Depression and Anxiety

03/11/2023

I'm sick of thinking about you. It makes me sad every time I visit our memories and realize how much I miss you. You make me sad when you're there, but you also make me sadder when you're not around. I want to forget everything and start a new life without you, but I don't know where to start when my long time plan is to spend my future with you. I shouldn't think about it anymore. I should forget about it from now on, right? I should remind myself that you already left me, and you left just exactly when I needed you most.

I'm tired of feeling unwanted when all I've ever done is to be there for you. I was there when everybody else have left you. I was there even after you betrayed me. I was still there even after you repeatedly called me worthless. I was still there even after you hurt me a hundred times. But it only takes a minute for you to always choose someone else over me. It only takes a second for you not to care about my feelings. It only takes just a snap of a hand for you to forget about all the sacrifices I made just to stay and love you. I just don't want to remember it anymore.

I hate remembering you in everywhere I go. I hate remembering that you hurt me— the one that I've been loving so dearly. My heart is in pieces every second that I remember you being happy without me while I am here drowning in sadness. I am, and will forever be in pieces by the thought of you falling inlove with someone else, when the saddest story behind is that— I was the one who was always there for you.

02/11/2023

I wish I could love myself like what other people do for themselves. I wish I'd be like others who feel so confident and who always know their worth. Because the truth is, I have so much hate for myself. I hate that I feel so ugly. I hate that I feel so worthless. I hate that I cry so easily. I hate the way I talk, the way I care, and the way I love. I hate that I am never enough for someone. I hate that I can't keep someone I love. I hate that I am so selfless. I hate that I am still a softhearted person even after being abused. I hate that I overthink a lot. And I hate that I am so vulnerable.

I think I hate everything about myself.

I wish I could give myself a warm hug for being too hard on myself. I know that I never deserve all the pain that I am feeling right now. I wish I could stop hating myself even more, but I can't. It feels like my hatred grows each day. I hate myself a little every time somebody makes me feel so worthless. I question my worth every time and love myself less. But I wish I could forgive myself someday.

I am so tired of hating myself. I want to forgive myself for letting everyone hurt me. One day, I wish I could love myself better.

30/10/2023

It's true: healing is easier said than done. Sometimes I would think that I could do it, and to some extent, maybe I'm able to, but some things always end up keeping me awake at 2 AM. Things I'm certain I buried deep in my heart a long time ago.

Sure, the happy days heavily outnumber the nights when I find myself crying for no real reason—when sadness would just overwhelm me out of nowhere—but they still exist. And I feel like to deny those episodes will take away from the joy I feel when my heart is at peace.

You see, my heart and my mind aren't always a calm ocean. There are storms that wreak havoc every now and then. But I'd like to believe that those moments when things are falling apart actually give meaning to the blue skies. That they're the ones that make each beautiful day count. I can live with that.

28/10/2023

I want to go back to that feeling.It's like home is wherenostalgia sits quietly,looking at you and telling youto slow down, for I am young,energetic, and capable ofrelearning things.

Now, I feel like I am too oldto start something new

or sometimes,

too young to be good atsomething.

21/10/2023

13/10/2023

To the person I thought I would spend my lifetime with:

Some things can really change as time goes by. I remember when I was still so in love with you, I would always write a letter for you and tell you how much you meant to me. I used to believe that my feelings for you would never change and that I would always choose to stay with you under any circumstances. God knows that I meant it when I said I would love you unconditionally and grow old with you someday. I swear, I would die every day just to make you the happiest man on earth. But things started to change when you took for granted my love and took advantage of my kindness. I have been hurt over and over again, but I still chose to put up with it just to be with you.

Believe me, I have loved you with everything I have, even if it means leaving nothing for myself. I have loved you the best way I could, and I just wish you've seen and valued that. I have loved you even on the days where I feel like losing myself. I have loved you even on the days where you make me feel terrible about myself, and I have loved you even on the days where you make me feel not enough. I may not be a perfect lover no matter what I do, but I know that I have loved you with all my heart and soul, and with everything that I could offer. But you still didn't learn to value and love me properly. You didn't listen to me when I was dying in pain and sadness. You didn't listen to me when I was begging for you not to do the things that could hurt me. But despite of everything that you did to me, I still chose to look at you as the man that I treasure the most in life.

But I now believe that too much pain can kill the love in someone's heart. Now, I can no longer feel anything but pain, sadness, and hatred towards you. I am no longer the person who loved you before. Could you blame me for feeling this way? I am not heartless; I just learned not to settle for less now. It hurts me to think that I have to let you go. It makes me sad to think that you hurt me so much that I have to leave you. But if the parallel universe really does exist, I hope the two of us are happy together. In a parallel universe, I hope you are treating me right and making me happy. In that place, I hope we'll get to grow old and spend our lifetime together.

13/10/2023

Don't underestimate your own power and will to survive—you didn't get here tonight out of luck, it's your own decision and desire to still see what the future has in-store for you, despite it giving you too much pain to endure. See, it was a difficult battle to overcome, but you've made it out of the warzone; the process was no joke at all. But keep in mind that after the struggle, you have wounds to tend to and bruises to mend. And alike what you've been to, it isn't an easy process to begin with, but trust me—it will be worth it.

You've managed to stay alive after the war, now it's the time to cure the injuries you've got from it. This is to remind you that you may not be fully healed yet, but you've already come so far, my dear.

19/09/2023

Life lately has never been easy; it is tiresome.

Having dreams to pursue, goals to achieve, and family, friends, and a special someone to love and live for is indeed the best thing we could have in this entire universe, but despite those, there are still days that the weight of the world on our shoulders is heavier than the warmth of their love; their presence does not always fuel our will to live but rather sometimes burns us alive with their endless demand. Even dreaming doesn't add sense to life.

I am so tired of the changing demands of life and standards that do not cater to diversity and one's uniqueness that I long for a moment of peace—to breathe, to be mindful of my existence, and to take back the navigation wheel of my own ship.

I want to understand myself deeply beneath the skin that covers me. To realize my purpose and to live the life I desire in simplicity—no pressure, no demands, just me, being at peace.

14/09/2023

Invisible Walls

I guess not everyone is born a fighter, and I'ma too weak to even tell people what I really feel. But somehow, I hope they can see through the walls I had to build around me, the ones that I put up to save myself for once. I hone t people I love can hear the silent cries behind my straight face, the constant longing for the simple, beautiful things like warm hugs. I wish they know that inside this armor ic someone who just wants to be heard. Understood. That there are days when I just don't want to fight battles anymore, and a thousand nights when I crave free love because I don't think I have anything left to give.

I really hope they know.

27/08/2023

I'm so sick of all the people who hurt me, and then they act as if there's nothing wrong with it. I hate being very forgiving. I know that nobody is perfect, and we all make mistakes. But it is not a valid reason to hurt someone. I wish they would understand how painful it is to bear everything that they do to me, even if I pretend that I am still okay. I am so sick of everyone who makes me feel terrible about myself. They will hurt me and do everything to make me feel small, and then they will blame me for the way I reacted. Their insensitivity makes me feel like I don't even have the right to complain about the pain that I receive from them. These things are making me sick, and I even wish I could just disappear so I could never see them again.

I wish people would learn how to be kind to others. Sometimes, I wish I could control how they treat me. It's just sad that we can't force them to do good things for others. We can't control someone's actions and words. I want to be patient with others, but sometimes I can't take it anymore. I am so sick of tolerating the wrong behaviors of others. I am so sick of being treated poorly. And I am so sick of forgiving people and watching them do the things that could hurt me over and over again. I am so sick of people, and I am so sick of them for making me feel so unwanted and unlovable.

20/08/2023

I hope you will never regret having a good heart. Maybe some people can't appreciate what you do for them, and some will even take you for granted, but I hope you will still never get tired of being kind to people. The world needs more people like you. I know it's sad sometimes when people can't return the respect, love, and understanding that you show them. It makes you feel vulnerable, and sometimes it makes you think that being kind will only lead you to getting hurt over and over again. But I hope you also know that you do not deserve to be treated poorly. You don't deserve to be taken advantage of, and you don't deserve to be hurt despite of being genuine with people. Despite of that, you must still know that having a good heart is the best thing about you. Please don't change just because some people can't match the kindness that you give to them.

The way other people treat you doesn't define who you are. Know that there is nothing wrong about you. You might think that being too kind is a curse sometimes, but I hope you know that you are a blessing to somebody else out there. I hope you will never get tired of spreading your love and kindness. Someday, the universe will find a way to repay all the kindness that you often give to people. And maybe one day you will realize that there is nothing to regret about being kind and compassionate.

19/08/2023

Sometimes, I get woken up in the middle of the night by the questions—or they hit me when I'm walking my way home and all I can do is fight the tears. The questions are always there, but some nights they just hit different. Or maybe I just spend my days being busy, trying to figure out where to go, when in fact I don't have the slightest idea and just merely letting things take their course.

How I wish this fog will clear. How I hope I know which way to go. Because life's being bearable, but most times, I feel like I'm just stuck between nowhere and goodbyes, telling the stars about other people's wishes.

18/08/2023

I'm not good with people. I don't talk a lot, I don't smile a lot. I hate shallow conversations and unfunny jokes, and I always distance myself from the crowd whenever I can. I just like it that way. But even so, my heart longs for the love that would talk to my soul when my lips can't find the words to utter. I long for someone who understands my silence but knows when it's too much, someone willing to make funny faces just so I can crack a smile. I want someone to break the walls I had to put up some time ago. And while I know that this might be the most selfish thing to ask for, I want that kind of love to save me.

09/08/2023

I understand people who choose to keep all their problems to themselves instead of reaching out to others for help. I understand them for choosing to be alone instead of being around with people. Some people might never understand, but I know that they don't want to reach out because they are afraid to be invalidated. What people don't know is that they've already heard enough from toxic people. They've already been told that their problems are nothing compared to those of other people. They've already been told that it's just in their heads. That what they feel is not even a big deal because some people are going through the same thing. You see, some people are secretly dying inside, but they still continue to hide it because not everyone will understand them. You can't really blame those people who chose to keep their feelings to themselves because I know somehow that they've tried to talk about their feelings to someone, yet some people made them feel like their feelings were so unimportant. It's sad to think that some people have to face all their battles alone because they do not receive the support that they need. And it's sadder because the ones that we are hoping to understand us better are sometimes the first to make us feel invalidated.

29/07/2023

We are trying to survive every day, and we try to convince ourselves that everything will be okay.

I know most of us are already tired now. Most of us are barely breathing, and we will just walk in crowded places as if everything we feel is normal. But the truth is, most of us have changed a lot. Most of us are lonely people who walk down the street with tired eyes. Weak smiles, straight faces, and a chaotic mind. How long will we pretend that we're just fine when everything in our lives is slowly falling apart?

I know most of us are already thinking about giving up but are still silently wishing to be saved immediately. Most of us are not living anymore because we are only surviving. Heavy hearts and losing minds. Why does it feel so hard for us to live a peaceful life? I know most of us silently wish for our lives to be more bearable. It is not easy, and it will never be easy unless everything that we feel right now just disappears.

We try to convince ourselves that everything will be okay, hoping that we will have the courage to face the world every day. Heal, live, and pray. I know that it's not easy. But sometimes, all we have to do is to keep going.

23/07/2023

"Sometimes, crying is the only way your eyes speak when your mouth can't explain how broken your heart is." - Unknown

09/07/2023

There are times where I feel like I'm slowly drowning in sadness. I honestly don't know how to deal with it especially when midnight arrives and I couldn't sleep because of it. It hurts to see me this way, I feel like I spend so much time being sad about the things that I couldn't control. Sometimes, I wake-up feeling so unhappy and it makes me want to sleep for a long period of time until every thing feels okay again. But why do I feel this constant sadness in my heart? I guess there are just really some people in my life that make me sad. There are just some things that I couldn't control in my head and I feel like I would always remember all those things that once hurt me. I wish I could just simply let go of this sadness. But how could I ever do that when every time I wake-up, I feel like my heart is tearing apart?

08/07/2023

04/07/2023

Note to myself:

Allow yourself to be happy. I know how much heartache you have been through and how much sadness you have held in your heart lately. I know that sometimes you question your worth because you feel like you're not enough in every aspect. But today, I want you to know that you deserve to be happy. I want you to not settle for less than what you deserve and start appreciating yourself more often. I want you to be the best version of yourself, not to please others, but to be proud of yourself. Slowly, I hope you sow love within yourself so that it never grows into hatred.

I want you to see your worth because all this time you have been treating yourself poorly. I know how kind you are to others, but please don't forget to be kind to yourself as well. Know within yourself that you are valuable. I want you to know that you don't deserve all the pain you have received and endured for so long. Allow yourself to heal too. Not everything is meant to break you, and so are you. I know it's not easy right now because for a long time you believed that you will never be okay. That you will never be happy. But today, I want you to remind yourself that it's never too late to become a better and happier version of yourself. And one day, I hope you finally realize that if you treat yourself right and love yourself, you will feel more deserving.

30/06/2023

Sometimes, I feel like I can't even bear to see myself in the mirror. I hate myself a lot. I feel so sick of lying to myself that maybe someday, I'd learn to love myself. There are times where I cry alone in my room because I hate everything about me. I hate my face, my body, and my mind. I hate the way I love, the way I get angry, and the way I think about myself. I hate that I can't even see my worth.

I wish I could tell myself to stop feeling worthless. I want to tell myself that whatever I feel about myself is valid, and it's okay. And someday, I hope I'd learn to appreciate myself little by little. I hope all my agony of hating myself will come to an end. It hurts a lot to see myself being unhappy with the person that I have become. And it hurts because I can't do anything about it. I just wish I could find a reason to love myself again someday.

21/06/2023

The problem with me is that, I couldn't stop overthinking. There are lots of thoughts in my head and sometimes it hurts me. I get sad over the things that I think at night and the fact that it continues to ruin my emotion makes me want to scream out of frustration. I usually tell myself that it's going to be okay, but every night, I just find myself tearing apart because of the thoughts that I keep in my head. I am so tired of staying awake until dawn, thinking about the things that hurt my feelings. Sometimes, I just want to sleep until everything feels alright again.

If only I could force my mind to stop overthinking, maybe everything would feel better. But no matter what I do to control my thoughts and emotions, it still appear out of nowhere. It makes me feel so unhappy and it gives me reasons to feel terrible about myself. Those unwanted thoughts that I have in my head makes me feel miserable. It's me versus the chaos in my mind. And sometimes, I admit that I am losing in this silent battle.

19/06/2023

I've come to realize that I am not living anymore, I am only surviving. Sometimes, I ask myself, what's the purpose of this life? Why am I even alive if I feel so dead inside? I feel like I have no place in this world. That I belong to nowhere, and I am only lost in the dark. And because I've never meet happiness in my life, I wonder how it feels like. I've been searching for it in many places but it never came my way. I guess I am destined to be lonely.

The truth is, I envy people who have an idea about the purpose of their life. I envy people who became familiar with the taste of happiness. I envy people who live their life to the fullest. I envy people who are too afraid to die. Maybe because I am more afraid to live in misery. I am so scared to die lonely. And maybe, right now, I am just so scared that I might never want to live anymore.

16/06/2023

I fear of not being good enough to someone. Whenever I love, I make sure to give my all. But I fear of not being loved back in return. I fear that one day, I'm just left with the broken pieces of me. Unloved and unwanted. I hope to find a love that will constantly reassure me with love and understanding. I hope to find someone who would never make me feel like I'm not enough.

It's hard for me to trust again. There is always a fear in me every time I love— afraid that I might be taken for granted again, afraid that I might be abandoned again, and afraid that I might be betrayed again.

I fear of not being good enough to someone. Even just for once, I want to be enough for someone. I want to be loved genuinely, and I also want to be kept and held by the arms of a safe and loving person.

12/06/2023

It is not a weakness to admit when you're feeling down. It is not a weakness to struggle with mental illness. It is not a weakness to feel suicidal. However, we cannot forever run away from ourselves, endlessly reset our lives, hoping that the next throw of the dice will bring something better.

09/06/2023

I might have lied when I said I'm fine. Perhaps I couldn't truly admit to myself that I'm not okay all the way through. I may seem strong and brave on the outside, but deep down, I still feel hurt and lonely. The truth is, I never know how to be truly okay. There are times when I feel an intense pain in my chest. Sometimes I feel like I've lost myself and I don't really know how to start loving myself again. I just hate feeling this way, and I hate it even more because it's just who I am, myself.

There are moments when I fall apart, realizing how unhappy I am. I'm sure this is not the life I wanted. But it saddens me that in the end, I feel so disheartened just by existing. Sometimes the worst feeling is when you desperately want to be happy, but the world doesn't allow you to have that happiness and inner peace. You see, all I ever want is to be okay, but in the end, I always force myself to smile through tearful eyes. I grieve with a heavy heart during the nights.

03/06/2023

Sometimes I feel so alone even when I'm surrounded with people. I feel so empty even when some people try to make me happy. I'm so sick of this feeling. I feel so incomplete and a part of me feels so broken. My mind couldn't stop thinking too much. There is a monster inside my head that tells me I'm worthless, I'm miserable, and I'm completely lost in the dark.

I feel like I am slowly losing myself. And I'm silently tearing apart for the fact that I couldn't even help myself. This life feels like a nightmare to me. I wish I would wake-up feeling something again. One day, I wish all the negative feelings I have will just be gone so that I could live a normal life.