TheGlowt

30/01/2023

Ya know, just for future reference...

Your honey, your bae, your sexy guy….is a piece of crap, no-good, lying scum bucket! After grabbing his phone while he was in the shower and seeing more than one girl had slid into his DMs and were sending collarbone pics...ugh that’s like the sexiest bone! And you thought he was the one...oh we...

29/12/2022

Primarily how you look like s**t with a middle part and relaxed fit wide leg jeans.

Yeah, you lost weight but guys are looking for women with thick thighs and dump truck asses. Yeah, you learned to play guitar but no one wants to hear sad Ed Sheeran covers (the only songs you've learned). Yeah, you read more often but now won't stop raving like a lunatic about Dostoyevsky, telling....

29/12/2022

Now we totally get it!

Whenever my best friend Geenah tells me about something terrible she did, like cheating on her boyfriend, stealing money from her sister’s wallet, or putting laxatives in her co-worker’s coffee, she always finishes the story with, “I am such a Taurus!” Today, I found out she’s been reading...

28/12/2022

We suggest you speak with your crystal advisor before participating in a cleanse.

Nothing But Coffee: Just, drink coffee the entire time. Seven days ought to do it. Three times a day. You’ll feel so good at the end, and you definitely won’t need to be rushed to the hospital by the end of it! Sugarfree Gummi Bears and Ci******es: These will flush you right out, and the chain s...

27/12/2022

Crayon your way to a less depressing night.

Yeah, sure, we'd all like to be out wearing flapper dresses at the club like we did last year (it's the '20s again, lol!) but we can't. So just sit your ass down, grab some crayons and color in the lines of your favorite adult coloring books. Here are just a few of the adult coloring books The Glowt...

10/11/2022

Either tag me in an inspirational post about friendship or be gone.

Gratitude in daily life is so important and essential to a peaceful and happy life. That’s why it’s also important for my friends to show their gratitude to me, on a daily basis. When Sheighla lost her cat, instead of helping to look, who told her which neighborhood group chats to post on and wi...

09/11/2022

If you say them five times fast the death fairy will come down and take your soul to dreamland.

We all need an outlet for our emotions. Transcendental meditation is proven to be an excellent method to calm you in times of stress or crisis. Try these mantras out when you're ready to accept the nothingness that exists in your world. #1: The void is my home. It is where I belong. #2: Owning a hou...

08/11/2022

Check out our TikTok! But only if you are serious about it. Like, don't waste our time...

08/11/2022

Might as well make your coffin look cozy!

Maybe you can get another cat too! A faded painting of a cheery carnival scene. You’ll need to remember that people have fun, unlike you and your daily wallowing in loneliness. A black-and-white photo of your one true love that died in the war. What war? Visitors ask...does it really matter? He’...

04/11/2022

Check out our new Glowt for Men section for articles about brewskis, broskis and skis.

Dating Linda was like a dream. She was sexy, smart, a great dancer with a fantastic sense of humor. We got along so well and even started talking about our future plans and possibly moving in together. But how am I supposed to settle for just one person when once in a while I just want some strange?...

02/11/2022

Beauty products with you in mind...and every single other person on the planet.

A makeup designed specifically for you, and everyone else. Made from the finest herbs and oils from one of those blood diamond countries. Slight tingling/burning sensation may occur...but you’ll look hot as f**k! $499.99 and a drop of blood per 1 oz bottle. Look more like us and less like you with...

01/11/2022

For when your maid is out sick.

Tired of seeing your house in disarray because you're too busy snorting co***ne and sleeping with the pool boy to do anything about it? Why'd you have kids if not to have cheap (or free) labor! Tell little Susie to mop the floors while you enjoy a margarita by the pool. Make little Billy scrub the t...

29/10/2022

For the love of god, please flush the toilet!

All I wanted was to relieve myself of the cramps I had from eating the Taco Bell I got for the road. How would I know that a self-administered e***a full of coffee would be dangerous? The cramps were so unbearable (thanks to a loaded Crunchwrap supreme and two bean burritos) that the only place I co...

28/10/2022

Time to slay!

We've all been there – it's the morning of your big dinner party and you've got a dead body in the trunk. Not only is the cake still at the bakery and your dress at the dry cleaners, but all of your best knives are covered in hookers' blood. Don't worry, we've got you covered. Here's how to still ...

27/10/2022

How am I gonna find a boyfriend now?!

My friend Jehsyka told me one day my face was looking like trash. She told me about a place I could go and get FREE mud to clear up my skin. "Free mud?!" I squealed. She had me hook, line, and sinker from the get-go. Jehsyka took me to a place on the outskirts of town. I guess you could call it an o...

26/10/2022

I don't know, I just don't fit in with most girls.

Halloween is the perfect time for quirky, original girls like you to show the world how different you are from all the wh**es who are walking the streets in their underwear. That's just not something you're into. You don't have to dress like that to feel good about yourself; you only have to bring i...

25/10/2022

Calling the cops on little Johnny just to feel something.
http://mvnt.us/m1259278

02/07/2022

What better way to show my patriotism than by abandoning my children?

Every year I make a commitment to celebrate Independence Day by reclaiming my own independence from my obnoxious children and bumbling husband. I get the f**k outta dodge. As soon as I see those fireworks stands start popping up around town, I begin to salivate. I'll be heading west as soon as the c...