26/01/2024
I often see this narrative that special needs mom are selfish for grieving the milestones they will never experience with their children and to share the responsibility and emotions that come with raising a special needs kid. The logic behind this, is that it damages the special needs community.
As an Autistic person, with a non-verbal autistic son who will very most likely need heavy support throughout his entire life, It’s an opinion I struggle to understand.
I can understand how there’s some variables- how some people can feel invalidated from seeing their parents complain/share their emotions about the grief they felt while raising their child. I empathize with this sentiment as it’s bound to be some difficult emotions to process.
I also really believe that caregivers rarely get the emotional support they need to process the heavy emotions they are going to live through.
I feel like it’s also important to communicate those needs- and to share what life can be like in order to help certain people to be more aware of what kind of life they could stumble into by building a family of their own. Although, the love you have for your child is unconditional, not everyone can be a parent for a special needs kid, and that’s totally expected- it’s not something they teach you in school.
There is an incredible amount of grief that comes with having a child that will require care throughout their life. Especially in a system where support is lacking, it’s scary to think about when you’re dead, what their life will be like, and how will they get the support they need if it’s so hard to find it when you’re alive. There’s a huge sense of responsibility and there is so much that most people wouldn’t even consider or think about at all that crowds the mind of a caregiver.
Every month- I find a feeling I need to process.
I find an expectation I need to let go off. None of it deminishes my love and my intentions to support my son. But a part of letting go of expectations is to allow yourself to feel what you need to feel.
