BeetPress Satire (2024)

06/04/2023

DAVENPORT, IA - In a stunning turn of events, conservative Americans have announced a mass exodus from beer and have switched to drinking wine coolers. The reason? The major beer companies have gone "woke" and conservatives are no longer able to enjoy a cold one without feeling like they're supporting the enemy. The controversy began when major beer companies like Budweiser and Coors announced their support for social justice causes such as Black Lives Matter and LGBTQ+ rights....

Conservative Americans have announced a mass exodus from beer and have switched to drinking wine coolers out of fear of being Woke.

21/02/2023

WASHINGTON, DC - In a surprising turn of events, a group of Americans has launched a GoFundMe campaign to bribe Senator Ted Cruz to permanently move to Cancún, Mexico. The campaign has already raised over $50,000 and is quickly gaining traction. The campaign was started by a group of frustrated Americans who were fed up with Cruz's constant political posturing and grandstanding....

A group of Americans has launched a GoFundMe campaign to bribe Senator Ted Cruz to permanently move to Cancún, Mexico.

22/10/2022

(Photo by Mark Wilson/Getty Images) NEW YORK, NY - In a move that has surprised investors, former Turing Pharmaceuticals CEO Martin Shkreli was named the CEO of drugmaker Pfizer on Friday. The announcement comes just days before the Fortune 500 company is expected to announce a record-breaking third quarter profits. Best known for founding Turning Pharmaceuticals and investing heavily in the AIDS treatment Daraprim, Shkreli, affectionately known as…...

Former Turing Pharmaceuticals CEO Martin Shkreli was named the CEO of drugmaker Pfizer on Friday, a move that has stunned analysts.

27/08/2022

LONDON, ENGLAND - Family members and fans of the late disco superstar Donna Summers are furious after Rolling Stone UK published a cover story naming former One Direction heartthrob Harry Styles the new Queen of Disco. "My aunt didn't work and sacrifice her entire life to have her legacy erased by a guy from a boy band," said rapper O'Mega Red, nephew of Summer....

https://beetpress.com/2022/08/27/donna-summer-fam-pushes-back-after-harry-styles-named-new-queen-of-disco/

Fans of the late disco superstar Donna Summers are furious after Rolling Stone published a story naming Harry Styles the new Queen of Disco.

13/07/2022

GEORGETOWN, DE - Citing his displeasure with the Court's decision to hear a lawsuit filed by the social media giant Twitter to force him to honor a purchase agreement made in April, Elon Musk has entered a $44 billion deal to purchase the Delaware Court of Chancery from the state. "I believe that that the Court has limitless potential, but is being bogged down by narrow minded judges and frivolous lawsuits such as that between Twitter, which is a bot-ridden wasteland, and X holdings....

https://beetpress.com/2022/07/13/elon-musk-pledges-to-buy-the-delaware-court-of-chancery/

Citing his displeasure with the Court, Elon Musk has entered a $44 billion deal to purchase the Delaware Court of Chancery from the state.

29/05/2022

WASHINGTON, DC - Republican lawmakers, including Colorado Representative Lauren Boebert (R-03) are calling for a reversal of the decades-old ban on lawn darts. "We live in a country where semi-automatic rifles are completely legal and a children's back yard game is illegal, just because a few kids got killed. It's nonsense," explained Boebert, adding "the United States Constitution says clearly that Americans have a right to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness, and playing a game of lawn darts makes people happy." Lawn Darts, which reportedly caused thousands of injuries in the 1970s and 80s, were banned in 1988 by the U.S....

https://beetpress.com/2022/05/29/republican-lawmakers-call-for-reversal-of-lawn-dart-ban/

Republican lawmakers, including Colorado Representative Lauren Boebert, are calling for a reversal of the decades-old ban on lawn darts.

24/05/2022

UVALDE, TX - Texas Senator Ted Cruz paid tribute to the victims of a mass shooting at Robb Elementary School in Uvalde Tuesday that killed fourteen students and one teacher saying "I know the loss must be unimaginable for the families of these children, but we can take solace in our heart of hearts that little Kaylee and her classmates would have grown up to have a deep respect for the Constitution of the United States, specifically the second amendment, had they not been so senselessly gunned down by a psychotic 18 year old with easy access to fi****ms." Texas Governor Greg Abbott echoed Cruz's sentiments and suggested that the only way to honor the dead and prevent such tragedies from happening again is to ease what few gun restrictions still exist.

https://beetpress.com/2022/05/24/kaylee-would-have-wanted-2nd-amendment-rights-says-senator-of-slain-6-year-old/

Texas Senator Ted Cruz paid tribute to the victims of a mass shooting at Robb Elementary School in Uvalde Tuesday.

16/05/2022

WASHINGTON, DC - House Speaker Nancy Pelosi has suggested that mothers unable to purchase baby formula consider feeding their infants ice cream as a temporary measure until the United States supply of formula stabilizes. "When you look at the ingredients - milk, protein, carbohydrates, healthy fats - there's not a whole lot of difference between Häagen-Dazs and Similac," explained Pelosi. Since March, availability of baby formula has dwindled due to regulatory and supply-chain issues, raising concern among lawmakers and parents alike....

https://beetpress.com/2022/05/16/pelosi-recommends-ice-cream-to-fill-baby-formula-gap/

Nancy Pelosi has suggested that mothers consider feeding their infants ice cream until the supply of baby formula stabilizes.

08/05/2022

WASHINGTON, DC - According to a leaked memo, Republican lawmakers are planning to introduce legislation that will mandate women of reproductive age who have not had a child within the past five years become pregnant or have a fetus forcibly inserted into their uterus. "To sustain the human population, we need people, and we get people by having babies," explained the bill's sponsor Senator Ted Cruz, for whom the plan is named, adding "for far too long, women have been ripping babies out of their uteruses and tossing them in dumpsters behind…...

https://beetpress.com/2022/05/08/republicans-propose-plan-c-to-force-fetuses-into-unpregnant-women/

Republican lawmakers are introducing legislation that will mandate women of reproductive age have a fetus forcibly inserted into their uterus.

03/05/2022

LOS ANGELES, CA - Upon learning through leaked documents that the Supreme Court intends to overturn the landmark abortion-rights case Roe v Wade, desperate liberals are pleading with actress Susan Sarandon to uphold the 1973 ruling. Generally understood as the most powerful woman in America, pundits have long credited Susan Sarandon's refusal to support Hillary Clinton in the 2016 presidential election as the sole reason the former Secretary of State lost the election to reality TV star Donald Trump, thus paving the way for a more conservative Supreme Court....

https://beetpress.com/2022/05/03/desperate-liberals-beg-susan-sarandon-for-abortion-rights/

Desperate liberals are pleading with actress Susan Sarandon to uphold the 1973 Roe versus Wade abortion ruling.

03/05/2022

Hillary Clinton Sets Up Back-Alley Abortion Clinic in Houston

Hillary Clinton has set up anabortion clinic in Houston after the Supreme Court denied requests to stop Texas's six-week abortion ban.

22/04/2022

WASHINGTON, DC - In light of the failure of CNN+ to gain traction in the streaming news and information sector, C-SPAN has announced they they are abandoning plans for their C+PLUS streaming service. According to C-SPAN CEO Patrick Esser, the $29.99 per month streaming service delivered reruns of congressional hearings and State of the Union addresses straight to smart phones, televisions, and tablets, as well as original content including the…...

https://beetpress.com/2022/04/22/c-span-quietly-drops-cplus-streaming-service/

After the failure of CNN+, C-SPAN has announced they they are abandoning plans for their C+PLUS streaming service.

22/04/2022

WASHINGTON, DC - President Biden announced Thursday that he is signing an executive order forgiving up to $400 billion in student loan debt for Ukrainian college graduates long burdened under crippling financial strain. "I find it incomprehensible that in a country being pummeled by Putin's military forces, any college graduate should have to choose between feeding their family or paying off their student loans," said Biden at a press conference, adding "a well educated Ukrainian populace is key to their survival against Russia, and we should reward their citizens who chose to attend college or university so that they can get a head start on life - buy a home, start a family, and contribute to their local economy."...

https://beetpress.com/2022/04/22/biden-forgives-student-debt-for-ukrainian-college-graduates/

President Biden announced Thursday that he is forgiving up to $400 billion in student loan debt for Ukrainian college graduates.

21/04/2022

NORFOLK, ENGLAND - England's Queen Elizabeth II celebrated her 96th Birthday, an event which also marks her 70th years on the throne, with a small bowl of Special K and a bowel movement. According to Buckingham Palace, the Queen traveled to her retreat in Norfolk where she treated herself to her favorite breakfast cereal, even splurging for a sprinkling of fresh blueberries....

https://beetpress.com/2022/04/21/queen-elizabeth-ii-celebrates-96th-birthday-with-bowl-of-special-k-and-a-bm/

England's Queen Elizabeth II celebrated her 96th Birthday with a small bowl of Special K and a bowel movement.

23/03/2022

MENLO PARK, CA - In an effort to improve its social media experience and bolster its waning user base, Facebook will introduce a series of new features to compete against rival MySpace. According to analysts, Facebook's membership has been steadily declining over the past few years as rivals such as MySpace and Google+ have been snapping up an ever-increasing share of the market....

https://beetpress.com/2022/03/23/facebook-introduces-pimp-my-profile-feature-to-attract-myspace-users/

In an effort to improve its social media experience, Facebook will introduce a series of new features to compete against rival MySpace.

13/03/2022

KYIV, UKRAINE - Ukraine president Volodymyr Zelenskyy announced Friday that he is considering changing his country's name to Kuwait in hopes that a coalition of forces led by the United States and Great Britain will expel Russian troops from his country. "In 1990, Saddam Hussein sends a few thousand troops into Kuwait, and suddenly a million troops are raining hellfire on Iraq," explained Zelenskyy, adding "I feel like a three-legged cat trying to bury turds on a frozen pond here trying to repel these Russian troops, meanwhile the US and her allies are more than capable of launching a prolonged air campaign and ground invasion to repel Putin's army....

https://beetpress.com/2022/03/13/ukraine-considers-name-change-to-kuwait-in-hopes-of-military-aid/

Zelenskyy is changing his country's name to Kuwait in hopes that forces led by the United States will expel Russian troops from his country

12/03/2022

KYIV, UKRAINE - Kyle Rittenhouse is under fire for reportedly shooting three Ukrainian freedom fighters while defending a Kyiv car dealership against Russian invaders. News of the shooting comes just days after the 19 year old vigilante voluntarily mobilized himself to protect Ukrainian interests against the Russian Army who launched an offensive into the country on February 24th. "Instead of sit idly by and watch as Russia brutalizes another nation, American hero Mr....

https://beetpress.com/2022/03/12/kyle-rittenhouse-shoots-three-ukrainian-freedom-fighters/

Kyle Rittenhouse is under fire for shooting three Ukrainian freedom fighters while defending a Kyiv car dealership against Russian invaders.

10/03/2022

DENVER, CO - Submarine sandwich chain Quiznos announced Thursday that they are closing all Russian locations due to the ongoing conflict in Ukraine, as well as the rest of the roughly 490 locations worldwide. "We need to take a stand against Vladimir Putin's brutal regime and not do business in Russia," explained Quiznos CEO Tim Casey, adding "or the rest of the world due to supply chain issues, rising prices, and a complete lack of sales." Once the second-largest sandwich chain in the world with over 4700 locations, the beleaguered Quiznos will shutter it's remaining 250 domestic and 180 international locations, most of which are struggling to turn a profit....

https://beetpress.com/2022/03/10/quiznos-pulls-out-of-russia-rest-of-the-world/

Quiznos announced they are closing all Russian locations due to the ongoing conflict in Ukraine, as well as the rest of the roughly 490 locations worldwide.

09/03/2022

WASHINGTON, DC - President Biden is considering sending former first lady and senator Hillary Clinton to Moscow to meet with Russian President Vladimir Putin and encourage him to cease aggressions against Ukraine by killing the Russian leader, sources close to the President told BeetPress. The information comes two weeks after Putin ordered Russian troops to invade the independent nation of Ukraine, a move that some fear could move Russia's border closer to NATO countries and trigger an escalation of conflict between the two superpowers....

https://beetpress.com/2022/03/09/biden-mulls-sending-hillary-clinton-to-kill-putin/

President Biden is considering sending former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton to Moscow to kill Vladimir Putin.

08/03/2022

WASHINGTON, DC - As the Russian offensive into Ukraine enters its third week, previously existing supply chain disruptions and a ban on Russian imports of borscht are causing the price of the beet-based soup to spike, adding to economic anxiety. According to analysts, borscht prices have increased over 60 percent since February and show no sign of stopping. "I had to go to three stores just to find anyone who had borscht in stock," said New York City resident Anna Kovalenko, adding "and when I did find it, it was almost $6 a pint....

https://beetpress.com/2022/03/08/record-borscht-prices-strain-american-families/

Supply chain disruptions and a ban on Russian imports of borscht are causing the price of the beet-based soup to spike.

24/02/2022

WASHINGTON, DC - Borscht prices have skyrocketed hours after Russia began a full-scale invasion of Ukraine. According to analysts, the price of the beet-based soup surged above $100 per barrel after President Biden announced new sanctions against Russia. This puts pressure on a global economy already reeling from rampant inflation. Fears of borscht shortages worldwide have led to rationing, and the Brighton Beach neighborhood of Brooklyn is reportedly completely out of the soup....

https://beetpress.com/2022/02/24/russia-invades-ukraine-borscht-futures-soar-60/

Borscht prices have surged to over $100 per barrel hours after Russia began a full-scale invasion of Ukraine.

29/09/2021

LOS ANGELES, CA - Hours after the dissolution of the conservatorship held by her father, Britney Spears has reportedly invested her entire $59 million fortune in the cryptocurrency Dogecoin. Her father, Jamie Spears, has been in charge of his daughter's estate since he asked the court to place her in a conservatorship nearly 13 years ago amid her public breakdown....

https://beetpress.com/2021/09/29/britney-spears-invests-entire-fortune-in-dogecoin/

Free from her father's conservatorship,Britney Spears has reportedly invested her entire $59 million fortune in the cryptocurrency Dogecoin.

16/09/2021

WASHINGTON, DC - It's less than a year into Joe Biden's first term and democrats are already buzzing about who will be his successor should he not seek a second term. For many democratic party insiders, all eyes are on Vice President Kamala Harris and Secretary of Transportation Pete Buttigieg.

https://beetpress.com/2021/09/16/harris-buttigieg-dream-ticket/

Democrats are buzzing about who will be Biden's successor should he not seek a second term, and all eyes are on Harris and Buttigieg.

14/09/2021

NEW YORK, NY - Congresswoman Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez is facing heat for showing up to the exclusive Met Gala wearing former President Obama's tan suit.

https://beetpress.com/2021/09/14/aoc-ripped-for-attending-met-gala-in-tan-suit/

Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez is facing heat for showing up to the exclusive Met Gala wearing former President Obama's tan suit.

09/09/2021

KABUL, AFGHANISTAN - According to sources familiar with the matter, Al-Qaeda will commemorate the 20th anniversary of the September 11th, 2001 terrorist attacks on the United States by flying a US-based jetliner into the World Trade Center.

https://beetpress.com/2021/09/09/al-qaeda-to-commemorate-9-11-by-flying-airliner-into-world-trade-center/

Al-Qaeda will commemorate the 20th anniversary of 9/11 by flying a US-based jetliner into the World Trade Center.

02/09/2021

HOUSTON, TX - Former presidential candidate and Secretary of State Hillary Clinton has reportedly set up a clandestine abortion clinic in Houston after the Supreme Court denied requests to stop Texas's six-week abortion ban.

https://beetpress.com/2021/09/02/hillary-clinton-sets-up-back-alley-abortion-clinic-in-houston/

Hillary Clinton has set up anabortion clinic in Houston after the Supreme Court denied requests to stop Texas's six-week abortion ban.

31/08/2021

WASHINGTON, DC - Just hours after the end of the war in Afghanistan, the United States has set a new peacetime record marking the longest period of time the nation has gone without being involved in an active armed conflict. "Our mission in Afghanistan is over, and our brave troops are on their way home," President Joe Biden said in a televised address to the nation, adding "and now, six hours and twenty-three minutes after the conclusion of hostilities in Afghanistan, America has entered it's longest continuous era of peace since it's founding." Biden then retreated to the White House situation room to order large-scale drone strikes on ISIS-K, and oversee the sale of over $750 million in Joint Direct Attack Munitions to Israel.

https://beetpress.com/2021/08/31/us-sets-record-of-six-hours-without-war/

The United States has set a new record marking the longest period of time the nation has gone without being involved in an armed conflict.

20/08/2021

PALO ALTO, CA - Tesla CEO Elon Musk has unveiled plans for a robot that can s*xually satisfy your wife. According to Musk, Tesla will branch out from building electric, self-driving cars to produce humanoid robots designed to “stimulate human female s*x organs” and respond to moans and exclamations of pleasure from their owners. The robot, code named Dennis, will stand five feet eleven inches tall, weigh 165 pounds, and feature a 7.5 inch cyber p***s....

https://beetpress.com/2021/08/20/elon-musk-unveils-robot-that-can-satisfy-your-wife/

Tesla CEO Elon Musk has unveiled plans for a life sized robot that can “stimulate human female s*x organs”.

13/08/2021

HOUSTON, TX - Texas Senator Ted Cruz has undergone a successful face transplant procedure at Houston Methodist Hospital, according to sources close to the republican lawmaker. "It was getting to the point where Senator Cruz's own children recoiled in horror whenever he was seen unmasked," said a spokesman for Cruz. "Even his patchy beard did little to hide his thin livery lips, bulbous nose, sagging jowls, and crooked yellow teeth," the spokesman continued. While the procedure slightly enhances Cruz's physical appearance, the operation did little to improve his odious personality and shallow, narrow-minded worldview.

https://beetpress.com/2021/08/13/ted-cruz-receives-face-transplant/

Texas Senator Ted Cruz has undergone a successful face transplant procedure at Houston Methodist Hospital.

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