26/11/2019
I was a victim of bullying.
I thought it was normal for people to notice your appearance and tell you about it. My mom would tell me I was beautiful, hence, why I fitted the name Bella. So when people looked at me and talked about my appearance, although it wasn’t in a pleasing way, I thought they were genuinely concerned and wanted me to change for the better. I thought it was their way of appreciating me or to make themselves feel great. Mom said to be kind, and to always make people around me happy and not dissatisfied.
Not until i realized, why was I feeling that way? Why, why was I bothered by the looks on their face? The giggles that don’t escape to my hearing when I pass by them hurts me already. I wasn’t feeling happy about it. I wanted it to stop, I didn’t want them to look at me anymore. But they didn’t. And it went for days, to weeks, months up to a year.. I was basically all by myself. No one wanted to be friends with me. I have managed to live by it although it was already killing me inside. Until one day, As I looked at myself on the mirror after a sleepless night, I have realized something.
Repetitive words I hear whenever I went out has greatly affected the way I see myself. I got too conscious around people that I have missed a lot of events in my life. I, a young teenage girl became a victim of bullying. My confidence was like a bottle of water, emptied and sipped up to the last drop. I have feared to look at people’s eyes just only to see their mocking looks. They have made me feel like I’m the worst of my kind, that I don’t deserve any acceptance.
I don’t think I’ll ever be able to get back to my old self again.
To be honest though, there is only a low chance of victimizers to realize the depth of the emotional turmoil the victims have to go through because they, themselves don’t acknowledge the fact that they did wrong because of the false ‘satisfaction’ they get from bullying others.
I am Bella. As pretty as my name could get, I was treated the complete opposite.
words | Caryl Bernabe
photo source | Pinterest