Logan and I, I’m forever in your debt. Most of all though I have been baptized and my walk in faith is stronger then it has ever been and only growing.

So in the future way down the road when I am ready to share me with someone else, I will actually love me. I am working on me Mind, Body, and Soul. It is an incredible feeling. When I first was doing the surgery I was scared. I was terrified to be with just my mind and I. Though with all the self improvement I am striving for, I am not afraid. I am looking forward to getting to know me better. The me I want to be. The me I love. The me that God foresaw for me!

So November and for that much all of 2020 I say Thank You. Granted this is not how I thought the year would unfold. Though I don’t know if I would change a thing. Everything had to happen to get me where I am right now. I like the outlook I have currently. There is more that I cannot really talk about right now, but I will say this. 2021 is shaping up to be a great year for me and mines. I am looking into 2021 with optimism and excitement, and feeling blessed for 2020. Little over a month left in 2020 and wondering what other blessings are left to come. Hope everyone is having a great week and an incredible Friday!

19/11/2020

So I recently heard “when you are going through a storm become a student. There is lessons in the storm”. This stuck with me because I am going through a big storm in my life right now from multiple different fronts. So I decided to become a student of me. I wanted to learn more about me and the stuff I am diagnosed with. I figured for me to move forward and be better in life I should learn more about me. Hence all these posts lately.

Maybe some of you out there are afflicted with the same stuff, maybe some of you just want to learn about me. Maybe you have a friend or family memeber you want to learn more about. Who knows. Maybe I am just posting them for me. Not my plan it’s Gods but I am going to post none the less.

This next piece was written by June Sily and was originally published on the web site ADDitude Mag. A can relate to a lot of this stuff. Can you? Do you see some of this in your loved ones? Hopefully this article helps at least one other with understanding the way it did me.

EMOTIONS & SHAME

“I’m Waging a Civil War Inside My Brain”
BY JUNE SILNY

1. ADHD Is Real

If you have an ADHD brain, you know ADHD is real. Too real. Inescapable and undeniable, in fact. But to anyone standing outside our brains, ADHD is a confusing, contradictory concept.

My loved ones scratch their heads, trying to reconcile my intelligence with my sometimes careless, spaced-out behavior. How can such a smart person make such foolish choices? “If you wanted to, you could do it,” they say. When I insist that I can’t, the response is something like, “Don’t say you ‘can’t.’ That’s nonsense. You’re just making excuses for something you don’t want to do.”

2. ADHD Is a Paradox

Most ADHD traits reflect two extremes on a single continuum. For example, it’s impossible for me to focus on something boring or tedious, but I can zone in and lose half a day doing something I love. When I fall into this hyperfocus, I don’t hear phones ringing, I don’t feel hunger pangs, and I don’t make trips to the restroom. My sparked brain is excited and in love with the joy of being in the moment. In a split second, I can jump from restless distraction to extreme hyperfocus. ADHD is a condition of contradictions.

3. ADHD Is a Brain Phenomenon

My ADHD brain patterns are difficult even for me to fathom at times. And by “at times,” I mean practically constantly.

I am bombarded daily by self-doubt and self-criticism, despite the fact that I know my behavior is not willful. In ADHD brains, neurotransmitters are sluggish in the areas that control attention, which seems odd because our active minds are constantly in gear. This chemical imbalance confounds researchers, who suspect it’s largely genetic. But since there is no way to prove ADHD beyond a behavior checklist and a handful of rating scales, it is even harder to believe.

If you love someone with ADHD, you will recognize the differences in their brain chemistry. Managing simple tasks is rarely easy for us, and those who love us know we’re not faking our struggle.

4. Every Day Is a Struggle

Most people cannot fathom the number and complexity of daily challenges we fight our way through. The simplest tasks become overwhelming burdens. A bill payment, phone call, or errand can suck out all of our energy.

I am a capable person who functions well in many areas of life, so why in the world can’t I pay a bill on time? The answer is rarely hiding in the task itself, but rather in a specific component that triggers a warning light in my ADHD brain telling me to beware of something uncomfortable. That painful encounter might be a decision that I cannot make, a deadline that I cannot foresee, detailed instructions that I won’t understand, or something so boring that I just can’t bear it.

5. Self-Doubt Is an ADHD By-Product

Most people could not tolerate the voices that echo in my head all day, pointing out every little thing I've done wrong: Why did I say that? How could I forget to pay the bills? Why didn’t I wake up on time? What is the matter with me? I’m dumb. How could I be so forgetful? Why can’t I say no? How could I forget to buy eggs when I’m holding the shopping list in my hand?

This relentless barrage of self-reproach make us feel unworthy, incapable, and inadequate. We are our own harshest critics.

6. We Are Trying Harder Than You Can Imagine

ADHD is largely invisible. We try very hard, but no one can see our internal struggle or effort. All we’re asking for is a little compassion, patience, and non-judgmental love. That means no rolling eyes, no dirty looks, and no scolding us when we’re a few minutes late or can’t find our keys. If you can do that, we will try harder. We will figure out how to get through our rough spots if you promise to stand by our side, support us, cheer us on, and wait for us at the finish line. That’s when we do our best.

7. Tough Love Doesn't Work

This truth may be the hardest for neurotypical spouses, parents, and bosses to accept. ADHD is biologically woven into our DNA. It never goes away (though it can be managed). Telling us to suck it up and try harder is like telling a visually impaired person to see harder. You can’t see what he sees; you trust him when he tells you the world is a blur, and you let his glasses do their job. It’s the same with ADHD. Trust us that we would fix our symptoms if we could.

8. We Don't Process Thoughts Like You Do

ADHD thoughts are like Gorilla Glue — quick to stick and impossible to oust. They rhythmically cycle through our minds like a scratched, broken record. Or they shoot like stones from a cannon, bombarding us until we crash or surrender from overwhelm. Our thoughts are loud. They steal our attention away from jobs and conversations, which makes us seem disinterested or rude. Our attention might briefly drift away, but please be patient. Give us a gentle tap on the shoulder or time to separate our thoughts from your voice, and we will be present again.

9. We Feel Everything Stronger, Louder, More

Whether anger, worry, or betrayal, our emotions are never mild. We feel intensely. Add to that our ADHD impulsivity, and you might understand the explosions of emotion that show up in a flash. Some experts call this “flooding.” With passionate urgency, words come flying out of our mouths before we can process what it is we want to say. We say words we soon regret, frequently apologizing and requesting forgiveness.

10. Time Feels Like a Foreign Language

People with ADHD live in the here and now. Future dates and times don’t compute (another reason tough love and consequences don’t work). All that matters is this moment — right here, right now. When thinking of a future date (unless it is something we are hyper-stimulated about, like a wedding), time is not a language we speak. As Dr. Ned Hallowell explains, “We have two times: now and not now.” The future disappears.

11. ADHD Is Not an Excuse

“I forgot.” “I’m trying my hardest.” “I’m sorry.” These may sound like excuses or escape routes; they are not. “I messed up because of my ADHD” is not a popular explanation. But, it’s true. ADHD is why we do what we do. This is hard to explain — in part because it doesn’t even make sense to us. ADHD isn’t real, unless you are the one who has it. It’s frustrating to have a disorder no one believes. One thing is irrefutable: ADHD is illogical.