01/01/2024
I can assure you that 2023 wasn't one for the books. But, I lived. I got up. Maybe I didn't thrive - but, I kept going through pain that I didn't think I'd survive (and, that really was just a non-stop ride from 2020 to current times.) Damn it, I was brave. I was strong. The kind of strong that one gets tired of being. I was broken, battered, bruised, and somehow grateful knowing I still have much. I haven't felt like me. I haven't recognized myself in a long time. But, maybe I was outgrowing her. Healing trauma. Tending to deep wounds. Coming out from under the current of raging waters. Trying to no longer be in a battle between drowning or treading. Finding the way to be floating. Perhaps I lost more than just pounds and many clothing sizes. Maybe I lost the weight of too many things that shouldn't have been my problem. Shed many boulders that weren't mine to carry - at least not alone. I'm not meant to be in the perpetual tale of Sisyphus. More than anything I failed. I broke. Oh, but boy did I ever learn. Learn about what its like to be akin to Icarus flying too close to the sun. I'm burned. I scarred. But, you'd see those were battle scars if you looked closely enough. I did the hard things. Said the things I never thought I could. Left people who were bad for my health in the past. Daily I face fears and anxieties that I never thought I'd have. My body and brain are exhausted from years of fight-or-flight. I feel like that might be a sum of my entire life. Even just being born so very prematurely, and being a fighter to survive then.... It.feels.the.same.now- A.Constant.fight.for.survival. Therefore, I feel my word for 2024 and the summarization of my vision board for this next stage is called: Phoenix. From these ashes I too shall rise. I can assure you there were also smiles and laughs that were also companions to the many tears and worries. Maybe my 2023 was about the Yin and Yang. Perhaps life was showing me about how one needs to balance both the light and the dark. I'm certain that kind of skill will be a lifelong struggle to attain. I watched my daughter grow. I watched a house become a home. I watched lines and gray hair show up on myself and the ones I love. I watched the sun rise full of hope, after nights full of neverending despair, and the sun set on things I never wanted to see end. I snuggled fur babies. I listened to music, which I know heals. I ate good meals. I also lived days full of boring routine. However, I also created special memories. I got to experience "bucket list" items and live out unfulfilled wishes and plans of loved ones whom tragically never got to do those things. I carried them in my heart and walked with their foot steps in mine. But, maybe that's the point, taking the path were my Ancestors lead, even if the path waivers. May they forever be my protectors. I hope 2024 is kind. I hope it is the breaking of a 5 year cycle. If not, this Phoenix is rising. I am ready for this ultimate reset: a new week, month, and year. Even if it isn't the ultimate fresh start - I know there are 365 new chapters to write. From surviving to rising. Icarus to Phoenix. Goodbye, 2023. Hello, 2024. May this 123123 day bless you all and I hope peace, joy, fulfillment, and love find you all in this new season.
