Daley Road Daily (2024)

12/11/2022

UNBELIEVABLE: A bloke whose jaw was swinging more than Dave Warner in a T20 has reportedly been refused entry from Downstairs Moose on Friday night.

This comes as a shock to the community as Moosehead’s notoriously packs as many people in their venue as physically possible, no matter the state of the patrons.

Management has since come out stating that the bouncer in question has been ‘let go’ for going against their code of practice.

“We don’t discriminate here at Mooseheads, as long as you can pay entry, you can get loose at the moose” the 2IC announced.

More to come…

01/11/2022

“He’ll end up with his car keyed or something”, a concerned friend said of Blaine Boekhurst (19).

This worry comes after the naive bogan from Myrtleford, and resident from B&G, committed the ultimate social faux pas by running a publicly accessible Melbourne Cup sweep in the hall’s Facebook group, leading cowardly hallmates to call him a monster behind his back.

18/10/2022

NO HIDING: Originally based in Sydneys North Shore, Benjamin Roberts has tried to hide his previous private school roots with an array of items from St Vincents and Greenshed.

Despite this attempt to camouflage himself and blend into normal society, it’s still blatantly obviously that he is indeed, a private school boy. This made evident when seen regularly yarning about his multiple family trips to Europe, lodge at Thredbo his Dad owns for ‘weekends away’ and his Mum’s new Range Rover Vogue.

15/10/2022

FEELING OPTIMISTIC: Share-houses from Ursula Hall are allegedly "not bothered" by the current state of the housing market as they've experienced similar forms of rejection before.

The Daily spoke to a five-share currently in their search for a house, all of which were "totally chill" and "didn't care" about getting rejected from the college next door.

"Yeah, my older brother who was president didn't look at me for a week after I got the notice... Ursies was just as good though!!!!!!"

"But for next year, I'm confident we'll pick up a 5-bedroom refurbished house with a garden in O'Connor...I've got a really good feeling about this actually."

But if all else fails, they've got mum’s investment property in Redhill to pick up...

More to come

14/10/2022

CHECKS OUT: Researchers at the ANU School of Social "Sciences" have delivered a comprehensive new study that just confirms what we all knew anyway.

It turns out that if you frothed "The Saddle Club" in the mid-2000s, there's are 60-80% chance you're now studying an Enviro degree.

"It makes sense, because typically people want what they can't have" theorised project lead Jared Patrenko (45).

"Back then, if you lived in a city, you idealised a wholesome afternoon clip-clopping about on 'Patches' or whatever its fu***ng name was. And now, you want a solution to the climate crisis. It's all about fantasies that can never be fulfilled."

Patrenko added, "Plus, both demographics are just rare units who constantly want to just f**k off into the forest. So that helped narrow down the causative element."

More to come.

14/10/2022

JUST F**K OFF: A member of an engineering tute has comprehensively shredded any sceric of social clout he may have had left before this morning.

Patrick Veszpremi (22) performed the unforgiveable by enquiring what a classmate's ATAR was, especially disgusting given he's a fourth year.

Sources inform The Daley that the enormous faux pas was probably motivated by Veszpremi peaking in Year 12 and slowly descending by getting alpha'd by every project partner he's worked with since then.

Sally Robbins (21), the unfortunate recipient of the uncalled for enquiry, was contacted for comment (and also to ask what her ATAR actually was) but declined.

More to come.

13/10/2022

A local ANU woman reveals that she insists on wearing thongs in the shower but is more than happy to have a whiff of some random jar being passed around the One22 dancefloor.

13/10/2022

ON BRAND: A Burg economics student has absolutely shocked witnesses today as he revealed he was a Liberal Party voter.

Cale Morton (21) made the declaration to a group of friends who never would have guessed it based on his pristine RMs, constant references to the sharemarket and his general aura of superiority.

“Dad has a great perspective,” opined Cale. “You can’t be a director of four major banks without having a really balanced world view.”

“He’s met all sorts. Some aren’t even from the Eastern Suburbs. It’s a jungle out there and it helps him see the full picture.”

“And I can’t argue with that.”

11/10/2022

UNBELIEVABLE: One would think that by now, somebody would’ve sorted out the clear issue with all the desktops around campus.
“How are 70% of them on power saver mode all the fu***ng time?!… Or not have a mouse or keyboard attached to them?!” Asked one student in an interview earlier this afternoon.
The Daley Road Daily have reached out to the staff at Chifley and Hancock but are yet to hear anything.
It’s theorised that the library staff are slowly disconnecting desktops just to ‘f**k with students’, however there is no hard evidence.
More to come…

10/10/2022

WAIT, ARE YOU GOING THIS WAY AS WELL: Participants in a Thursday night hookup have generated more Friday morning head noise than they bargained for, sources inform The Daley.

Following a particularly questionable Thursday night from both of them, BIOL1004 students and eager Moose attendees Karen Rolton (19) and Tim Ludemann (19) have learned the hard way that you should pay attention to your classmates, as they scurried in tandem from a broadly disappointing tryst.

Only as they both headed for the Science Teaching Building did both of them piece together why the other seemed so familiar. And neither of them are chuffed.

“The lab is like 80 people,” vented Karen, “yet I end up with him on the bench next to me. Unbelievable.”

More to come.

10/10/2022

THE SUIT STAYS ON DURING HECS: Reports have come to light that the Griffin mascot is indeed a furry and not just wearing the suit for college spirit.
The Daily discussed with an on-campus (real college) resident "yeah not too sure what's happening over there at Griffin...glad my college is on the other side of campus. Gotta stay safe these days."
The infamous Griffin suit is a well-known aspect of the culture of the college for Canberra residents who have joined the community.
Students at ANU (and their parents) are hoping that this is "just a phase".
Editors at the Daily hope that there will not be "more to come."

09/10/2022

TOO HARD: Microeconomics 2 has the reputation of being one of the least liked courses at the ANU, and unfortunately, one which is mandatory for all PPE students.
Rachael Rickson was today able to work up the courage to share her experience with the course with the team at DRD.
“It comes back to me sometimes” Ms Rickosn stated. “Night terrors, where I’m falling down a demand curve in a set of Axis, but never reaching equilibrium. I hear a voice whispering, ‘don’t forget about a shift in interest rates hehehe’, it’s terrifying”.
Rachael completed the course with the help of Chegg and a friend who was ‘good with maths’, however is still seeing a therapist in regard to the trauma.

08/10/2022

THATS RED HOT: Renowned college pest, Jim Johnston, has made his presence known at the Johns Parent's Weekend.

This comes after witnesses claim they saw him necking a few (too many) champers early on in the proceedings. Jim rates himself as a bit of a lady's man and has taken any opportunity to hit on the mums in attendance.

Not only has this made many uncomfortable, but it has also put a few noses out of place. "Yeah nah I thought it was pretty funny when he was hitting on Oscar's mum but then he started talking to mine and now I'm actually off the c*nt" said a friend of Jim. "If I hear him say 'Yummy Mummy' one more time I'm actually going to kill him," said Olivia (the love interest of Jim)

Jim has been described by many of the parents as "interesting to say the least". It is unsure if Jim will ever be successful, in his as-of-yet fruitless search for a "Yummy Mummy", but what is certain is that he will have a few questions to answer come Monday.

More to come...

07/10/2022

A first-year student's experience with a denied extension application has just rocked the ANU community.

The Daily spoke to Laura Burke in exchange for some much-needed Panadol and a pack of hydrolyte.

The email for the request was sent to the lecturer around 4:17am this morning and began with “heyyyy [redacted lecturers name].”

“How am I supposed to study when I literally keep getting flashbacks from last night? I literally hooked up with a boy from ADFA … surely just give me the extension I’m struggling as it is."

"Also, who the f**k let me eat Maccas nuggets I’m literally vegan.”

Burke allegedly took head noise to a literal sense when she hit a lamp post on Uni Avenue on a Neuron.

“Surely it wasn't the hot SR who put me to bed haha… right guys?.”
—--------------------------------------------------------
Update: The Daily confirmed it was

07/10/2022

SO SWAMPED: The amphitheatre commented “I'm so sorry I haven't gotten back to you I'm just so stressed and overwhelmed at the moment...things are just moving so fast. I feel like I'm submerged at the moment."

06/10/2022

ALRIGHT WE TAKE IT BACK: Head offices at the Daley Road Daily are a little sheepish this evening following some genuinely terrible news.

Just when COVID was over and we thought the only way to get cancelled was the resurfacing of a dodgy tweet from 2011, La Nina had to make its presence known by axing Inward Bound for a third consecutive year.

And it’s got Daley HQ feeling a little awkies about it, given how keen we were to talk s**t about them earlier in the week and with about 5 more posts lined up for the weekend.

“It was more insecurity than anything”, said reporter Earl Squirrelson. “I hid behind my computer while those people trained for months. Now I feel like a silly goose.”

“Not really fair IB’s been cancelled more times in the last three years than Peter Dutton has.”

More to come.

06/10/2022

COST OF LIVING CRISIS: A recent report has found the cheapest meal on campus is in fact being close enough friends with a Johns resident that they take you along for a free feed in their dining hall.

This so-called "free feed" does come at a cost however as The Daily soon found out after interviewing a BnG resident who has asked to remain anonymous. "Yeah nah look mate, as much as I love the free food I could defiantly take or leave hearing about the bloody share house drama... The best way to describe it would be if 'Game of Thrones' had a love child with 'Keeping Up With the Kardashians', it's honestly a nightmare to try and follow along with. But on the brighter side, at least they've gotten over talking about what a great time they had in Europe, that was a pretty long 8 weeks in all honesty".

06/10/2022

GOOD ON YOU, ARISTOTLE: Attendees at an ANU ethics tute were this week stunned by some of the most morally corrupt and insensitive ethical ‘theories’ ever spouted in the nation’s capital.

However, Lewis Roberts-Thompson (19) has miraculously escaped all liability for his hate speech as he was ‘just playing devil’s advocate’ when he said it.

“I thought he was about to get charged under at least five different discrimination statutes,” said a class member. “But boy was I relieved when he so skilfully made clear it wasn’t really what he thought.”

Roberts-Thompson told The Daley he looks forward to continued use of the clever tactic, as he enjoys making extremely complex and emotion-provoking topics into mere thought experiments that he can ‘debate’.

“It’s not my fault – it’s the devil.”

“Don’t want it to look like my own horrific opinion!”

More to come.

05/10/2022

GOTTA FEEL FOR EM: It has become apparent that students who have relocated halfway across the world, to embark on the experience of their lifetime, aren't all too happy to have found themselves in a UniLodge.

This comes as a surprise to no one as my grandfather has more of a college experience in his nursing home than members of the UnILodge community. I'm sure there are some aspects of the culture that are just fine, but unfortunately, no one at The Daily actually knows anyone from UniLodge so we can't get any inside scoops, nor do we really want to.

The Daily have contacted the Foreign Affairs Minister, however, they refused to comment on the matter saying "Who the f*ck are you? How did you get my home address?".

More to come.

Update:

Amelie (German exchange student) has reached out to The Daily to give her two cents. Amelie stated "Yeah no it isn't necessarily what I was expecting. I thought it was bad enough to have to come to Canberra but UniLodge is a different beast. I was explaining what it's like to my Grandmother over the phone just yesterday and she told me that the Eastern Bloc in the 70s wasn't as depressing as this". No wonder they want out.

05/10/2022

SOLVED: During a heated political debate in a Copland tutorial room earlier today, it appears that Frank McDougolson has solved the current war between Ukraine and Russia.

McDougolson, first-year security student, has stated that (with w***y accent) “by looking at the crisis through a neoliberal lens, we can see how capitalism and communism are the two main sources of tension between the sovereign actors….”.

It is evident however, based on the fact that no classmates listened to him, let alone Putin, that McDougolson actually has no idea what the f’ck he’s talking about.

More to come…

05/10/2022

STILL NOT COOL!: Reports find shockingly that calling frisbee "disk" does not make it cooler and has similar social standings to playing Quidditch.
The Daily interviewed fourth-year resident Tabitha Larson "yeah nah the community is just really great...it actually has really complex rules and regulations". This statement allegedly did very little to change the general consensus's opinion, and in fact, gave "similar vibes" to saying that competitive chess is a sport too according to 99.9% of the ANU population.
More to come...

04/10/2022

A BIT HOWS YOUR FATHER: at Burton and Garran Hall this week, a uniform has been introduced for residents, however this formal change has gone quite unnoticed by most.
The Daily spoke to Amelia Morris who described the forced expulsion of a student who wore Converses in central.
"yeah nah she had to go. She didnt even know that Tame Impala was just one guy and not a band...!"
More to come.

04/10/2022

An analysis conducted by the CSIRO has identified some seriously hazardous radioactive waste in pork buns sold at the on-campus Daily Market.

However, this comes as no surprise to students, who already knew that those buns must contain some rogue s**t in order to taste so good.

"To be honest, this won't stop me buying them" said third-year Adam Ramanauskas (22) when asked for his response to the findings. "It's a bit like Maccas or a nightclub hookup - you know it can't be good for you but you'll have a crack anyway."

"Actually, the buns are so dense that they probably could have avoided Chernobyl in the first place if they'd just jammed a few of them in the reactor core."

04/10/2022

UNBELIEVABLE: Ursies first-year and self-proclaimed "p**s cutting legend" Sam Davidson has today been spotted walking into Kambri rocking a new trim.

"I just wanted to get something the boys would really get around you know," said a confident Samual when questioned on why he had gotten said mullet.

It is unsure how the "boys" have responded to this change, however, the Daley Road Daily have gotten in contact with Mrs Davidson, mother of Sam, to gauge her thoughts.

"Yeah I'm really just hoping it's a phase, Sam is usually a lovely well put together young man, but I think the Johns application rejection really got to him at the start of the year. He's been going through an identity crisis ever since," said a concerned Mrs Davison.

More to come.

03/10/2022

IB is child’s play compared to running from Perth to Bondi in 45 days, a new report has found.

Sydney-based tradie Nedd Brockman is currently traversing the Australian continent in a fundraising effort for homelessness, and is doing a very impressive job.

This comes at the expense of social clout IB runners can usually extract in the leadup to their own race.

“Like, I get they run a bit”, said a disinterested Ursies second year, “but having one crack at 60 ks seems a piece of p**s compared to 100 a day for a month and a half”.

“If Nedd can cover the Nullabor in a week you can find your way through the Brindabellas champion.”

Daley Road Daily

12/11/2022

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