The musings of Nicola James

09/07/2024

Tsunami

Let me tell you of my nervous breakdown
it happened so slowly
that I should barely notice
as my agitation
became somewhat desperately
my daily normality.

and the thoughts flip flipped over
like an old fashioned show reel
that fades across time
so that I forget what drove those thoughts
Did you know the brain has no sense of time?

That shameful memories flash up
as vividly within that one tenth of a second
as the fabricated future maybes and what ifs
And that the realistic narrative
trapped within my mind
churned the contents of my stomach
and crushed the air from my lungs
with its majestic realism of stories as yet to happen,

but they could happen,
and I would be ready

but when the tsunami came
the weight of my mind
swept all truths aside and left me wanting
searching for the answers
scattered across the shore
fragments of myself
like an abstract painting
where my heart was upside down

and my brain sat like a rubics cube
beside me still undone,

and you'd warned me this would come

the reflection of my wisdom that told me it was time
that façades are only as strong
as the beliefs behind the lies
that nothing mattered but the truth
even if it meant painful goodbyes
to the person stood there once before
reflected in the mirror
with pain reflected in her eyes

©️ Nicola James

03/07/2024

My friend's said once the thing they love about me most is I dive in deep head first with everything I do
And they laughed as if to have the biggest heart was somehow the funniest thing a person could have
and yes I guess sometimes the jokes on me.

I've lost count of the sticking plasters and bruises over the years
but much like steel under pressure gets stronger somehow over the years my heart gets bigger

and the bigger it gets the more joyful life feels, expanding as if it could float off at any moment
Life could float off at any moment

So how ever painful it sometimes feels Id like to think it keeps expanding
Because without that joy there would be nothingness
And what use is life it you don't experience it all fully in that one short moment of existence
So I'll keep expanding and you can't stop me
and you can laugh
You can mock me
The girl who felt too much
Was too much
But this is all we get
There is no too much
There is only each moment
And I'd rather feel every single moment
And all the colours
In all their glory
And to be certain that the only thing in life which is uncertain
are the moments that we get
This is all we get

So don't ever let your heart get so brittle it no longer expands
I'd like to think that was my legacy
The heart that knows no bounds

©️ Balloon by Nicola James (that's my pen name innit)

19/05/2024

Me and the G 🖤

11/05/2024

🖤

2am ~ sana

07/05/2024

🖤😘

05/05/2024

😘🖤

03/05/2024

Today's office 🖤

02/05/2024

Morning 🖤

02/05/2024

Just getting started 🙌

A study found that the most productive age in human life in the U.S. is 60-70 years old. The 2nd is from 70-80. The 3rd is from 50-60.

The average age of NOBEL PRIZE winners is 62.
Of CEOs of prominent companies is 63 years.
Of pastors of the 100 largest churches in the U.S. is 71.
Of the Popes is 76 years.
N.Engl.J .Med. May 8th 1986

A book review also published in N. Engl J.Med found at age 60, you reach the TOP of your potential and this continues into your 80s.

Therefore, if you are 60-70 or 70-80 you MAY have the BEST and 2nd best opportunity in your life to produce meaningful accomplishments that can leave a lasting positive legacy.

Bob Fiety.

Do you get the message here?

Can you accept the FACT that it’s never too late? That all that you’ve done, has lead you to this point?

Can you look in the mirror and tell yourself “I got this!”

01/05/2024

🤣👀

You've been warned... 😂

01/05/2024

30 days to 48 🖤 everyday I'm gonna try and think of all the things I'll no longer do now I'm a grown up

30/04/2024

If you see me walking with very correct posture this is now why ☄️☄️ pew pew

29/04/2024

Think I'm gonna celebrate 48 for the whole of May. Just because. Sometimes I can't quite believe I'm now the age that I thought was old people when I was a kid

29/04/2024

Of poetry 🖤

28/04/2024

*stares out the window

28/04/2024

😍

28/04/2024

Love this 🖤

26/04/2024

Good morning darlings 🖤 a few years ago I ran a workshop programme called the Getting Unstuck Bootcamp. It was fab and sold out each time and now runs as an ongoing 1:1 where I see fit. Id love to relaunch the whole series once summer is out of the way.

Its been quite profound looking back through old posts in the private group. This was one of my blogs where I shared an EMDR experience I had. In my new book I interweave the stories of the subconscious explored through Past Life Regression. Both EMDR and PLR give far deeper Regression experiences than I've ever encountered (and I love DMT and all psychedelics)

This post seems relevant as we've just come out of another very transformative eclipse. It is often discussed in UK based therapy models how we shouldn't disclose but I've always believed this is flawed. My clinical trauma therapy training was run by American psychologists where they're openly candid about their journeys of addiction and trauma. This to me has always felt so much more authentic. Shame only flourishes in the shadows and silence ###
‐‐---------------------

It's a hugely busy time of year for so many and with Covid added to the mix then things are perhaps seeming more fragmented than ever. Yet I believe this period is actually acting as a catalyst for deep change and reflection. What ever your spiritual or religious inclination I'm sure at times your faith has been tested on the journey.

For myself I'd say I'm a stars and moon kinda woman. I find the eclipse season is the most potent time for change and all my big decisions seem to coincide with the pull of the moon and the thinning of the veil. Which may seem absurd to some and perhaps at odds with my scientific mind, but when I reflect back over my lifetime way before I searched for answers I can see all my life decisions occur this time of year. You've all by now felt the profound power of EMDR, when explored the way I have evolved to use it, brings up great connection with our ancestors and spirit guide. I think it's hardly any wonder that my own teacher, an amazing German clinical psychologist who on the face of it seemed the least likely to explore other realms, admitted she was moved to begin her training in shamanism. My own interest in ancestral trauma and epigenetics, that is the cellular impact of trauma, grows daily.

You may have noticed I've posted less this past week but it has been a time where I too have had to go inwards to find my voice. A little over a month ago I made the decision to speak my truth, and that was to say to my now ex partner that I didnt want to keep trying for another child and I didn't want to settle down with him or move to Wales. It has caused huge pain but my truth is I'm 44 and my body and time left on this earth are too precious to feel like a caged bird. I wasnt prepared to risk damaging the body I've fought hard for over the years to keep safe and well. That the 20 years in recovery from the eating disorder in my teens and 20s is a battle I won but am still acutely aware of. It's like placing a flag on territory that may still be attacked by outside marauders. That the balance of my environment plays a crucial role in my ongoing wellbeing and strength. But also as a mother to a now grown young man I have already devoted 20 years of giving myself and now it's my time to expand and explore.

I know my journey of grief, loss, failed marriages, emotionally abusive relationships, codependency, drugs, people pleasing, fear of abandonment, eating disorder and food addiction, whilst in the distant past, still provide a reference point of awakening and awareness. This journey drives me harder to understand human behaviours and our interaction with others through understanding my own. Now I have reached a place of wholeness inspite the uncertainty.

At times I've questioned what is it within me inherently damaged to not be grateful for the nice big house and the settled life with a wonderful and successful solid person. Many would give their right arm for such a gift. Yet in truth it's not my gift to hold or wear. My truth is one of freedom and adventure, of not settling for less than. Inspite the upheaval I feel more cleared headed than I have in years. Finally I have recognised and spoken my truth. My boundaries have grown to protect me with a certainty that no longer feels like a new pair of shoes.

I want also to share one of my recent healing sessions as I have been using EMDR on myself this past few weeks and the resulting visuals which came forward were profound and life enhancing. At first it was like I was under this huge body of water and the voice saying "I am the darkness" my guilt of causing such pain to someone I love was palpable. My heart hurt with intense pain. But as I came up through that feeling of darkness and suffocation so I was then feeling like a huge bird soaring about a forest shrouded in dence fog. There were no reference points though, I was lost and searching. Suddenly however a face appears clear and bright as day, who I call my spirit guide, as it's the face of a WW1 soldier who I've only had come up during an EMDR session in the early days of my training. The peace flooded over me and a voice saying "I am safe" over and over. The tears came as relief spread through my body and huge black angel wings unfurled from me. I was left with this feeling that it's ok to not know the way. Perhaps my wings are still drying and testing their strength but from high up in the mountains the reference points will show themselves when they're ready.

I'm believe so strongly that our minds contain all we need to unlock our healing. We just need the right keys.

Winter blessings to you all and with the deepest heartfelt love ❤

25/04/2024

Always 🖤

24/04/2024

👀

Not me with my Gemini sun, moon and Venus

The thing about air Venus/suns is they love to say they are not h0es but deep deep down they have the capacity and h.oe SPIRIT INSIDE THEM!!!

🚩🚩🚩♊️♎️♒️

-Signed
An Air Venus

I survived an Air sign, Aquarius♒Gemini♊️Libra♎️Gaslighted & 👻Ghosted

venus in libra comiseration club venus

23/04/2024

Yep 🖤

23/04/2024

🖤

22/04/2024

🖤

22/04/2024

Morning vibes 🖤

20/04/2024

It do be like that sometimes 🤷‍♀️

13/05/2023

Dartmoor days 🖤 hope everyone enjoying their Saturday

11/05/2023

Struggle is real 😫

Shared by Kenneth Wright

11/05/2023

Good morning my loves 🖤

"We need healed women, who went through "hell" and came back, bringing with them innocence and purity.

Women who see the soul, hear, breathe harmonious vibrations, magical words, gentle songs.

Women who can comfort the soul.

Women who talk to the trees, the stones, the animals, the mountains, the water... who listen to them, understand them, advise them... help them, support them.

Women who know the healing gift of herbs, flowers and have learned not to be ashamed of it.

Women who healed their emotional wounds, built their self-esteem, learned to love themselves, to love, to say no.

Women who are no longer victims.

Women who honor their roots by transforming them.

Women who can help other souls to break free, who possess the sacred art of healing, fruits of a long journey of self-healing.

Women who express themselves through humility, because they no longer need to be seen by others.

... because they became aware of who they are."

(Author unknown)

15/03/2023

Happy truck cat Mr Splodges with his love heart marking 🥰 the perfect companion for a night out in the mothership. Definitely needed to hit the reset button

20/02/2023

Get bored. Buy new hair. Problem solved. Felt super fun out in this all night 🖤