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The ongoing diss war between hip-hop stars Kendrick Lamar and Drake has captivated the entertainment world in the last week. And many politicians have taken inspiration from the feuding rap titans, whose tracks have contained allegations of paedophilia and domestic abuse, with Lamar’s latest diss ...
By: Clive Parrott, Snooker fan What is wrong with this publication? I’ve opened it the last two days to see that snooker, the game I love, is either racist or an allegory for the fall of communism. It’s neither of these things. It’s just a fu***ng game. And what a game at that. A test of skill...
By Chuck E. Cheeser, American tax-payer and patriot Well, gosh darn it, I read yesterday’s article in this fine publication saying snooker was racist and I near choked on my Honey Vanilla Cheerios. I’m no snooker expert, but that woman was talking baloney. I’ve done my research and what is cle...
By: Tina Fenty, Head of Diversity Studies, Trinity College Racism in sport is nothing new. In my role I see case studies of this phenomenon every day. However one sport, which has passed under my radar until now, is particularly egregious. I’m talking about snooker, the game which continues to foi...
According to recent reports 80% of people seeking asylum in Ireland are arriving here via Northern Ireland. That’s something British Prime Minister Rishi Sunak is particularly pleased about, as his threat of shipping asylum seekers off to Rwanda appears to be an effective deterrent. However, Taois...
Racists around the country have reacted angrily to scenes in Newtownmountkennedy, Co, Wicklow last night, where Gardai clashed with protestors outside a site earmarked for asylum seekers. “It’s a disgrace,” said a spokesperson for Wicklow Says No. “We have a right to protest and were innocen...
Assessment of applications for jobseeker's allowance, illness benefit and a range of other payments is to get a radical overhaul, the Department of Social Welfare has announced. Instead of having to fill out forms applicants will be able to upload a 30 second TikTok video to the department webs
A Taylor Swift fan has tragically died after spontaneously combusting. The incident occurred after the singer released a surprise additional 15 tracks for a double edition of her new album The Tortured Poets Department in the early hours of Friday morning. Mega ‘Swiftie’ Coco Corcoran (19) was l...
By John E. Bland, Post Office worker There is a school of thought that human civilisation has already peaked and that we are hitting the downslope. Whoever thinks that has never used one of these incredible four colour Bic pens. I only discovered the pen a few weeks ago when a colleague lent me hers
Satan is to launch a reboot of the Naked Gun comedy series starring OJ Simpson. In a surprise announcement The Prince of Darkness, who is a huge fan of the 1990s comedy series, is to direct with OJ Simpson to reprise his role as Detective Nordberg. “I’ve been waiting for OJ’s arrival,” said ...
Simon Harris, the Paranoid Android, has made history by becoming the first non-carbon based entity to become Taoiseach. To celebrate this momentous occasion DTTN has canvassed opinions from the great, the good and the Healy-Raes of Irish public life. Leo was the first gay son of immigrants. Now Simo
A local woman was left outraged this morning after waking to discover that an hour had been stolen from her. “I couldn’t believe it,” said Betsy Bogger, “I got up for Easter mass but when I arrived everyone was already coming out of the church. And they said it was an hour later! What kind o...
A local man has quit his job in order to work full time at returning plastic bottles under the new Deposit Return Scheme. Billy Can (32), a civil engineer, told DTTN he realised the return scheme was a gold mine after reading about a local boy making a few quid collecting discarded bottles. “My ol...
A local man has revealed that he is topping up his Credit Union loan every week to afford pints. And Podge Jameson (45) is set for even more financial struggle after Diageo announced yet another price increase. “It’s a disgrace,” said Jameson. “It seems the days of having 20 quiet pints and ...
By: Liam Mac, Limerick Fan Lads, lads, lads. There’s been some amount of scutter written about Kyle Hayes in the last few days. And all to derail the drive for five. Ye should be ashamed, lads. Two years suspended for violent disorder sounds bad right enough, but sure that’s just one judge’s o...
Simon Harris is today celebrating as he looks set to become the next Taoiseach by default. The Minister for Further and Higher Education, who also played Marvin the Paranoid Android in The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy, is the only Fine Gael TD in the running. “My fellow party members have sh...
Leo Varadkar, who today announced his shock departure as Taoiseach and leader of Fine Gael, will go into the history books as one of the leaders of this country. DTTN salutes Varadkar’s many great achievements in office such as [insert something good here-Ed] and [Anything at all? Surely there mus...
A local man has accused Kate Middleton of shooting JFK and faking the moon landing, amongst other things. Conor Conspirator (25) finally put the pieces together after seeing Middleton’s doctored Mother’s Day photograph. “I always knew the British Royal Family was central to all this,” said C...
Leo Varadkar is busy enjoying his all-expenses paid junket to Washington to serve shamrock and smiles to the US. However, The Taoiseach also has domestic matters on his mind, namely Ireland’s rugby clash with Scotland in Dublin on Saturday that could see Andy Farrell’s men claim the Six Nations ...
Cork and its inhabitants are going to be even more insufferable than usual after Cillian Murphy won Best Actor at last night’s Oscars. “Cillian is pure sound,” said one Cork feen. “This Oscar is for all of us; every man, woman and child of Cork. And we’re all looking forward to our turn to...
An indecisive local man has voted both ‘Yes’ and ‘No’ in today’s referendums on wording around Family and Care in the constitution. Vinny Vacillate (43) believes both sides have a point and so marked the Yes and No sections in both referendum papers. “At first I thought yes,” said Vaci...
Finally! After months of protests from my dozen fans I have been restored as DTTN’s film reviewer. And for the record those allegations were never proven. And the Editor, kind soul that he is, sends me to review a film about professional fu***ng wrestling. Maybe jail isn’t so bad after all. The ...
Apple has today been fined €1.8 billion by the EU Commission for abusive App Store rules over the past ten years that have seen customers overpaying for music streaming. But, in an unexpected turn of events, Apple users have reacted to the news by setting up a GoFundMe page for Apple to cover thei...
A local man is planning to wear shorts for the rest of the weekend despite a nationwide ice warning coming into place tonight. Temperatures look set to drop to -2 degrees, but Andy Duff (59) just isn’t having any of it. “I wear my shorts every day taking the dog for a walk, or popping out to buy...
The local traffic warden is really enjoying his job and doesn’t care who knows. “People think just because you’re a traffic warden you’re a miserable fecker,” Peter Pincher told DTTN. “But that’s not true at all. It’s a very rewarding career. They moan and shout when they get clamped...
Liverpool’s youngsters are facing detention after sleeping in and missing school following their defeat of Chelsea in Sunday’s League Cup final. Manager Jurgen Klopp, who included eight academy players in his squad, has taken full responsibility and apologised on the under 14’s behalf. “They...
Minister for Media Catherine Martin has had enough of the constant scandals from state broadcaster RTE. The deputy leader of the Green Party today announced that RTE’s entire structure and offering would be ripped up and relaunched with a new green agenda. “It just never ends with these entitled...
A local man has decided to become a celebrity chef after spending many hours watching cookery programmes on television. Gordon Lardon (27) told DTTN that it was his time to shine after hours watching The Great British Menu, MasterChef and The Restaurant. “I don’t actually cook, I’m more of a t...
The new manager of the men’s senior international manager is to be selected by raffle, the FAI has announced. The post has been vacant since Stephen Kenny’s departure in November, but now the FAI are confident they are close to landing their man, woman or child. “It’s been a tough few months...
Former US President Donald Trump is today celebrating after breaking more records in civil court actions. Trump has been ordered to pay $355 million for fraud and banned from running businesses in New York for three years. This follows last month’s ruling that the fraudster owed writer Jean E. Car...
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