The After Glow Trauma Recovery

29/03/2024

I came across a photo the other day, it was of a friend of mine and I. This photo brought back memories that I didn't even know I had forgotten. We were hanging out bowling with some other friends of ours. Once I left I was met with degrading comments. I was belittled for meeting my friend at a bowling alley. It was constantly thrown in my face. He said, "You just go to bars with single people." I tried to defend myself and say "It's a bowling alley, not a bar." His response was "Well it's got a bar inside, right? Ok then, it's a bar. So much for you being different than other women."

These were the red flags I was constantly ignoring. This was the behavior that I defended. This was the behavior that constantly had me apologizing for what I had done...which was absolutely nothing.

That night ended in a fight, followed by it being thrown in my face any chance he got.

You see in the photo I was all smiles, so at first glance it looks like a happy memory. When you're dealing with abuse you get really good at faking the smiles. The relationship looks good to everyone on the outside. But the memories that hit when you see a photo, my friends will look at that same photo and remember a good time, smiles, laughs. When I see that photo, my memories are a little different. I'm reminded of abuse, screaming, tears, fighting. That's not love.

This type of behavior is never ok. No woman or man should ever have to go through something like this and think it's love. It is the farthest thing from love.

Have you ever had to fake it till you make it?

20/03/2024

How do you start your mornings?

20/03/2024

Abuse isn't just physical.

Maybe he hugged you and told you how you're the most important thing in the world to him...only to be locking you in a basement because you confronted him about cheating and started packing your bags.

Maybe he said he was sorry and that he was just angry as he walked out the door...only to come back later and scream in your face as he uses his hands to make a necklace and tells you how worthless you are. Calling you names as he chases you out of the house and down the driveway while you're trying to call authorities.

On a Wednesday morning, he gave you a hug and kiss goodbye...only to send hateful texts and voicemails screaming at you because you've finally had enough and put your foot down.

On a Wednesday night after screaming at you all day he comes to bed begging for you to love him and give him another chance, and you are screamed at again for asking to be left alone.

One day he asks you to marry him at the courthouse...only to call you worthless because you say no.

One day he begs for your love and leaves flowers on your doorstep...only because he has taken another woman out to dinner.

He tells you you're the most beautiful woman he's ever seen...only after he just picked apart everything he would change about you.

If you can relate to any of this I am so sorry. From the bottom of my heart, this is not what love is. Someone who truly loves you would never speak to or treat you in a manner that would hurt you physically, mentally, or emotionally.

What are some things you may have experienced?

13/03/2024

He broke her down till she was nothing
He made her feel so small
She lies awake staring at the ceiling
Just wanting for all the pain to end
Just wanting to smile again

He made her feel so weak
She wonders how she can ever forgive herself
For giving him the control
She's on the path to letting this all go

She will have her life back
She will be herself again
Her smile will be real this time

Locked in this prison of her own mind
These voices say things that are so unkind
She plays her music loud
Try to drown her thoughts

She’ll never be good enough
Why try so hard, give up

She tries to find peace at the bottom of this bottle
Her depression speeds to full throttle
Demons come after her
When will the pain inside finally end

She tries so hard to put these broken pieces back together
Unfortunately, some of her pieces have gone missing

12/03/2024

New Merch!

08/03/2024

It's crazy how our minds hang on to certain things. Memories that are so vivid. One day you wake up and one of the most important people in your life is just gone. Years down the road and you still are reliving those very memories.

One day your world crashes to the ground and you wonder how can everyone just keep going like nothing ever happened. You just want there to be a pause, for things to just stop, for the earth to just stop spinning for just a moment.

You wonder how much you can cry without becoming dehydrated. You will be surrounded by those who love you for a few days to make sure that you're ok. You stay strong for them, making them believe you are fine. In the following days, it dwindles down. You find yourself now on your own. You now have to learn to adapt to the loss.

When you lose someone that was a part of your daily life, you see them everywhere, except, you don't see them. That's the hardest part when something sparks a memory of them and you are hit with the realization that they are no longer with us. It's when you call their number but they don't pick up. It's when you see their truck, but they aren't the ones driving it anymore. It's when you think you hear their voice so you turn around only to find they are nowhere to be found.

As the years go by you figure out how to make it through life with this change. You adapt, because, let's be real, what other choice is there? Though you want the world to stop you make the choice to keep going and you share their memory.

05/03/2024

She ignored the red flags because he made her feel loved for just a moment. She ignored the hurtful name-calling because he said he was just joking. She ignored the abuse because he promised he'd never do it again. She ignored the voices screaming for her to leave because he made her feel like she was the crazy one. She ignored the bruises because he told her it was her fault for pushing him to that point. She ignored her tears on her pillow at night because he told her she was too sensitive.

One day she looked in the mirror and no longer recognized who she had become. The strong woman she once was, was gone. The blunt, fierce woman she had been was caged. One day she busted through the cage and decided she was no longer going to ignore the things that were killing her. She rose up with fire in her eyes and was now prepared to take on the demon that tried to kill her.

She will no longer sit in silence. She was abused behind closed doors...but she will heal in the open.

05/03/2024

I was victimized.
I was put through things I never thought I would ever experience.
I was stripped of my self-worth layer by layer.
I had forgotten who I used to be.
I was caged...waiting to be set free.
Flashes of a better life and possibility.
My dreams awaited me.
There was so much love ahead of me.
Just waiting for me to be ready to take the step.

I took the step.
I said goodbye.
I closed the door.
I am free.

04/03/2024

Have you ever been walking barefoot on the beach? Pretty peaceful experience right?

So what happens when you step on a broken shell, stick or sand spur? That sand turns into a less peaceful experience for the time being.

In my past relationship with my abuser, these less-than-peaceful experiences would pop up. But instead of acknowledging where the pain was coming from, I would tell myself I was too sensitive because that's what I was told: 'You're just too sensitive". I can't imagine telling someone who steps on something in the sand that hurts, that the problem is their feet. Yet I was doing just that to myself.

I tried changing the environment. Moving homes with him. Thinking, that if we just changed our location, maybe the hurt would stop. You can change your spot on the beach but those same things are still present. You can change your location but it's still going to hurt unless you address the source of the hurt.

For a long time, I thought the problem was me. I thought I needed to be more patient. Not get so frustrated. That didn't help. So then I took a look at my expectations, maybe they were too high. Maybe I was asking for too much. I was expecting honesty, communication, compromise, and understanding. I was expecting just simple human decency.

I realized that the source of the problem was not me. The problem wasn't my feet in the sand, the hurt was coming from the things in the sand. So when we come to walk in the sand again just like when trying to start new relationships and friendships after dealing with abuse we tend to tread more carefully.

When you're getting ready to go to the beach for a walk in the sand, but the last visit isn't so pleasant in your memory. Don't forget to pack your sandals just in case.

04/03/2024

Check out our Etsy Shop

https://designsbyalikay.etsy.com

02/03/2024

Be The Change Hoodie

02/03/2024

Check out our merch.

02/03/2024

When you get into a relationship you aren't always prepared for everything you endure. Bumps come along the way. Life happens and it shakes things up a bit. Those are the moments when you have to look at your partner and be their partner. You have to be their saving grace, their smile when they can't find theirs. Their strength when they are weak. Their hope when they have none.

Home means different things to different people. To some it's four walls, to others, it's a person. It's someone you can count on. Someone who won't abandon you in your time of need.

We are all human, we are imperfect, we make mistakes. It is our job to learn from those mistakes. It is our job to learn from those mistakes and to fully love our partners with no judgment, you are perfectly imperfect.

When we become dependent on a cycle, the thought of breaking it is scary. Even the cycles that harm us. But sometimes when we break the cycle we find something better. Unexpectedly, something we never dreamed of - freedom, peace.

Have you had to break a cycle recently?

Are you trying to break a cycle?

16/12/2023

For anyone wanting to order shirts feel free to message me. Designs are customizable.

15/12/2023

God's not done with me 🥰

15/12/2023

Another one.

15/12/2023

New product. I don't know why it's showing up red but this one is hot pink not red. Several color combos available.

09/12/2023

Don't test me, I have screenshots. 😘

16/10/2023

Christmas shirts available now.

24/09/2023

Be The Change hoodies $40

24/09/2023

DV Warrior Tank design available on other garments. $20

17/09/2023

04/04/2023

http://akpollock.blogspot.com/2023/04/he-is-my-strength.html

70 pounds feels a lot heavier when you are battling depression and anxiety. You fight with everything you have just to lift the ...

25/08/2022

After some time off I'm getting back into what I love.

I will be adding more from my portfolio.