horoscopesaredumb (2024)

10/09/2020

Tweets and GOP statements will soon be read in Comic Sans when Comic Sans officially endorses the Republican Party this fall.

Experts view this endorsement as a huge step forward to better get their message across to their base. Sean Hannity will state “‘Global warming is a hoax’ and ‘grab em by the p~ssy’ just make more sense in Comic Sans” 🧐

🔮Your future prediction 9/10 🔮

😂

06/09/2020

“You are what you eat” therefore “you are what you drink”?

This Holiday weekend you will most likely see cans of beer littered in your local parks. You may see some Buds, Coors, Millers, and even seltzers these days but you probably won’t find a craft beer kicked under the picnic table. Instead of losing faith in humanity, you’ll do your part and drink like a decent human. After all, it’s Labor Day weekend. Enjoy the fruits of your labor!!!!!!!

Happy Labor Day y’all 🇺🇸

🇺🇸 🌈 💫

04/09/2020

Rather than being an “add-on” extra feature, standard model Pickup Trucks will feature easy to use turning signals that only require a small movement of the wrist and fingers to operate. Afterwards, Ford and GMC will compete for bigger and bigger blinker sizes and the once inconsiderate blinkerless drivers will eventually become an obnoxiously bright, loud, and overlaid with decal reminder of simpler times when they didn’t use them at all 😔

**t 😂

31/08/2020

Single and ready to mingle? First impressions are important. This should be obvious, but you shouldn’t lead with any big question like “do you worship the Lord?”, “do you put the TP over or under?” OR “what’s your sign?”

This week’s blinky lights are forecasting romance in your life. It’s all on you to not ruin this opportunity. Be cool 😎 and lead with something we all can agree on... like how great Tom Hanks is.

8/31

27/08/2020

What you think you look like NOT clicking UPDATE.

The inconvenience of accidentally opening iTunes plagues us all. It might as well be linked to your myspace account at this point. Sadly, like your family, you are stuck with it. You will continue to ignore its existence this week and curse the moment that little icon starts bouncing. “You’re Cool Beans and iTunes is Weak Sauce” -Gandhi

Zodiac 8/27

😂

26/08/2020

I got sweet and sour sauce all over my fingers and I ain’t got time for your flowery cosmic mumbo jumbo.

You may want to skim over the details and get straight to the point this week. That’s okay. Don’t be ashamed in using wiki, Sparknotes, YouTube to get the gist of it. Now if only Sparknotes could summarize all the overtly long-winded recipe websites, we’d be all set.
(Million Dollar Idea Alert🚨)

8/26

🌈 😂 **t
😂

25/08/2020

Oh, thanks for this 98 cents! I will dispense this into my gfs purse or live a life with loud pockets only to loose it in the next couch I sit in.

Life will hand you some change this week. Will you turn it into cash or will it be lost in an abyss of fabric, crumbs, and tv remotes?

Zodiac 8/25

24/08/2020

True story. Why is it so easy to get frustrated with your parents? You know you love em but you still wanna scream “it’s not ROBO, Mom”

This week you will face a parental frustration. Maybe they need a router reset or got locked out of Facebook. Either way, you’re the only life-raft in a sea of futuristic confusion. Gotta respect dem elders and try your best to do it with a smile. Your Tiktok, V**e Pen, or crypto trading can wait a few more moments anyway...

Zodiac 8/24

#100 #💯 #😆

22/08/2020

Some baked cookies woulda been nice. Oh well... I guess humans are a lot like Tim the Toolman Taylor. We seem to blow up everything we touch anyway. Maybe they know better than to say hi 👋

This week your neighborly fortunes may be tested by a lawn mower at 7:58am or a MAGA lawn sign. Remember that you can pick friends but you can’t pick family or neighbors. Only when they lend you some tools can you move this relationship to the next level.

Zodiac 8/22

**t

21/08/2020

There are many ding d**g size related issues in the world but be aware of any signatures nearing these sizes. A smart man would be a minimalist and make their signature be “VOID”. That dude can get away with anything. However, in the future Trump’s signature will be synonymous with VOID. So next time you see this signature you can laugh knowing that your children will know what the cursive version of VOID looks like.

Ta**us 8/21

**g 😂

19/08/2020

This week you will Google something with no search results. Examples might include:
I love the Dentist.
Why aren’t shorts half the price of pants?
Is Arby’s hiring?

7/19

17/08/2020

Trust me. I’m a psychic 🔮

😂 😂😂😂

16/08/2020

You will encounter a good ole fashioned head scratcher this week. However, head scratches feel pretty darn good. Find humor in the oddness and curiosities of the world or you could fall into frustration, confusion, and insanity.

8/16

15/08/2020

This week you will encounter the First World Problem you fear the most.

You know damn well those seat covers do nothing so you will, again, lay out an elaborate nest of 🧻 for your bottom. During the final seconds of countdown to launch a cool breeze across your naked shins indicates a spectator has entered the restroom. You abort due to imperfect launch conditions and wait for more favorable weather. Well, knowing that the “weather” clearly saw your pants around your ankles they abruptly cancel their own planned launch but, to save face, they wash their hands, use the blow dry and exit the premises.
Now you are free for an unknown time and you pray that the launch sequence can be ready to go before another break in the weather.

**per Zodiac 8/15

**p #💩 **pmemes 😂😂😂 #100 #💯 **t

14/08/2020

We don’t own events or their reasons. We own what we do with them. Creating meaning and not finding reason will ease your mind and give you more control in life.

But you knew that already... The real question is how do I respond to that statement in the future? Maybe a simple fart should suffice 😏

8/14

13/08/2020

Imagine the most trustworthy or likable people you can and then imagine them holding a Big Gulp. This violates Newton’s 6th Law of Motion: A stable object becomes unstable in the presence of Big Gulps.

This week you may find someone in your life may test your trust in them. This may come in the form of money or even a Big Gulp.

8/13

#711 😂 @ 7/11

12/08/2020

I started a very special book club today. Today’s read is an oldie but still very relevant today.

PLIGHT OF THE MODERN woman was just as much about thingys as it was about Bobbles.

What were your thoughts?

Stay tuned for more books from the past, present, and future...

**t 😂

11/08/2020

It’s all been a lie. After years of being told the importance of veggies and the importance of breakfast you will see the glitch in the matrix.

Muffin is cake and pastries are dessert. The only ONLY veggie to be found is a fried onion.

Libra 8/11

**t 😂

10/08/2020

Humans prefer easy and simple reasonings to a universe of infinite complexity.
Something unexplainable = God
Immigrants = Wall
Personalities = Horoscope
Decaf Coffee = Satan

Be cautious if your critical thinking stops at the first and easiest solution to your problems today. Often times it is more complex than you allow it to be...

8/10

08/08/2020

🔮 In the near future budget cuts will force local police departments to think outside the box and Juggalos will find a new purpose in life. Now that the defund zodiac is sweeping the nation expect to see more cost cutting measures in your local municipalities and your personal life. Maybe you should consider eating the bread crust for a change (you savage)

Zodiac 8/7

😂 @ Portland Police Department

06/08/2020

“It’s 2020. Don’t ask me if I own a printer. Docu-sign that biatch!” Welp, now you gotta search through your contacts to find that friend who owns a printer so you can print and sign something that will be copied and saved as a pdf for someone else 🤦‍♂️

They, for whatever reason, invited that headache machine into their homes willingly. So, give thanks and be grateful for your modern day truck friend for they hold the key to your once a year problem.

#2020

04/08/2020

As the moon becomes full of itself, let it cast light on the previous phases of your life. For better or worse, you’ve changed. In regards to your JNCO jeans phase, its for the better. In regards to your weight gain, it’s for the worst. But I’d rather have a beer belly than a pair of JNCO Jeans any day.

Zodiac 8/4

🙄

03/08/2020

Sadly this is less a psychic prediction as much as it is a scientific certainty. Make some meaningful change in your behavior but most importantly vote and focus your attention on your elected officials. The next generation will ask everyone of us “what did you do to help?”

Zodiac 8/3

#2020

02/08/2020

Time to dust off that Tinder account and begin losing faith in humanity again. Yes, Tinder is the clearance rack of dating but them blinkys are saying this is your week of good fortune. A semi-chub Moon in your sign predicts meaningful connections while full on chubs signal life screwing you over one way or another. Ya know, like a fender bender, parking ticket, or having to watch a full episode of Big Bang Theory with basic people thinking it’s smart humor.

Zodiac 8/2

#🍆

31/07/2020

I have spoken and so it shall be 🔮

Runner-ups include:
“Does your headset match your lag speed?”
“You remind me of those things that used to be around. Y’know, Americans”
“Facebooker”

#2026 🌈 #🍆 #😆

30/07/2020

Like your diet you keep telling yourself you’ll start, your books will remain unread. As they collect dust you’ll think it shows people around you how smart you are but deep down it’ll only make you feel lazy, inadequate, and unaccomplished.

7/30

#📖

30/07/2020

#😷 vs #🍑
Which one are you?

zodiac 7/29

😷

28/07/2020

As two new meteor showers begin this evening one may find delight at the rocks falling to earth but remember that those little bastards are trying to kill us. So remember to raise your middle finger and curse those bi***es as the Earth smokes em!

Oh, and Aquarius will feel something and has digestion problems this week.

7/28

😂

27/07/2020

“You don’t pay your artist enough and your playlist is trash this week” You may find yourself venting your frustration due to many reasons but Spotify will send you over the edge when you hear that song you’ve played a million times appear on your discover weekly. Don’t forget your first world problem will resolve just in time for next weeks discover weekly.

Capricorn ♑️ 7/27

26/07/2020

🤔 seems legit. Just don’t start getting all retrograde on me today
- Homoerectus Cave Quote (1 Million BC)

😂 **t **t

25/07/2020

Ancient script depicts Little Dipper syndrome as a compensation to inadequacy. In ancient times this was found by those who gave their horses flatulent foods, extra loud horseshoes, and wore jackets that matched others who did the same.

Today your horoscope is: Nobody thinks your are cool. Pipe down and be less of a dangus.

Zodiac 7/25
🌈 💫

24/07/2020

Make a change in this world. Start a committee, make art, call your mother, or buy someone a coffee. Just do something.

Zodiac 7/24

23/07/2020

Everything is a conspiracy if you want it to be. Them blinky lights in the sky can predict the future, if you want it to. Bull s**t tastes good, if you want it to. There is a difference between being skeptic and a denier.

zodiac 7/23

🌈 💫 @ NASA Jet Propulsion Laboratory

23/07/2020

Everything is a conspiracy if you want it to. Them blinky lights in the sky can predict the future, if you want it to. Bull s**t tastes good, if you want it to. There is a difference between being skeptic and a denier.

zodiac 7/23

🌈 💫 @ NASA Jet Propulsion Laboratory

22/07/2020

A choir of auto-tuned angles may rain down from the heavens today but just remember things will get better and there is a Planet where no trap music exists (literally every planet but Earth)

Aquarius 7/22

🌈

21/07/2020

Yup. You drink Malt Liquor. Accept it. Embrace it. Be proud. Fighting it will only make your life more difficult.

zodiac 7/21

🌈 💫

19/07/2020

Luck is merely statistics. No matter how talented you are, someone less talented than yourself will out achieve you if you base your success on accolades alone. Never create or use your talents to seek recognition by others. Create only what YOU think is your best. If you are a musician; Yes, James Blunt is more successful than you but who the heck wants to listen to James Blunt?

Scorpio 7/19

(sorry, you seem like a nice and respectable guy)

18/07/2020

Tag anyone you think was born with this Zodiac.

**p **t **pmemes

10/09/2020

06/09/2020

04/09/2020

31/08/2020

27/08/2020

26/08/2020

25/08/2020

24/08/2020

22/08/2020

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19/08/2020

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31/07/2020

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