Da Bonxie, Bonxie's Nest (2024)

20/02/2024

REVEALED: Transport chiefs' overused 'operational reasons' phrase inspired by Father Jack!

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A NorfLink manager has admitted to experiencing a growing sense of regret after the company deployed the meaningless catchphrase “operational reasons” when it had to cancel a couple of ferry sailings at the weekend.

Stevie ‘Sink ‘em’ Pottinger says the company’s middle management have long admired Loganwhere’s penchant for attributing an endless slew of cancellations and delays to the catch-all term.

Over the years “operational reasons” has become Orwellian speak for airline cancellations owing to a lack of planes, staff absences, not wishing to fly because there were only three customers, a shortage of caramel wafers, and a general sloth.

“It seemed lik a no-brainer,” Stevie tells Da Bonxie. “It doesna mean a blöddy thing, but it’s technically no a lie and it saves companies fae goin’ intae embarrassing details aboot whit might o gone wrang dis week.”

A man named Garfield confirmed that the recently-departed Jonny Sprinkles once told him the inspiration for the ubiquitous phrase had been that episode of Father Ted where Father Jack is taught not to swear.

The sitcom's profanity-fond priest settles on responding to questions by blurting “THAT WOULD BE AN ECUMENICAL MATTER” regardless of what he’s been asked.

“But since we tried it oot me bairns ir really gone tae toon,” Stevie laments. “Wir boy Cheems, wha is 13, pulled a sickie fae school on Monday citing ‘operational reasons’.

“His big sister Carly got in on da act as weel, refusin’ tae help clear awa’ the dinner dishes on da sam basis.

“Whin I went tae pit da cat oot o’ernight shö even looked at me wi a proper restin’ bitch-face and eyes dat said ‘am no fir shiftin’ fae da cooch - operational reasons’.

“Hit felt braaly patronising an’ hit’s persuaded me dat we should try a novel approach next time dir’s ony disruption. Wir choost goin’ ta tell da public whit da craic is, in plain Eenglish, in da hope dat dey might be mare understandin’.

"Repeat eftir me: 'Da boat's still in da garage'."

06/01/2024

“Da bairns ir nivver stopped shergin’”

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Tourism chiefs are said to be baffled that more visitors are not flocking to Shetland in early January as islanders gleefully take advantage of schools not reopening until next week.

One VisitScotland employee assured Da Bonxie he had enjoyed a “simply idyllic” few days with the family.

Each morning started with either a road trip to one of the islands’ bucolic beaches or a leisurely stroll around Clickimin Loch, arm in arm with his loving wife as their three kids merrily frolicked along the water’s edge.

As the children took off for yet another visit to the playpark, the couple then set about fashioning delicious home-cooked meals utilising all the bounteous fresh fruit and vegetables they’d picked up on the way home.

After setting off around 4pm for an epic family bike ride on Tuesday - taking advantage of a new 30-metre long cycle path at da Tesco roundabout - the quintet returned home just after 4.02pm.

The man’s wife offered a somewhat different assessment, saying he “lives in his ain peerie world”.

“2023 ended wi wis ringin’ da bells in at haem, cos da wadder wis dat fierce you wirna wantin’ ta gaen furt’.

“Da bairns wir glued tae dir tablet screens, Cheems sinkin’ twa six-packs o Magners, then blastin’ Godless 1980s hair rock through da Sonos, an me resortin’ tae takkin me gin straight fae da bottle.

“Da first five days o 2024 hiv been braaly similar. Da bairns ir nivver stopped shergin’, dir’s next ta naewhar open tae tak dem un even if dir wis you widna want tae geen oot in da pishin’ rain un howlin’ wind.

“Probably da biggest highlight o me week wis bringin’ wir blankets in fae da washin’ line an’ makkin’ da bed only ta notice it wis clarted in seaweed. Hit’s been a bra’ while fae der wis somethin’ lang, weet un slippery in wir marital bed, I can tell de dat for nitheen.”

Da Bonxie wid lik tae stress dat I still loff me haem islands dearly, and remind baith o’ me readers dat brighter, lighter un mibbe even drier days will be here ageen in nae time.

15/12/2023

A Lerrick man wha once bared his hairy erse tae da entire Clickimin as part o an up***rt Up Helly Aa skit gone wrong has declared himsel’ braaly upset at da prospect o’ a fully-clad drag act readin’ a peerie story to bairns.

Jiminy Bigget also had a jolly good time alang wi his wife (at da time o’ writin’) an’ dir three peerie ‘eens throughoot da excellent Ali Baba and Twartree Thieves pantomime at da Garrison Theatre earlier dis month. Yet he doesna seem tae realise whit an utter spectacle he’s maakin o’ himsel’.

He’s tellin’ aabody wha’ll listen dat he’s pure ragin’ at the supposed “sexualisation” o’ Shetland Library’s festive bookbug session eftir Shetland Arts announced dat Drag Queen Timberlina will be readin’ a story tae under fives da moarn.

As du can see fae da poster advertising the Draganory Storytime event, Timberlina is exposin’ marginally more bare skin dan maist cats do when dey wag dir tails in da air.

Hit is understood dat da only eens wha truly feel threatened by da event are folk like Jiminy, wha incidentally wis an avid reader o’ Zoo an’ Nuts magazines prior tae developin’ an avid thirst fir PornHub whin da internet got going.

Meanwhile, Da Bonxie and freends wish tae extend da very best o luck tae da fabulous drag queen Victoria Pier as she prepares tae taak her bow at Make More Noise da moarn’s night.

14/10/2023

Wafers for votes?! Da Bonxie investigates…

A blanket policy of dishing out free caramel wafers is the only reason Loganair won an unlikely award this week, it has emerged.

Gasts were well and truly flabbered throughout Shetland (and Orkney) when the operator won European regional airline of the year - despite being about as reliable as a sugar-high toddler with a harpoon.

Speaking exclusively to Da Bonxie, Archie Campbell of the judging panel - who is also a major shareholder in Tunnocks - said they had thought long and hard about Loganair’s positive attribute before making an otherwise frankly incomprehensible decision.

“Everybody kens most awards ceremonies mean absolutely hee-haw these days,” he drawled in a thick South Lanarkshire accent. “We’ve recognised most other regional airlines so it wis Loganair’s turn.

“Sure, I hear what everyone says, and you could argue it’s a bit like rewarding a restaurant that delivers steak n chips to your table two hours and 59 minutes late.

“But my response is: what other airline gives you a free caramel wafer (or shortbread, but who the f**k is choosing that option?) and a wee plastic punnet of water while you wait to learn whereabouts in Scotland you’re going to spend the night?”

He refused to comment on images uncovered by eagle-eyed Bonxie investigators appearing to show airline chiefs handing rectangular packages to members of the judging panel. It is alleged they were boxes containing, yep, you guessed it…

Speaking between mouthfuls of old-school Scottish confectionery, another of the judges suggested that - instead of turning off social media comments when people write stuff wot they dinnae like - Loganair should simply reply to any negativity: “Why do you hate getting free caramel wafers?”

07/10/2023

A prood auld wife fae Skeld has ordered up a framed copy of this week’s Shetland Times front page after her only granddaughter was part of the heroic team that broke a 20-year hockey hoodoo and defeated Orkney last weekend.

“Hit’ll tak pride o place abön me mantelpiece,” she said after hearing that a photo of a grinning Elspeth celebrating the big win was emblazoned across the local bible’s cover.

“You hae to be dat speeshil - I tink dat’s the word fir it - tae mak the front page o a pipper dat’s aye been a true reflection o life in dis friendly peerie community o wirs,” beamed 84-year-old Jeanette, who gifted Elspeth her first hockey stick before she reached her teens.

27/03/2023

Haters gonna hate….

15/02/2023

Fresh from single-handedly preventing Lerwick Up Helly Aa from descending into a knife-addled viking bloodbath, Shetland’s top cop has only gone and stopped Valentine’s Day from resulting in carnal mayhem.

It is yet another feather in the overflowing cap of Big Stu Clementine, just months after he spared toonies from the traditional massacres that occurred in Lerwick town centre during Old Firm matches down the years.

Clementine pronounced that he was “on a f**kin’ roll” and there’s no telling where it might stop. Targeting seemingly innocuous events like Valentine’s Day, he continued, forms part of a wider policing strategy.

“Honestly, if you hud seen the intelligence ah’ve seen about what’s gone doon in Skeld and Uyeasound on 14 February in years gone by, it’d make yer Blood. Run. Cold.”

One young couple, Sophie and Michael, dined at Hay’s Dock last night. The Valentine’s meal was their first date.

As the evening drew to a close they reluctantly agreed that, despite some splendid scran, it “hadna been da best o’ funs” and they probably wouldn’t see each other again.

Next thing they knew there were two officers in luminous hi-vis jackets bounding towards their table screaming “break it up or we’ll cuff yiz”.

“Ah wid rather not say whether that particular episode, incident no.359, took place,” Clementine told Da Bonxie while doing an exaggerated wink.

“Let’s just say we huv triumphed against the odds here, and ah’m glad we brought they extra bodies in. Communities want high visibility policing and I expect my officers to take that literally.”

He finally granted Da Bonxie an in-depth interview early this morning – much to this old bird’s relief, as frankly the Glaswegian copper’s capers have made island life somewhat challenging to satirise lately.

The polis heidyin crossed swords with Lerwick Up Helly Aa organisers ahead of the world-famous fire festival’s long-awaited return last month.

Try as they might, the organising committee failed to convince Clementine that guizers wouldn’t spend the day marauding around like it was 1066AD and did not actually intend to burn anyone.

Asked how it felt to make the UHA bill in not entirely flattering terms, Clementine replied: “We’re all glad this dangerous and downright reckless event passed off without major incident.

“But at the end of the day, who’s had the last laugh, really? That clean bill of health is going on ma Police Scotland CV, no theirs. And, by the way, that CV is mahoosif. It’s gonnae have its own postcode at the rate ah’m going.”

Clementine conceded: “Okay, 21st century Shetland isnae exactly Drumchapel or Raploch in the 1980s, but that won’t ruddy well stop me policing the place as if it was.

“Ah’ve heard the criticisms. Ah’m like Comical Ali in reverse. I can’t be arsed to pick up the phone to any of ma predecessors, especially if they’re in the Jarl’s Squad.

“Do ah have a message to the critics? Ah believe if folk hate you that means you are on the right path to success.

“But this isnae all about me. This is about keeping Shetland people safe, and in the 12 months ah’ve been here no one can deny ma track record of ensuring these century old events take place without serious crime.”

[“Lik dey always f**kin’ did”, squawk-mumbled Da Bonxie, followed by a period of abject silence.]

“What’s that? Would ah describe ma policing as world-beating? It’s really not for me to say.”

Clementine refused to deny major battle plans are being drawn up for Sunday Teas (“hives of crime that would make Don Corleone blush”) and sheepdog trials (“pens of iniquity”).

He admitted not a single voluntary event was safe from the old bill’s piercing gaze.

“Let’s put it this way: Shetland Fiddle & Accordion Festival, we’re coming for you,” he nodded ominously.

Meanwhile, the aforementioned young couple have decided to give the Cupid wheel of fortune another spin.

“I guess bein’ targeted by yun neep wis enoff ta mak wis realise we did hae some things in common eftir aa,” Sophie told Da Bonxie.

“Du’s fairly right,” grinned Michael, tenderly clasping her hand as they marched lovingly off into the morning sun… turning back to gleefully yell: “An’ when we git married, da ushers will be getting’ dir ootfits fae wir Andrew at da LHD!”

16/08/2022

Tesco’s habit of prominently displaying barbecues and suncream in its Lerwick store throughout a summer of utterly cludgey weather has been dubbed “a sick joke” by islanders.

“Dir just rubbin’ wir faces in it,” one irate customer, doon fae Whalsa', telt Da Bonxie on yet another dreich Tuesday morning.

“Wha wants tae wak past piles o’ disposable BBQs un bags o’ charcoal stackit inside da door afore headin’ oot intae pishin’ rain un wind?”

Another said seeing a shelf laden with bottles of factor 50 was about as funny as tourists and relatives rocking up in Shetland and gleefully making jokes about how “dir’s no much o a heatwave here”.

One lifelong islander said he would “double f**kin dare” his pal fae sooth to “come wi wan mare patronising comment aboot how we’ll mibbe get an Indian summer yit [we willna] or it’ll surely be sunnier next year [it willna]”.

01/07/2022

IKEA have sold out of their newest bed, the Nördlink Flør. Were you lucky enough to get one?

20/06/2022

Sleeping pods at Sumburgh?
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Northlink has come to Loganair’s rescue by offering to broker a discounted rate on its universally-adored sleeping pods after it emerged that several passengers were forced to endure an overnight stay at Sumburgh Airport.

Delays to a flight on Sunday and a lack of accommodation meant “a number of customers” found themselves bunkering down at the airport for the night.

As they woke on Monday morning staff and passengers were arriving all set for another fresh week of delays and cancellations - with frontline workers again left to bear the brunt of the travelling public’s frustration at Loganair’s deficiencies.

Serco NorthLink managing director Stu Garfield heard some passengers had actually managed to get a horizontal night’s sleep, and he couldn’t be doing with that, so he swiftly contacted Loganair offering to have a word with his favoured sleeping pod supplier.

In a letter to his counterpart at the airline, Stu suggested that if Loganair was thinking about making Sumburgh sleepovers a regular thing, it was a great chance to spread the pod gospel by installing a few in the departure lounge.

He wrote: “I’m feeling a lot of partnership working energy here, Jonny. The potential synergies are literally unbelievable.

“It’s a win-win situation. It’s win squared!”

Speaking of letters, Loganair chose an opportune moment to issue its latest missive to Shetlanders proclaiming that their service was improving. Which is true in the sense that they’re now branching out into providing visitor accommodation.

17/05/2022

'Ir you wantin' anidder ice cream, bairns?'
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Shetlanders look set ta delay facin' up tae da cost-o’-livin’ crisis in order tae double dir summer ice cream consumption eftir a second mobile van wis launched.

Earlier dis month Miss Sprinkles took tae da road fir da first time an’ has already been doin a roarin trade wi some eye-catching sweet treats.

Da new van joins da legendary Mr Stripey, wha’s been keepin wis islanders happily plied wi gelato since sometime aroond da onset o’ da Crimean War, on da mobile ice cream merry-go-round.

Coupled wi da availability o absolutely bangin haem-made ice cream fae da Island Larder on Da Street, wir truly spoiled fir choice dis summer.

As ony ‘een fae Shetland wha's ivver stood at a bar in Edinburgh fissed wi 25 draught beer taps or a cocktail menu stretching beyond wan page wid attest, da idea o’ hivvin’ choice is braaly terrifying.

Muckle Cheems, wha grew up in Whalsa’ an noo bides at da top o Snob Hill, said da only solution wis ta geen hard intae it aa summer.

“Ah’m tried aa dis ice cream plisses an dir aa maist splendid,” he telt Da Bonxie.

“Noo dir’s nae nightclubs ta gaen tae dis young ‘eens kin spend aa da money dae wid hiv wasted in Posers on ice cream instead. Sorted.”

04/05/2022

Loganair has remarkably managed to find a brand new way of generating bad publicity for itself after posting photos of philandering liar Boris Johnson giving its team a hand* with baggage at Southampton Airport.

In the same week it wrote an open letter to islanders apologising for its poor service lately, someone on the comms team at "Scotland's Airline" thought it would be a braaly good idea to stage a photo op with a man two thirds of the country think should resign.

The images - published the day before local election polling day - show Johnson half-heartedly handling items of luggage, somewhat fittingly as the dishevelled honey monster often uncannily resembles a bag of unwashed laundry himself.

We look forward to forthcoming PR cameos from disgraced former transport minister Derek Mackay and that woman who got caught on camera putting a cat in a wheelie bin.

*hindrance

09/04/2022

Thinking outside the postbox
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The Shetland Library-inspired news that the former Post Office in Lerwick is to be redeveloped as a Royal Mail customer service point has been greeted with a collective slow hand-clap by islanders.

Post Office services were idiotically shifted out of the Commercial Street building and jammed inside the door of the small Conochies newsagent in early 2020, in a move welcomed by no one with half a brain.

Da Bonxie has posted the occasional parcel at Conochies since. Each time the flappy bird thinks how perfect it is to be queueing in the freezing cold doorway of an understaffed Thorntons franchise, preparing to be greeted by a marginally warmer welcome than you might get at North Korean immigration.

Royal Mail said this week that moving the customer service point from a small existing public space on the same sorting office site would make it more accessible for customers collecting parcels.

That is very true. You might even say it would be good for Post Office services to be housed in larger, more accessible premises with disabled parking nearby too.

But the Post Office, which remained publicly owned after Royal Mail was privatised by asset-stripping Tory numbskulls several years ago, will likely be scoffing at their former colleagues for missing a trick.

After all, what was to stop Royal Mail from shoehorning the parcel collection point into the waiting room at Millers Opticians, or bunging it into a serving hatch at the Fort chippy?

A UK Government source told Da Bonxie they were “very much aware” of the SIC’s radical decision to turn a former library back into a library after realising the new premises were inadequately small, but said it would be “plain wrong to draw any parallels”.

“Of course privatising Royal Mail has been crap for taxpayers and customers. It’s what we do.

“And sure, we could listen to local people and put things back to how they were before. But where’s the fun in that? Our decision-makers are paid to think outside the postbox, and they do it very well.”

“Besides,” he added, “it took the council about 20 years to perform its about-turn. Don’t expect us to admit we were wrong any time before 2040.”

Betty, who bides at Twageos, is having none of it: “Wha do dis two-pinned-in plugs tink we ir?

“It’s o’er weel hivvin some arrogant middle aged man in a suit tellin wis Royal Mail an Post Office irna wan an da same onymare. I’m no a halfwit - I kin understand dat. Hit’s still made the service waar’ an dey should still fix hit, whaever is bloody weel in charge.”

05/03/2022

Weeding out the worst in society

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Every serving police officer in Shetland has had leave cancelled so they can hotfoot it down to the NorthLink ferry tomorrow morning after “intelligence” warned of a man in Aberdeen preparing to board the Hrossey armed with two whole joints of cannabis.

The dastardly and dangerous 26-year-old is said to be preparing to strike the fear of God into islanders by rocking up in Lerwick, heading to his flat and smoking BOTH reefers in the space of FOUR hours while catching up with his mate.

Shetland’s top cop Brewer Clemency said officers would “leave no stoner unturned” in their bid to “rid the islands of this pandemic” of mellow folk going around with “tens of pounds-worth of illegal substances that could feed a whole family” for about five minutes.

But 67 year old local wife Agnes is no dat impressed.

“Dey keep sayin dir ‘actin on intelligence’ but dir doesna seem to be o’er muckle midder wit in some o whit dir doin,” she told Da Bonxie.

“Me grandson wis along da idder day spikkin aboot lockin dis cannabis-smokin fokk up ta keep wir streets safe for the lik o yun guys dat sits watchin child abuse apo dir computers.

“He wis jokin obviously but it’s actually a braaly good point. If wir justice system produces ootcomes lik dis den mibbe da system is workin a rattle o dirt…”

18/02/2022

Henderson offers reassurance that Shetland’s experience of ‘Storm Eunice’ will consist of cooking & playing tunes

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Weel-kent local musician and foodie Eunice Henderson has assured islanders that the only storm she’ll be cooking up will be in the kitchen this weekend.

The Shetland population is enjoying unseasonably mild and calm weather while collectively rolling their eyes as the rest of the UK reels in shock at “a peerie*** grain o wind” causing spectacles including wheelie bins taking flight, travel disruption and massive jets landing safely at Heathrow.

The gales have been christened Storm Eunice because we live in a country where a spell of bad weather is deemed more worthy of humanising than asylum seekers.

As the islands’ best-known person-called-Eunice, on Friday morning Henderson was moved to engage the services of a publicist after a Sandwick neighbour incoherently accused her of being involved in summoning the storm.

“I’m heard dis is dy work, Eunice!” fumed 74 year old crofter Jeemie across the wall.

His outburst came after reading and misconstruing headlines such as “UK braces for Eunice” and “how bad is Eunice?”, which sent the fear right up him.

“Am choost bunkerin’ doon an tryin ta stay clear o da Covid,” she said in a statement. “If I batter onythin da night it’ll be a few muckle haddocks for wir tae.

“I keen some fokk wid describe me as a ‘force o nature’ but as fir fomentin’ a storm doon in England, I widnoo want tae an I dinnoo hae da energy - even at my maist filskit I choost lik playin’ a few reels on me fiddle.”

***okay, quite a muckle grain but that ruins the narrative

10/12/2021

Exclusive! The truth is out there...

Local graphic design firm ArtMachine has only claimed responsibility for the appearance of a mysterious metal monolith outside its Lerwick offices as part of a double bluff to disguise the fact it is now in the pay of extraterrestrials.

Da Bonxie can sensationally reveal that highly confidential Companies House information shows ArtMachine (Shetland) Ltd is now a wholly-owned subsidiary company of ArtMartian (Mars) Ltd.

In December 2020 the unexpected appearance of the crude 8-foot structure resulted in ArtMachine featuring in national news outlets including STV. Many locals dismissed it as a cheap and cynical publicity stunt.

On Thursday this week, the graphic designers appeared to confirm as much with a deeply unconvincing post on social media stating: “Ok, we lied. It wasn’t aliens…”

They claimed it was a workplace prank that involved inventing a story and dicking around with Photoshop to distract them from more urgent work on their desks – an alien concept to Da Bonxie.

But a disgruntled former staff member, who wishes to remain anonymous and whose name definitely doesn’t rhyme with Wobert Bishart, contacted Da Bonxie this morning with incendiary evidence to the contrary.

He confirmed the monolith was indeed installed by extraterrestrials to get the attention of ArtMachine.

While they are able to create signage for businesses on their own planet, it is said to be “more Gremista than Garthspool-standard” and they had long been “hankering after a bit of that Polson je ne sais quoi”.

That led to year-long talks with ArtMachine, which has agreed a deal to beam top-notch signs and promotional materials to Mars via the Shetland Space Centre.

Part of the memorandum of understanding it has struck includes pretending to take responsibility for the monolith’s appearance one year on.

The ex-employee told Da Bonxie that with cover stories this convincing ArtMachine staff have “everything it takes to work in 10 Downing Street”.

They also showed Da Bonxie screengrabs of WhatsApp messages from an ArtMachine director stating: “Extra terrestrials lik signs… we makk signs… it just works. It’s really a no-brainer.”

The director also said the aliens “would prefer it if we didna refer tae dem as ‘aliens’”, which the former staffer agreed would be “pretty rich considering ArtMachine staff are a bunch of total space cadets”.

08/12/2021

There was no point in consulting you before sacking off your food-and-drink discount because “we’d have ignored the outcome anyway, ya bunch of naïve fools”, Serco NorfLink has told islanders.

Stu Garfield’s lugs have been burning since the change came into force, with no prior announcement, on 1 December.

Company insiders are said to be baffled that Shetlanders were either surprised or angry given they’ve been running the vessels like the cruise ship equivalent of Ryanair for nearly a decade.

The ferry operator’s heid honcho said the original plan was to remove the 20 per cent discount in June 2020, but it was delayed by the Covid-19 pandemic.

Covid is still a thing – as acknowledged by Serco NorfLink, which will sensibly not reintroduce shared cabins while guidelines remain in place – but the multinational hoarder of lucrative government contracts has decided to bash ahead anyway.

A malfunctioning spokesbot insisted: “There was no party on 18 December last year, and Covid rules have been followed at all times.”

Meanwhile, a petition from local politicians calling for a reversal has racked up over 2,500 signatures.

But a Serco NorfLink source told Da Bonxie on Wednesday that “even if 250,000 people including Aly Bain, Dougie Henshall and the entire Shetland Relay For Life committee sign it, we’re not changing our minds, neh-neh-neh neh-neh”.

“I dinnoo really get it,” da friendly wife dat bydes at da foot o Breiwick Rod telt wis. “Dey lippened we widnoo stand fir mare expensive slop when we wirna allowed tae gaen onywhar, but noo we can dir whacked da prices up?

“Dir’s lots o braaly good takeaways in da toon an in Aiberdeen. I’ll be tellin my ‘eens tae geen tae Saffron or da Fort chippy an pick up some grub for takkin on board next time dir travellin’. Dat wye we can support ‘eens dat deserves it.”

06/10/2021

'MIN, YUN'S DA WRANG STEVEN ROBERTSON!'

Comedic singer Steven Robertson has unexpectedly become the second artist to receive a Hollywood-style star in the form of a plaque in the isles this week.

It follows Tuesday’s unveiling of a stylish plaque on the ground outside the fictional home of detective Jimmy Perez, played by actor Dougie Henshall, at Da Lodberries in Lerwick.

But Da Bonxie can exclusively reveal that Robertson’s surprise recognition appears to have emanated from an embarrassing mix-up that has left Shetland PLC somewhat red-faced.

It is understood the second plaque was intended to follow the lead of the Perez/Henshall one - recognising the excellent contribution of Shetland-born actor Steven Robertson as detective Sandy Wilson in the same show.

A plaque was to have been discreetly embedded in a passing place on the road into his native village of Vidlin.

But the BBC made the mistake of leaving the whole thing in the hands of a faceless bureaucrat from a nameless department at a completely unknown organisation.

The bureaucrat, who admitted his part in the foul-up to Da Bonxie on the condition of total anonymity, has only gone and installed a plaque featuring the likeness of a jaffa cake at the Symbister Ferry Terminal in tribute to the “I Can’t S**k Whalsa’” singer.

Nevertheless, both Steven Robertsons said they were utterly delighted with the whole thing. The actor conceded that if either of them was going to make it to Hollywood it would probably be “da idder Steven Robertson”.

For his part, the singer confessed he's become an even more obsessive Whalsay devotee during the Covid-19 lockdowns, subsisting almost exclusively on cups o' tae and “chaffa chakes”.

The plaque’s unveiling had “absolutely made me day - mibbe even me week”, da kazoo-wielding humourist telt wis.

Meanwhile, a random Whalsay man was heard excitedly shouting “finally dir done sometheen ta upgrade wir ferry terminal!” outside the Bonnie Isle’s boating club this morning.

MORE TO FOLLOW...

01/10/2021

Islanders are spending the weekend thrashing around desperately trying to find a use for their new vaccine passports.

The corresponding mobile phone app - rolled out absolutely seamlessly across Scotland on Friday - is required for entry to nightclubs and indoor events attended by 500 or more people.

But with arts centre Mareel currently unable to host standing events owing to a dearth of trained security personnel, and even Lerwick’s last remaining nightclub Da Wheel Bar only opening as a pub this weekend due to staff shortages, so far the passport is proving about as useful as a chocolate fireguard.

On the plus side its introduction has given the Covid-19 sceptics and antivaxxers of the Awakened Shetland page something else to grumble about - alongside making the persuasive case that the Titanic was sunk by a bomb rather than an iceberg.

One Lerwick resident who had excitedly downloaded the app said he hoped the passports’ use might be extended to include gaining access to the weekend hell that is Tesco’s Lerwick supermarket “so I can at least get da good oot o’ hit”.

For now he stopped short of calling for Posers nightclub to be resurrected but admitted “it might come tae dat yet”.

“At least du will be able to use hit when du geens sooth,” Da Bonxie consoled him.

Da Bonxie