15/06/2024
Parenting with Love: My Journey As a Single Parent
(I wrote this article on my blog about 15 years ago. After revisiting and making some editing, I'm happy to share it again.)
Parenting with love has worked well for me. I'm not a parenting expert, nor do I claim to be an exceptional father I am imperfect with many dysfunctions. But I've learned that effective parenting requires three main ingredients: love, perseverance, and forgiveness. Here’s how I see it:
Love
Let's define love using a universal perspective from the Bible. 1 Corinthians 13:3-5 (NIV) states:
"3 If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast, but do not have love, I gain nothing.
4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.
5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs."
Love encompasses patience, kindness, humility, and selflessness. It is the foundation of all virtues, gifts, skills, and knowledge. Without love, everything else is meaningless. The term "love" in the Bible translates to "charity," which includes benevolence, goodwill, and supreme love for God and mankind. It also represents the love and kindness that come from natural relationships, like those between a parent and child.
No matter your status or possessions, without love, they amount to nothing. Love is the glue that holds everything together. You can easily see the difference between those who have love and those who don't.
Expanding on the biblical meaning of love would take volumes. It's more of an action word than a noun, emphasizing what we do for others, especially our children, rather than what we feel for them. How could anyone not love their child? Unfortunately, certain circumstances can lead to this:
Unwanted Child: An unplanned pregnancy can be perceived as a hindrance to personal goals, resulting in resentment towards the child.
Children Born with Defects or Abnormalities: Parents might feel anger or frustration when a child is born with special needs, sometimes irrationally blaming the child.
Suspicious Paternity: Baseless suspicions of infidelity can cause a father to unjustly take out his frustrations on the child.
In some translations, "love is not envy" becomes "love is not jealous." While there's a distinction between the two, the point is that jealousy is a destructive emotion. Sustained negative feelings can lead to abuse or worse. Thus, love must be seen as an active effort, not just a feeling.
Perseverance
The first biblical definition of love is "love is patient." Perseverance inherently involves patience. Parenting is a lifelong journey filled with highs and lows, successes and frustrations. It can be stressful and overwhelming, with no expectation of rewards.
Think of your newborn as a pristine white sheet of paper. As parents, we often envision a bright future for our children, writing our dreams and expectations on this blank slate. However, as the child grows, they start to erase these dreams and replace them with their own. This can be painful, but it's part of their natural and intuitive development.
Children are exposed to both positive and negative influences. If they make poor choices, we must persevere. We guide them, support them, and provide the best options, but ultimately, their future is their own decision.
If our children stray, we must persevere to bring them back to the right path. We love them more and continue to persevere until they succeed.
Forgiveness
The Bible says, "Love keeps no record of wrongs." Parenting will inevitably bring pain, disappointment, and frustration. As our children grow and develop their views, these often conflict with our own, causing us to question our parenting.
From small disagreements to larger conflicts, it’s essential to forgive. Our children are different individuals, growing up in a different era, and facing unique challenges. The generation gap can cause friction, but love, perseverance, and forgiveness can bridge this gap.
Our primary goal should be to teach our children to become good people and, eventually, great parents themselves. This is our lasting legacy.
We should not expect rewards from our children. They did not choose to be born, and their existence is the result of our choices. Imagine if children could choose their parents before birth. How different would things be?
Our children will one day face the same challenges and joys of parenting. How they handle these will be our true reward.
Conclusion
This reflection on parenting with love is not from an expert or a perfect father, but from someone who has learned through experience. I have faced many struggles and joys over the past 25 years as a parent, and my journey to be the best father I can be continues.
With their mother working abroad, I have raised my three children with three core principles: love, perseverance, and forgiveness. Techniques and tactics come second.
Happy and blessed Fathers' Day To All dads both natural and those who assumed fatherhood. Always seek God's help, for He is the greatest Father above all.