Hillsbergfield Times (2024)

18/08/2022

Horse Insurance Company Offers Roadside Veterinary Care

http://hillsbergfield.com/2021/10/01/horse-insurance-company-offers-roadside-veterinary-care/

Local horse insurance company, Kingdom Farm, recently decided to gain a leg over it’s competitors by offering a never done before roadside veterinary care. If you ever find yourself with a si…

11/08/2022

Amulet That Can End All Life Found in Local Cobbler’s Attic

http://hillsbergfield.com/2021/09/29/amulet-that-can-end-all-life-found-in-local-cobblers-attic/

The Amulet of Eternal Doom, a long feared artifact that has the power to end all life turned up last week. A local cobbler ran across it when going through old chests in his attic. “I don& #82…

06/08/2022

Higsby Thornhead announced last Knightenday that he will retire after 33 years as executioner. Stepping into his role is Bobby Nightengale, a 30 year old half-elf with a flair for the dramatic. Now I'm all for people doing something they love, but this kid loves cutting people's heads off a bit too much. "Just excited to be given the opportunity to give executions the step forward it needs."...

http://hillsbergfield.com/2021/09/04/opinion-new-executioner-was-a-little-too-excited-to-start/

Higsby Thornhead announced last Knightenday that he will retire after 33 years as executioner. Stepping into his role is Bobby Nightengale, a 30 year old half-elf with a flair for the dramatic. Now…

04/08/2022

Hillsbergfield Community University Announces Course Catalogue

http://hillsbergfield.com/2021/09/27/hillsbergfield-community-university-announces-course-catalogue/

Hillsbergfield Community University has released the course list for the coming semester. It is posted in its entirety outside the school’s walls, but for those who just wish for a quick summ…

04/08/2022

Three Gnomish Contraptions That Will Change Your Life

http://hillsbergfield.com/2021/09/13/three-gnomish-contraptions-that-will-change-your-life/

1. Fidget Clock For those of us who are constantly needing something to do with our hands, this one’s for us. A fidget clock is a clock that has been outfitted so that the hands spin freely and eas…

28/07/2022

Vampire’s Blood Pairing Guide For Summer Cooking

http://hillsbergfield.com/2021/09/25/vampires-blood-pairing-guide-for-summer-cooking/

1. Have a nice tuna with your hill dwarf. 2. Enjoy your steaks with a fine elder high elf. 3. Cheese and crackers never fails to taste good with a well aerated Hobgloblin. 4. Yeti chops pair amazin…

21/07/2022

Achieve Eternal Life With These Five Easy Steps

https://hillsbergfield.com/2021/09/24/secret-to-eternal-life-with-five-easy-steps/

Last year, we recieved words that dwarven explorers had found the secret to eternal life and you can too with these five easy steps. 1. Watch what you eat 2. Get your daily exercise 3. Make sure to…

14/07/2022

God of Health “Takes a Me Day” Leaving 7 Dead and 13 In Critical Condition

http://hillsbergfield.com/2021/09/22/god-of-health-emotionally-unstable-leaving-7-dead-and-13-in-critical-condition/

Sanitare, the god of health, decided that he had been working long and hard on keeping the people of the world healthy and decided to take a day focusing on his own mental health. This made him una…

09/07/2022

Opinion: New Strain Of Halfling Leaf Hits Like a F***ing Warhammer

http://hillsbergfield.com/2021/09/18/opinion-new-strain-of-halfling-leaf-hits-like-a-fing-warhammer/

The halflings from the other side of the Silver Summits have been been using magic to enhance their newest batches of the halfling leaf and it has become one dank harvest. The newest stuff has some…

30/06/2022

New Survey Finds Rate of Evil Stepmothers at an All Time Low

http://hillsbergfield.com/2021/09/17/new-survey-find-evil-stepmothers-at-all-time-low/

For all those stepchildren out there, a new survey from the I’ll Ask Around survey company finds that the proportion of evil stepmothers is all the way down to 83%, an all time low. “Ne…

23/06/2022

Local Craft Apothecary Comes Out With New Potion of Strength With Hints of Boysenberry

http://hillsbergfield.com/2021/09/15/local-craft-apothecary-comes-out-with-new-potion-of-strength-with-hints-of-boysenberry/

Lines went around the block this morning outside of Potion Perfect, the local, craft apothecary where alchemists have designed a new line of strength potions that are as delicious as they are stren…

21/06/2022

Our Pick: Portrait of Amarthelia Cost: Your ability to experience Déjà vu The portrait of the goddess Amarthelia will constantly speak to you with words of wisdom. Whether she greets you in the morning telling you to "live, laugh, love" or she helps reinforce your alcoholism with a fun "it's always wine o'clock in this house." Also Great: Portrait of Margaret the Great…...

http://hillsbergfield.com/2022/06/21/hillsbergfield-buyer-guide-talking-paintings/

Our Pick: Portrait of Amarthelia Cost: Your ability to experience Déjà vu The portrait of the goddess Amarthelia will constantly speak to you with words of wisdom. Whether she greets you in the mor…

16/06/2022

Confession Corner: Witch Articles Scare Me Because I Never Right The Write Spelling of Witch

http://hillsbergfield.com/2021/09/11/confession-corner-witch-articles-scare-me-because-i-never-right-the-write-spelling-of-witch/

When I’m righting articles about witches, I never can tell which witch spelling is which. I just never right the write witch. I just know that I’ll send my copy to the magic quills and …

14/06/2022

Belzanithar is a warlock living in a tower off the coast of Hillsbergfield has been freezing his ass off ever since he moved out to the remote location. Sea winds blow through with cold air that not even a blazing fireplace can solve. That's when Balzanithar decided to get creative. He crafted a cage with ropes soaked in holy water and opened a portal to the nine hells below the cage....

http://hillsbergfield.com/2021/09/06/warlock-opens-portal-to-hell-to-solve-heating-problem/

Belzanithar is a warlock living in a tower off the coast of Hillsbergfield has been freezing his ass off ever since he moved out to the remote location. Sea winds blow through with cold air that no…

12/06/2022

Guard Who Always Tells the Truth Wasn’t Invited to the Guard Who Always Lies’ Surprise Party and I Think You Know Why

http://hillsbergfield.com/2021/09/10/guard-who-always-tells-the-truth-wasnt-invited-to-the-guard-who-always-lies-surprise-party-and-i-think-you-know-why/

Our favorite castle guards, Trudo and Falso, are back in the paper again, except this time, it’s personal. Trudo, the guard who only ever tells the truth wasn’t invited to a surprise pa…

11/06/2022

Hillsbergfiled Homeowners Association Files Complaint Against Giant Beanstalk

http://hillsbergfield.com/2021/09/08/hillsbergfiled-homeowners-association-files-complaint-against-giant-beanstalk/

Recently, a giant beanstalk has taken root on the rural edges of uptown Hillsbergfield. It has grown all the way to the clouds and locals are starting to call it a true eye-soar. The local HOA has …

08/06/2022

Adorina is a 12 year old girl on the upper west side of town. Every day, she is forced to dress herself for school and every day, she is made fun of for her choices. Her style was weak and the queen bees could tell. Last week, she had enough and ventured into the forest to find a fairy to give her a new sense of fashion....

http://hillsbergfield.com/2021/09/03/fairy-brings-wardrobe-to-life-and-its-being-a-sassy-little-asshole/

Adorina is a 12 year old girl on the upper west side of town. Every day, she is forced to dress herself for school and every day, she is made fun of for her choices. Her style was weak and the quee…

02/06/2022

Whether it's their lust for brains or lack of brains, those risen from the dead are proven to be less communicative, write fewer words per minute, and have less of a go-getter attitude than those who haven't been risen from the dead.

http://hillsbergfield.com/2022/06/02/study-shows-individuals-brought-back-from-the-dead-are-95-less-productive-than-those-who-havent/

Whether it’s their lust for brains or lack of brains, those risen from the dead are proven to be less communicative, write fewer words per minute, and have less of a go-getter attitude than t…

01/06/2022

Sadistic Hydra Cuts Off Own Heads For Power. “Is This Too Dark?” Asks One of Our Journalists

http://hillsbergfield.com/2021/09/01/sadistic-hydra-cuts-own-heads-to-gain-power-is-this-too-dark-asks-local-journalist/

A sadistic hydra was found in the mountains with over 500 heads, after continuously decapitating it’s heads to grow two new ones in their place. The reporter sent to investigate comes back and asks…

25/05/2022

A new study shows that there's a lot of false narratives being spread around Hillsbergfield. Our news agency just wants to say that we vet our stories to the extreme and report them with 100% accuracy. The town crier, however, is a gossip machine that is clearly poisoning this town with fake news. His tabloidic headlines draw hasty conclusions, paint false narratives, and turn people against each other....

http://hillsbergfield.com/2022/05/25/new-study-shows-misinformation-in-hillsbergfield-on-the-rise-we-blame-the-town-crier/

A new study shows that there’s a lot of false narratives being spread around Hillsbergfield. Our news agency just wants to say that we vet our stories to the extreme and report them with 100%…

18/05/2022

New Hillsbergfield modeling agency offers models a chance to be turned to stone for 100 years, promising to turn you back into a person once the 100 years is up. They promise they're totally legit and will for sure turn you back, and when they do they'll give you one million gold pieces, or one and a half million if you do nudity.

http://hillsbergfield.com/2022/05/18/new-modeling-agency-offers-to-turn-you-into-a-stone-statue-for-100-years-youll-definitely-wake-up-they-promise/

New Hillsbergfield modeling agency offers models a chance to be turned to stone for 100 years, promising to turn you back into a person once the 100 years is up. They promise they’re totally …

17/05/2022

Prince of Ranglador Found a Genie! Here’s How We Grade His Three Wishes

http://hillsbergfield.com/2021/08/28/prince-of-ranglador-found-a-genie-heres-how-we-grade-his-three-wishes/

Wish 1: A castle the size of a mountain Review: Really? This is your number one draft choice with a genie wish? Your people are starving in the streets and you want a big house. Hey, genius, how ar…

17/05/2022

Lonely Necromancer Just Wanted a Friend For Game Night

http://hillsbergfield.com/2021/08/30/lonely-necromancer-just-wanted-a-friend-for-gamenight/

Arthur Boneswright, the Necromancer in the Forest of Woe, has brought back to life six corpses he found in the surrounding area. This was not an attempt to form an army or acquire slaves for his da…

13/05/2022

Competing Shipping Companies Employ Sirens and Mermaids to Disrupt Competitors

http://hillsbergfield.com/2021/08/27/competing-shipping-companies-employ-sirens-and-mermaids-to-disrupt-competitors/

Sailgoods and WaterTransport, the two major companies who ship goods to the port of Hillsbergfield, have been in competition for centuries. However, that competition recently escalated when Sailgoo…

09/05/2022

My Flesh Golem and Me: A Heartwarming Tale

http://hillsbergfield.com/2021/08/25/my-flesh-golem-and-me-a-heartwarming-tale/

Peter is an 11 year old boy, who has been orphaned for three years. When he was just 8, Peter’s parents got turned to stone by Medusa, then carelessly dropped by Medusa’s housecleaner, shattering t…

06/05/2022

New Report Says Setting Traps In Dungeon Reduces Break-Ins By 41%

http://hillsbergfield.com/2021/08/23/new-report-says-setting-traps-in-your-dungeon-reduces-break-ins-by-41/

A new report coming out from the Kobold Society of Hillsbergfield says that setting traps in your dungeon reduces break-ins by 41%. That’s right, so get your dungeon traps now.

04/05/2022

Local Priest Calling For a Crusade, Pontifex Responds “Not a Good Time For Me, How’s Next Week?”

http://hillsbergfield.com/2021/08/20/local-priest-calling-for-a-crusade-pontifex-responds-not-a-good-time-for-me-hows-next-week/

A local priest for the Sect of the Five Gods by the name of Dale McKinnley has been standing on the stump outside his church all day claiming we must engage on a holy crusade to take back the Holy …

02/05/2022

Wizard Invents Love Potion, Uses It as Antidepressant

http://hillsbergfield.com/2021/08/18/wizard-invents-love-potion-uses-it-as-antidepressant/

A high elf wizard in the Silvertip Mountains has been reported to have finally invented a love potion after years of trial and error. But instead of using it to trick other citizens into falling in…

29/04/2022

Wizard Claims to Have Invented Time Travel, Yet Refuses To Kill Orcish Tyrant As A Baby

http://hillsbergfield.com/2021/08/13/wizard-claims-to-have-invented-time-travel-yet-refuses-to-kill-orcish-tyrant-as-a-baby/

A wizard in Tollitzborough, Romandicus, claims to have recently invented a spell capable of time travel. Local authorities have urged Romandicus to use his new spell to travel back 40 years and kil…

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