Whoseshameisitanyway

01/08/2022

13/11/2021

*Trigger Warning* *Baby Loss*

I wanted to mark Baby Loss Awareness month by
remembering all of the babies who didn't make it earth side or who did but couldn't stay.
Sometimes we don't feel like we have a space to grieve so I wanted to give us & our babies a space all of their own. Thank you to everyone who opened up & shared with me their babies names.
The track is my original song Empty Arms which I wrote after my 1st loss.

Huge thanks to Dara McDonagh for shooting the video. Rhiannon O Conor for playing so beautifully.
The Playground HQ for the use of the space.
Cormac Butler for the sound.
Sarah Gray for the visuals.

11/10/2021

If you would like to remember your baby by adding their name(s)/pet name and/or message to a video projection please send me a private message. No other information bar the name/message will be shared and no questions asked. Please feel free to share this post with those who might like to get involved 💞

09/10/2021

Really beautiful piece by Mimi Patchell Smith
We will never forget baby Sweetpea 💞


*if anybody else would like to share a piece (anonymously if you would prefer) I will repost here*

06/10/2021

A rainy day full of sorrow & trauma. Thanks to those who organised & spoke, it made us feel much less alone. It’s in your hands now Stephen Donnelly for Wicklow do the right thing, listen & hear & trust what the women of Ireland need & deserve.

14/06/2021

*TRIGGER WARNING* *MISCARRIAGE/INFERTILITY*

I have been receiving quite a few messages recently in regards to future episodes of the podcast (which is amazing that people still care so thank you). I had fully intended to put out more episodes but my brain just doesn’t have the space at the moment, some info below 💗

I’ve stared at the fluorescent lights in the photo more times than I could have ever imagined, Ive counted the tiles on the ceiling just to let something else in, to numb the reality of it not being ‘3rd time lucky’! no miracles, no reasons, just nature & it’s cruelty.

We have been going through fertility treatment since January and nothing could have prepared me for the experience. Hormones, injections, blood tests, scans, anxiety, heartbreak. It’s hard on mental health, physical health and it’s been hard on our relationship, Its all consuming and I absolutely missed how hard it was on Dara & so we were broken for a little bit but have managed to sew the seams back together.
After an unsuccessful round of IVF and then a natural pregnancy that ended in another ectopic pregnancy (thankfully caught immediately) it’s been hard on every fibre of my being, I don’t think it’s too dramatic to say that I feel like I have lost a part of who I was before it all started, It takes a lot to keep getting back up & to find hope, my body has changed which I am finding extremely hard and I just don’t feel like myself at the moment but I am sure I’ll find a way back. I am lucky to have music as an outlet. My friends & family have been brilliant and I have fortunately or (unfortunately for us) have a number of friends who are going through the same treatment so we swap war stories & diagnoses but I have found this 3rd miscarriage an isolating & lonely experience. So that’s the crooks of it, a long story to a short question. I hope when this grief passes & I can start to feel like Siobhan again I can start up the podcast and share some more stories but for now, we rest. ❤️❤️❤️

01/05/2021

I wrote this last year after losing our 2nd baby & going through the whole process alone in the hospital, 14 months in and NOTHING HAS CHANGED! NOTHING. Please sign the petition ~ https://my.uplift.ie/petitions/lift-restrictions-on-maternity-care

*TRIGGER WARNING* MISCARRIAGE*
In April of this year myself and Dara lost our 2nd baby. At our first scan in March which I attended ALONE because of Covid 19, I was told there was a chance that I might miscarry because of a bleed, I was as you can imagine distraught but I took the doctors advice, went home, rested and Dara and I did all we could to keep our baby safe. At the 2nd scan 8 days later which I also attended ALONE, I was told our babies heartbeat had stopped. I was taken to a room ALONE, waited for 30 mins ALONE, distraught and confused waiting to speak to a doctor, I was made tell my husband over the phone what had happened and he waited ALONE in the car in shock and broken. The doctor proceeded to tell me what my options were, she wanted me to make a decision on the spot about what I should do. My heart was broken and I couldn’t make that decision without Dara. Dara insisted she allow me to come home so we could make this decision together. I then carried my baby for a further 10 days while waiting to be taken into hospital for a D&C which would clear my womb of our baby. I did this once again ALONE. This experience because of the nurses was warm and I felt safe but I needed Dara with me.
I understand that we were early into Covid when this happened for us and things were unclear about the virus, however, we are much further down the line and it’s still happening. While people are meeting in groups in pubs eating their €9 meals women are ALONE either getting the worst news of their life or bringing their baby into the world, this is just no longer acceptable. I am not writing this post for sympathy I would much prefer you sign the petitions & write to the relevant institutions.
So much love and respect to the women who hav been keeping it together and going it ALONE, You have my love and respect forever ❤️

Being pregnant & having a baby without a support partner is cruel & is leaving many people traumatised. The good news is that people power is working and partners will be allowed attend the 20 week scan. Now we're pushing hard to lift the ban on support partners being there for all stages of labour....

20/01/2021

What are your thoughts on Direct Provision? Is there anything you would like to learn or know about the system? I hope to speak with those involved & living in direct provision in the coming weeks. If there is anything you would like me to ask, please leave in the comments below or send me a DM. Thanks to those who have already sent me questions ❤️
*IMAGE IS NOT MINE*
Image By Sarah Toal via Irish Tatler.

12/01/2021

1000 listens on our little podcast. Thank you!
We will be back soon ❤️

09/12/2020

Hello!!! I just wanted to let you know that there will be no more podcast until 2021.
Things are a bit hectic & I want to make sure the content I put out is the best it can be! Thank you for all of the support & love & of course thank you to all of the guests who shared stories with me! We will be back 😍 Have a really lovely, safe Christmas 🌟🌟

26/11/2020

It was really nice to read that ‘Whose Shame Is It Anyway’ was mentioned in Irish Country Magazine yesterday as ‘one of the podcasts we are hooked on’ I really started the podcast to learn more about the situation I had found myself in & how others had coped but this has lead to something much bigger now & there are big plans afoot for 2021.
The podcast episodes will be a little more sporadic now until the end of the year but we still have some brilliant guests to talk to & learn from. I know I am always saying it but thank you to everyone who tunes in each week & goes out of their way to send messages ❤️

23/11/2020

We are back tomorrow!
*Trigger Warning, some talk of self harm*
Tomorrow on the podcast I chat with musician Geoff Warner-Clayton
In 2017, Geoff had a nervous breakdown & he very kindly shares his story with me, we talk about what may have contributed to his breakdown, the coping mechanisms he has created to help him stay well & how sometimes just thinking about trying to cope can be the daunting task. With mental health at an all time high especially among men, it was refreshing to hear Geoff talk so openly about what he had been through. Available on Apple podcasts & iTunes from tomorrow. If you have any comments or questions after the show, please email [email protected]
Podcast engineer
Podcast music composed by

16/11/2020

A huge thank you as always to everyone who has supported the podcast so far.
There will be no podcast tomorrow as I am taking a little break but we will be back next week. We are moving on from the miscarriage topic but I will still be posting about it across social media & of course will answer any questions you might have & we will be revisiting it again at some stage. Please keep sharing the podcast with those who you think might benefit from it & if you are listening on Apple podcasts please subscribe & leave a review. Big love again to everyone & especially to all the guests without whom the podcast couldn’t have been made Mimi Patchell Smith Kitty Maguire Yocella, Yoga, Women's health & Retreats Dara McDonagh Karen Patchell de Ladera Shirani Bolle & to Fiachra Kinder for his recording, editing work & for composing the music for the podcast & to JINJODESIGN for the beautiful logo, it takes a village ❤️

12/11/2020

Did you get a chance to listen to the lastest podcast with Shirani Bolle?
As well as her miscarriage & doula work, Shirani is also one of the founding members Yoca Ireland who are fighting to stamp out racism in the yoga & wellness world. They are running a brilliant initiative at the moment collecting yoga mats for those in direct provision, if you can help them out please do! ❤️ Follow them on Instagram (Yoca.Ireland) to keep up to date with their work!

10/11/2020

*Trigger Warning ~ Miscarriage, pregnancy loss’
On todays episode of I am in conversation with Shirani Bolle. Shirani is a yoga & meditation teacher as well as a birth, postpartum, abortion & miscarriage doula. Shirani works tirelessly to remove the stigma that surrounds miscarriage & pregnancy loss. Shirani is also the founding member of Yoca Ireland which stands for Yogis Of Colour In Action, they are an incredible group of women who are tackling racism in the yoga & wellness world. We chat all of the above plus lots lots more. If you would like to get in touch after the episode, please contact [email protected] and as always thanks for listening ❤️ We recorded this episode remotely over zoom. Available now on Apple, Google & Spotify podcasts ❤️ listen here 👉🏼 https://bit.ly/36oDRn5

Podcast engineer Fiachra Kinder
Podcast music composed by Fiachra Kinder

03/11/2020

Today’s episode of the podcast is now live ❤️
Today I am chatting with the wonderful Karen Patchell De Ladera. Karen talks me through the effect her miscarriages & fertility struggles have had on her & her husband Martin.
We discuss how at times our medical care seemed clinical & cold & how women are still not provided with the information they may need.
Karen describes the joy her baby girl Alma brings to her family & how sometimes all you need is the kindness of strangers.
This episode was recorded remotely over zoom in the middle of September 2020. If you would like to get in touch after the podcast please email [email protected].
Thanks for listening https://apple.co/361psgy

02/11/2020

*TRIGGER WARNING ~ MISCARRIAGE*
I wrote the below 3 weeks after losing my 1st baby & shared it with a number of friends. It made me feel so much better that it was out there and that people knew and could help me through it. I have been overwhelmed at the stories shared with me since starting the podcast, some devastating, some so beautiful & hopeful & I wish I had time to have everyone on the podcast. However, I would like to share as many stories as is possible so if you have a story you would like to tell, send me a message or an email ([email protected]) & I will share it for you. It can be anonymous if you wish.
I have found the stories so healing & maybe you will to. Thanks once again for all of the support 💓
……….............................................................................
‘On Friday September the 4th 2015, I was rushed to hospital by ambulance with what I furiously explained to Dara my partner and the two paramedics was a very dramatic case of trapped wind.

In what Dara has since described as a turn up for the books - I was wrong. It very quickly transpired that the 11 week old baba myself and Dara had created had gotten comfy in the wrong spot and was causing me to bleed internally. Following 35 minutes of emergency surgery, the amazingly compassionate and talented staff of the National Maternity Hospital had removed my fallopian tube and saved my life but inevitably could not save the baba. As nurse Jodi, a complete stranger who had the task of looking after me in intensive care explained to me whilst stroking my face and hand, enveloping me with such warmth and tenderness that it is something I will never forget - there was never going to be a positive outcome, baby was just not meant to be this time around.

Three days later I was at home, bruised and battered but very much alive - (Dara had been to the shops at least 63 times for ‘something nice’ for me) I spend my first five minutes in three days alone and the overwhelming sense of what has happened hits me, suddenly with parents and best friends, jokes and hopes surrounding me, the physical and emotional trauma of losing a baby nauseates me and I want the room to swallow me whole, for these amazing creatures who have been by my bedside with no sleep to f**k right off and for anything to emancipate me from this loss and excruciating emptiness.

I am not stupid (no jokes please) I know that the baby wasn’t fully formed but we had made plans for her, baby had not begun to move inside of me but we had already begun to imagine what she might look like, how she might speak and for those daydreams to be kidnapped from one so easily is torture and the heart breaking thing is that it is happening all the time, my case is certainly not an anomaly. In that moment, I am so disgusted at myself, embarrassed that I hadn’t known what was going on inside my body, angry at myself for getting excited before the 12 week scan that it assaulted all of my senses and I selfishly wished for death.

Now, it is almost three weeks later and with the stitches gone and the bruising abating, it is a little easier to breath but I cry often and am finding it a little hard to navigate through this sad world but I have bombarded my brain with melodies and words and I have never been happier then to be a song writer.

So today, please try to find that something beautiful in your world, that beauty which is exclusive to you - the one thing that you know will always bring you some happiness because as we all know, the s**t can hit the fan in a nano second and it is always handy to have that something to cling to in case of emergency and talk to someone, anyone or if like me you prefer writing to talking, write.

So thank you for reading and even if nobody reads this piece, voicing it out loud helps me with the healing process because I know how much easier it would be for me to stay indoors with my puppy watching Arrested Development and eating Maltesers and wallowing in my own self pity.

An enormous thank you to those family and friends who didn’t f**k off but who stayed and talked and comforted - the emptiness would have been crippling without you and finally to our baby who just couldn’t make it this time around, sleep tight our little love X"

29/10/2020

Thank you to everyone for the lovely messages and outpouring of love for the podcast & in particular the latest episode with Dara.
Any of the resources discussed on the podcast; books, affirmations, counselling services can be found at this link:
https://linktr.ee/Whoseshameisitanyway
Thanks again ❤️

Linktree. Make your link do more.

26/10/2020

26/10/2020

*Trigger Warning* *Miscarriage*
On tomorrow’s episode of the podcast I sit down with my husband Dara McDonagh
Dara talks me through the effect our miscarriages have had on him & his mental health as well as on our relationship. We also talk Covid restrictions & how a good councillor can make all the difference.If you would like to get in touch after the episode you can mail [email protected] ❤️
Listen here from 9am tomorrow 👉🏼 https://apple.co/3dWvWRD

22/10/2020

Thank you to everyone who has gotten in touch about Kitty Maguire Yocella, Yoga, Women's health & Retreats podcast episode. If you haven’t had a chance to listen please do, there’s lots to learn!
Listen Here 👉🏼 https://bit.ly/2FOF1iz
& for those who need some healing, Kitty is running ‘A Deep Resolve’ an online pregnancy release circle on October 28th. I would highly recommend ❤️

20/10/2020

Today’s episode with Kitty Maguire Yocella, Yoga, Women's health & Retreats is now live!
We talk miscarriage, menstrual cycle & treating our bodies with love, care & compassion plus lots lots more ❤️ Available on Apple Podcasts SpotifyPodcasts & Google Podcasts

https://podcasts.apple.com/ie/podcast/whose-shame-is-it-anyway/id1535363918?i=1000495387129

‎Show Whose Shame Is It Anyway, Ep ‘I think the shocking part is how quickly that rug is pulled’ - 20 Oct 2020

19/10/2020

Tomorrow on the podcast is the beautiful Kitty Maguire. Kitty is a yoga teacher & also teaches Menstrual Cycle Awareness. Kitty gives me some insight into how we can use our own menstrual cycles to our advantage. The shame some women can feel after a miscarriage & how we should all be trying to treat our bodies with love, care & compassion & lots lots more! Out tomorrow on Spotify, Apple & Google podcasts ❤️

17/10/2020

Whose Shame Is It Anyway is finally up on Apple Podcasts & here you can like & subscribe ❤️
https://podcasts.apple.com/ie/podcast/whose-shame-is-it-anyway/id1535363918

‎Mental Health · 2020

15/10/2020

My gorgeous friend Kitty Maguire has written a piece on her experience with miscarriage.
Whose Shame Is It Anyway gets a little shout out too. What a woman ❤️

https://www.thejournal.ie/prev/5233049/dvdiAZU7Rr0Po/

Kitty Maguire works with a lot of women who have suffered miscarriages. Today is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day, and until now, Kitty hadn’t written about her own loss.

14/10/2020

This is the online miscarriage healing circle that we spoke about on the podcast yesterday. Run by the brilliant Shirani Bolle ❤️ A really safe, healing space.

12/10/2020

*Trigger Warning* *Miscarriage*
Tomorrow on the first episode of Whose Shame Is It Anyway, I chat with Aimee ( Mimi Patchell Smith ) who very openly & bravely talks me through her 1st miscarriage & loss of her baby boy at 17 weeks in June this year. We talk up & down days, coping mechanisms & healing with the help of our puppies.

If you would like to get in touch after the show you can email [email protected]
*Link will be live at 9am tomorrow*
Thanks for listening ❤️

*Podcast engineer Fiachra Kinder
*Podcast music composed by Fiachra Kinder