The Goldfields Bugle

07/01/2022

Feels like Milk Sandwich weather today, better stock up this morning

28/10/2021

24/10/2021

Luckily we only get the smaller variety on the Goldfields, but they still take a chunk out of you

31/08/2021

Exciting new poll.
Where is the goldfields best toilet

06/08/2021

For sale

01/08/2021

Don't be like Mick lads

01/08/2021

Local hospital budget cuts, cause unfortunate accident.
Accountant Shaun B. was waiting at the local hospital last week for a pre-operation check up before his next weeks pe**le surgery when the incident occurred.
I was sitting in the waiting room and I could just feel my back teeth starting to float, I don't think the 4 cups of coffee between 6am and 10am helped, but I had this urgent need to p*e.
The men's had an out of order sign on it, so I went to go into the ladies. The cute little blonde receptionist intercepted me before I went in and told me that the toilet was only for ladies.
After a little bit of tooing and froing, blondie relented and gave me instructions that I could use the ladies, only for number 1's and I was definitely not to touch any of the buttons.
Thinking that was a little bit pedantic, I consented to her instructions, noting the words of the great Sheldon B Cooper that "bi***es be crazy" generally holds true and went into the ladies to relieve myself.
Inside I found one of the nicest loos I have ever seen and they had one of those fancy Japanese toilets in there that I have seen on tik tok before.
Sitting down, as this was one of the main instructions, I found the seat was heated, which was quite nice.
Finished, I looked around for the flush and then I saw the bank of 4 buttons W, P, R, F.
Thinking to myself, what could go wrong if I pressed a couple of buttons, I pressed the W.
A soothing Jet of water lept from the bowl, followed by a drying blast of fresh air, which refreshed my old fellow.
Thinking this is all very good, I pressed the P button and a fragrant puff of perfume scented my nether regions.
By now I was on top of the world relived, washed and perfumed, and the doc should be ready to extend the old fellow a couple of inches.
So I pressed the R. A blinding flash of pain shot through my body and then I woke up on the ward.
Anabelle French, a part time instagram fitness model and full time hospital receptionist explains the rest.
I told him not to touch any of the buttons, but he didnt listen and touched them didn't he.
W washes and dries
P perfumes
F flushes
R removes female sanitary products
The loo ripped his little fella right off and there is nothing that can be done once its ripped off.
Goldfelds Hospital weren't available for comment.

31/07/2021

Scandal and embarrassment at the Goldfields Saving & Loan yesterday.
Credit controller Selwn G. a 53 year old divorcee who had been working remotely for the past 12 months returned to working in the local branch office again this week.
All was going well for the Selwyn transition back to working in the office full time, until Friday afternoon.
"Everything had been going well for most of the week, I had caught up with all of the branch staff, chatted up some of the new customer service girls and written some credit. Then Frank the branch manager said lets go out for a long lunch on Friday".
It was after Selwyn returned to work after lunch that things began to take a turn for the worse.
Local constable Brett Smith describes the scene, I was walking along Main St, window shopping for the misses birthday when Doris the dispatcher gave me a call on the radio to respond to an incident at the Saving & Loan.
When I arrived, the teller staff all looked a little sick and they quickly pointed me to the back offices, where I found Mr G at his desk, head phones on, pants around his ankles, furiously w**king.
Never have I seen such intensity in a man, so intent to make the bald man cry, I was concerned that he would throw a shoulder out.
When asked about his indiscretion, Mr G. replied that I was in a good mood after lunch, and forgot where I was. For the past 12 months I had been having a cheeky w**k in the afternoon,and I just popped on my noise cancelling head phones, p**n hub on the PC and pants down.
It wasn't until the constable tapped me on the shoulder that I realized I was back in the office and not at home.
Mr G. has made a formal complaint to HR about a lack of training and support for staff returning to work after such a long time working from home to assimilate back into the workforce.
Goldfields Saving & Loan declined to comment on continuing legal matters.

15/07/2021

$3 each or 3 for $10.
Quality face masks hand made by the monks of Monkland

30/03/2021

I think it's time for a nice milk sandwich. Does anyone know the best place to buy 20 loaves of bread and 40 litres of milk?

23/02/2020

In the run up to the local council elections, the Bugle will be profiling their proffered candidates, to ensure they are elected democratically by you the voting public.
Today we feature Karen Smythe, who is a life long local and is campaigned on a platform of Drop Bear protectionism.
There has never been a drop bear attack on the Goldfields, like in many other areas, which means we are another day closer to an attack. My proposal is round the clock drop bear patrols in heavily wooded areas, sniffer dogs, inner city surveillance and aerial patrols utilising the latest technology to identify and neutralise the Drop Bears.
This is an investment in our safety and our children's safety, the initiative will be funded from the new Making Communities Safer Fund, which will administer the new Community Safety levy on the Goldfields Rate notices.
When questioned on the need for a community safety program when no one has ever seen, let alone been attacked by a Drop Bear on the Goldfields, Ms Smythe replied that those who opposed the program were not interested in protecting the community and would happily watch the young and infirm be torn to pieces by these ferocious animals, those sort of people have no place in local council and should hang their heads in shame.
Voting is on the 28 March and the Goldfields Bugle wholeheartedly endorses Karen Smythe

05/02/2020

*******Public Safety Announcement******
With sustained rain (1 continuous shower of rain) over night, there is the chance that river rises may possibly occur in the coming hours.
Please be prepared with your continuous rainfall action plan ready to be implemented.
Your CRAP should include
•Panic buying of 8 loaves of bread, 12 litres of milk (just in case I can’t get to the shops for a day or two)
•Loudly proclaiming to all that “It’s going to flood” and relaying anectdotal evidence of why this will be the largest flood ever seen on the goldfields. Approved story providers are grandpas,friends uncles friends, local hairdressers, and semi-local farmers who live nowhere near a river.
•Please share and follow the local storm chaser guy as well because his $1,000 computer modeling software is 1,000% more accurate at predicting rainfall than the BOM who only have a part time passing interest in the weather

Last but not least please ensure you discuss at length why the local shop owners need to begin packing and moving their stores to higher ground in preparation for the largest flood ever seen (they really love this topic of conversation and will converse with you for hours.

Time to initiate CRAP

04/02/2020

Newsflash: Local retiree amazed that local council not cutting grass daily.

Local retiree Thomas Pinkler has been amazed that the local council haven’t been mowing the grass in the centre of town daily.

“With this rain they could nearly mow hourly, back in my day the local council knew when to mow and why. These clowns would even know what end of a whopper snipper to hold”.

Putting his rose coloured glasses on, Mr Pinkler went back to reading his favourite book about a simpler time when the Parramatta Eels were premiers.

06/07/2018

29/06/2018

Be careful out there

23/06/2018

This saves me hours every week

21/06/2018

Seen on the Mary river this morning, near Kidd bridge

13/02/2018

Get sharing people. It is going to be huge