Mallacoota Fake News

16/01/2022

TONGAN TSUNAMI DESTROYS BETKA SEA WALL

The Tongan derived Tsunami currently hampering the East Coast of Australia has dealt another blow to the Bushfire/COVID/LaNina ravished township of Mallacoota by destroying one of the towns two ‘ugliest ever’ sea walls.

The Betka Beach concrete groin replaced the original timber sea wall, constructed by Portuguese sailors in 1765 out of Mallacoota Gum Timber, was destroyed by the 2019/2020 bushfires. The new groin er****on was completed just prior to Xmas, but is now nothing but a pile of rubble.

“It appears that the wall, built to no aesthetical standards at all, took the full brunt of the 1.5m salt water surge!” said a Mallacoota spokesman from the ‘Walls are Ugly foundation’ Mr. Fifty Shades-Of “The pile of rubble is certainly a lot prettier than the wall was – it was Ugleeeeeeee”
“We can only pray for an even bigger Tsunami’ continued Fifty ‘To take out the eyesore at Bastion Point’

A representative from ‘Walls and Roads ‘r’ us’ was contacted for comment but it seems that this particular individual was last seen knee deep in a tar pot hole on the Mallacoota-Genoa Road months ago and has not yet been retrieved.

Locals and visitors alike are enjoying the new ‘speed bump’ and ‘artificial reef’ alike.

26/07/2020

MASSIVE FISH KILL STENCH AT BETKA BEACH ATTRACTS EXTINCT SCAVENGERS

A massive unprecedented, highly predictable fish kill following the opening of the Betka River at Betka Beach on Betka Road, Mallacoota, has attracted an unlikely scavenger. Unlike the ‘Howe Range Black Panther’ the ‘Shady Gully Monster’ and that wild ‘is-that-a-real-wild-Dingo-in-Mallacoota’ trail cam footage recently posted on FB, this Snapper savaging Spinosaurus has remained elusive … until now.
A gathering of picnickers picnicking but adhering to COVID regulations while socially distancing in self-isolation at the Betka Beach, witnessed the unlikely character mauling the odd Mullet and binging on Bream.
‘Nobody would believe us unless we filmed it. Posted it. Shared it. Liked it and then commented on it’ said Chris Cretaceous who was one of the 125 or so picnickers at the scene, who admits he might not have actually been there if he was breaking any laws or the likes.
‘The scene at the river mouth was quite aesthetically pleasing, however the stench of 1000’s of bloated Bream, floating flathead and decomposing Blunt-nosed-Daggertooth-stickleback-scaleyfin-Blue-Bottomed Bass, played havoc with our nostrils, and sure burlied up the river’ said keen picnicker Debbie Decomposing-Doorab Wolf Herring, who might not have been there also.
The Spinosaurus was seen gorging on decomposing fish for over an hour when it spied a small child boggie boarding in the surf … needless to say this meal was a classic case of ‘your eyes are bigger than your belly’ and after swallowing the small mammal it exploded with over indulgence and added to the burley trail in the Betka.

26/07/2020

25/05/2020

LOST BALLS RESULTS IN EXTENSIVE POST BUSHFIRE CLEARING AT MALLACOOTA GOLF COURSE
An extensive vegetation removal search technique for lost balls has been carried out on the Mallacoota Golf course post bushfire.
Club president Farley Fairway-Putt Putt has expressed his satisfaction with ‘Operation IT-Chi Balls’ AND is quick to clarify that ‘IT-Chi’ is a golfing term for ‘dropped’ or ‘lost’
‘We recovered a total of two … or was it three, yes three balls. One of them belonged to Famous American golfer Leopard Log-Woods (no relation) The ball is obviously not in the best condition, it’s a little worse for wear and is very singed. This particular ball will be displayed in the bar at the Golf Club rooms and a fee of $4500 will be charged for people wishing to view it. ‘A small viewing fee will help recoup view clearing … I mean search expenses’ said club president Putt Putt. ‘We have been in contact with Log-Woods and he is more than happy to have one of his singed balls on display’
Claims of opportunistic view clearing resulting in habitat loss by resident Kangaroo mob elder Hoppy ‘Hoppy’ Jump-Bounce were expressed when interviewed on the 19th hole chewing the cud. Hoppy and his mob were destitute, desperate and despised anyone with a four iron and a golf buggy. ‘What is it with you humans? You lost a few houses in the fire … It was a total Roo-Q out here … Joe, Joey, Josephine, Joseph – all Q-ed to a crisp and now what remaining vegetation is being cleared. Us ‘roos (and other wildlife) are homeless and hostile. We are seriously considering forfeiting our ‘View-a-Roo’ obligations to visiting golfers’.
Putt Putt assures the public that the sweeping ocean view vista from every one of his holes, was not the motivation for the clearing and encourages any wildlife to continue to use the Golf Course … for a small negotiable fee.
The search for 'Great balls of fire' continues.

15/04/2020

AIR RESCUE REVEALS REAL REASON FOR OPERATION 'BRISTLEBIRD'

The real reason for the governments unprecedented mercy dash to save the Eastern Bristle bird population on the Howe Flat, near Mallacoota, was revealed after two ‘Culinary Research Scientists’ were airlifted by Black-hawk-white-bellied-sea-eagle helicopter in the dead of night while it was dark, last week seven days ago.

The Bristlebird plight began after the Mallacoota township had been burnt to a crisp and the species habitat came under threat when the towering inferno proceeded to ignite Howes Flat, as opposed to Howes not-so-flat.

Initially 15 and a ½ Bristle birds where captured by uniformed DELWP (Don’t ever lay waiting people) with home whittled Bristle bird whistles and dart guns. The birds were taken to Melbourne’s endangered species research kitchen, euthanized and rolled in 100 different herbs and spices, then deep fried, for ‘research’ purposes.

‘Basically, we knew about the imminent extinction of the species. We also knew about human’s necessary requirement to consume any vulnerable/threatened flora and fauna for medicinal purposes – With Bats and Panaquin recently removed from the menu, Bristlebirds were much sort after’ said Team leader Tweet McQuack-Honk. ‘After a quick call to Cornel Dieit Thenfryit, we came up with a plan to utilize the species by utilizing the species’

‘Naturally we wanted to keep ‘Operation Endangered-species-Happy-McHappyMeal’ top secret to avoid opposition from the likes of local ornithologist/twitcher Bushy Bill, who is renowned for chaining himself to the odd chicken to save a drumstick or two’ said McQuack-Honk ‘Unfortunately our operation went ‘tits-up’ when our two ‘Research Scientists’ required a moonlit air-vac after being ‘sized-up-for-the-pot by a previously undiscovered lost tribe living in the area’

Now exposed it is unlikely the covert Bristlebird operation will proceed … but those Pelicans look tasty!

19/03/2020

FISHERMAN FOUND CLINGING TO GREEN NAVIGATION MARKER POLE AT BASTION POINT

A cold and wet man has been found alive and clinging tight to a green navigation marker at Mallacoota, four days after being catapulted from a stationary vessel that was moving before it came to an abrupt halt.
The situation unfolded at Mallacoota’s all-weather ocean access facility when a boat returning from a ‘day on the water bagging out’ unnecessarily, unexpectedly, unpredictably, ran aground at the entrance of the Bastion Point boating channel.
It appears in the urgency of the moment (trying to free the vessel from its predicament) the whereabouts of the missing fisherman, now identified as Rocky Reef-Bottom-flathead-McGill went unnoticed. It wasn’t until Rocky was spotted four days later by an early morning yoga instructor ‘Wendy Mc Bendy’ doing the ‘downward dog’, that his pole-dicament became evident.
‘I was halfway through my early morning routine, when I experienced an issue with a sandy crack, I looked up and spotted the poor fellow, near hypothermic’ said Wendy.
Wendy rushed forward in a forward rushing motion towards Rocky and gestured for him to come down ‘He was in a state of shock’ said Wendy ‘I don’t think he’d ever seen a lycra-clad early morning female yogette before, he just seemed to stare at me vacantly and quiver’
That’s when Wendy was spotted by a Canadian Helicopter firefighting SQUAT crew who were delivering puppies to bushfire ravished communities. Wendy managed to catch their attention by waving her rolled up Yoga Mat and Sweat towel at them. Needless to say, they were more than happy to attend the scene, and were even helpful in removing Rocky from his pole.
Rocky is recovering in the bar at the local recovery Centre, self-medicating, in an attempt to reconnect with his brass monkeys.

06/03/2020

BUSHFIRE RAVAGED FOREST BEING UTILISED TO MEET TOILET PAPER SHORTAGE

The department of 'Exploit and Export' has rolled out a deal with the remaining Koala poopulation in Mallacoota bushland to utilize and harvest trees for toilet paper production, in an operation known as ‘Burn to Bum’

Iva Sorearse-Ole from the forestry commission began harvesting timber in the area before lunch on Thursday but only managed to drop one log before succumbing to the call of nature.

‘Dunny roll demand has gone through the roof, people are getting the s**ts with Corona virus, fires, floods and eating to many liquorish bullets’ said Iva ‘We must capitalize where we can. What a better time to do so after the undergrowth has been decimated and the Koala poopulation has been flushed out of fire ravaged Mallacoota’

Tina Thunder-box from ‘Log to bog’ paper productions has done the calculations. ‘We’ll get three 500 sheet rolls from a log 20ft long … two ply!’ she added with excrement ‘And when it comes to logs … we’ve got s**t loads!’

These harvesting measures have been instigated after the Victorian Tourist Association encouraged visitors to re-visit Mallacoota posts fires. ‘It was necessary for Toilet technicians to allocate sheets accordingly in the Shire camp park due to over-indulgent wiping techniques’ said Shire CEO Urine Dribble ‘We ask the pooblic to cooperate with this operation and not stand in the way of dropping logs’

Yet again the Victorian logging industry survives to fell another day.

05/03/2020

Mallacoota Bushfires - Howe Range water bombing reveals lost tribe BBQing
Water bombing Helicopter pilots have gasped in astonishment at their astonishing discovery that has left them astonished.
After working to extinguish the Howe Range fire for over a month and not having a whole lot of success, water bombing pilot Phil Anspill along with co-pilot Slop Androp using special see-thru-smoke-screen’ binoculars, finally got to the source of the uncontainable bushfire – a lost tribe BBQing!
“We had been extinguishing the Howe Range fire on a daily basis’ said Phil ‘Only to find it up and smoking again the following day’
‘It’s been frustrating’ added Androp ‘Public pressure to extinguish this fire has been immense. We’ve had local politicians petitioning, knitting nannies knitting and even had a pelican make a desperate bid to talk to us about it whilst in the air … poor thing, didn’t quite time that right’
Dem Bones, an Anthropologist who happened to be skiing in the area at the time, was directed by the chopper crew to make contact with the tribe. On arriving at the destination, he found 16 adult female specimens, 1 adult male and 57 children, all under the age of 2, re-lighting a massive BBQ for a festive feast.
‘Flip me’ Bones said ‘they were using whole trees as kindling, no wonder the bomber was having trouble putting it out!’
Queen of the lost tribe, now known as the ‘Lost tribe that is now found’ T***y Swingfree expressed her frustration to Bones with a primitive type sign language ‘That f@ #*ing great whirly bird in sky constantly pissin’ on our flame make it hard for tucker to cook an’ for us b*$ # women to feed our bloke and munchkins! Whirly bird f #@*k off. A%* ’
Despite the language barrier and use of colourful expletives Bones and Swingfree have since married.
Parks Victoria would like to fine the found lost tribe for lighting a fire in National Parks … If they can find them again.
The government would rather things stay lost and continue burning.

21/02/2020

CORONA FOUND IN BUSHFIRE RAVAGED MALLACOOTA

Scientists studying the effects of extreme heat in warm areas where it has been hot and dry have confirmed the discovery of CORONA in burnt out bushland near Mallacoota.
‘We have been studying burnt out areas after the NYD2020 (New Years Day 2020) bush fires in hope to discover something other than burnt out areas’ said head scientist Dr. Stump Smoldering-Slowly.
‘We entered a previously unexplored section of bushland behind the local when we came across our worst nightmare in this circumstance … Duna Dunn a dud dah M-m-m-my CORONA’ reported 1st assistant scientist Ember Attack, who promptly fell to the ground, laughing hysterically dribbling something about having a real KNACK for making jokes in dire situations. Ember was promptly administered two Panadol and put into isolation. CORONA has obviously started to affect the team.
The Government who usually does nothing useful in these circumstances, in true form continued to do nothing but had a lot to say about the nothing they were doing. ‘What we want is more learning in schools and less activism in schools’ said the Australian Prime Minister from an undisclosed location in Hawaii.
On the discovery on CORONA in the Mallacoota bushland, locals have embraced the next challenge after the devastating fires and in a unified act of solidarity all went to the pub to discuss their next move over a cold beer and a salted peanut.

29/01/2020

BOOGY BOARDER SURVIVES CHOPPER WATER BOMBING OPERATION.

Mallacoota local Boogie Boarder Richard 'Dick' Drager lived to surf another day after surviving an incredible 'chopper-water- bombing-incident' code named 'Operation-douse-that-fire' during the Mallacoota Bushfires.

Dick was riding a 'gnarly little left hander' at Quarry Beach on New Year’s Day when he unexpectedly found himself being hoisted out of the Ocean and into the air by a fire-bombing chopper.

'At first I thought I'd hit the wall spot on and got some good air on the re-entry' Dick recalled 'Then I heard chopper blades, found meself in a fire-bombing bucket and thought Hmmmm, this isn't so good'

What followed was an incredible tale of survival, strength and lots of carrots. Dick was dropped, along with 235,000 litres of ocean water, into a towering inferno of Eucalypt forest, cooked-up Koalas and BBQed Birds.

After surviving the drop Dick found himself wedged in the fork of a Banksia where he spent the next few days recovering from severely bruised go**ds.

'Then, bu**er me dead if it didn't start raining carrots ... thought I'd totally lost me marbles ... anyway I guess I had plenty of food ... not carrots ... I ate Rock Wallabies, there seemed to be a real abundance of them out there'

After staggering around in the bush for what seemed an eternity Dick finally returned to civilization to tell the tale of his incredible adventure. He still cowers at the sound of a helicopter, surfs each morning, but has given up riding a bike.

26/01/2020

MALLACOOTA RESIDENT SEAGULLS SQUALK DESCRIMINATION TOWARDS ‘CUDDLY AND CUTE’
A flock of resident seagulls from Mallacoota have lodged a joint lawsuit against the ‘Road to recovery’ committee in Mallacoota, following the recent bushfires.
‘Thus summer there has been a distinct lack of fush an’ chups’ said one local seagull who sounded more like a Kiwi and looked like a Turkey. ‘Sunce the fires all sorts of fodder fur nutive wildlife hus been distributed, Lucerne, pellets, grain, seed and carrots … not one single fush an’ chup! … loike huv you ever tried to swallow a carrot whole?’
One flock spokesbird squawked that food drops thus far have focused on the ‘cute and cuddly’ critters ‘Postcard Possums, wooly Wombats and cute Kangaroos’ and the resident Gull community have got their feathers in a ruffle over the whole kerfuffle. ‘Other feathered friends have been accommodated for during this recovery period with seed stations, fresh fruit and one seagull claimed to have witnessed Pelican’s being hand fed fresh mullet for heaven’s sake.’
‘We’re not a sort of ‘in-yer-face’ bird so we are often overlooked and miss the boat’ said Livingstone Gull who has a false impression of his species, hops on one leg and has half a wing ‘Due to a run in with a 35 gram salmon lure on 50 Kg braid’
The joint lawsuit has been lodged with help of the ‘Wildlife-moving-hopping-crawling-flying-forward-after a fire foundation’ and is being accommodated by a parliament of resident Boobooks.

24/01/2020

MALLACOOTA'S ELUSIVE BLACK PUMA REUNITED WITH FIJIAN DIGGERS

In an attempt to rejuvenate the lake system DWELPP, PARKS VICTORIA, MALLACOOTA SHIRE, THE CWA AND THE KNITTING NANNIES have created an open preliminarily steering committee behind closed doors to facilitate this unprecedented circumstance utilizing the availability of the Fijian spade squadron, to move forward after the Mallacoota Fire event.

Fijian diggers were air dropped by an aircraft to the isolated site and began excavating Mallacoota's lake entrance. Operation 'Restore Flow' was devised to accommodate tidal flow after the failed dredging operation 'Move Water' was compromised by carrots

"We were diggin' ... like head down, bum up, sort of stuff" said Private P***y Panther "When we spied a black object approaching from Mallacoota’s bottom lake. At first we thought it might just be a well-singed wallaby, then Snr. Corporal Kitty Catnip began blubbering, approached and embraced the critter"

The squadron was overwhelmed when the critter was recognized as being Mallacoota’s elusive Black Puma 'Sooty Charcoal', not seen since the end of WW2.

"It was a textbook 'Born Free' moment ... you know like when Elsa greeted George and Joy Adamson in that film ... I think it was called The Pink Panther" said P***y.

Snr. Corporal Catnip confessed that she thought she thought she would never see Charcoal again and has revealed that after the fires, she can't get enough of her sooty p***y.

21/01/2020

Shires plan to replenish lake levels thwarted by carrots.

Mallacoota Shire recently embarked on an ambitious operation to replenish the 7.6 Million litres of water sucked from the Mallacoota lake system by fire fighting vehicles.

Operation 'Move Water' was instigated by a shire employee somewhere in an office who thought it was a good idea. "The plan is to replenish the lake system with fresh ocean water using the dredge" said Ima Wa**er "But it seems our operation was thwarted when the 'Donkey Dick' on the dredge became clogged with carrots"

Despite Shire employees valiant efforts in extenuating circumstances and after many hours of grating and dicing the suction on the vessel remained clogged and the operation was aborted.

Concerns have been raised to the possible sabotage of this operation which had instilled such hope for the future of the estuary. The carrot is currently being pointed at the 'Orangies'

21/01/2020

Pallet load of Liquorish Bullets gives fire victims the s**ts!

57,000 bags of Choc coated liquorish bullets have been delivered by Amphibious army vehicle to bush-fire survivors in Mallacoota.

'The bullets are an essential dietary requirement for individuals on the move' said Captain Colon Crack 'Me and the lads (Darrell and Lee Squirts) have successfully delivered these arsentuals to the Community in hope that a little something special will bring some relief"

However not all recipients are happy - infact some of them have the s**ts. "I think we need more important stuff delivered' said local woman Di Reaoh "Like beer for instance'"

Local Waterboard employees aren't to pleased with the increased load on the already strained sewer system and are hoping for a follow-up delivery of high fibre fruit and veg. to help slow the flow.

20/01/2020

A local man who survived the devastating ‘2020 New Year’s day bushfires’ at Mallacoota has been found in burnt out bushland incapacitated by falling carrots.
Elmer Phudd was reported missing by his wife Ginger Vitus, when he failed to turnip home from a “Quick nip into the bush to check his crops”
“I saw him parsnip the window and he yelled to me ‘Just nipping out to the crop, gotta beetroot!” (Root being the neighbor and partner in crime) ‘That was the last time I coleslaw him’ wept Ginger.
Elmer's children Taro and Tuber found their father not far from their family home horizontal and helpless surrounded by Wallabies and Wombats who were apparently feasting on the orange lolly sticks sent to them by the heavens.