15/07/2022
GOD UPDATES MANKIND ON THEIR PRONOUNS
by KATHLEEN O’MARA and JAY MALSKY
A light shone down from Heaven and the Lord spoke unto the people:
“I am the Lord your God. It is time that you start using my correct pronouns. Which are They/Them. Capitalized.”
The people were distraught and cried out, “My Lord, My God! … What?”
And God frowned, for They knew this was going to be a whole thing.
“They/Them. Those are my pronouns. I am non-binary. After six million years, I think you are capable of understanding the gender non-binary.”
Dumbfounded, the people replied, “But God, surely there are only two genders? Also what was that about six million years?”
The non-cis-people quietly saw themselves out as God continued, “Ugh.” They explained:
“Simply put, I, The Almighty, can not be contained to male or female, like many of my non-cis children. Also, six million years is not up for debate. What about my divine visitations screamed a specific gender to you? What exactly about a burning bush is inherently male or female? Then, you go and use the masculine? I love all my children equally, but even I can admit that with cis men, mistakes were made.”
The people began to understand. “Oh, yes… sometimes people and divine beings are neither male, nor female, or both, or trans?” said God’s children. And the Lord sighed, relieved. They took a large sip of wine because educating Their children was truly exhausting.
When the Lord started to finally wrap up and return to heaven, the children spoke up, yet again.
“Sure, God, but if we may follow up?”
“No, it’s not up for debate.”
The people pouted because they really wanted to make this about them. They followed up anyway:
“God, if we use They/Them, people might think you are more than one god.’”
And God said, “While I appreciate you not wanting to have other Gods before me, I know you’re smart enough to know that ‘they’ can be used as singular or plural.”
The people, befuddled, said, “We do, but surely not when just referring to one person?”
“Well, sometimes you use ‘they’ to refer to a group of people, but you can also use it when you’re talking generally about a person whose gender you might not be sure of, like “I don’t care who my children marry as long as they are not a tax collector or a Roman.”
The people nodded, slowly, for they did hate Romans and tax collectors.
And God’s children rejoiced because they were finally capable of understanding the full spectrum of gender. God smiled, for They loved all Their children. They even saw them as allies and felt comfortable adding one more point:
“I am non-binary, and my preferred pronouns are They/Them, capitalized, but I will also answer to She. Still capitalized.”
The people cried out in anguish.
“Lord, we were just getting it! What does this mean? Are you actually a woman?”
“What? No!”
God began to get angry at the people’s bu****it.
“I am non-binary. Have you not been listening to a Me-damn thing I’ve been saying?”
In the crowd, one of God’s gay children whispered, “Oh, She about to pop off!”
And She did indeed pop off.
“No! No! No! I’m non-binary. That’s it! I will not be sassed in the universe I created!”
The people pressed on, “Some languages use ‘he’ as a gender-neutral catch-all. That seems easier. Can we do that?”
Upon hearing that, God smote all Their children.
An age passed and God began to feel a little weird about the whole thing and They missed the attention and Their children’s prayers.
God said to Themselves, “I may have reacted with too much male energy. This did go better than it did with the dinosaurs six million years ago.”
And so God decided to bring back Their children.
All except for the cis men. And it was good.
