Sensitive Matters

13/06/2024

S***m donation can make Father’s Day difficult.

Our latest blog shares an article by urging us to be mindful of donor conceived people, recipient and biological parents on Sunday.

She brings to life a scenario where a person finds out about their s***m donor through a DNA kit, how they feel about their parents not having been truthful, making the benefits of ‘tell early and tell often” glaringly obvious.

Alison explores whether and how to acknowledge a biological father on Father’s Day. She shines a light on the various reactions people get when approaching biological parents. We can prepare our children as much as possible, but how contact ultimately unfolds is not in our gift. On Father’s Day spare a thought for all DCP reaching out to a biological parent and hope the universe responds with good karma for all parties!

She talks about the grief they feel if their biological father has died, an increasingly likely scenario where people find out later in life. It’s a complicated grief – the loss of something never known. She so accurately points out that the world of donor conception is full of losses.

She makes some great points about the importance of genetics with gems like: “Genetics has no meaning – until it does” and “Genetics may not be everything, but it is not nothing.”

Alison talks sensitively about how the person raising a donor conceived child feels on days like Father’s Day. Someone who hasn’t told their child might have imposter twinges. This is far less likely though if you have told – for children that have known for as long as they can remember, Dad will always be Dad.

Alison makes a great point about biological parents’ other children, highlighting the complexity of extended family dynamics.

She asks us to consider those donating gametes and the different emotions they may experience on this day – from trepidation to dread, from disinterest to longing.

This Father’s Day spare a thought for all donor conceived people, recipient and biological parents, donors and their families. Holidays like these can be tricky. We wish you and yours a happy and peaceful time of it.

***mdonation

19/04/2024

We are super proud to be supporting the ‘The Virtual Donor Conception Summit’ 🤩 - an online event, specially curated to provide knowledge and insights from real lived experiences.

Whether you are considering to grow your family, already parenting a donor conceived child or in fact you’re a donor or professional working within the field wanting to learn more – this event will be for you!

Hosted by the experienced team at , ‘The Virtual Donor Conception Summit’ is taking place between 1pm – 6pm (London BST) on Saturday the 27th of April.

Your event ticket grants you:
• A 14 Day All Access Pass – the all-access pass grants the ability to watch back a recording of the live event at a time that suits you
• Panel discussions and Q&A with lived experiences of recipient parents from all types of family, donor conceived individuals and donors
• Additional inputs from the donor conception community (including a little something from )
• Tailored reflective and compassionate keynotes with our brilliant Paths to Parenthub professionals
• Bonus content and giveaways for live attendees
• Downloadable journal to collect your thoughts and learnings throughout the day
• Virtual drinks and Q&A with The Paths to Parenthub Team

Furthermore, 5% of all ticket sales are going to - a new peer led non-profit aiming to support donor conceived people and their families.

https://pathstoparenthub.com/virtual-summit/

07/02/2024

For fertility providers: How to Create a Best Practice Support Program

Link to the article in our bio.

Our 2023 survey showed that the child is not at the forefront of fertility planning. Recipient parents told us unequivocally that they did not receive enough support from clinics/banks when embarking on a fertility journey using donor gametes. Parents felt betrayed by the industry, angry even, that in a vulnerable moment they weren't given the right information to make important and life changing decisions.

We’ve learnt through personal experience and loads of parents’ input, what's important to someone trying to conceive is vastly different to what's important when you are finally raising a donor conceived child. The support future parents anticipate they’ll need from a bank/clinic is different to the support they’ll truly value. This means people might well choose their bank/clinic without questioning the support they can expect after their child is born. Therefore, it takes ethics and vision for an organisation to focus on their post birth support program.

What can clinics/banks do to change parent sentiment? What support could they offer to make parents feel they made truly informed decisions and are confident they can parent a DC child appropriately? What would a world class support program look like?

We think there are 6 elements to a best practice support program:
1 Access to the voices and opinions of DCP (needed before commencing a donor journey)
2 Counselling (needed before and after commencing a donor journey)
3 Community support
4 Help with telling
5 Help with parenting a DC child
6 A sibling registry

We cover the “what” and “how”. We’ll cover the “who” (suppliers and providers that can help) in future updates. We’ll also write a blog showing the support currently provided by the leading banks/clinics mapped to best practice. Several clinics/banks have made great headway incorporating many of the elements into their offering. We hope to see more stepping up – patients, clients and their donor conceived children expect and deserve nothing less.

We’d love to hear your views. Please get in touch!

01/12/2023

As part of our series on Anonymous Donors, Kenzi has done a fabulous guest blog for us.

Kenzi is a licensed clinical social worker and family building coach and is the creator of , an organization dedicated to supporting hopeful future parents on their journey through donor conception, fertility treatments, adoption, or surrogacy.

Her blog includes 7 Essential Questions to Ask Yourself Before Choosing to Use an Anonymous Donor. I was torn whether to summarise them here or leave you to head over to the full blog 😊. I’ve chosen the latter . . .

It’s a cracking read! Thank you Kenzi. Your thoughts are our thoughts.

***m

23/11/2023

For Black Friday Deal we’re offering 20% off our Magic of You printed books.

Customers enter code TellEarly20 on checkout.

Feel free to share this code with friends and clients 😊

The code is valid until 31 December 2023.

&Telling

14/11/2023

We’ve recently come across this wonderful book, The Secret Code Inside You, by (Author) and (Illustrator) 🥰

It explains the concept of DNA, cells, and chromosomes and manages to make a complex topic accessible to pre-schoolers. It has delightful illustrations and engaging copy.

It includes sentences like: “Each biological parent gave you half your chromosomes. And on those special forty-six, your genes all make their homes.” and “Your code came from those parents, and from their parents too. You might share genes with those you love or some you never knew.” We found it an extremely helpful tool for conversations with your donor conceived child.

We recommend including it as part of your collection of books for explaining to your child how they came to be and what being donor conceived means.

See our blog where we include all our favourite books for 😊

23/10/2023

Assisted reproduction kids grow up just fine - we take a look at the latest 20-year long Cambridge University research into donor conceived children (see bio for blog link).

This study examines:
a) The long-term effects of third-party assisted reproduction on parenting and child adjustment and
b) The effect of the age at which children were told that they were donor conceived.

The results suggest that the absence of a biological connection between children and parents in assisted reproduction families doesn't interfere with the development of positive relationships between them or psychological adjustment in adulthood.

Some thoughts on reading this study:

1. There’s most probably a natural positive bias as the families that have continued to participate across the 20 years are likely to be the most engaged and positive.

2. The survey concludes that the wellbeing and quality of parent relationships of DCP isn't significantly different to ‘non-assisted’ offspring. But in this round young people who hadn’t been told had to be excluded to keep the secret. 76% of the original families are no longer involved, most of whom haven’t told. This highlights for us the difficulties of finding out how DCP that don’t know actually feel.

3. In this age of genetic testing we were initially surprised by the high % of parents not telling. But on reflection this makes sense. This survey commenced in 2003 when there was little research available and no platform to hear DCP voices. Had these children been born in the last 5 years we expect these numbers would be different.

4. We feel it’s important to mention that many DCP do face emotional challenges related to their conception, as set out in our Voices of Donor Conceived People blog. Many made reference to feeling ‘alone’. But we're conscious our survey isn’t reflective of all DCP - many that are comfortable with their donor conception might not think about it often, not follow related hashtags and hence won’t be aware of surveys on the subject.

The Cambridge finding on telling before age 7 resonates with us. And of course we advocate using our Magic of You books to help with telling 😁

11/10/2023

Hi Sali here, founder and CEO of Sensitive Matters . This Saturday, I will join and in their race to end anonymous donation.

In a previous post, entitled 3 things I wish I’d known before using an anonymous donor egg, I said:
“10 years into an IVF journey, the thought of using a donor egg was daunting. At the time I was wrestling with my own grief and so the thought of using a known donor would have been very intimidating and threatening to my role as mother. But now my son is nearly 5, I feel differently. Back then, I wish I could have known how I would think now. I hope it helps inform your choices.

1. Now, I wish I knew the egg donor. I want to thank her and hug her and show-off my beautiful child to her. She is not a threat to me. I am his mother, but she gave him her genes. She is a part of our family and I feel only love for her.
2. Now I am sad that it is possible my son will never meet her. I hope she will choose to make herself known on the Donor Sibling Registry. If not, I will help him find her.
3. Had I known how I would feel as a parent of a donor conceived child, I would have asked the clinic if our donor was willing to be known, or asked about known donors. At the time, I was thinking about me and how threatened my role felt (understandable when you are living the stress and drama of infertility). But once the baby comes, you become a parent and your focus is all about what’s best for him. What would be best for him is that he could at least know the wonderful woman who helped us to have him.

I know I am not the only mother of a donor egg conceived child that feels this way.”

That is why Sensitive Matters is totally behind the move to end anonymous donation and I look forward to supporting DCP, and other parents in this cause.

10/10/2023

Our recent survey of recipient parents told us that 97% of them would like more support from the fertility industry. They told us they wanted:

⭐ More counselling
⭐ Support in talking to children about being DC
⭐ Support in raising a DC child
⭐ Access to counselling and community support networks
⭐ Signposting to resources
⭐ Support with connecting to donor siblings

We are going to ASRM to talk with stakeholders about the support they provide, and we want to let them know that providing support to Recipient Parents is good for business, good for parents and good for the children! (AND it’s not hard).

There is so much that is broken for recipient parents and their donor conceived offspring, but we are excited and ready to work with those industry professionals who are willing to listen and be leaders🤩. If you’re interested in learning about what recipient parents told us they need, let’s meet up – we can help!

04/09/2023

We’re turning the spotlight onto Anonymous Donations. 🔦

Having explored the support provided by the fertility industry to donor conceived people, recipient parents and donors, we now have a new theme 😊

We’ll be talking to people across the fertility industry, exploring their views on donor anonymity – how they feel about it, if and when it might be the right way to go, and what the industry could / should be doing.

We kick off with a summary of the current rules re donor anonymity in the following places. Information is gathered from the internet, so do let us know if you have more accurate information!!

Our conclusions:
• There’s a dramatic inconsistency of practices across the globe.
• No wonder when we talk to people from different countries about telling their children about their origins, we get such a range of responses.
• If the legislation isn’t putting donor conceived people at the forefront of their frameworks, regrettably there’s an excuse for industry players not to either.
• We think things need to change.

Australia: Anonymous donations are not allowed. Donor release age 18.

Canada: Anonymity is allowed. There is no registry.

Denmark: Danish regulations allow both anonymous and non-anonymous donations.

France: Anonymous donations are not allowed. Donor release age 18.

Germany: Egg donation is not legal in Germany. Anonymous s***m donation is not allowed. There is no minimum age for the donor conceived child to access the data.

Italy: Only anonymous donations are allowed.

Japan: Anonymous donations are allowed. There’s no law explicitly prohibiting it, but no framework to govern it either.

Netherlands: Anonymous donations are not allowed. Donor release age 16.

New Zealand: Anonymous donations are not allowed. Donor release age 18.

Spain: Only anonymous donations are allowed.

US: Anonymity is allowed. ASRM recommends the recording and preservation of donor contact information by banks/clinics, but the recommendations have no force of law.

UK: Anonymous donations are not allowed. Donor release age 18. When the child reaches the age of 16, they can ask the HFEA for non-identifying information.

What are your thoughts on this?

31/07/2023

Hayley, Katja and Emmi’s Magic of Emmi book is simply beautiful!! We love what have done to make it truly their own 🥰🥰

Hayley: “Emmi loves the book!! She always points to herself in it and says: “Look, There’s baby Emmi“. I really feel like it’s helping her to connect to the people in it, and as she grows I know it will help her to understand more and more her history and biological background the more she starts to understand. She especially loves the mouse! And counting the stars 🐭🐁⭐️⭐️ “

Hayley and Katja were gifted their book by ***mbank and had lots of fun adding their photos, moving around the clipart and changing all the words so it is their family story.

29/06/2023

We recently shared a survey aimed at Donors – asking whether they felt supported by the fertility industry.

Here’s a snapshot of the results (you can see the full results in this blog post https://www.sensitivematters.net/blog/137/results-of-2023-survey-of-donors):

Almost a third of our respondents that donated at a clinic or a bank said they were not informed how many families would benefit from their donations.

Most donors in our survey don’t want to be anonymous – results show a shift in mental attitude between the time of their donation. 52% were anonymous when they donated and 88% of these donors have since taken steps to become identifiable.

Donors have identified people conceived from their donations but, with a few exceptions, get no support for navigating contact.

Clinics / Banks are falling short at supporting donors after their donation. 70% of respondents that contacted their clinic / bank for support were not satisfied.
1) Many feel “brushed-off” or ignored.
2) Updated medical information is often not passed on and records not updated.
3) Donors are not given information on how many births have resulted from their donations.

Donors think the fertility industry should do more to support donors:
1) Before their donation - to help them fully process the implications of their donations, to know how to interact with offspring that may contact them and to understand the experiences of other donors.
2) to help them to feel respected by RPs and clinics / banks. They want honesty from the clinics and banks and RPs to do what they agreed to do.
3) they want clear, updated and accurate information about the number of children born as a result of their donations. They also want to be sure their medical records are being updated and the information passed on.
4) They want pathways to connect with recipients or donor conceived children.

Head over to the blog to find out more and please don’t hesitate to get in touch with ideas and suggestions as to how we can all address these issues in a globally harmonised way.

***mdonor

27/06/2023

Together with ***mbank, we are delighted to have won an award at the Fertility Care Awards in Copenhagen in the category of Best Fertility Book!
We will continue to work with ***mbank to deliver the kind of support we know recipient parents need and value.
It was fabulous to spend time with friends in the fertility space and to have a laugh with , (congrats on your win by the way!) and . And what a beautiful city Copenhagen is!

13/06/2023

We are super excited!! 🤩🥳🤞 Can you imagine our joy this morning when we opened our emails to read:

“It's my great pleasure to announce that book "Magic of You”, Joint application by Sensitive Matters with European S***m Bank, has been shortlisted for the , in the category of The Best Fertility Book, presented by The European Fertility Society.”

It means the world to us to have this positive endorsement for our children’s books – they are 100% editable and help parents talk to their children about their donor conception.

Last year, together with ***mbank, we developed their own version of the Magic of You – available in English, German, Dutch and Danish – they are gifting these to their recipient parents, who are delighted with them 😁

Hurrah ***mbank and fingers crossed for 26 June 2023!!!

27/04/2023

In our recent survey (See link in previous post), 98% of respondents thought the fertility industry should do more to support parents using donor eggs, s***m or embryos, with parents feeling ill-prepared for the unique challenges of raising a donor conceived child.

84% were offered no support at all for talking to their children about their genetic origins.

This International Donor Conception Awareness Day, we challenge the fertility to support parents using donor gametes so that they are prepared to parent these children in the best way possible.

Sensitive Matters calls on the industry to provide:

Several, high quality, sponsored and mandatory counselling sessions for parents contemplating use of donor egg, s***m or embryos. Sessions should include access to the voices of donor conceived people and guidance on how and when to talk to children about being donor conceived.

We call on the industry to work with counsellors, businesses offering community support and well established DCP networks to develop support that is fit for purpose and will help parents raise their donor conceived children without guilt, shame and secrets.

Help give us a stronger voice by completing our surveys for DCP and Donors

Thanks Jana Rupnow Counseling for starting

28/03/2023

We published some of the headline results a few weeks ago and here is a summary of the fuller survey, but please do read our full article on the results – https://www.sensitivematters.net/blog/133/results-of-2023-survey-of-recipient-parents
38% of respondents were offered no counselling at all before their baby was born.
51% were offered one session.
95% were offered no counselling or support of any kind after their baby was born.
84% were offered no support in talking to their children about their genetic origins.
97% think the industry should do more to support parents using donor gametes.

We have now analysed the free text answers and written an article about our findings. Our key take-away is this: There is a large disconnect between what RPs feel and know when they are trying to conceive and what they learn and feel once they become parents. 😕
We identified four key areas of unfulfilled need:

1. There is a lack of sponsored, mandatory, high-quality counselling to address the implications of having a child via donor egg, s***m or embryo.
2. There is a lack of knowledge around known versus unknown donors
3. There is a lack of exposure to DCP perspectives for parents trying to conceive with donor gametes.
4. Parents worry about the wellbeing of their donor conceived children and how to raise a DC child.

Parents specifically want:

1. Counselling for genetic grief and to understand the choices and implications of known versus unknown or ID release donors.
2. Help in talking to children about being donor conceived and guidance for raising a DC child
3. Signposting to or access to resources.
4. Access to community support networks of recipient parents.
5. Access to DCP perspectives.

Our article calls on the industry to do more and put the child’s wellbeing at the hear of all fertility planning.
Read the full article on our blog page – https://www.sensitivematters.net/blog/133/results-of-2023-survey-of-recipient-parents

28/03/2023

We published some of the headline results a few weeks ago and here is a summary of the fuller survey, but please do read our full article on the results – link in Bio.

38% of respondents were offered no counselling at all before their baby was born.
51% were offered one session.
95% were offered no counselling or support of any kind after their baby was born.
84% were offered no support in talking to their children about their genetic origins.
97% think the industry should do more to support parents using donor gametes.

We have now analysed the free text answers and written an article about our findings. Our key take-away is this: There is a large disconnect between what RPs feel and know when they are trying to conceive and what they learn and feel once they become parents. 😕
We identified four key areas of unfulfilled need:

1. There is a lack of sponsored, mandatory, high-quality counselling to address the implications of having a child via donor egg, s***m or embryo.
2. There is a lack of knowledge around known versus unknown donors
3. There is a lack of exposure to DCP perspectives for parents trying to conceive with donor gametes.
4. Parents worry about the wellbeing of their donor conceived children and how to raise a DC child.

Parents specifically want:

1. Counselling for genetic grief and to understand the choices and implications of known versus unknown or ID release donors.
2. Help in talking to children about being donor conceived and guidance for raising a DC child
3. Signposting to or access to resources.
4. Access to community support networks of recipient parents.
5. Access to DCP perspectives.

Our article calls on the industry to do more and put the child’s wellbeing at the hear of all fertility planning.
Read the full article on our blog page – link in bio.

15/03/2023

Soft serve, softball, soft shell 🤣 . . . what fabulous soft things come to your mind?

Well it’s our new softback books we are loving right now 😊

Our 100% customizable children’s books are now available in both hardback and softback.

We have versions to help explain:
• donor conception
• adoption
• my mum is / was a surrogate for another family.

Our plans include books for the children of donors too – now that there’s a move to openness, children’s books are a great way to explain early about genetic siblings.

If you’re working in the fertility space, consider gifting a branded version of our books (hardback or softback) to your patients or clients 🎁😍

10/03/2023

Does the ART industry support Donor Conceived People enough?

This survey is part of a series looking into the levels of support offered by the fertility industry to donor conceived people, recipient parents and donors. See the links in our bio for both the DCP survey and our Recipient Parents survey . . . the Donors’ survey will go live soon.

Huge thanks to Melissa and Aimee for helping us pull the questions together 😊

To all our DCP friends around the world - please encourage all your followers and groups to complete the survey. The more responses we get, the more sway we’ll have and the greater likelihood the ART industry will be interested in what’s said.

So, all Donor Conceived People, were you adequately supported? And were your parents adequately supported? Please complete our 5-minute survey https://www.sensitivematters.net/blog/128/survey-what-support-do-donor-conceived-people-get-could-the-fertility-industry-do-more

We'll collate responses and seek commentary from Counsellors and Fertility Industry insiders, then summarise our findings in a blog.

Please help us get this conversation started! 😉

28/12/2022

There are so many thoughts and emotions, hopes and worries when embarking on a donor conception journey.

People wonder about things like: Will a donor conceived baby feel like mine?

In fact, this is a common concern for parents starting out on a journey that includes donor gametes.

We love this quote from Marna Gatlin and Carole LieberWilkins, MFT in their book Let’s Talk About Egg Donation: “So, here’s the thing: we love our kids. That’s the bottom line. It doesn’t matter whether or not we share DNA – they are our children. They may make us crazy and give us gray hair, but we love them so much that sometimes we forget to breathe.”

We have collated comments and experience from parents and professionals and put them together in a booklet. If you find yourself contemplating adoption or the use of a donor and / or surrogate, this booklet might help 🥰

The full booklet can be found from a link in our blog: https://www.sensitivematters.net/blog/123/different-paths-to-parenthood

20/12/2022

We love this blog by and we’re sharing it with their permission 🥰 https://donorconceivedaotearoa.co.nz/basic-principles

They’ve consulted their network, referred to experts and used their own lived experience to compile these Basic Principles for Understanding the Needs and Perspectives of Donor Conceived People.

So much wisdom! And so important for intended parents to read.
Thank you ###

01/12/2022

There are so many ways we can build our beautiful families 🥰

We’ve put together a booklet full of hints and tips for people embarking on a donor or adoption journey.

We have collated comments and experience from parents and professionals and put them together in one place.

If you find yourself contemplating adoption or the use of a donor and / or surrogate, this booklet might help.

We include advice like:

If you are thinking of adopting or using a donor, listen to the voices of adopted or donor conceived people – they are who our children will be in the future. Their experience matters.

Understand what parents who have already gone down your route to build a family are concerned about – their concerns may be different from your current concerns.

At Sensitive Matters we believe children have a right to know their story. We encourage parents to tell their children as much as possible about their donor, surrogate or birth family. Tell them as early as you can . . . and keep telling them, sharing more as they develop.

The full booklet can be found from a link in our latest blog https://www.sensitivematters.net/blog/123/different-paths-to-parenthood

We have put together a booklet full of hints and tips for people embarking on a donor or adoption journey.