When the pen bleeds (2025)

24/12/2024

I must rest, I deserve to rest from the thought that everything I deserve won't find me.
I deserve to stop having the thought that I'll never live the life I wanted because of the sh*tty things that were happening to me.
I should stop blaming everything on myself when anything goes wrong around me.

I should stop pretending that everything everything is alright when it's not.
I should let myself feel everything that I need to feel, suppressing everything just making it worse.
I wish I had someone to tell this honest feeling without getting judged,
telling this that I hate to think like this to someone wholeheartedly, without fear, without being afraid.

Will good days try to find me? Or I should find it till my feet sore from walking barefoot to the road of my despair.
I am desperate to cling to those days where I see myself genuinely happy without the fear that it will expire and for a short time only.
I needed something to put my faith in so that I had something to hold onto.

I want to wake up every day where the sun feels like comforting me to go on for another day without me having second thoughts if I will continue to rise every time it shines.
What is the real meaning of happiness, why I couldn't find it?

💚💚💚

06/10/2024

To those eyes I try to hide, seeking your presence
is a mistake of mine.
Denying what I exactly feel to those who know that just
a single drop of your name is enough to poison my mind.
Your sudden existence in my field of vision
makes my favorite albums that talk about love become you.

You become the lyrics to that song I scream on the top
of my lungs in the middle of the night.
Look how you make my bluest sky turn into something
devoted, committed, and bonded to your soul,
like how the others say it's purple.

Would you try not to look me in the eye whenever we cross
the boundaries that separate the space between us?
Because I think I don't have the courage of a brave soldier
to step my feet to your borderlands.
But sometimes I stare into the depths of the ocean
that detached me from you if I can survive how deep it was
if I fell on it accidentally.

Will you save me from the waves of it? or you'll let me get
washed away from your shore and left me there breathless,
cold, and dying?
I really want to know, but I know I'll pay the exact heavy toll of it,
If that's all I want to know.

💚💚💚

06/10/2024

As much as I wanted you to be mine,
the sky already place our hearts
into two different realms.
Where a thousand walls stand in between us.
Forcing us never to cross paths again.

But never did the world know,
that meeting you once ignited the light
that fades in me.
Even just a second I've got to feel the warmth
of an undying love like for the first time.
I didn't know I still had those in me.

To the boy, I will never reach.
You're my autumn that keeps my feet
in the pile of leaves reminding me of the sense of warmth I need to survive the cold
that the coming winter brings.

I'm the tree that slowly loses its beauty when your season lingers around,
exposing my branches to you once in a while
to prove how much I want to be a part of your centerfold.
I would pour my heart and soul in behalf of my gratitude that you're one of the
best seasons that ever happened to me.

29/09/2024

My coffee won't wait for its warmth for you to look back on me.
Just like the seasons, you'll change from warm to barren cold,
you'll pass me by, and you're not timeless.

I'll be the scarf wrapped around your neck,
then leaving me somewhere around hanging
when the sun gives you the warmth I can't provide.
Hoping you'll be needing me,
begging the snow to last longer than it's supposed to be
so that I can cling to you more.

I wouldn't dare to cross the bridge in front of me
knowing that you're not there on the other end.
I guess you start your journey leaving behind
all of your excess baggage includes me.

I knew you'd be stepping on the pavement
without looking back and without regret abandoning me.
Wherein the only thing that's left with me
was the courage to accept that we were parting ways,
and I don't have the permission to walk the road you chose.

I've never had the chance to read your mind.
So here I am burning bridges,
sipping my coffee before it gets cold

💚💚💚

13/09/2024

How playful the chances of faith and destiny can be?
Look how I play the fire after I burnt myself from the previous one
Again I am stepping on a tiny string that could've led to
another episode of my downfall.

But who am I to resist those smiles that make me hold
my breath for a while.
That smile that can light up the entire room full of unwanted
thoughts from everyone's mind.
You give me yet another thing that will haunt me when there's
no one around

Look how you made the butterflies dance inside me,
coincidentally following your steps flapping their wings on the way
to the door of my heart, I once thought I lost to the ashes
where I came from

Now I will be the knight that will protect your
smile brighter than the sun, let it conquer me in many ways
possible.
Make it shine throughout the day till midnight.

Even though I am from afar and we're separated by a thousand walls.
Even though the space between us was ocean-wide,
just a glimpse of your tenderness was enough to feed my soul from
the drought it endured for a long time.

💚💚💚

05/09/2024

I crave a hug but I have no one, Instead, I embrace my pillow

Do you know one's embrace can cure a million things you've been keeping heavily in your chest?
To hold someone tight when you feel breaking inside and out.
To cling to someone when you feel the world is against you.
The only proof that the love you get was in its purest form.

How was a simple act like this so hard for me to feel, find, and get?
Do I need to shed a million tears before someone can finally notice that I just need the purest form of action known to humankind?
Look how brutal my soul telling my mind that I don't deserve such affection

I know how my heart craves it but now my mind whispering how much fortune it costs for me just to feel one
So here I am in a place where embrace was on the verge of annihilation,
In a world where I am trapped in a cage parched of love and someone's affirmation
It almost shatters me, so instead, I hug my pillow tightly.

💚💚💚

12/08/2024

I'm done considering things that disturbed my peace.
Things that broke me into tiny little pieces,
Things that I embrace with open arms
but later on mess up my sanity.
Those times that I almost forgot myself.
Every second that I waste sitting without a
smile on my face, trying to prove myself to
something that even they were lost to their
own path of self-actualization.
I come to my realization that I am surrounded
by the people who remember every little thing
about me.
I am brave, I found the way out of that dark tunnel
of some self-tortured individuals that consume of what
I could've been — A yellow light of joy,
A strong kid, A mind full of dreams, the healed one.
Yes that's me, I escaped the prison of that person
that need fixing — I can't help anymore.
I am done fixing things that I'm not the one who
breaks it.
I remember the time when I craved for self-respect.
Now I get it,
and no one can take that away from me.

08/08/2024

I know I'm going to hurt from the start
But why didn't I stop?
Is it because I finally taste what I am craving for?
Is it because I am afraid to be alone?
It's hard to stop now, It's hard to think when it all ends.
I'm afraid to go from the start again.
Did I deserve it? Am I deserving?
Where in my mind it screams something I don't understand.

Did it say we're more of a parallel line?
They are too close but never meet on both ends.
Is it real?
Is it not something about time killing?
Or the time was slowly killing us
but we never saw it yet?

Wherein every second, the spark
slowly fades, or is it in my head?
Did my mind try to tell me I'm not
ready for this?
If it ends it will hurt, right?
But why didn't I stop?

-Ives
📸: From a friend

💚💚💚

06/08/2024

Surround yourself with the best people you
can find, sometimes they are the ones that
we never expect to be there when we're on the
verge of falling apart.
Give your trust to someone who knows how
to deal with your darkest days and never even
think to judge the way how you see life
that you are living.
Love the people that never tolerate you in any
wrong decisions you made, instead treasure them.
Those people are the ones that help you grow and
never let you walk in the wrong direction that
could've led to your worst.
Surround yourself with the people that are
optimistic about your little wins in life
because believe me they are free
confident boosters that can walk you through
your biggest achievement on your journey.
Keep winning, don't run, take it slow
we will get what we deserve on the right
time and with those great minds that help
us reach it.

-Ives

💚💚💚

20/07/2024

As I walk that crowded street
haunted by our memories
Stepping away from the
shadow we made at midnight.
At every footstep I made,
It echoes how much I miss you
I wish you walk beside me
in that loud but now,
a quiet place without you

-Ives

💚💚💚

20/07/2024

Is it selfishness?
If I was blue while you were in haze
In your haze while I hurt myself,
tearing up my emotions using only my thoughts.
Where in my dreams
I was the core of that smile on your face
I was the shine on those eyes
I was the tune on your hymn
But the lyrics on your lips were not meant for me,
because I wake up
and your words do not justify me.
I did not hesitate to run
Because running away from you
makes you feel free
and makes you happy
Is it selfishness?

-Ives

💚💚💚

15/07/2024

Life is never a race. Take all the time you need to grow, to think,
to be loved, to remember the things that make you happy,
and of course to be inspired by your own stories.
We all deserve those things we deserve but for now, breathe deep, replenish your mind, sit down, and get up when it's your turn to take the wheel to your greatness.
We love you.
-Ives

💚💚💚

When the pen bleeds

24/12/2024

06/10/2024

06/10/2024

29/09/2024

13/09/2024

05/09/2024

12/08/2024

08/08/2024

06/08/2024

20/07/2024

20/07/2024

15/07/2024

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