The Springfield Daily Observer

17/07/2023

Though producer Timbaland has maintained for years he did not know where the baby sampled on late singer Aaliyah’s 1998 hit “Are You That Somebody” had come from– a source familiar with Timbaland Records’ catalog claims they have definitive proof of its identity.

Though producer Timbaland has maintained for years he did not know where the baby sampled on late singer Aaliyah’s 1998 hit “Are You That Somebody” had come from– a source familia…

28/06/2023

Samantha Mueller, 38, was admitted to Aurora Health Center on 210 American Dr. in Fond du Lac showing signs of significant dehydration though her sodium and potassium levels came back completely normal.

Samantha Mueller, 38, was admitted to Aurora Health Center on 210 American Dr. in Fond du Lac showing signs of significant dehydration though her sodium and potassium levels came back completely no…

23/05/2023

Decades in the making, the violent history behind recent attacks on mail carriers had an unlikely source: a 1961 Motown hit.

12/04/2023

As May Day approaches, seasoned sorceresses and baby witches alike are preparing for the official start of the Summer.

BROOKLYN — As May Day approaches, seasoned sorceresses and baby witches alike are preparing for the official start of the Summe

08/04/2023

IRVINE – Sanctuary opened its gates once again for Diablo IV's open beta late last month, and fans across the world voiced an array of opinions.

IRVINE – Sanctuary opened its gates once again for Diablo IV’s open beta late last month, and fans across the world voiced an array of opinions.

08/04/2023

SHELTON — The rumblings of revolt against the iconic cigarette lighter brand, BIC, have been growing in recent months.

31/03/2023

Happy Indictment Day, America!

30/03/2023

In what some are calling the "trial of the century", lifestyle influencer and woo tycoon Gwyneth Paltrow took the stand last week following a 2016 skiing accident.

WISCONSIN DELLS – In what some are calling the “trial of the century”, lifestyle influencer and woo tycoon Gwyneth Paltrow took the stand last week following a 2016 skiing accident.

18/03/2023

SANTA CLARA – In the biggest bank fail since the Great Recession, the collapse of Silicon Valley Bank on March 10th has rocked the tech industry. Ahead of the bank's closure, venture capitalists stirred up drama on Twitter and urged followers to pull out.

SANTA CLARA – In the biggest bank fail since the Great Recession, the collapse of Silicon Valley Bank on March 10th has rocked the tech industry. Ahead of the bank’s closure, venture capitali…

02/03/2023

NATIONWIDE — They’re calling it “You-ing” and concerned parents across the country are raising the alarm. The Netflix show starring Penn Badgley has been a fan favorite since its debut in 2018, but new research has confirmed...

26/02/2023

APPLETON – Some people think it’s much more serious. “Sharon has become more and more radical,” says a member of the militia that wishes to remain nameless but has denounced Muehlbauer’s actions.

APPLETON – Some people think it’s much more serious. “Sharon has become more and more radical,” says a member of the militia that wishes to remain nameless but has denounced Muehlbauer’s actions. “…

03/02/2023

“As of today, customers who have purchased a 2023 day planner, organizer, calendar, or padfolio will be required to make one daily entry or risk losing access to their personal schedule,” says Martine Falau, Director of Spiral Bindings and Perforations.

SIDNEY, NY — Earlier this week, the planner and organizer giants AT-A-GLANCE revealed a new policy regarding the use of their daily, weekly, and monthly planners. Citing a high organization abandon…

08/01/2023

The Wisconsin Department of Natural Resources, scourge of the aggressive fisherman, made a shocking announcement Saturday morning.

LAKE WINNEBAGO – The Wisconsin Department of Natural Resources, scourge of the aggressive fisherman, made a shocking announcement Saturday morning. Instead of providing spearing licenses for the 20…

27/11/2022

It's the most wonderful time of year in New York City, and not just because the holidays are underway. This weekend, thousands of New York area hunters geared up for the biggest thrill of the year: rat hunting season.

MANHATTAN – An enormous tree will soon grace Rockefeller Center. Salvation Army Santas clanging bells will start showing up at department store entrances. It’s the most wonderful time of year…

22/11/2022

The former owners of Frogg's Ice Cream on Military Road announced that pasty USB dongle Elon Musk had offered to buy out the small business for 44 million dollars. They accepted.

Sherwood, WI – The entrepreneur who stole social media won’t be growing his heart three sizes this holiday season. Instead, he’s drawing criticism from a small town in America’s D…

01/11/2022

"Youth is wasted on the young. Do you know what I would give to have an ass I don’t need to duct tape to my hips again,” she said, eating a mouthful of cheddar Goldfish tipped straight into her mouth from the bag. “All I’m saying is, I get it."

SALEM – Mothers across the country and the admins of at least one online parenting community appear to agree. “The fact of the matter is that the themes of this movie are turning good, …

29/10/2022

“We don’t have a single bag of Dove Promises. Even the variety bags. They got ’em all,” said Plath.

NATIONWIDE – Cavill, scourge of the ordinary-looking nerd, has dated the Vertigo VP for over a year. Drawing considerable ire from Facebook thirstposting groups, the couple has been subject to hara…

08/10/2022

Billy Eichner isn't the only one vocal about – one angry mom is calling for a nationwide boycott of the film.

WELLFLEET, MA – One mom is urging cisgender white millennials to "just say no to Bros," the delightful and well-written romcom that premiered September 30th. In just nine days, the first gay romantic comedy released by a maj

22/09/2022

Every single family member recounted an experience with the silver-haired deathbringer. "It was unbelievable. All 37 families told me that in the days following their loved one's passing, Luann showed up at their door and asked for her Corningware back.

For years, Luann was known to take a Corningware dish of ham salad, a loaf of hickory nut bread, or a plate of cheesy tuna surprise to under-the-weather friends, new neighbors, or the Mayor when she was angling to get a streetlight or pothole fixed. The luxurious texture of her meals were only excee...

21/09/2022

“Reading is like eating Brussels sprouts for me. And talking is like getting the Giorgio Baldi corn ravioli,” said the Beautiful, Dark, Twisted Fantasyland resident. With so many things that Mr. West hates, we thought stopping at one deluded simile was simply not enough. Here are ten other things Kanye West hates compared to food.

With so many things that Mr. West hates, we thought stopping at one deluded simile was simply not enough. Here are ten other things Kanye West hates compared to food.

14/09/2022

The fast-growing empire isn't all milk, cookies, and smiles though. It's also a sordid tale of death, addiction, and too much baking powder.

LINDON – Lines twenty, thirty deep crowd the strip mall – each time someone leaves, another two appear. Glazed-eyed customers, lips chapped from the constant licking as they anticipate their next fix, chatter amongst themselves about flavors they miss, rumors they've heard about next week's offe...

10/09/2022

Another organizer who wishes to remain nameless says they’ve been training sleeper cells to conduct linguistic subversion for years.

LONDON – Supporters of colonization were devastated this week upon learning that the veritable figurehead for brutality endured by countless subjugated territories had died. A former ATS Junior Commander and lover of gin, Queen Elizabeth II died at a balmy 96 at Scotland's Balmoral Castle. She lea...

01/09/2022

The once-beloved Lothario, who gained fame in the 90s for his spot-on portrayal of how trying to become an accomplished artist sinks you into despair and/or the bottom of the Atlantic ocean, has parted ways with model Camila Morrone, 25.

LOS ANGELES – After reports of Hollywood pl***oy Leonardo DiCaprio becoming single again this week, the internet was set ablaze like a dumpster full of classified documents outside of Mar-a-Lago. The once-beloved Lothario, who gained fame in the 90s for his spot-on rendition of trying to become an...

25/08/2022

Viewers that can't wait to judge another flaming trash heap of personal failings will be delighted to hear that TLC has managed to round up another ragtag group of grown adults with limited inhibitions.

Viewers that can't wait to judge another flaming trash heap of personal failings will be delighted to hear that TLC has managed to round up another ragtag group of grown adults with limited inhibitions. Beginning October 1st, you can tune in to the latest spin-off of the 90 Day Fiancé franchise –...

24/08/2022

The coziest time of the year has become synonymous with Pumpkin Spice and Peppermint Mocha flavors, with new options tested annually to see just how much deeper the world can sink in terms of flavor combinations that have been beaten to death.

SEATTLE – White women across the globe felt a twinge in their sacral chakras today as the purveyors of glorified milkshakes and burnt coffee announced the upcoming holiday beverage lineup, and it's not at all what they were expecting.