12/01/2022
The Betrothal Blessing: Are We Going Back to Arranged Marriages?
“In the name of our Lord, I, Catherine, do declare that, in the form and manner wherein thou hast promised thyself unto me, do declare and affirm that I will one day bind and oblige myself unto thee, and will take thee, Jacob, as my husband. And all that thou hast pledged.”
This was the vow that I made on January 5, 2020 to my fiancé with the promise to marry him in due time. Sound a bit like a marriage vow? That’s because it is meant to point our minds towards the marriage vows we would eventually make to each other on our wedding day.
The Rite of Betrothal is one of those traditions that has been lost in years past, but we are seeing making a come back in our present day. It manifests as a solemn promise of marriage which our current understanding of engagement only represents. Marriage has become less and less respected in the past 100 years, and this can be seen starting in the preparation leading up to marriage. Dating is often seen as a social experience and not often enough as a search for someone to spend one’s life with and to lead them to Heaven. A man and woman are not usually encouraged to look for someone who shares their values and who complements them, but rather they are made to believe that love, common interests, and someone to have fun with is all they need. When a couple becomes engaged, the woman says ‘yes’, a party is thrown, and wedding preparations are focused around the details of the aesthetic and reception rather than the Holy Covenant the man and woman are entering into. After getting married, we then see so many marriages ending in divorce because they lack the spiritual stamina to work through difficult situations. The happy feeling has faded, and they don’t often know how to rekindle the flame into a fire.
Marriage is a sacrament and union blessed by the Church so why shouldn’t the steps leading up to it be taken with the same respect and solemn mindset? How can we stop this downward spiral that society has sold to us as completely normal? I would venture to say that treating the beginning steps of a relationship with more gravity is a necessary first step.
When my fiancé and I got engaged, I told him I would marry him, we shared the news with family, and we began wedding planning. However, there was nothing to stop me from cutting off the engagement cold turkey should something happen we disagreed about or I lost the feelings. This is not to say that engagements should never be broken off. My grandmother is a testament to this as she was engaged to a handsome, dark-haired, blue-eyed Irishman whom all the girls would have died to marry, but she realized he was not the right man for her. Thankfully, she saw the importance of addressing the situation and ended the engagement. It all ended happily ever after, and she ended up marrying my grandpa. The symbolism of the betrothal ceremony is simply a solidification of the ‘yes’ to marriage that we made at our engagement. It holds us to that promise unless something important or serious arises that should prevent us from being married. In addition, the betrothal blesses our union and my engagement ring becomes a sacramental. Not many brides-to-be get to claim that.
In order for the betrothal to take place, the man and woman must both have two witnesses to stand before the Church acknowledging that we in good conscience and in full consent are entering into this blessed union. Sound familiar? The betrothal begins with the priest calling to mind the solemn state we have entered into: one in which we are promising to marry each other. He reminds us of the prayerful deliberation we should have taken prior to this moment. This again reflects the gravity of an engagement even before the actual marriage.
“It is the dispensation of Divine Providence that you are called to the holy vocation of marriage. For this reason you present yourselves today before Christ and His Church, before His sacred minister and the devout people of God, to ratify in solemn manner the engagement bespoken between you.”
He, then, continues right into the vows. My fiancé starts holding my right hand:
“In the name of our Lord, I, Jacob, promise that I will one day take thee, Catherine, as my wife, according to the ordinances of God and holy Church. I will love thee even as myself. I will keep faith and loyalty to thee, and so in thy necessities aid and comfort thee; which things and all that man ought to do unto his espoused I promise to do unto thee and to keep by the faith that is in me.”
He promises to show me the love that Christ shows his Church which is to lay his life down for me, to be the man of Ephesians 5. He promises to be loyal and be present for my emotional well-being. He promises to fulfill all that is expected as a man who is to be married. I, then, make the same vows to him as his future wife. Again, sounding a bit familiar? These betrothal vows are a foreshadowing of the marriage vows that we would make to each other: to be faithful to each other for rich or for poor, in sickness and in health. We promise a fidelity to remain by each other’s side. This makes the engagement so much beautiful and meaningful than the simple ‘yes’ when he pops the question.
A funny side story: When Jacob made this vow, our priest used my mother’s name Cathleen on accident. Catherine and Cathleen are similar, and I go by Caitlyn so an understandable mistake. The funny part was that Jacob was so nervous that he repeated Cathleen right after the priest without a second thought so I joke that Jacob actually vowed to marry mother instead of me!
The priest then takes his stole, and making the sign of the cross with it, places it on our joined hands saying:
“I bear witness to thy solemn proposal and I declare thee betrothed. In the name of the Father, and of the Son, + and of the Holy Ghost.”
“I declare thee betrothed.” That is a pretty lit statement to hear said. It may sound like we were just arrived from the Medieval era having our marriage arranged, but, no. We are betrothed by the Church before God to each other to be married, and that is a humbling thought.”
Finally, the priest blesses the engagement ring, and Jacob places it on my index finger saying “In the name of the Father,” then on the middle finger, “and of the Son,” and leaving it on my ring finger concluded, “and of the Holy Ghost.” This action looks forward to when when we would exchange our wedding rings. Since then, I love to look at my engagement ring and remember how this token of my fiancé’s love is also a sacramental from which I can receive grace by wearing it.
For me, the betrothal is a solemn reminder of the important step I was about to take. I could not just buckle when something went wrong or when we had a disagreement. The vows we made were not permanent under penalty of death or sin, but a mere squabble would make me think twice before calling off the engagement. On top of that, my relationship, my engagement, has been blessed by God, and I receive the graces necessary to perform my duty as a woman preparing for marriage. Finally, my engagement ring, as a sacramental, is a reminder of these graces which the Church provides for us entering into Holy Matrimony.
If you would like to read more about the rite of betrothal, this is the entire ceremony:http://laudatedominum.net/files/bet.pdf
