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Campus Rejoices as Noodle Print Edition Goes Live!
https://issuu.com/thelocalnoodle/docs/local_noodle_spring_21_final____
Issuu is a digital publishing platform that makes it simple to publish magazines, catalogs, newspapers, books, and more online. Easily share your publications and get them in front of Issuu’s millions of monthly readers. Title: The Local Noodle Vol. 3 No. 2 (4/12/2021), Author: The Local Noodle, N...
https://thelocalnoodle.com/2021/01/15/op-ed-middlebury-must-rescind-the-krakens-honorary-degree/
"Once known as “America’s Sea Monster,” The Kraken has become anything but. Alongside the other Great Ocean Predators (GOP), he enjoys destroying the very tenants of what it means to enjoy American aquatic activities.
The Kraken’s honorary degree ceremony in 1801 made quite the splash. Ever committed to sustainability, the College recycled The Kraken’s waters for its then new natatorium. “Swimming is…
https://thelocalnoodle.com/2020/11/02/american-democracy-will-never-die-says-professor-who-doesnt-vote/
"God forbid I actually work to change the realities of life in America – that would be wholly inappropriate in my position as a neutral educator. I refuse to indoctrinate them. Anyway, back to learning about the efficiency of the Electoral College"
In last week’s installment of his critically-acclaimed lecture series “American Exceptionalism: Why the World Hates Us Because They’re Jealous,” Political Science professor B. Munroe explained that…
https://thelocalnoodle.com/2020/10/30/amy-coney-barrett-proves-shes-one-of-the-boys-by-stripping-women-of-their-basic-rights/
Barrett has proven that she has 'guy friends' by citing her three closest buds in all of her decisions: the Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost
Recently published documents from the Notre Dame Law School archive have provided evidence of a pivotal night in 1997 when Amy Coney Barrett was supposedly turned away from an undergraduate party, …
Opinion: Did You Miss Us Baby? Print is Live! Again!
https://issuu.com/thelocalnoodle/docs/local_noodle_fall_20
Issuu is a digital publishing platform that makes it simple to publish magazines, catalogs, newspapers, books, and more online. Easily share your publications and get them in front of Issuu’s millions of monthly readers. Title: The Local Noodle Vol. 3 no. 1, Author: The Local Noodle, Name: The Loc...
https://thelocalnoodle.com/2020/09/17/student-who-skimmed-through-new-safecollege-trainings-unable-to-answer-riddles-of-marbleworks-bridge-troll/
"His tale pales in comparison to the students who did not complete the alcohol section of the SafeCollege training, and accordingly had their blood turned to Twisted Tea by the BevCo Warlock."
Thomas Gilfeather ‘22 found himself in a world of hurt when he realized that by skipping through certain sections of his SafeCollege training, he missed the section specifically outlining how to ha…
"In response to such ground-breaking science, the WHO is allegedly making rapid 'Home Battell Kits' to mimic the COVID-19 shield that is Battell Beach"
https://thelocalnoodle.com/2020/09/07/first-years-excited-to-discover-that-covid-19-cant-spread-on-battell-beach/
Middlebury College students have made an incredible breakthrough in COVID-19 research after a number of first years discovered that it is impossible for the disease to spread on Battell Beach. In a…
“Anti-blackness has no home at Middlebury,” wrote Patton, “just temporarily lodging on the stage in Wilson Hall, the golf course, at a dinner with the Political Science department, and permanently as a golden-boy member of a ‘secret’ frat.”
https://thelocalnoodle.com/2020/06/30/middlebury-administration-anti-blackness-has-no-place-in-middlebury-unless-it-is-on-stage-surrounded-by-private-security-at-the-heart-of-academia/
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This “article” is an email from Marissel Hernández-Romero, Ph.D., a former Visiting Assistant Professor of Spanish and Portuguese. It was sent to everyone in the Middlebury community— students, faculty, alumni, student orgs and more. Ultimately, the email was seemingly actively removed from our inboxes after nearly two hours without acknowledgement. The Local Noodle believes this email should thus be widely shared. Professor Hernández-Romero’s experiences at Middlebury do not exist in a vacuum, and as a prominently white institution, her story must be heard and faced head on.
https://thelocalnoodle.com/2020/06/28/college-cant-find-evidence-of-institutional-racism-after-all-allegations-are-mysteriously-deleted/
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Said one Global Health major, "I tried peeing on my Mac-Book but it just wasn’t the same. Also, having to look my parents in the eye when they bought me a new one was way harder than them cutting a check for Atwater damages that I have no recollection of.”'
https://thelocalnoodle.com/2020/06/24/middlebury-fall-reopening-plan-limits-elevator-peeing-to-only-25-people-at-a-time/
After weeks of holding it in, Middlebury finally released its much anticipated Fall reopening plan. The school stressed after the reveal that they took note of the negative response to the survey q…
“You could always count on Parker being the first one in the zoom room, so none of us had to worry about being alone with the professor while we waited for class to start,” said Marley Waltman ‘22.
https://thelocalnoodle.com/2020/05/24/senior-graduates-zooma-cum-laude-for-unmatched-zoom-etiquette/
Earlier today, Parker Carhill ‘20 became the first Middlebury student to graduate Zooma Cum Laude, Middlebury’s highest, and newest, honor created following the inaugural remote semester. Students …
Sure, the Campus has "the Off-Campus Project" and "well-researched COVID-19 coverage", but The Local Noodle Spring 2020 Once in a Lifetime Certified Platinum Quarantine Edition Magazine has quite literally EVERYTHING else.
https://issuu.com/thelocalnoodle/docs/s20_noodle_donezo
Issuu is a digital publishing platform that makes it simple to publish magazines, catalogs, newspapers, books, and more online. Easily share your publications and get them in front of Issuu’s millions of monthly readers. Title: The Local Noodle Vol 2 No 4 (5/11/20), Author: The Local Noodle, Name:...
OPINION: "I know these days we’re inundated with feel-good stories, but my story is not the same as a grandma sewing face masks or teachers working overtime to help their students remotely. My story is much bigger."
https://thelocalnoodle.com/2020/05/05/opinion-today-i-cut-my-toenails/
F***y Feuhnguss Opinion Writer at Large Social distancing is hard. Since we left school, I’ve been incredibly lonely and I’ve struggled to do anything, from finishing homework to cleaning the dishe…
"The college has announced that the nineteen rising juniors placed in the Pit will enjoy sleeping in tents repurposed from the Fyre Festival."
https://thelocalnoodle.com/2020/04/27/department-of-housing-will-place-students-in-proctor-pit-amid-over-enrollment-crisis/
As the Department of Undergraduate Housing Operations prepares for the unprecedented number of students returning to campus next fall, the school has had to identify new residential spaces. A group…
https://thelocalnoodle.com/2020/04/24/digital-nocturne-hailed-by-studio-art-majors-criticized-by-parents-with-newly-fingerpainted-bathrooms/
"The event was an escalation in the growing divide between students who have had access to drugs during this quarantine period and those who have not."
Middlebury students worldwide gathered yesterday on Zoom for the first-ever digital edition of Nocturne, the college’s annual award-winning arts festival and 24-hour drug rave. Although students in…
https://thelocalnoodle.com/2020/04/20/abroad-changed-me-says-student-indefinitely-stranded-in-cameroon/
"Kaiser had formerly been known to joke about how abroad wouldn’t change her. Now, however, after being sealed within Cameroon as part of their COVID-19 response, she feels differently."
Every year a cohort of Middlebury juniors return from abroad to announce that they cannot eat dining hall pizza or drink wine from a box or be a decent person anymore simply because abroad “changed…
https://thelocalnoodle.com/2020/04/17/opinion-please-grade-me-on-how-well-i-did-the-dishes-last-night/
"My reasons are as follows:
I. I need more numbers that prove I am better than my peers."
The following letter was co-signed by 2 billion Middlebury students and emailed to all Middlebury faculty on April 35. It has not been edited in accordance with The Local Noodle’s style guidelines.…
https://thelocalnoodle.com/2020/04/14/administration-solves-financial-troubles-by-printing-more-students/
"Admissions could not be reached for comment, as they were too busy preparing the forthcoming batch of 8,000 acceptance letters."
Faced with an increasing deficit as a result of the COVID-19 crisis and the exorbitant cost of the MCAB carriage rides last fall, Middlebury administrators have reportedly resorted to extreme measu…
"Following last night’s smash-hit entree 'noodles with butter' and Saturday’s 'leftovers from Deborah’s casserole recipe,' Ross continued to emulate the classic home-meal experience by updating go/noms/ to declare that there would be 'no dessert' and that you should 'go straight to bed.'"
https://thelocalnoodle.com/2020/04/09/ross-dining-hall-concludes-fourth-week-of-exclusively-serving-meals-from-home/
Today marked the 26th consecutive evening of Ross serving a “Meals from Home” style dinner to the Middlebury student body. Following last night’s smash-hit entree “noodles with butter” and Saturday…
"The administration announced that their laptop’s microphone “sucks” and therefore left them unable to hear the student body."
https://thelocalnoodle.com/2020/04/05/audio-connectivity-issue-renders-administration-unable-to-hear-students-demands/
The debate over the revision of Middlebury’s grading policy this semester has come to an apparent end, as the administration announced that their laptop’s microphone “sucks” and therefore left them…
https://thelocalnoodle.com/2020/03/30/crunchy-communist-classmate-zooms-into-sociology-class-from-what-is-clearly-a-mid-century-estate/
"In the middle of making a discussion comment denouncing private property, Hastings was cut off by what appeared to be a butler delivering a tray of hors d’oeuvres"
As Middlebury transitions to remote classes, students are finding that Zoom classrooms are providing them with new, intimate insights into the lives of their peers. Warren Hastings ‘22, founder of …
"Despite the delays, administrators still plan to mount the Rhino’s head in the Political Science department, in order to keep all of Middlebury’s antique relics in one centralized location."
https://thelocalnoodle.com/2020/03/24/public-ex*****on-of-ross-rhino-delayed-until-fall-2020-due-to-covid-19/
Already reeling from the loss of their spring semester, Middlebury students woke up this morning to the announcement of yet another life-disrupting cancellation: the public ex*****on of the Ross Rh…
"The Board’s decision translates to the eradication of all previous debts held by the Noodle, which equates to a hundred thousand dollar buyout, and a blank check for future financial operations."
https://thelocalnoodle.com/2020/03/20/board-of-trustees-deems-the-local-noodle-too-big-to-fail-will-finance-future-operations/
After yesterday’s emergency meeting to discuss the Covid-19 outbreak and its impact on the immediate future of Middlebury, the Board of Trustees has unanimously voted to make the survival of the Lo…
https://thelocalnoodle.com/2020/03/09/biddy-says-shell-just-touch-up-the-powerpoint-ends-up-gentrifying-your-entire-neighborhood/
"Just as she added a couple of 'fade' transitions to several low-resolution images that were entirely irrelevant to the project, she also transitioned Hardson’s town into another epicentre of disaffected Americans who consistently refuse to acknowledge the homeless."
Instead of adding significant content to the powerpoint that Tre Hardson ‘21 made for his sociology class’s midterm presentation this week, his biddy partner instead opted to gentrify his entire ne…
Eventually, Earworm was able to break free of his trance but neglected to continue the concert, electing instead to turn on a set of flashing green lights and play the song “Daisy Daisy (Bicycle Built for Two)” on repeat.
https://thelocalnoodle.com/2020/02/29/roaring-twenties-party-ends-early-after-dj-earworm-becomes-transfixed-by-the-piercing-gaze-of-dr-t-j-eckleburg/
The Middlebury roaring twenties themed Winter Carnival concert ended abruptly today after guest performer DJ Earworm became overwhelmed by the piercing gaze of famed oculist Dr. T.J. Eckleburg. Hal…
"Obama is Middlebury’s fourth most famous alum after Steven Hauschka ‘07, Rafi from the League ‘95, and the entire band known as Dispatch ‘96-’98."
https://thelocalnoodle.com/2020/02/26/obama-returns-to-beloved-alma-mater-middlebury/
Middlebury received a pleasant surprise yesterday when celebrated alum Barack Obama ‘79.5 dropped in to visit campus to get an Even Steven at the Grille. Obama is Middlebury’s fourth most famous al…
https://thelocalnoodle.com/2020/02/23/clingy-hookup-wants-you-to-acknowledge-their-existence/
"He defended his actions, or lack thereof, by arguing that just because the pair had intimate, loving s*x, it does not mean that they shared any level of human connection."
According to her friends, Tess Prett ‘22 is apparently upset that Francois Fuchbois ‘21 did not acknowledge her existence when they passed each other in the Atwater dining hall last Monday morning.…
https://thelocalnoodle.com/2020/02/18/tour-guide-walking-backwards-obliterated-by-128-wheeled-truck/
Said the tour guide: "I’ll be walking backwards for most of the tour, so don’t be afraid to call my name out if you see a mechanical engine of death barreling toward me"
This past Thursday, tour guide Kent Schpicalokansky ‘21 was brutally obliterated after being struck by a 128-wheeler while walking backwards across College Street. Kent was in the middle of …
"Ross Dining Hall foiled students’ plans for pleasure once again this Friday when Middlebury couple Anna Ouss ‘21 and Bert Ferker ‘21.5 had to postpone their much-anticipated Valentine’s Day a**l marathon due to complications from the BBQ beef brisket sandwich served today at lunch."
https://thelocalnoodle.com/2020/02/14/ross-bbq-beef-brisket-sandwich-ruins-plans-for-valentines-day-a**l/
Ross Dining Hall foiled students’ plans for pleasure once again this Friday when Middlebury couple Anna Ouss ‘21 and Bert Ferker ‘21.5 had to postpone their much-anticipated Valentine’s Day a**l ma…
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