13xmemories

13/01/2023

[twitter.com/Arma-chillo]

13/01/2023

24/05/2022

3 am intrusive thoughts. I typed it out instead of just letting it play
written may 2021
age of event provably 14

He knew what he did was wrong. That's why when I was still some what cool with him even after the fact. I kept telling him I really needed a diary..of to talk to some one. I was dying and I could feel it exploding. That's why he didn't want to get me one..he was anxious and scared of what I would say, and when I did get one. I wrote one thing down, and you guys found it and read it right after. Sarah confronted me about what I had written and simaltinasly blamed me while... admitting what he did. I reamer she Burst in as lol mad saying "I know why you did what you did" I only remember 3 parts..then she said.."the thing is you made it sound so horrible..brain skips again, and she exsplains it's cause he's got a thing for kids..or something.

I had to tear out that page and accept I couldn't talk about it

But he knew he did something wrong..that's why you guys called me pretending to be the cops looking for him to see if how I would react..or turn him in.

Some how I started thinking about the shed again..how. he had hit a walk with trying to get me...I still thought I could be friends with just needed to be firm about it..not let anything happen..he got frustrated or something...so he called Sarah in and..we went to play truth or dare in the shed...the game that started it all..they were both so intimidating about it, but Sarah was clearly upset. Trying to contain her self..I remember someone or both made me feel like I was stuck..told me if I decided I didn't want to play they would make me run around the side of the house naked. The dares started off small, and actually I only I remember the last one. We had a shelf made out of wood in the shed, and I got a dare to let him put it in.. I was up against that shelf. Kinda help up with his thing against me trying to get in..just realized..I think he curves up. I can almost remember Sarah's face but I'm not sure... I some how gathered my self and said no..got down some how. Got out some how, and when inside..at the door to our house I realized the only way I would make it would be to shut down..I had to bury my self alive..close down my feelings so I couldn't be found .cause I knew he was using them to get me..I had no choice but to emotionally disappear..

It took a while to do..suppressing how you feel is very hard..I started blowing up over the place..locking my self in my room to cry..they kept trying to get in, but I would just run out the window and hide in the ally..I was halfway through closing my self off when..I met Brittany. As soon as she caught wind of situation..she started trying to crack me open..she wasn't maniplaitive about it..she came in like a whecking ball...he was good at seeing through people and getting them to open..she was better, but she was scary..I couldn't hide from her..she kept me from disappearing..she saved me.

I realized once I started to try and open my self . That it was like hitt6 against a glass wall..I realized I was trapped.

24/05/2022

22/05/2022

https://anchor.fm/charity-justus

My trauma 💔

22/05/2022

first pages of my journalBook 1
Cjj

Dec 25 7:26 pm

Maybe I should have waited till later to start this, but right now felt like a good time. Finally asked about the type writer only to find out it was my moms. So apparently I have to ask her, and I will to. I guess I went around that one to much. All I had to do was say it.maybe ill take that as a lesson learned.
Today I felt so many emotions, but unlike most days depression wasn’t the main one. They all took turn including peace. Yeah that one was in there pretty good. I felt the spirit of my youth and felt worry melt away, but of course it came, and as reality came back I felt myself tear up, but I did not let it show. I never do.

Dec 26 2:39 pm….note Brittany locked me in the locker

I can’t believe how close I came to crying just cause I got locked in a locker. It was pretty hard not to, but I was not about to. Not with my sister and mom coming and not for a reason such as that. Either way maybe this far to sensitive thing will go away in my to week break away from it all {well almost} thing. Ok lets see last night grumpy today moody and depressed. Oh well I can still control myself so I’m not going to crash out in anger or break down out of no were anytime soon. I cant control my emotions but I can keep them from getting out of hand.

Dec 27 5:39 …notes Brittany invited me to the movie

This morning I woke up in the worst mood. I felt like I was just going to break at any point. My job was to pull myself together within 10-15 minutes . it wasn’t easy , but by the time we left I was back in sorts. Thank goodness I had pretty good stability today, but of course that only cause I forced it on myself this morning. Once we got to Sarah’s it was a test for me. The words Sarah spoke were so negative, but I think only I could tell. Of course that could be because im negative. Then they had to go and pic on me and john again. For the love of peace don’t put more things in my head. And since it was forced on stability it wasn’t all that good. I just wanted go and fall apart somewhere, but we got invited to a movie. Don’t get me wrong I wanted to go, but it just scared me to death on how much it would take for me to break, but I kept it together and was back in “normal” shape before the movie started.

Dec 27 8: 10 pm

I didn’t thing she was going to come after me. I should have considering what she said just before I went in. I was in for a talking. This was last night. you know, the day I said I could handle it. I think deep down I knew better. Any way, I gave it my best. At least I think it was, but I got talking done. Felt much better then from when I started getting comfortable talking when we were practically forced to go to bed. I was blocking a lot of stuff out last night. Many things I didn’t want to know. The truths came back to me in the mourning. Yeah I cried when the truths I was blocking came clear to me. It was different cause there was light showing in the room, normally it has to be really dark before ill cry with people in the room. I didn’t know if I should wake her up and tell her, but either way I didn’t. I think I saw her look over and look at me, but it was a moment when my eyes were dry. Oh well, I fell asleep peacefully and I didn’t feel alone, and that means a lot to me. It left me a feeling ill never forget. Even if it didn’t show. With everything like that I always feel it later, almost never at the time it happens.

Dec 29

Well today I wake up again, and just to freak out all together. This is my third is my third night in a row. Will it ever end. Well no, not unless I can make the right change for once, but in order to do that I must first understand the little things about my change. If I take to long. I’m talking 2 months long. Then ill have to jump in and learn that way. What I plan to fix is my talking problem, and I’ve got a big one trust me. Either way I’m having trouble telling john I need a break. Because I’m losing my head its just I don’t want to hurt him. Anyway to my little emotional problem at the gym today I would not talk for nothing no matter how much I wanted to. It was painful. Everything about this is. oh well, ruff! That’s life! Deal with it! And everything else around you to. Cause I know you know a lot more then you admit.

Dec 30 2:08 pm

Well today I’m just kind of I don’t have a word for it. I woke up for the forth time read to pop! As some call it. It is a pretty good word. What I find odd is.