29/03/2025
Redefining Masculinity: Strength Beyond the Stereotype
Masculinity is often reduced to dominance, aggression, and brute strength. But at its core, masculinity is simply an energy. It is the steady force that provides direction, the rock that holds firm amid the chaos of the world.
Yet, when masculinity is narrowly defined by physical power, it excludes men whose strength doesn’t fit conventional molds—especially men with disabilities. Society struggles to see us as fully masculine, and as a result, we often struggle to see it in ourselves.
Robert Glover, in No More Mr. Nice Guy, talks about how many men have internalized the idea that they must earn validation from the world. For men with disabilities, this is especially true. The world does not naturally reflect our masculinity back to us, so we may feel the need to prove it—whether through achievement, independence, or overcompensation in traditionally masculine areas. But true masculinity is not about proving anything. It is about embodying values, leading with integrity, and standing firm in who we are, regardless of how the world responds.
The Overlooked Balance of Masculine and Feminine Energy
Another common misconception about masculinity is that it exists in isolation. In reality, every man has both masculine and feminine energy, and our circumstances often require us to use both.
David Deida, in The Way of the Superior Man, describes masculine energy as structured, directive, and mission-driven, while feminine energy is fluid, creative, and nurturing. Both are necessary, but our culture does a poor job of acknowledging this balance.
I’ve personally seen how even mentioning this balance can create discomfort. I once told a man that his natural way of being leaned more into feminine energy, and he was deeply offended—as if I had questioned his manhood. This reaction reveals how much we misunderstand these energies. Neither is superior, and neither defines our worth.
For men with disabilities, this balance is especially crucial. We often face situations that demand adaptability (a more feminine trait) while also requiring us to stand firm in our identity (a masculine trait). Yet, because traditional masculinity is so narrowly defined, we rarely give ourselves permission to embrace this full spectrum.
John Wineland, a leading teacher on embodied masculinity, says that mature masculinity is about holding space—not just for ourselves, but for others. A truly masculine man does not need to dominate. He needs to be present. And presence is something that is cultivated internally, not externally.
Fathers and the Complexity of Masculine Identity
Much of our understanding of masculinity comes from our fathers—or the absence of them. We rise to the level of our modeling, and whether consciously or unconsciously, we often seek our fathers' approval in how we show up as men.
Traver Boehm, in Man Uncivilized, emphasizes the importance of breaking generational cycles. He argues that many men inherit an outdated blueprint of masculinity that does not serve them, yet they cling to it because it’s all they know.
For men with disabilities, this relationship can be even more complex. A father may have had a vision of what raising a son would look like—playing sports, roughhousing, teaching him how to be strong in a traditional sense. When a disability shifts that vision, it doesn’t mean the dream is lost, but it does mean it will look different. That difference can create tension, not necessarily out of a lack of love, but out of uncertainty.
If a father does not have a disability himself, he may struggle to offer guidance in ways that resonate. He may push his son toward an ideal of masculinity that doesn’t feel fully attainable, or he may overcompensate by shielding him from challenge altogether. Over time, we come to understand that our fathers were doing the best they could, just as we are. But that desire to make them proud never really leaves.
The War Within: When Identity Clashes with Expectation
Connor Beaton, founder of ManTalks, often says that “every man carries a shadow.” The greatest battle we face is not with the world, but with ourselves.
Every problem is an identity problem.
Men experience an internal struggle that often goes unnoticed by the world. We have a deep knowing of who we are, yet we are constantly told that who we are is not who we should be. The tension between internal truth and external expectation creates a silent war within.
For men with disabilities, this struggle can be even more profound. From a young age, we are given subtle and not-so-subtle messages about our limitations. We may feel we have to prove our masculinity in ways that others do not, or we may feel pressured to abandon parts of ourselves to fit societal expectations.
And yet, within each of us is a little boy who once existed freely—before the world told him who he should be. Too often, that boy gets buried beneath survival strategies. Reconnecting with him—honoring his desires, his dreams, his essence—is one of the greatest acts of self-reclamation a man can undertake.
Brotherhood and the Need for Rites of Passage
Masculinity is not a solo pursuit. Brotherhood matters.
Traver Boehm writes about the “initiated man,” a man who has gone through challenges that force him to grow. But in today’s world, men rarely have true rites of passage. In many cultures, young men undergo initiation processes that test their resilience, push them beyond their limits, and affirm their place within the community. These experiences shape a man’s identity in ways that words alone cannot.
This raises an important question: What would rites of passage look like for men with disabilities?
Many traditional rites of passage emphasize physical endurance, but what if we redefined them? What if a rite of passage for a man with a disability was about reclaiming agency over his body in a way that felt true to him? What if it was about navigating independence, mastering a craft, or stepping into leadership? What if it was about facing fears—not to conform to an arbitrary standard of toughness, but to cultivate inner resilience?
Creating new rites of passage—ones that honor all expressions of masculinity—is a challenge worth taking on.
Final Thoughts
Masculinity is not about proving strength in the way the world defines it. It is about standing firm in who you are, leading with integrity, and serving with purpose. It is about balancing structure and adaptability, embracing both the warrior and the nurturer within.
For men with disabilities, the journey to reclaiming masculinity is layered with unique challenges—but also with profound opportunities. By redefining strength, embracing brotherhood, and creating our own rites of passage, we can forge a new narrative—one that honors the fullness of what it means to be a man.
