24/12/2023
I'm not on here much anymore, especially during the holidays. I know I'm not alone when I express that it's a reminder of the family I don't have. Couple it up w the last few hardest years of my life, theft of alot of my possessions, health issues, bad luck, injuries, loss of love ones, and loss of life , and "just life" in general, it's not a shocker, deep feelings of depression, and sadness, feel oh so familiar. While others have routines, and regular activities that they do every year, or traditions, I find the holidays really show me, what I want to not think about, family.
I know that I have another side of my family I know nothing about. I've asked questions growing up about them. All replies either left me with more confusion and questions I had about timeliness etc,, all just confused me more..
I started briefly talking to a half sister that I have from my dad's side, she's the one that told me of my father's death last year. We shared some history from both of our life's, and then a couple days ago, she sent me a book. It's written by another half brother I've never met. It speaks of his upbringing, our common father, and our similar relationship , or lack of one with him. It's talks about his time line that leads into the year I was born and to current times. I picked the book up,
And before I knew it, morning had arrived, and I needed to get ready for work. Seemed like 5 min, but really had been about 7 to 8 hours.
The book isn't about me, but I felt like it was . All the questions that none of my side of the family would respond to, or fill me in, or just be honest to me about.,was layed out in my hands. It doesn't answer everything but for some reason, gave me the peace I've been looking for, and a moment of serenity, I've rarely if ever , have felt. I've never met the author, which is my half brother, both our lives are so so common. He speaks of struggles, and surviving this and other tragedies throughout life. His story isn't happy, but he navigated it. , and found happiness. This like a light switch, gave me some peace, and hope to change your level of happiness., my level of happiness.
I'm not gonna try, I'm gonna change my view of the holidays. Starting with my attitude. I'm gonna start building traditions, that I choose, and share them with the people I care about. I'm gonna learn how to be more present, and in the moment. I'm gonna wash my hands of my negative past., for it no longer is needed or wanted. I'm gonna just step over and move past it.. I all of a sudden feel lighter, less of a burden. Im starting to build new foundations im investing in , and creating a new outlook, with people and moments, that I've not known before. I think this may be the beginning of happiness, and not a moment to soon.
If u are still reading this, thanks. Writing this makes the start of this real for me. I would love to say thanks to my brother James A.Haas, that I've never met., for we are strangers, your book of your, and our family has helped. Maybe we can share a conversation sometime soon brother.
