Overrated Portland

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Overrated Portland

99% of everything in Portland is overrated and overpriced. We'll help let you know when it's better

We'll help let you know when it's better to just save your money and stay home.

13/04/2013

https://www.facebook.com/pages/Portland-Waterfront/202005003161016?fref=ts

Our very first attraction in Portland that ISN'T overrated, Portland Waterfront is both free and pretty nice. It does host overrated and overpriced events, but it also hosts some pretty cool free events like fireworks, concerts, dragon boat races, and more. It's right by the river, where som**hing interesting is always going on, it's very pretty even with all the half dead grass, dog s**t, and bums, and if there's someone annoying you, you can always find a quiet spot somewhere else along the water.

Do*****ag scale: 1/10

Recommended: Check it out!

12/04/2013

Ground Kontrol Classic Arcade

It's a bar, it's an arcade: it's a barcade! Wow, how unique and groundbreaking. If I want to get drunk and play video games I'll do it at home on a nice console and TV combo where the controls aren't sticky and half broken. The only reason this place gets any attention is because it's the only one in town (other than its semi-competitor Shoryuken League, which is less about cabinet games and more about the hook up a game to your TV experience), and wanna-be nerd hipsters think it's trendy to like old school video games when their first console was the Xbox 360 or the Wii.

Ok, they do have cool glowing tables, I'll give them that. But give me 100 bucks at the Home Depot and I'll have a cool table too. The staircase also features some nifty neon glow on the edges, which is good because it's dark enough and people are drunk enough that it's a lawsuit waiting to happen.

For some reason they have a DJ, as if it's not loud enough with 100 video games blaring. For some other reason, the DJ plays god awful music that does more to drive patrons out than encourage people to come back. The food is pretentious (vegan BLT anyone?) and overpriced. The beer is Pabst, the nectar of the hipsters, but it's cheap, so can't really complain there.

The worst part of this place is actually the games. You would think that video game enthusiasts would know som**hing about the games they have, but they're placed in such a ridiculous manner that you'd think a 70 year old woman ran the place. Cram a Dance Dance Revolution into a dark corner and offset the pad by 6 inches? Why not? Put a 4 player game right by the door so player #4 is constantly getting hit by people coming in? Hey, sure! Leave 2 feet of aisle space between fighting games that draw spectators? Oh hell yes!

Do*****ag scale: 10/10

Recommended alternatives: Stay home, buy some good beer and delicious not-vegan food, and play old school video games where there's actually room for all of your friends.

11/04/2013

TriMet

TriMet likes to boast that it's the number one transit in the nation (which is grossly inaccurate: http://blog.oregonlive.com/commuting/2011/05/trimets_1_transit_ads_truth-sq.html), but anyone who has to ride the bus for anything other than a leisurely tour around the city with no timetable knows that it's a disaster.

It's FIVE DOLLARS for a day pass, which you will more than likely need instead of the 2.50 transfer that is only good for 2 hours, which, if you ride frequently, will realize is barely enough time to get to your destination, let alone go home. This is if you can buy a ticket in the first place, as most of the ticket machines are out of order 11 months out of the year. And don't get caught without a ticket: the fine is 175 dollars no matter what your excuse is. (When machines are broken, TriMet actually expects you to get on the Max, get off at the next stop, buy a ticket there, and then get back on. Good luck with that, because that one will be broken too, and the Max will leave without you as you frantically run from one broken machine to the next.)

It really doesn't matter, because you can WALK faster than most TriMet options, especially the streetcar, which is generally packed like a sardine tin anyway. No matter where you're going, you'll either get there an hour early or an hour late. Buses are frequently filled with puke, p**s, fights, people having medical issues, dogs, and all manner of trashy things. (Check out https://twitter.com/trimetscanner for a taste of some of the things that occur on a daily basis).

Do*****ag scale: varies from -5/10 when it's full of tweakers to 7/10 when it's full of touristy asses who think the bus is fun because they ride it once every 10 years and got a free pass from whatever convention they're attending.

Recommended alternatives: Get a car. Sell a kidney, a lung, a baby, anything, just get a car. If this is just not possible, get an mp3 player, pepper spray, and some sort of rain poncho.

10/04/2013

Pioneer Courthouse Square

It's also called "Portland's Living Room," presumably because it's where all the freeloaders and losers come to sit around for a hard day of being unemployed. Supposedly it's ranked 4th best in the world's public squares, though we can't seem to figure out why this place is even considered an attraction. Lots of overpriced and overrated events happen here, many of which will make their way to Overrated Portland. The rest of the time it's just one more place for homeless to congregate.

Do*****ag scale: varies

Recommended: Go when it's full of hobos, religious nuts, bird s**t, stinking ethnic food, screaming children, and police arresting m**h heads and see how great you think it is.

09/04/2013

Oregon Museum of Science and Industry (OMSI)

Everything is sticky. 99% of the time it will be overcrowded with loud school groups or otherwise unattended children. Your basic admission gets you access to rickety old exhibits that have been around since at least the 80s, but everything else, including potentially good stuff like the recent MythBusters exhibit, costs you extra. IMAX is extra. The submarine tour is extra. Food is definitely extra. All of which doesn't matter because it's so crowded that you can't really see or experience anything anyway.

Do*****ag scale: 3/10

Recommended alternatives: Read a book, watch an educational show, or take the kids to a park. If you have to go, don't bother with all of the extras, because the basic admission is barely worth it on its own.

08/04/2013

Powell's Books, Inc.

It's a giant bookstore full of overpriced books and insufferable hipsters. Points for being HUGE, but minus those same points for the clientele. The aisles are clogged with hipsters, homeless, and teenagers, who all seem to have the place confused with a library. Do***ey, overpriced claptrap like haiku magnetic poetry and Madeline Albright action figures sits on every endcap. The coffee shop is full of people with typewriters and their cats. Outside is a gauntlet of Portland's signature dreadlocks-and-dogs beggars.

Keep Portland weird, man.

Do*****ag scale: 8/10

Recommended alternatives: There's this thing called the internet. You should really check it out.

07/04/2013

Portland Aerial Tram

You pay $4 for a 5 minute ride up and down a hill in a tiny tram cab. The view IS nice, but it's nothing you can't find on a postcard or the internet. Tram smells like bologna sandwiches and farts, and half the people on there are either doctors or visiting their dying relatives, so you feel like an ass for being excited and looking at the view while they sneer at you for still getting enjoyment out of things in your life.

Do*****ag scale: 4/10.

Recommended: Do it once so you can say you did it, then shut up about it.

07/04/2013

Rogue Ales Pearl District

Have to wade through a gauntlet of hipsters and their hipster dogs to even get in the door. Ridiculously overpriced beer. So do***ey that the bathrooms are divided into Barley for the women and Hops for the men. There's ice in the urinals. Atmosphere isn't that great. Staff seems disgruntled.

Do*****ag scale: 8/10

Recommended alternatives: Buy a 24 pack/bottle of som**hing decent and have a party at home for less cash and better ambiance.

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