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18/11/2019

Dairy heiress Teetiana Paine has been removed as a speaker at the upcoming Australian Dairy Conference.

Paine was to present a session titled "Minimising female cow welfare issues in the media", but has succumbed to mastitis.

"It's really bad, I can barely leave the house!" said Paine.

A replacement speaker is waiting to be forcibly bred.

01/11/2019

Four-year-old 100m hopefull Tim Overton has been humanely put down on the local Braidwood playing field after suffering a career-ending leg injury.

Parents of the child say they are disappointed his career has ended after costing them well over $20,000.

This marks the 89th euthanased youth this year on athletics tracks, down from 112 last year.

Local doctors say there was nothing more they could do for the boy, "with an injury like that there is no running career ahead for the young man, it's best to end his suffering now".

18/10/2019

Local hat maker sold out of new fascinator with built-in blinders.

“They really help you avoid making eye contact with the protestors at the racecourse and they are very on-trend!” says Queanbeyan woman Eleyesa Fronte “if only they came with earplugs too - why can’t they all get jobs and leave us all to enjoy a day off to enjoy the races?”

As a bonus, the fascinator is comfortable enough to wear off the track to avoid inconvenient exposés showing ex-racers being repeatedly bolted in the head.

No word yet on how many horses are expected to die at the Melbourne Cup this year but bookies have decent odds on at least one fatality.

02/10/2019

"We didn't mean THAT truth," said lobby representative.

The lobby group who called for a "truth in labeling" are now backpedaling after being forced to label the truth behind the body parts and secretions of forcibly bred, confined, tortured and murdered sentient beings.

Bridget Mckenzie, the minister for agriculture, has refused to comment.

29/09/2019

A group of concerned farmers have uncovered what could be a ring of vegan terrorist training camps.

Dairy farmer, Babs Steeler, was trying to order a glass of milk from a cafe while visiting her daughter in inner city Melbourne when she noticed they only served vegan food.

"I was shocked," said Steeler. "To think that in Australia we have these terrorist organisations setting up business out in the open. It's so brazen, they are on every bloody corner! They all looked really fit and healthy too, they must be preparing for war!"

More to come.

18/09/2019

Farmers around Australia will be joining the national day of action to finally see the appreciation they deserve.

"For 231 years we farmers have proudly cleared the land, dried up the rivers, killed or relocated the Indigenous folk and gotten rid of those annoying animals that can't be farmed," said 6th generation grazier Diane Rivers from NSW

"Farmers are the backbone of this country, it's good to see the city folk finally having a march in our honour," added Meat and Livestock Australia representative Len Cleary

“We might be only a tiny fraction of the Australian population but given that 56% of Australia’s landmass is used for animal agriculture, we certainly punch above our weight when it comes to climate change!”

16/09/2019

Peanut Butter producers are calling for a ban on coagulated cow secretions using the term "butter" in their bid to reclaim the term.

"It's too confusing for the consumer, we need truth in advertising." said a representative from lobby group Peanutters United. "The term "butter" is misleading, deceptive and harmful to the peanut industry. We've become a shell of our former self competing with these imposters!"

The NSW-based lobby group is calling for a "truth in labelling" law to stop companies from using the ambiguous term.

03/09/2019

The Menindee (NSW) community is stunned after finding the local pool drained of water. Local pool manager and farmer Darren Parch, 52, is investigating the situation.

"I'm bamboozled," said Parch who just bought a new truck (pictured). "It's not too big a setback, we've had a surprisingly good year for our farm during the drought, so our pool should do just fine"

"Unfortunately the security cameras had been removed when the new management took over," said the cousin of pool manager and local chief of police.

"These thieves are robbing our kids of a future, it's sink or swim out here!" said local mother.

30/08/2019

A Gippsland group of fishermen are calling for a ban on plastic straws in the region to help save the local fish population.

"These single-use plastics are no good for the fish," said local angler Ray Batey.

"Can you imagine getting a straw stuck in your mouth? It must be horrible for the fish" continued Ray while baiting a large sharp hook.

20/08/2019

Australian farmers plea for government help on climate change after the worst drought on record continues.

"If only we had some government assistance to help fix these problems" said 4th generation grazier Theresa Gorn.

"Everybody knows farmers are the real conservationists, which is why we are asking for funding that usually goes to inner-city lefty eggheads to be re-routed to us so we can fix this situation."
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16/08/2019

The Last Straw is proudly sponsored by Pure Pooch. Support the dog farmers and fetch the all-new dog milk range at your local retailers nationwide.

12/08/2019

After watching today's senate hearings into the proposed ag-gag laws, it has been reported that Ivan Milat has consulted with his legal team about whether he could have his murders classified as "humane slaughter" thus exempting him from the usual laws surrounding brutal murders and enabling his freedom to pursue further killings.

It is believed that the repeated reference to "humane" slaughter by Northern Territory senator Sam MacMahon, and the exemption that animal agriculture has when it comes to animal welfare laws, has given the serial murderer the idea.

In a rare public statement, the state of NSW's Public Prosecution Office has thrown water on the potential for this avenue of appeal.

"Frankly, it's an absurd proposition - just because you call stabbing a sentient being 'humane' doesn't make it so. These are individuals who died screaming for their lives and who despite being paralysed and unable to fight back, were fully conscious for the remainder of the stabbings. Only a truly unhinged individual would see no issue with these acts of violence".

09/08/2019

In the interest of community engagement and public image, farmers passed the motion that all relevant parties in livestock industries use the term 'laughter' in lieu of, and to the complete exclusion of the term 'slaughter'.

The decision was made after workshopping various alternatives such as 'forever bedtime' and 'last cuddle'.

'Laughter' was eventually chosen due to its ease of transition. Goulburn Slaughterhouse owner Ruth Lessely said "it means we don't have to change our signage, we just kill the 's' from 'slaughter house' to 'laughter house'.

Abby Tware from the Southern Highland branch who put forward the motion said there was unfortunate connotations with the word slaughter.

Abby said "The word slaughter is not appropriate for our industry as we are processing animals through the various stages that end up for food. It's not a mass murder."

By changing the terminology it would "minimise the impact of this detrimental emotive arguments by collared-green criminals trying to speak the truth".

07/08/2019

In an attempt to help the faltering meat and livestock industry, the federal government has today announced a “primary consumers” subsidy to assist individuals increase their meat, egg and dairy intake.

“I’ve been telling every vegan I see that I’ll eat double the amount of steak to make up for their weak diet but truth be told, I really can’t afford to keep it up.” says local online meat activist Artie Clogg.

No word yet on whether the Medicare subsidy for gastroenterology will also be increased in line with this announcement.

05/08/2019

The widely circulated publications collate public information about the addresses and contact details of businesses. ⠀⠀⠀⠀
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"The books are attack maps for activists" noted piggery owner Mick Cottonon, of Narrandera NSW. "We've had enough of our publicly available information being made public for every man and his dog to see!" ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
We reached out to the Yellow pages for comment and they responded that the Yellow pages provided “Transparency, honesty and openness as well as business hours and means of contacting businesses. We're just thrilled to still be as relevant in 2019 as we were in 1980!" ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
Agriculture minister and opacity advocate Bridget McKenzie disagrees, saying that "They should stop being so reckless and pull the books from circulation before someone is killed.” Ms McKenzie noted the department is looking into a public burning of the books to send a message to would be collared-green criminals

01/08/2019

Matthew Evans continues to celebrate what he calls “ethical meat consumption” by partnering with Canine Cuts to launch their range of small (dog) goods.

“I raise pigs for meat and they are really just like dogs so it made sense to me, an ethical meat advocate, to endorse this wonderful product!”

Matthew Evans describes the farm as “idyllic and peaceful” where the dogs can engage in natural behaviours such as forming close family groups, digging, and playing. He says that the meat tastes far better than meat from intensive dog farms.

“Of course it’s a bit sad saying goodbye to the year-old pups as they get loaded onto the trucks but I know they’ve had a good life so it’s okay” says dog farmer and director of Canine Cuts Judy Iscariot “They know you and trust you so they don’t suspect a thing! It helps keep them tender when they are calm”

30/07/2019

“It’s about time! We’ve been trying for 231 years to get these eco-terrorists to stop trampling in here creating biosecurity risks” said a local elder.

30/07/2019

Nationals MP and minister for agriculture Bridget McKenzie today opened the first cat milk farm today in Benalla ⠀⠀⠀⠀
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“Milk is in my blood” she says “and I welcome this innovative operation to both manage the feral cat population and keep this country awash in creamy goodness. You thought herding cats was hard, try milking them!”

30/07/2019

Australian farmers reportedly “outraged” by animal activist charity “Buy a Bail”. The charity was set up to help animal rights activists facing exorbitant fines and imprisonment for exposing ongoing and inherent cruelty in the industry.
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“The agricultural industry and community have had a gutful. These thugs are not only coming out here armed with cameras, but now they are stealing our bloody ideas too!” said Jerilderie grazier Marie Noe, 54.

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