09/11/2022
One foot in front of the other….
It’s the spring of 2018, and As a 30-something year old…pregnant, I can Now finally pick up that parenting book I had bookmarked years ago. Of course years ago, I thought I was not worthy of reading something that pertained to parenting.. I thought I was not in process of…I was not “there” yet…Oh now, this sweet Motherhood journey now somehow makes me feel worthy and I now allow myself to indulge myself in this book that was calling my name since Oprah mentioned it..lol. As I read through The Conscious Parent, I quickly find myself wondering, “where have I been…this book has nothing to do with me being a parent or non-parent, how foolish I’ve been to not pick this up sooner…this book is for everyone and anyone that has once been a child”…Little did I know at the time, but this book was not limited to a “parent” but expansive for anyone and everyone that has once experienced being a child.’ The moment was know, my son in my belly, bringing this information to his momma- my heartbeat merged with his…what a wise soul he is already…As I read, I feel a deep connection with this message… This is moving me…shifting me..challenging me…
One foot in front of the other.
Late fall of 2018His first cry, my first set of tears as his mother..I look up at his father, whose face has molded from the stoic soon to be daddy, supporting his wife through giving birth..to know being covered in tears and emotion and this, but now has softened into this moment. We are now parents…what does that mean for us? What does that mean for our marriage?..My son is quickly placed on me, skin to skin…soul to soul…a deep resonance..feeling so much joy..so much exhaustion. The intensity so great, my nervous system needs a moment to integrate..to calibrate… make sense of this joy…this shift..this rise in frequency..this high…
One foot in front of the other.
Armaan and I have this mid-afternoon ritual… he’s now 3 months..its the Spring of 2019….we sit in the California room, greeting the birds..the trees..taking in the breeze..the sky…and we connect. I tell my son all the things…for him to always remember his power. how incredible his presence is…how he is my greatest teacher, how he constantly brings his mommy to the present moment…how his love is like no other that I’ve experienced. These moments of praying for him that he always follows his heart..marches to the beat of his own drum…as softly as the breeze came in, questions for me to started to flow…Armaan, via nature..via my heart…started to ask, “Mommy, are you doing the same in your life? Are you listening to your heart.? The discomfort of the moment, quickly has me “shhussshhhh”-ing the questions.” This dance in our backyard.. was now a ritual…carrying over to the for the next few months, before summer hit..the weather got warmer, the questions became louder and clearer and more frequent. Mommy’s brilliant :”Shhusssh” method no longer held any power to deflect. Hypocrisy kicking in… Happiness and joy are important..I wish them for you my son…Mommy doesn’t need to answer this now for herself…
One foot in front of the other.
Fall of 2018…My son’s turning 1 in a couple of months…it will be year soon since this being stepped into my life ..it literally feels like the Earth is spinning faster…where is the time going?.. He’s standing now…walking alongside his mommy. We still spend hours in the backyard…the activities now changing..we have this water table..that soon needs to be replaced with sand for the colder months..as the water sits in the table…I’m reminded how drawn to water both Armaan & I are …tI’m a water sign..he’s fire…we are composed of mostly water…the flow of it..as his toys float on it, his truck sits in it… I think about how powerful yet soft water is…it can push through the rocks and yet be so soft and nourishing… but I have to be sure to clear out the water daily out of this water table. As sitting water can breed bacteria…wait, am I this water?.. Armaan, is Mommy this stagnant water?… paralyzed in my thoughts..not able to move…flow…shift…
One foot in front of the other.
My son is sleeping.. I can login now. It’s 2020…This course that I’ve registered for..it says I’m in cohort 4…I followed the urge..the calling…perhaps this will let me answer those questions with ease. Perhaps, I can find my voice and answer my son authentically..As each week passes…I listen..I journal..I cry.. I see Tina..I see Jag..I see Natasha..I see these incredible souls speak their truth, why am I crying. Why do I see myself in them? In every story…my son wakes up, I pause…I regroup..I play…and I come back, to this course, over and over again. I deconstruct, I un-peel, layer after layer…anger, sadness, confusion kick in…where have I been my whole life? Through the pain, I start feeling these moments of liberation…. My son will be 2 this year, how powerful he is. he stands In his truth, awakening that force in his mommy.
One foot in front of the other.
Marriage therapy. Its not working but I’m too scared to tell my partner. I’m too scared to tell myself. Most of all, I’m scared to tell my son..oh how his mommy has failed… I am drowning, I feel like I’m in shackles, pulled down in the ocean..rising up for air..yet, this is familiar, this is known..painful but comfortable..wait, no longer comfortable..wait, whats happening? The wave of length has shifted, my son Brought in so much so joy, so much light that the parts of me that I had numbed out before his arrival, are now visible…palpable..I feel so much joy, so I now must walk through the pain..the unknown…the only constant is change..and I can’t stay stagnant… paralyzed in this anymore…
One foot in front of another.
My son, Armaan is now 3…spring of 2022. Downsized our space, upsized our life. Downsized the worry and fear..upsized our joy. More freedom. Thank you Danville for embracing me and my son..we feel happy, joyful..blissful…A second chance at life..My own re-birth as my son, Armaan, came through me..to me, my teacher. My Awakener.
One foot In front of another.
My son will be 4 soon…We are in Atlanta now. My spirit is in this beautiful space, surrounded by angels on Earth.. so grateful for Armaan, my family to be here..for Dr. Shefali’s work…these beautiful souls that have come together from all over the world. We have co-created this moment. The energy is surreal..allowing me to take off yet another mask..letting go of more fears…the fear of being seen. The fear of being heard, the fear of speaking my truth…it’s dissipating…starting to step into my power. Fully, authentically. In my essence. Lights, camera, action. Here we go.
One foot in front of the other.
![[Insert sigh here]](https://img4.medioq.com/605/885/134638016058851.jpg)
