The Silent Why Podcast

11/07/2024

🔊 NEW EPISODE OUT! 🔈
My graveyard musings from Moorslede Cemetery in Belgium:
https://www.thesilentwhy.com/podcast/episode/7d3e7b56/graveyard-musings-moorslede-belgium

I've always loved graveyards. I'm not sure what it is about them that draws me in, but a little while ago I decided to record my musings as I wander round them and share them with you. So, that's what these Graveyard Musing episodes are, just me (and sometimes Chris too), with my phone, in a graveyard.

And it feels like ages since I've put out a My Why or Graveyard Musings, so here you go, and it's not just any old musing - this one is from Moorslede Communal Cemetery in Belgium, and has another cameo from the one and only Chris Sandys. 🙂

We chat about how different graves are in Belgium (really different!), find a second cemetery on the other side of the road, and marvel at a watering can invention I'm still bowled over by.

You might want to see what we're talking about in this episode, so for photos of the cemetery pop over to https://www.thesilentwhy.com/post/graveyardmusingsbelgiumagain

And for more graveyard episodes like this one, visit the podcast shownotes for the links or search the podcast page on the website for 'graveyard musing'.

Images and video to accompany 'Graveyard Musings goes to Belgium again' episode

09/07/2024

We're celebrating a birthday in our house 🎉. Yes another year has ticked around since I was born on a very hot day in England (basically, the opposite of today! 🙈).

And as it's my first birthday since Herman existed, he's going all out for it.

So because I love to share things, and today is about gifts, I'd love it if you'd think about someone you could gift a Herman to, someone that needs a smile and a new friend 😍, and then to help you make that happen, I'm offering 15 % off all Hermans purchased today!

(Or maybe you just want one for yourself - I highly recommend his company! 😁)

Pop over to www.thehermancompany.com to purchase your Herman now! 🎉

Or if you'd like to support my work helping griefy people, you can buy me a fancy birthday tea instead at: www.buymeacoffee.com/thesilentwhy 😁

Thank you all for being such a great support and encouragement to me and my work with the podcast and The Herman Company ❤️, your financial support makes all this possible and helps so many people navigate grief.

Sending you all birthday hugs today! 😁

08/07/2024

Over the last few months I've been adding some of the lovely words and reviews I've received over the years to the homepage of the website. And I thought to myself - 💡 'I should share these on social media too'. So you can expect to see posts now where I share the words that people have sent me, or used to review the podcast. (Obviously I have permission from them all. 😉 You know me! ✅)

This comment was a huge encouragement because in our podcast interviews we're dealing with very big, very real, very personal topics, and because of that, it's really important to me that the guests feel comfortable, heard and understood. Plus, some of our guests have done many interviews, so not only do I want us to be one of the most enjoyable and memorable (why wouldn't I?!) but I also want to come across professional, and so this quote just confirms I might be on the right track. 👌

Thank you to everyone who has ever told me that the podcast means something to them or has helped them in some way - as 'Words' is one of my love languages I feel particularly loved by such comments and feel I can never quite thank people enough in return for what they express. 💗

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

"Kind words do not cost much. Yet they accomplish much."
Blaise Pascal

02/07/2024

"I wish I wasn't watching it all happen from behind the desk. You know? It feels like everyone's growing up all around me."

I was watching for the 5th time recently (one of my happy, safe places on TV), and there was a scene that I really identified with, and I think a lot of you will too.

The girl in the image is (Emily Hampshire) playing the character Stevie Budd, and Stevie's best friend David Rose (Daniel Levy) has just got engaged. David's mother, Moira (Catherine O'Hara), assumes she's a bit sad and off colour because she was caught off guard by the engagement (as Stevie's still single), but Stevie corrects her. Even though Stevie is super happy for her friend, she says it just feels like everyone's growing up around her and she's getting left behind.

When you don't have a partner, get married, or have children/grandchildren, one of the hardest parts is watching everyone else 'grow up' around you. People are having experiences you're not having, and then they move onto the next experiences, and the next, and it can soon feel like you're just an onlooker, or you're left behind somehow. I totally understood Stevie's emotions in this scene and I'm so grateful it was put in.

And Moira has a lovely response for Stevie after she hears her honest response:

"You I'm not worried about. What the hell is your secret, Stevie? You just stand your solid ground, refusing to be anything but you. Never thought I'd say this about anyone in this town, but you, you're very very cool."

If you've felt those feelings, or are feeling them now, then I want you to add your name into this quote. I know it's not easy, and yes you'll get sad about these moments you're missing out on, or aren't part of your life, but if you are continuing to live your life to the best of your ability, if you are refusing to be anything but you - then you my friend, are very very cool. 😎

26/06/2024

🎙️ NEW 'LET'S CHAT' EPISODE OUT NOW 🎙️
https://www.thesilentwhy.com/podcast/episode/7c8f6445/lets-chat-life-in-a-hospice-with-maddy-bass-and-kay-backhouse

What do you imagine when you think about a hospice? Death? People crying? Sad, depressing atmosphere?

Well, I have a feeling this conversation will change your mind completely! In fact, it made me want to go and visit one. 🙂

In this episode I chat to Maddy Bass (Director of Nursing) and Kay Backhouse (Clinical Administrator) who both work at St John's Hospice in Lancashire.

Hospices might have a sort of scary reputation if you've never been in one, but actually, they couldn't be more different, and if you speak to anyone that works in one, you'll find that out. So I want this episode to help us learn about how beautiful, amazing, and hope-filled life in a hospice can be.

And this chat gives us both sides of the hospice experience because Maddy has wanted to work with people who are dying all her life, and Kay experienced the death of her brother in a hospice. So they’re the perfect pair to give us an insight into what life is like working in a hospice, but also what it’s like as the family member of someone who is having end of life care.

We discuss everything about day-to-day life in a hospice, who pays for it (in England), why they’re so important, what their role is compared to hospitals, what they want people to know about hospices, and how working around grief and death affects their own dealings with it personally.

You'll find links in the podcast show notes, and for more about St John's Hospice, visit: www.sjhospice.org.uk

For more about Kay, and her book, 'Losing You, Finding Me', visit: www.kay.backhouse.com.

24/06/2024

A shout out to the special moments that hosting a podcast about grief has brought me. And what better way to show that than sharing this poem that was sent to me (and written for me) by one of my lovely, newest online/follower friends, and fellow participant - .

Isn't it a beautiful exploration of grief? Especially the loss experienced through .

And I also want to thank everyone that's ever messaged/contacted/emailed me, met up with me (or tried to 😉), sent me gifts, sent me encouragements, written a poem, written a song, shared their experience of grief, donated to my , bought/gifted a Herman (), understood my story, had patience with my journey, told me that what I'm doing matters.

I'm so thankful and appreciative of you and you don't know how many times those, what probably feel like small gestures to you, have felt huge to me and kept me going on days when I just want to give up.

And I also want to thank those of you who follow me on social media, those who listen to the podcast, the quiet ones that I don't know are there - thank you for being part of all this too.

We who grieve are a special community of some of the most beautiful people I've ever met, with the best conversational skills, the kindest words, the biggest empathy, the deepest levels of creativity, and the nicest faces 🥰.

Grief is awful, yes. But it opens doors to so many wonderful things; joy, hope, connections, creativity, first laughs, new charities, books to help others, tools to get through, and even podcasts. And it does that in way I haven't quite seen anywhere else (except maybe in the faith community).

We who grieve are special, we are together in this, and we will keep hold of hope, forever and a day. 😉

Since I can't send you all Hermans, I'm sending hugs. 🥰

24/06/2024

A shout out to the special moments that hosting a podcast about grief has brought me. And what better way to show that than sharing this poem that was sent to me, and written for me, by one of my lovely, newest online/follower friends, and fellow participant - .

Isn't it a beautiful exploration of grief? Especially the loss experienced through .

And I also want to thank everyone that's ever messaged/contacted/emailed me, met up with me (or tried to 😉), sent me gifts, sent me encouragements, written a poem, written a song, shared their experience of grief, sent me a link, donated to my Buy Me a Coffee, bought/gifted a Herman, understood my story, had patience with my journey, told me that what I'm doing matters.

I'm so thankful and appreciative of you and you don't know how many times those, what probably feel like small gestures to you, have felt huge to me and kept me going on days when I just want to give up.

And I also want to thank those of you who follow me on social media, those who listen to the podcast, the quiet ones that I don't know are there - thank you for being part of all this too.

We who grieve are a special community of some of the most beautiful people I've ever met, with the best conversational skills, the kindest words, the biggest empathy, the deepest levels of creativity, and the nicest faces 🥰.

Grief is awful, yes. But it opens doors to so many wonderful things; joy, hope, connections, creativity, first laughs, new charities, books to help others, tools to get through, and even podcasts. And it does that in way I haven't quite seen anywhere else (except maybe in the faith community).

We who grieve are special, we are together in this, and we will keep hold of hope, forever and a day. 😉

Since I can't send you all Hermans, I'm sending hugs. 🥰

24/06/2024

A shout out to the special moments that hosting a podcast about grief has brought me. And what better way to show that than sharing this poem that was sent to me (and written for me) by one of my lovely, newest online/follower friends, and fellow Writing Battle participant - Puca (www.instagram.com/beagpuca_writer).

Isn't it a beautiful exploration of grief, especially the loss experienced through .

And I also want to thank everyone that's ever messaged/contacted/emailed me, met up with me (or tried to 😉), sent me gifts, sent me encouragements, written a poem, written a song, shared their experience of grief, donated to my Buy Me a Coffee, bought/gifted a Herman, understood my story, had patience with my journey, told me that what I'm doing matters.

I'm so thankful and appreciative of you and you don't know how many times those, what probably feel like small gestures to you, have felt huge to me and kept me going on days when I just want to give up.

And I also want to thank those of you who follow me on social media, those who listen to the podcast, the quiet ones that I don't know are there - thank you for being part of all this too.

We who grieve are a special community of some of the most beautiful people I've ever met, with the best conversational skills, the kindest words, the biggest empathy, the deepest levels of creativity, and the nicest faces 🥰.

Grief is awful, yes. But it opens doors to so many wonderful things; joy, hope, connections, creativity, first laughs, new charities, books to help others, tools to get through, and even podcasts. And it does that in way I haven't quite seen anywhere else (except maybe in the faith community).

We who grieve are special, we are together in this, and we will keep hold of hope, forever and a day. 😉

Since I can't send you all Hermans, I'm sending hugs. 🥰

13/06/2024

🎙️ Podcast Rewind: Meet Steve Keogh. 👮
https://www.thesilentwhy.com/podcast/episode/79e9abdd/loss-of-life-through-murder-steve-keogh

This was the first time in our list of 101 different types of loss that we decided to chat to people who work in careers that face loss on a regular basis. And where better to start than someone who worked with people who take the life of others?

In this episode (which I can't believe was 2 years ago!), we hear from Steven Keogh who retired from London's Metropolitan Police in 2021 and since then has earned a following for his written and TV work, YouTube videos, and now crime writing course and podcast. In fact, he's been so busy I had to update all the links in the podcast's show notes!

We felt it was important to talk to people who work around loss, death and grief every day, because although the loss might not be personal to them, how they deal with the grief and their reaction to it, is very personal.

This isn't a subject that's talked about enough in careers that face death as part of their day job. Just because people do these jobs, it doesn't mean they find it any easier to cope with death in large numbers or harrowing situations.

In this chat Steve was very open about his work, how he's dealt with seeing, what is probably, the worst that humans can do to each other, the effect of such a job on his personal life, and why people do the bad things they do. He also talks about how he's dealt with his own personal grief and how his job might have impacted that.

Do you know someone that works in a job around grief, death, or loss on a daily basis? Why not share this episode, or any of our others to help them know they're not alone in having to find ways to cope. There's a full list of our episodes chatting to people in jobs that work around loss on the website (inc: funeral directors, paediatric nurse, cardiac surgeon, police chaplain, end of life coach, funeral celebrants, emergency room consultant) halfway down this page: https://www.thesilentwhy.com/letschat

For more about Steve visit the links our show notes or https://stevekeogh.com/

11/06/2024

🎧NEW EPISODE OUT - LOSS 55/101🎙️
Loss through addiction with Lisa Newman
https://www.thesilentwhy.com/podcast/episode/7c5b2d35/loss-54101-loss-through-addiction-lisa-newman

We're so excited to share this episode, not only is it long awaited, but it's also an episode that's been requested by those who have been through it, and looks into a topic that is hugely connected to grief, yet so often overlooked - addiction.

Addiction can cause the loss of health, relationships, family, control, identity, freedom, money, homes, even life itself, and so much more. So when you reach recovery, and are then faced with all you've lost, how do you grieve that?

Meet the lovely Lisa Newman, who has known the power of addiction since the age of 10 years old.

Since then Lisa's addictions to drink and drugs have seen her in prison, homeless, in hospital, and facing griefs of all kinds, from loss of friends, to childlessness and the loss of a life she thought she'd have.

This is a very honest and vulnerable conversation that highlights the loss and grief that addiction brings with it, but also the life-changing power that hope and gratitude can have.

And Lisa now helps others come off drink and drugs through Recalibrate Recovery.

For more about Lisa visit www.recalibrate-recovery.com or the links in the show notes.

06/06/2024

Why is it so flippin' hard to enjoy the messy and imperfect in our lives? Why is it that, in this day and age, there's a constant need and pressure for life to be perfect?

I don't know about you, but I have not reached the point where I can 'enjoy' all the messy and imperfect parts of my life.

But - I really want to.

I've been pondering on this over the last few weeks. I'm now on week 7 of a cough-and-hope-your-bladder-holds, wake-up-every-hour-of-the-night-with-a-throat-like-sandpaper viral thing, that I was kindly gifted by the planet. Subsequently, although I've managed to keep the podcast going out on schedule, I haven't been able to do much social media, write any blogs, work on my novel, promote Hermans for much needed income, work on the new podcast series I want to do, or generally enjoy much in my day-to-day as I walk around with a bottle of water and box of tissues attached to my person.

To me, who doesn't also have career on the go or a children to raise, this feels like failure. Imperfection. Mess. And I'll be honest - I'm not enjoying it.

I'm not doing the social media I could/should/would be doing, I'm not doing fun things with my husband, I'm not building more followers, I'm not increasing my income, I'm not submitting my novel to agents, I'm not seeing friends, I'm not building a career, I'm not a mother, I'm not even 'well' half the time. So, what am I?
Animal, vegetable or mineral? 😆 I'm leaning towards vegetable. 🥔

Sure, I've learnt ways to find the beauty and the glimmers along the way and accept a life I didn't really want (heck, I've written blogs on it!). I'm learning about the beauty in grief, and all loss can teach me, and I'm learning how to accept certain aspects of my life with a body that's super sensitive to hormones, but these last few weeks I can honestly say I'm not 'enjoying the messy and imperfect'.

However, I'm not a quitter, so for me this is just something else to work on.

Can I get to a place where my week is derailed by health (for the millionth time) and accept it?
Can I open social media and see mothers, very active creatives, and not feel like I'm failing?

I'm going to try.

Answers on a postcard 😉

04/06/2024

🎙️BONUS EPISODE OUT NOW! 🎧

We're back with our promised bonus material from last week's interview, featuring husband Jonathon:
https://www.thesilentwhy.com/podcast/episode/7907666f/bonus-episode-loss-53101-part-2-jonathon-and-laura-burns-on-alopecia-dating-and-hope-through-ill-health

In last week's episode (Loss 53) we spoke to a friend of ours, Laura, about alopecia and coming to terms with the loss of her hair (you'll probably want to check that episode out first if you haven't heard it), but she wasn't the only one sat in the podcast studio for that in-person interview.

Quietly perched in the corner was husband, Jonathon.

And we decided we wanted to chat to Jonathon as well - what's it been like from his side of things, and how has he navigated this with his own health challenges?

Both Laura and Jonathon have had more than their fair share of health conditions. Jonathon was born with renal failure and later had a kidney transplant, and Laura has had brain surgery more than once, so they're not strangers deep, difficult conversations.

In this chat, Jonathon shares his side of the 'wig flying off story', how he's managed his own health challenges, how they communicated about their health when dating, how they've found their way in marriage together, and what part faith has played in that.

How this couple are, and see life, despite all their health challenges, is truly inspiring.

28/05/2024

🎙️NEW EPISODE OUT NOW! 🎙️
Loss 53: Loss of hair through alopecia
https://www.thesilentwhy.com/podcast/episode/7a41eed1/loss-53101-loss-of-hair-through-alopecia-laura-burns

What's it like to suddenly start losing your hair at the age of 22? How open should you be about it when you start dating?

Meet Laura Burns, a social worker for an anti modern-slavery charity, but also a friend of ours, who has alopecia.

In fact, we only recently found this out, so this was the first time we were hearing her experiences and it was a real honour to record it to share with you.

Alopecia appeared in Laura’s life very unexpectedly at the age of 22 years old, and in this chat Laura shares what it is, what kind of loss it is, the journey to finding the right wig, how she found the right man 😉, and how it's not always been easy to know what to share with others and when.

Plus, she tells us about some of the more humorous moments, e.g. when her now-husband Jonathon first saw her without her wig - well worth tuning in for. 😉

And this is a very special episode because it was only our 2nd in-person interview, after nearly 200 podcast episodes! So it was very exciting to chat face-to-face with Laura in our podcast studio.

AND next week we've got bonus podcast material for you! Have a listen to this episode to find out what that's all about.

For help, support or more information on alopecia visit: Alopecia UK - Charity

22/05/2024

Well, here they are. The first 51 losses in our mission to find 101 different types of loss. 💗

We had a big day on 30 April 2024 because we published Loss 51 and officially reached our halfway mark. 🥳

So, of course, halfway through that episode we just had to stop and mark the big moment, and we knew Thea, our guest, wouldn't mind the interruption in her episode, because we know her personally, and she's lovely 😀.

When we started the podcast in September 2021 we wondered how long it would take to get to 101 losses. At the time we were putting out two episodes per week (one was a blog) so assumed it might be within a couple of years. Well, nearly three years later and we're only halfway.

Why?

Well, I got so wrapped up in the subject of grief and loss that I started putting out lots of extra content in-between the loss episodes (e.g. Let's Chat episodes, Blogs, Graveyard Musings, Loss on TV, The Even More Silent Why...), and then we started releasing episodes every other week, and well, here we are.

It has been such a privilege to share so many conversations with so many people about loss, grief and hope.

I love this image! To me it's a big Silent Why family photo (and I include the Let's Chat guests in that, who aren't on this image). Every single person has experienced loss of some kind and I can tell you all their names and their stories. And in a weird way I feel like their tales of loss and grief are almost interwoven with my own now, because from every interview I've learnt something about how to grieve.

I've learnt the importance of feeling the feelings that come up in you because their always there for a reason.
I've learnt that there are losses just as painful as a bereavement even if no one dies.
I've learnt that ALL losses involve grief.
I've learnt all grief is different.
I've learnt hundreds of ways to deal with grief and the importance of finding what works for you personally.
I've learnt you can't spot grief in people, some carry it invisibly.
I've learnt humans are strong and that grief rarely has the last word.
I've learnt that hope is possible even in the darkest losses.
I've learnt so much of our journey with grief, and how we survive it, is a choice.
I've learnt that loss and griefy people are the bestest, most inspiring people.
And I've learnt that I can't wait to talk to the next 50 people to learn loads more. 😉

For a full list of our losses so far visit: thesilentwhy.com/101losses

Please consider sharing an episode with someone you know who might be struggling with loss - hearing how others cope with grief is such an important tool in helping people have hope in the midst of their loss.

15/05/2024

Always very grateful when people share our podcast episodes to help others benefit from it too. Even better when they set up their own web pages about it! Thank you so much The Aortic Dissection Charitable Trust 👌🏻

Gain a deeper understanding of aortic surgery through the eyes of Prof Mark Field, who discusses the emotional impact and responsibilities of his profession.

14/05/2024

🎙️NEW EPISODE OUT NOW🎧
https://www.thesilentwhy.com/podcast/episode/7961a364/loss-52101-loss-of-life-for-a-cardiac-surgeon-mark-field
This is a rare conversation that you won't want to miss!

What's it like to handle a human heart? Or to operate in that small space between life and death? Is there grief for a surgeon when a patient dies? If so, why don't surgeons talk about it more?

Meet Mark Field, a cardiac surgeon from Liverpool Heart and Chest Hospital and Charity who joined me, in-between commitments at work, to talk about life, death and loss in surgery. Mark and I connected through the The Aortic Dissection Charitable Trust, and I'm very grateful because it's a great conversation (plus, I got one of the best ever excuses for being late to a Zoom call - tune in to hear that).

This isn't a subject that's discussed much with surgeons, even Mark had reservations talking about it because it's an unspoken topic. Yet we also both knew it was a vital area to explore to help other surgeons know they're not alone and to help those just entering the career.

Just because you work in a career that encounters death, doesn't that mean you find it any easier to face than people in other jobs. And, like many other careers we've covered on the podcast, it's once again surprising how little training is provided to medical professionals when it comes to delivering the news of a patient’s death. Especially when people's responses to bad news are so varied.

In this conversation you'll hear about how hard it is when major operations don't end with a healthy recovery, how surgeons control (or don’t control) human emotions, the privilege of working with such a valuable organ, and why hope plays such an important role in Mark's job.

And because trying to co-ordinate the diaries of a journalist and a heart surgeon got really tricky, Chris wasn't able to join me in this episode, so I was flying solo.

If you want to hear how other careers handle dealing with death, visit www.thesilentwhy.com/letschat and scroll down to 'Jobs working with loss, grief and death' for a full list.

13/05/2024

I'm about to send out another newsletter soon. I don't do them too often, just to keep you all updated on what's going on at The Silent Why HQ.

If you're not subscribed yet, you can do that in the next 24 hours and be on the list for my next missive of hope 😁

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01/05/2024

We've done it! We've reached the halfway point on our mission to find and explore 101 different types of loss.

We started the podcast in September 2021 and our first guest was exploring the loss of marriage and the pain of divorce, now, two and half years later, we've just released Loss 51 exploring the grief of losing a parent you didn't know if you loved (or if they loved you). And halfway through Loss 51 we took a quick moment to celebrate our milestone.

Through Loss 1-51 we've covered MANY kinds of loss and grief inc; childlessness, loss of limbs, loss through mental illness, loss through health conditions, loss of family, loss through raising children with complex or traumatic health conditions, loss through school shootings, loss of a species or pet, loss of pregnancies and children, loss of identity, loss through eating disorders, loss of accreditations, loss of reality, dreams, cumulative grief, disenfranchised grief, sexual grief, grief when the circumstances of the death are hard to explain, grief without a body, careers that involve working with loss daily - and much more.

We've spoken to over 50 people about all kinds of loss and there are many more to come. For the full 101 lost list so far, visit: https://www.thesilentwhy.com/101losses.

Interviews coming up include; loss of hair, loss of patients for a heart surgeon, and loss through addiction.

The losses just keep coming and we'll keep bringing people to you that have been through them and want to share with you how they navigate their grief and how they want to help others from it.

Every single one of our guests has answered the same last question: What's your Herman? See www.thesilentwhy.com/herman, but basically it's 'what have you learnt from your grief that you'd like to share with others?'

These Hermans are there to help you through your grief and offer us hope from people who have been through things that maybe we fear going through ourselves. You can hear these Hermans put together as our 'Hermontage' in the summary episodes Chris and I do every 10 losses.

And of course - Herman is now a real thing you can gift to other people: www.thehermancompany.com. 😉