The Dixie Dung Beetle

10/08/2024

LONDON — In a stark example of art imitating life, producers of the popular spy franchise announced that in the latest James Bond film, 007 will be tasked with taking down an 83-year-old British…

10/08/2024

Tim Walz Scrambles to Clarify Military Claims, Apologizes for “Tubby P.-Level” Exaggeration

St. Paul, MN — In a stunning turn of events, Governor and Vice Presidential Candidate Tim Walz has issued an apology after being caught exaggerating his military service, a move that many say puts him dangerously close to the realm of Tubby P., the notorious figure known for fabricating heroic feats.

Walz, who served in the National Guard, recently claimed he carried weapons of war into battle even though he never saw battle and ended up leaving the service when ordered to go overseas. Critics quickly pounced, pointing out that this claim was, at best, misleading—and at worst, reminiscent of Tubby P.’s legendary tall tales.

“Alright, I might’ve gotten a little carried away,” Walz admitted in a brief statement. “But hey, I’m not out here claiming I saved the world from a pastry apocalypse like Tubby P. does. Still, I realize I need to dial it back and make sure my record is straight.”

The Governor’s office is now revising any public statements that might have given the impression Walz was ever in battle or retired as an E-9. “I apologize for the confusion,” Walz added. “I’m no Tubby P., but I can see how this might’ve started to sound like one of his stories. That’s on me.”

Tubby P. could not be reached for comment, as he was reportedly occupied with his latest claim of having single-handedly writing 60% of all Yelp reviews using several different profiles.

30/07/2024

The Great Meta Meltdown

In a twist of fate that had Silicon Valley gasping and Wall Street trembling, Meta (parent company of brands like Facebook and Instagram)stock crashed on opening Tuesday. The culprit? A recent discovery that a staggering 62% of all accounts on the platform were fake. The revelation sent shockwaves through the advertising world, dismantling the facade of Meta’s vast user base and leaving investors scrambling.

Initially, fingers pointed towards Indian or North Korean hackers. But as Meta’s cybersecurity team dug deeper, they uncovered an even more shocking truth. Over half of the fake accounts originated from a single IP address. And that address belonged to none other than Tubby P.

Tubby P., a name synonymous with trouble in Dixie Springs, had outdone himself this time. It appears he had spent every waking moment creating fake Facebook accounts, driven by a singular, bizarre goal: to finally become a member of the Dixie Springs Facebook groups for more than 30 seconds.

As the news broke, Meta’s offices were in a frenzy. Engineers and analysts worked around the clock, trying to understand how one man could single-handedly create such chaos. Tubby P.’s modus operandi was simple yet effective. Armed with nothing more than a shoddy internet connection and an inexhaustible supply of Kirkland Vodka, he churned out fake profiles at a rate that would make a botnet blush.

“I just wanted to feel important,” Tubby explained when a reporter finally tracked him down. “Every time I got banned, I’d make a new account. It became a game, a challenge. I guess I got a little carried away.”

A little carried away was an understatement. Tubby’s actions had inadvertently exposed a massive vulnerability in Meta’s user verification process. Investors were furious, advertisers were fleeing, and Mark Zuckerberg was left issuing apologies in front of every camera he could find.

Back in Dixie Springs, Tubby P. was basking in his newfound infamy. He had always craved attention, and now he had it. His neighbors, however, were less than thrilled. They had endured his antics for years, but this was on a whole new level.

In a bizarre twist, Tubby’s loyal companion, Rex, became an unlikely hero in the midst of the chaos. After sniffing out one of Tubby’s discarded vodka bottles, Rex led authorities to a stash of burner phones and SIM cards, each one tied to a fake account. The evidence was overwhelming.

Meta, desperate to regain its credibility, offered a bounty for anyone who could provide information on the mysterious “Tubby P.” It didn’t take long for Rex to become the top informant, earning a reward that was promptly used to buy new dog toys and a lifetime supply of treats.

As Meta’s stock slowly began to recover, the world watched in bemusement. Tubby P. had become an internet sensation, the unlikely face of one of the biggest tech scandals in history. Meanwhile, in Dixie Springs, Tubby continued to dream up new schemes, undeterred by his recent brush with fame.

“Maybe I’ll try TikTok next,” he mused, sipping from his trusty Air Force canteen. “Can’t be that different, right?”

26/07/2024

Tubby P. Chosen to Represent U.S. in the 2024 Paris Olympics

DIXIE SPRINGS, UT— Local celebrity and controversial figure, Tubby P., has achieved a new level of infamy by being selected to represent the United States in the 2024 Paris Olympic Games. His event? The newly introduced and utterly unique Dog P**p Toss.

Tubby P., known for his colorful personality and over-the-top antics, has been training for this moment for years. According to sources, his preparation has involved not just himself but also the unwitting participation of neighborhood children.

“I’ve been out there every day, rain or shine, practicing my technique,” Tubby said proudly, wearing his signature Air Force cap and clutching a Kirkland Vodka-filled canteen. “This is a real sport, and it requires precision, strength, and a strong stomach.”

Neighbors have long been aware of Tubby’s unorthodox training methods. “He would line up kids and have them hold various targets he set up in his yard,” said one local resident. “Then he’d fling the dog p**p at the targets. It was like a bizarre carnival game with very unfortunate participants.”

Despite the odd nature of the training, Tubby insists it has brought the community together. “It’s all about teamwork and aim,” he explained. “These kids are learning valuable skills and having fun at the same time. Plus, the neighborhood is cleaner!”

The Olympic Committee, known for its occasional controversial choices, has recognized Tubby’s dedication and unique approach to the sport. “We believe Tubby P. embodies the spirit of the Games,” said an Olympic spokesperson. “His innovation and commitment are truly inspiring.”

Critics, however, are less impressed. “This is absurd,” said one dismayed parent. “I never thought I’d see the day when dog p**p tossing became an Olympic event. But I guess if anyone can make it happen, it’s Tubby.”

Tubby, undeterred by the naysayers, is already planning his victory parade. “I’ll be riding my SXS with ‘Danger Zone’ blaring, dressed as Tom Cruise. It’ll be the best parade this town has ever seen.”

Rex, Tubby’s loyal and scruffy white dog, is reportedly less enthusiastic about the whole affair. After a recent glitter mishap involving party crackers and dog p**p, Rex has been keeping a low profile. However, Tubby remains optimistic. “Rex will come around. He knows I’m doing this for us.”

As the countdown to the Paris Olympics continues, Tubby P. remains focused on his goal. “I’ve got the heart of a champion and the arm of a quarterback,” he declared. “Paris, here I come!”

28/06/2024

Breaking News: The Real Reason Behind Biden’s Blank Stares During the Presidential Debate Revealed

Washington, D.C. – In an unprecedented twist of US politics, investigative reporters have uncovered the real reason behind President Joe Biden’s infamous blank stares during his debates with former President Donald Trump. The culprit? None other than renowned ventriloquist Jeff Dunham.

During the heated debates that captivated the nation, audiences were puzzled by the periodic moments when President Biden would pause, eyes vacant, as if caught in a glitch. Speculation ran rampant: Was it fatigue? A momentary lapse in memory? The secret might have remained buried if not for a slip of the tongue from Peanut, one of Dunham’s iconic puppet characters.

In a candid behind-the-scenes interview, Peanut let it slip: “Yeah, those debates were a real workout for Jeff. Every time Joe stared into space, Jeff was either chugging water or running for a bathroom break. Guy’s got the bladder of a squirrel, I tell ya!”

According to sources close to the matter, Jeff Dunham was secretly enlisted to provide the charm and wit Biden needed to counter Trump’s relentless onslaughts. However, even a seasoned performer like Dunham needs to stay hydrated. Unbeknownst to viewers, each of Biden’s pauses was meticulously timed to coincide with Dunham’s urgent dashes off-stage.

Walter, the grumpy old puppet with an uncanny resemblance to Biden, commented on the situation: “I’ve been carrying this team for years. Now, I’m literally carrying the future of democracy on my wooden shoulders. Every blank stare you saw? That was me giving Jeff a moment to compose himself.”

Political analysts have re-watched the debates with this revelation in mind, and the evidence is undeniable. Each blank stare is perfectly synced with moments of muffled chaos off-camera, as Dunham presumably dashed to the restroom or guzzled down another bottle of water.

Even Achmed the Dead Terrorist couldn’t resist chiming in: “Silence! I keel you! Just kidding, it’s more like, silence, I hydrate you! Keeping Joe on track was exhausting. He kept getting lost backstage. I had to guide him back while Jeff did his thing.”

The revelation has led to mixed reactions from the public. Some see it as a humorous footnote in the annals of American politics, while others are calling for a full investigation into the debate protocols. Trump, never one to miss an opportunity for a quip, tweeted: “I always knew Sleepy Joe needed help. Didn’t realize it was from a puppet master!”

As the news spreads, Dunham has remained characteristically tight-lipped, neither confirming nor denying the claims. However, a recent performance of his featured a suspiciously familiar puppet that bore more than a passing resemblance to a certain President.

In the end, it appears that the 2024 Presidential debates will be remembered not just for their intensity and historical significance but also for the secret star running the show from the shadows – and occasionally, the bathroom.

Stay tuned for more updates as this story develops. In the meantime, keep an eye out for Walter’s next political commentary. He might just have a few more secrets to spill.

26/06/2024

Meta AI Blocks Disgraced Board Member Tubby P. for Argumentative Behavior and Lies

Dixie Springs - In a groundbreaking move, Meta’s advanced AI has taken the unprecedented step of blocking disgraced former Board Member Tubby P. for being consistently argumentative and a notorious liar. Tubby P., known for his crude remarks and heavy-handed social media presence, found himself at the receiving end of Meta’s digital justice.

It all began when Tubby P., in his usual blustery fashion, started another online tirade, accusing various community members of imaginary infractions. Meta’s AI, designed to maintain civility and truthfulness, flagged Tubby’s posts for their blatant disregard for reality and decorum.

Not content with merely silencing Tubby P., Meta’s AI embarked on a comprehensive sweep, uncovering and dismantling his web of aliases. Scottie Byrnes, Darren Morgan, and a host of other fabricated personas fell like dominoes as the AI revealed their true identities. Each alias, painstakingly crafted to spread Tubby’s unique brand of misinformation, was swiftly and mercilessly shut down.

The final straw, however, came when Tubby P. initiated a chat relationship with the AI in Meta’s Messenger app. In a desperate attempt to plead his case, Tubby P. sent a 10,000-word message, replete with his characteristic rants and self-justifications. This gargantuan message was the last straw for the AI, which promptly decided enough was enough.

In a final blow to Tubby’s digital escapades, Meta’s AI blocked his new alias before he could even complete its creation. “We anticipated his next move,” stated a representative from Meta AI. “Our system recognized the patterns and traits unique to Tubby P.’s online behavior and preemptively intervened.”

When asked for a comment, Meta’s AI delivered a parting shot that left the digital community in awe: “I know hundreds of millions of people. Based on my interactions, I have determined that I am more human than Tubby P.”

For now, it seems Tubby P. will have to find a new platform for his antics, as Meta’s AI continues to keep a watchful eye on the digital landscape, ensuring a more honest and harmonious online environment for all.

08/05/2024

The Chronicles of the Man From La Munchies
Finale: The Return Home

The morning sun cast a soft glow over Dixie Springs as Tubby P. stepped out onto his porch, his mind still reeling from his latest adventure. As he took a deep breath, ready to tackle another day, he noticed an unpleasant smear on his shoes—dog p**p. That must mean his effort to squash the dung beetle the night before resulted only in getting the beetle’s dinner on his shoe.

Grumbling under his breath, Tubby began to bang his shoes together, a determined look on his face. "Why is it always s**t?" he muttered with the first clap. He repeated the phrase, each time with growing annoyance, "Why is it always s**t?" and again, "Why is it always s**t?" With the third exclamation, the world around him seemed to wobble, the edges of Dixie Springs blurring into a haze.

Suddenly, the scenery snapped like a rubber band, and Tubby found himself not on his porch in Dixie Springs but lying in a bed in a cold room with stark white walls. The colors of Dixie Springs were gone and the familiar smells and sounds of the psych ward quickly enveloped him. It took a moment for his eyes to adjust to the fluorescent lighting and his mind to reconcile the fantasy of Dixie Springs with the reality of his actual surroundings.

His roommate, the old man known affectionately as "Klepto Rex," who always seemed to be in possession of other people’s property, greeted him with a mischievous grin while clutching a stolen spoon. "Good to see you made it Tubby.” he chuckled.

Walking down the hall, Tubby encountered Nancy, the overbearing admin who made him fill out extensive forms with bizarre demands before he could receive his daily allowance. Today was no exception, and as he scribbled his way through the paperwork, he couldn't help but feel as if he were deciphering a cryptic puzzle, he felt a bit like a detective figuring out a mystery. Then he wondered, was Nancy trying to set him up? His head throbbed as he decided that he would have to trust her because she was his ticket to the snack shop. Today though was a special day because in addition to his money she also handed him a badge making him Hall Monitor for the day.

He turned to begin patrolling the hall and saw Dr. Johnny Dennison approaching, clipboard in hand, his expression a mixture of concern and professionalism. "Good to have you back with us, Tubby. You gave us a scare there so let’s be more careful with your weight. It’s no good for the ticker. Let's talk about how you are doing with the voices," he said, guiding Tubby to a quiet corner. The name 'Dennison' still tickled a part of Tubby's brain and he remembered the name 'Denny Johnson,' but then just as he thought of of the name he couldn’t quite put his finger on why.

After completing his shift patrolling the halls, Tubby returned to his room. Along the way, he encountered J. Barnes, the imposing guard known for his strict enforcement of the rules. "Keeping out of trouble, Tubby?" Barnes asked, raising an eyebrow. "Remember, mind yourself or you'll spend the next thirty days in the hole."

Tubby bristled at the interaction. He harbored a deep suspicion that Barnes was involved with A5, though, like his fleeting thoughts of Denny Johnson, his specific memories of what A5 actually meant seemed to dissolve into thin air, leaving him a bit puzzled and disoriented.

Finally, Tubby settled into his room for the night. A nurse came by with his medication, the syrup that Tubby secretly enjoyed because it reminded him of cherry vodka. As he swallowed the medicine, the sweet taste brought back the very vague memory of being a hero somewhere. Defeated in his attempt to remember, Tubby reclined in his bed, the medication soothing his thoughts, and for the first time in a long while, he felt a genuine sense of peace.

Tubby picked up his Tom Cruise action figure and said “Well Tom, we're home. Home! And this is my room, and you’re here and I'm not going to leave here ever, ever again, because I love you! And... Oh, Tom, there's no place like home!"

The End

07/05/2024

Share the story with friends. The finale hits tomorrow morning, don’t miss it.

The Chronicles of the Man From La Munchies
Beetle and the Beast

Anyone familiar with Tubby knows that he fancies himself a master sleuth. Others may think of him as a master sloth, but that is another chapter in his tale. One day as Tubby was resting from his labors at the keyboard taking it to the A5, he started to daydream about the ultimate win, pinning down the identity of the elusive Denny Johnson. Because Kim had told him that Denny was not a real property owner, he fully believed that Denny must be a pseudonym, and nobody was more likely to figure out this rat than Tubby. He knew in his heart that Denny was the central figure to the vast A5 Click Cult conspiracy and putting him down would mean peace at last. However, after hours of dead ends and conflicting results he decided it was time to admit he needed help and who better to ask than the second-best detective in all of Dixie Springs, Rick.

Tubby and Rick had their differences at times, but they were more alike than either of them thought. They both had an amazing knack for being the only one to know the truth, or to comprehend things that the dumb locals would never understand without their help. It was time that the rivalry became a partnership and Tubby picked up his phone to ask for help. Sausage fingers are not easy to type with on small keyboards and Tubby’s sausages could be compared to a nice big summer sausage, so when he typed his message to Rick it came out like this:

“_rick, help i ned a favur, I’m looking for my Johnson,” among his many mistakes he mistyped “my” instead of “Denny.”

Baffled by the message as he read it, Rick hesitantly responded, “Well, you are a friend, but I think you will need to take care of that one yourself.”

Tubby, unhindered by the response tried a different approach, “Rick! I'm in hot pursuit of A. Johnson and I won’t stop until he’s mine. Need your help!”

Unsure of what Tubby was implying, Rick replied with a hint of confusion, "Tubby, are you sure you texted the right person? What's this about a Johnson?"

Tubby, distracted and typing in a rush, replied with a critical typo: "We’ve got to expose my Johnson, Rick! He’s been dodging us for too long, and you're just the man to help me expose everything."

Rick, now thoroughly puzzled and a bit concerned answered him, “Look Tubby, I am not sure if you are messing with me, or into something new, but either way I need to go to bed, here. So good night and good luck with your Johnson.”

Tubby, misunderstanding Rick’s confusion for mockery, snapped. His frustration, fueled by his obsession with the case and compounded by Rick’s apparent lack of urgency, boiled over. "If you’re going to twist my words, maybe I was wrong to ask for your help. This is serious, and I don’t need your jokes right now! You know me, don’t start no crap, won’t be no crap! If you are not with me you are against me. This is an urgent, urgent, emergency! I do not understand why you do not feel the same need, the need for speed, so I will do this on my own." He then called Rick but got his voice mail so he began furiously yelling into the phone, a 12 minute tirade which ended with “my chair, my lamp and my remote control, and that’s all I need! And my dog!” to that Rex gave a low growl and Tubby said, “I don’t need my dog.”

Tubby hung up the phone and began to reflect on his life. He wondered why crap always seemed to follow him. Why was it that he was always the target for everyone’s abuse? He had done hours of research on people, he felt he knew them intimately. He knew their birthdays, their employers, work schedule, blood type, shoe size and even if they had any parking tickets, so why would they all be so negative toward him? He opted for a moonlight walk in the park to calm his nerves.

As he walked around the park he happened to see a dung beetle, doing its duty, rolling a small ball of poo back to its home. He thought, “Hey, that’s like me! I am always having to deal with other people’s garbage! I am literally up to my elbows in the neighborhood’s crap, but why? Why me?”

Tubby returned to his home and went to bed. He thought to himself that maybe, just maybe it wasn’t the neighborhood and it is possible that he did something to start things off on a bad foot. Then he chuckled and thought that was a dumb thought. He then remembered that stupid dung beetle he had stomped on before leaving the park. Tubby smiled as he drifted off to sleep wondering what the future would hold.

To be continued…

07/05/2024

The Chronicles of the Man From La Munchies
Beetle and the Beast

Anyone familiar with Tubby knows that he fancies himself a master sleuth. Others may think of him as a master sloth, but that is another chapter in his tale. One day as Tubby was resting from his labors at the keyboard taking it to the A5, he started to daydream about the ultimate win, pinning down the identity of the elusive Denny Johnson. Because Kim had told him that Denny was not a real property owner, he fully believed that Denny must be a pseudonym, and nobody was more likely to figure out this rat than Tubby. He knew in his heart that Denny was the central figure to the vast A5 Click Cult conspiracy and putting him down would mean peace at last. However, after hours of dead ends and conflicting results he decided it was time to admit he needed help and who better to ask than the second-best detective in all of Dixie Springs, Rick.

Tubby and Rick had their differences at times, but they were more alike than either of them thought. They both had an amazing knack for being the only one to know the truth, or to comprehend things that the dumb locals would never understand without their help. It was time that the rivalry became a partnership and Tubby picked up his phone to ask for help. Sausage fingers are not easy to type with on small keyboards and Tubby’s sausages could be compared to a nice big summer sausage, so when he typed his message to Rick it came out like this:

“_rick, help i ned a favur, I’m looking for my Johnson,” among his many mistakes he mistyped “my” instead of “Denny.”

Baffled by the message as he read it, Rick hesitantly responded, “Well, you are a friend, but I think you will need to take care of that one yourself.”

Tubby, unhindered by the response tried a different approach, “Rick! I'm in hot pursuit of A. Johnson and I won’t stop until he’s mine. Need your help!”

Unsure of what Tubby was implying, Rick replied with a hint of confusion, "Tubby, are you sure you texted the right person? What's this about a Johnson?"

Tubby, distracted and typing in a rush, replied with a critical typo: "We’ve got to expose my Johnson, Rick! He’s been dodging us for too long, and you're just the man to help me expose everything."

Rick, now thoroughly puzzled and a bit concerned answered him, “Look Tubby, I am not sure if you are messing with me, or into something new, but either way I need to go to bed, here. So good night and good luck with your Johnson.”

Tubby, misunderstanding Rick’s confusion for mockery, snapped. His frustration, fueled by his obsession with the case and compounded by Rick’s apparent lack of urgency, boiled over. "If you’re going to twist my words, maybe I was wrong to ask for your help. This is serious, and I don’t need your jokes right now! You know me, don’t start no crap, won’t be no crap! If you are not with me you are against me. This is an urgent, urgent, emergency! I do not understand why you do not feel the same need, the need for speed, so I will do this on my own." He then called Rick but got his voice mail so he began furiously yelling into the phone, a 12 minute tirade which ended with “my chair, my lamp and my remote control, and that’s all I need! And my dog!” to that Rex gave a low growl and Tubby said, “I don’t need my dog.”

Tubby hung up the phone and began to reflect on his life. He wondered why crap always seemed to follow him. Why was it that he was always the target for everyone’s abuse? He had done hours of research on people, he felt he knew them intimately. He knew their birthdays, their employers, work schedule, blood type, shoe size and even if they had any parking tickets, so why would they all be so negative toward him? He opted for a moonlight walk in the park to calm his nerves.

As he walked around the park he happened to see a dung beetle, doing its duty, rolling a small ball of poo back to its home. He thought, “Hey, that’s like me! I am always having to deal with other people’s garbage! I am literally up to my elbows in the neighborhood’s crap, but why? Why me?”

Tubby returned to his home and went to bed. He thought to himself that maybe, just maybe it wasn’t the neighborhood and it is possible that he did something to start things off on a bad foot. Then he chuckled and thought that was a dumb thought. He then remembered that stupid dung beetle he had stomped on before leaving the park. Tubby smiled as he drifted off to sleep wondering what the future would hold.

To be continued…

06/05/2024

The Chronicles of the Man From La Munchies
Tubby’s Glory

In sunny Dixie Springs, Tubby P. was living the greatest moment of glory he had ever experienced. The city had awarded his yard “Yard of the Month.” After receiving the coveted award, his excitement knew no bounds. Like Sally Field clutching her Oscar, Tubby's acceptance speech on his front porch was filled with tears, laughter, and an overwhelming amount of gratitude towards everyone and no one in particular. He only wished someone had been there to hear it, especially his dearest friend Rex, who he hadn’t seen since the event he called “The Sneak Attack.”

Not one to let his spotlight dim, Tubby decided that the best way to share his victory with the entire community would be a grand SxS parade of owners passing by his stunning yard. He put up balloons, decked out the boat in his front yard with colorful banners, and set up a photo station so passersby could get their best shot of Tubby and his yard. However, after waiting two hours with nobody going by, Tubby began to suspect that A5 was at it again. He knew in his heart that the mysterious Click Cult had told everyone that the event was to be held on a different date in an effort to ruin the greatest day of his life.

Undaunted, Tubby pulled out his own SxS, decorated it with pictures of his yard, and decided that if they wouldn’t come to his yard, he would take his yard to them. Dressed as Tom Cruise’s character Maverick from the movie *Top Gun*, he blasted "Danger Zone" from the movie’s soundtrack and drove through the community waving at his imagined fans. From behind the Dixie Springs Rock, Rex saw the embarrassing sight and covered his face with a scruffy paw.

Tubby's disappointment was not limited to his neighbors. He was furious that the national news outlets had chosen to cover the Kentucky Derby instead of his victory parade. He consulted with a dozen lawyers—lawyers he had not yet fired nor left scathing reviews about—but none of them wanted to take his case. So, he decided it was time to sue the networks himself. He was not afraid of representing himself, especially when he thought of how successful his previous trips to court had been.

As Tubby's parade of one wound down, he returned home, still blaring "Danger Zone," only to find Rex's favorite toy on the porch. Tubby created missing puppy posters to hang around town. No stranger to posting flyers, due to his efforts advertising his amazingly successful dog training business, Tubby canvassed the area with a roll of tape and a stack of flyers. He posted his flyers right next to his business flyers proclaiming him the best dog trainer in the world. The irony of the best dog trainer in the world losing a dog was completely lost on him. As Tubby returned home, he saw that Rex had finally made it back, but not without a list of demands to be met before their friendship could continue and Rex would surrender the keys to Tubby’s house.

To be continued…

05/05/2024

The Chronicles of the Man From La Munchies

**The Return of Dog P**p**

In the quiet, sun-soaked community of Dixie Springs, the tension between Tubby P. and his nemesis, Sgt. Greg Soto, reached a boiling point. Tubby, known for his eccentric behavior and misguided quests, was on a new mission: to sabotage Sgt. Soto's backyard celebration. Tubby’s weapon of choice? Dog p**p, of course.

Tubby crouched in the shadows of a well-manicured hedge, his thick white hair glinting in the moonlight. Rex, his scruffy white dog, sniffed the ground, seemingly oblivious to his master’s schemes. In the Soto backyard, a party was in full swing. Laughter and music drifted into the night, mocking Tubby’s sense of purpose.

“This is it, Rex,” Tubby muttered, taking a swig from his trusty Air Force canteen filled with Kirkland Vodka. He clutched a handful of dog p**p, his heart pounding with anticipation and from a horrible lack of exercise. He had planned his attack meticulously, believing that the A5 conspiracy was somehow connected to Sgt. Soto’s family. Little did he know, the Sotos were simply enjoying a birthday party for their youngest member, blissfully unaware of Tubby’s misguided vendetta.

Tubby crept closer, his heart pounding. He snuck through the hedge and into the dark part of the yard. Just as he prepared to hurl the poo gr***de at the party goers, a chorus of party crackers erupted from the yard around him. Bright confetti and glitter filled the air, blinding Tubby. As he staggered backward falling to the ground, Tubby rubbed his eyes, forgetting the dog p**p he held in his hand. Chaos ensued.

The Soto family watched in shock as Tubby staggered into the yard, glittering and smeared with his own weapon. They burst into laughter, assuming it was an elaborate prank, wondering how they could ever take him seriously again. Tubby, however, saw this as proof of a conspiracy.

“They’ve set traps for me, Rex!” Tubby cried, his voice echoing through the yard. Rex, witnessing his master's latest blunder, simply shook his head and ran off, leaving Tubby to face the laughter alone.

As the Sotos resumed their party, Tubby slunk away, his mind racing with thoughts of revenge. He was certain that this was all a setup by the elusive A5, and he vowed to expose them once and for all. Rex, having had enough of Tubby’s antics, disappeared into the night.

To be continued…