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10/11/2022

Based.

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08/11/2022

All together now 🎶🎤❄️

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07/11/2022

Resting in peace today are the hopes and dreams of Democratic lawmakers who likely won't get the chance to implement their 50% save the planet tax as a black hole 10 times more massive than our sun lurks just 1,560 light-years from Earth. The newfound object, a stellar-mass black hole called Gaia BH1, resides in a binary system whose other member is a sunlike star.

John Kerry and Al Gore have since joined forces and are now working on legislation which would tax Americans 75% of their earnings which, if passed, would be used to combat Blackholes close to earth.

Gore said in a recent interview, "We were just kidding about Climate Change guys. But this...this is actually some serious s**t. We can't afford inaction any longer, and, frankly, there's just no excuse for it. We all want the same thing: for our children and the generations after them to inherit a clean and beautiful planet capable of supporting a healthy human civilization. That goal should transcend politics...Now fork over your money."

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06/11/2022

Resting in peace today are the 66% of Americans who have nothing better to do than focus on meaningless s**t like Daylight Savings Time. The U.S. Senate unanimously approved the Sunshine Protection Act in March, a move that could make daylight saving time permanent in 2023, but the bill hasn’t been voted on by the House because they have other things to worry about like Inflation, the Housing Market, the crashing Economy, Riots, Blackholes and Election Fraud.

A new completely made up study in the journal, Current Biology, predicts that year-round daylight saving time could prevent 36,550 deer deaths, 33 human deaths, 2,054 human injuries and $1.19 billion in collision costs annually.

In the 1970s — the last time Congress made daylight saving time permanent — the decision was reversed in less than a year after the early morning darkness proved dangerous for school children and white women driving to get their Pumpkin Spice Lattes before work.

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06/11/2022

Resting in peace today are the millions of idiots who've spent millions of dollars on what is now being dubbed "the idiot tax," or formerly known as the Powerball. The Powerball jackpot has now grown to an estimated $1.9 billion after no winning tickets were sold in Saturday night’s drawing. With a 1 in 292 million chance of winning, many idiots have now turned to local Casinos and online gambling platforms, where your odds of actually making money are exponentially higher.

One idiot walking out of a casino in South Florida was asked how well he did vs. playing the Powerball. "Welp," he sighed. "I walked in with $300 and walked out with $0. They say Blackjack and Roulette are near 50% odds, but that is an absolute lie. I've been here less than an hour! At least when I play the Powerball I only lose $2."

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04/11/2022

“Gas prices have decreased 20% the last 5 months”

04/11/2022

Look at them all melting down like dogs ☠️❤️‍🔥🐦

03/11/2022

Voter suppression by republicans is at an all time high as conservatives rally around this ridiculous notion that voting legally should be the norm. This is not what this country was founded on.

All people from all walks of life regardless if you are dead or alive have the right to vote! All people regardless if they have an ID or not should have the right to vote! All folks should have the fundamental right to vote as many times as they want!

We cannot allow this radical regime of fascists to rule our land! Take a stand next week! Vote for hyperinflation! Vote for higher taxes! Vote for kids to be able to have gender reassignment surgery!

DeMocRacY iS aT sTeAk 🥩
VoTe bLuE! 🗣

01/11/2022

Resting in peace today are House Music DJs who can now no longer afford to keep their verified woke checkmark and buy food at the same time.

"These are not the vibes we want, bruh." one DJ said. "Living at home with my parents and sleeping on friends couches who have real jobs as a 43-year-old pales in comparison to no longer being able to afford my twitter checkmark, how will others know it's the real me?" He added.

Another DJ chimed in before jumping off an adjacent building to their death, "When I play future gigs at a club or venue, I'll have to sell my free drink ticket for cash, so I can get me an impossible burger from Burger King or something. I can't take this s**t anymore."

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20/10/2022

Resting in peace today are the super computers used to create the blatantly obvious CGI released by NASA, which scientists call "The Pillars of CGI." This image is what's believed by many flat earth cucks to be the very first computer generated image of the universe made on a supercomputer. But due to the worldwide chip shortage, no more computer generated images can be fabricated until some time next year. President Biden, when asked about the chip shortage, avoided the question entirely before turning to shake hands with thin air and then walked offstage. 📡💫

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20/10/2022

Former Vice President Mike Pence recently said, "There might be somebody else I’d prefer,” when asked about Trump's 2024 presidential run for re-election. This comes as a shock to many as his loyalty to Donald Trump and the Republican Party never wavered during the election of 2020 when Pence stepped in to courageously and ethically overturn the election results, f**king over the votes of millions and causing Democrats to storm the Capitol in protest.

On January 6th, Pence addressed the nation, "God spoke to me and said there was no way the most polarizing political figure in modern US history could lose the election to a washed up statesman with dementia and a stuttering problem."

After marching over to the Capitol to see the carnage first hand, he was overheard saying, "If Nancy Pelosi walks in here with those damn heathens, I'm going to punch her out. I will go to jail. And I will be happy to do so." 👊

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20/10/2022

Resting in peace today are democrats as they trail the GOP on a number of economic issues in the polls just weeks from midterms.

"I just didn't think obliterating the economy in less than 2 years would really have much effect on approval ratings," said House Speaker Nancy Pelosi. "We believed forgiving student loan debt at the expense of taxpayers who have no student loan debt, fighting for the right to murder unborn children and firing people who refused to get vaccinated would have been enough to turn the tide. It's truly mind-boggling." she continued.

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20/10/2022

Resting in peace today is Jana Elementary School in Missouri as "unacceptably high" levels of radioactive waste were found on the premises. “I can get a call about a crayon or a pencil, but I can’t get a call about nuclear waste," said Kimberly Anderson, whose three grandchildren attend Jana Elementary.

The Hazelwood School District’s board will switch to virtual instruction on Monday where students and staff, in the interest of safety, can surrounded themselves with radiation emitting objects such as laptops, phones, ipads, microwave ovens, wifi routers, blue tooth devices and power lines for 8 hours each day. "We're just trying to be smart here."

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19/10/2022

Yea but seriously it is kinda funny but it’s also not tho 😭😂

📸: .peaceful.memes

19/10/2022

Resting in peace today are the efforts of Bill and Melinda Gates to eradicate the population with the Covid Vaxxine. They have since changed course and are now fully dedicated to ethically and righteously eradicating Polio instead.

As scientists, the power couple have worked tirelessly over the years to improve the lives of those living areas less fortunate than our own. We appreciate their tireless efforts.

“The last steps to eradication are by far the toughest, as you know 😉” said foundation CEO Mark Suzman. ☣️☢️

19/10/2022

Resting in peace today is Choephel Norbu, 49, of New York who lit a restaurant on fire after recieving a botched chicken biryani order.

When questionsed, Norbu said "When deliveries are made at the front door you move the stuff out the back and sell it at a discount. You take a two hundred dollar case of booze and sell it for a hundred. It doesn't matter. It's all profit. Then finally, when there's nothing left...When you can't borrow another buck from the bank or buy another case of booze, you bust the joint out. You light a match."

After realizing he was just quoting a line from GoodFellas, he was arrested and later freed without bail.

18/10/2022

You can’t unsee it

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18/10/2022

World renouned doctor and alleged scientist, Anthony Fauci, has been working in conjunction with other scientists to grow human brain cells in rats to study diseases in Wuhan, China. When pressed for specifics, Fauci replied, "We have everything under control. Nothing to see here." Stay tuned for more updates on this developing story. 🐭🦠

18/10/2022

Resting in peace today are those unvaccinated as trustworthy pharma goliath, Pfizer, offers their 178th booster shot. "The early data suggests that our bivalent vaccine is anticipated to provide better protection against currently circulating variants than the original 177 vaccines," CEO Albert Bourla said in a press statement.

The initial results come from blood samples taken from 40 people between the ages of 18 and 55 and 40 people over the age of 55. Pfizer says there was a substantial boost in antibody protection against the BA.5 subvariant in both groups.

Pfizer was able to confidently assure the public that because booster trials were successful in 40 people, it would be safe and effective for the remaining 330 million people in America to take as well. ☠️🪦

18/10/2022

Resting in peace today are the naysayers of President Biden, who have now been made to look like fools as he boasts an array of successes in his latest speech to the American public. Biden addressed the recently passed Inflation Reduction Act which, according to Far Right conspiracy theorist John Kerry, "doesn't have much to do with inflation, but that’s OK."

Next, he claims that the current 8.2% rate of inflation is actually progress. "In our quest to hike up interest rates and taxes to the 40%-50% mark, that would put us right in line with other common sense countries like China, Germany and the UK. From there we can just offer everything to you for free since you'd be prepaying for it anyway."

Biden concluded his address by mentioning his fight to lower drug prices. "Big Pharma can no longer raise drugs prices faster than inflation. That means there's more money at the end of the month to pay for groceries. That extra several hundred dollars you'd spend on medicine can now be spent on 2 dozen eggs, a stick of butter, and a jar of pickles." 🇺🇸 💩

18/10/2022

Just when you thought your life as a parent couldn't possibly get any worse 🙈 RIP

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18/10/2022

Resting in peace today is Dunkin' Donuts whose customers are now furious with the company after making new changes to their rewards program which requires patrons to spend $50 before they earn a free coffee.

"I no longer run on Dunkin," one user wrote on Reddit. Another user wrote, "RIP dunks, it was nice while you were actually rewarding, even tho you only got my drinks right 1/3 of the time.”

The company sadly filed for bankruptcy just a day later as it soon realized they only have about 17 customers nationwide. Turns out, nobody has given a s**t about breakfast ever since intermittent fasting has grown exponentially among woke millennials in the past decade.🍩 ☕️

17/10/2022

Resting in peace today are consumers of Beyond Meat who, in a shocking turn of events, were stunned to find out the current COO of the company is actually a cannibal. Doug Ramsey was suspended following the alleged nose-biting incident, when he was charged with felony battery and making a terroristic threat.

Sources close to Ramsey claim he told them he could no longer live as a closeted vegan and has been suppressing these cannibalistic urges for many years. But after binge-watching the new Netflix series, Dahmer, it triggered him to act on those urges.

Beyond Meat said it is now cutting 200 employees, or about 19% of its workforce, amid a sales slump as consumers shift away from plant-based meat alternatives which nobody saw coming as their burgers taste like absolute dog s**t. 🍔👃

17/10/2022

Resting in peace today is the last of President Biden's cognitive ability, as he confidently reassures the public in the midst of a recession that there won't be a recession at all.

Lucky for the American people, we are also experiencing the LaRgEsT aNd fAsTeSt eCoNoMiC gRoWtH in American history, which should offset the recession entirely, according to the White House. An unprecedented mind f**k for the ages indeed!

With interest rates at the highest they've been since the Backstreet Boys were the top-selling band in the world, and food prices skyrocketing 10%, 20%, and 30% there is no doubt people are better off today than they were before Joe Biden took office. 🇺🇸 🗳

17/10/2022

Resting in peace today is the hypothetical altercation between Nancy Pelosi and former President, Donald J. Trump. In the midst of this quarrel, Nancy Pelosi seems to have punched Mr. Trump in the face just days before moving forward with impeachment proceedings in the house for inciting violence.

Prior to the insurrection at the capital, President Trump was heard riling up the crowd, shouting frenzied obscenities such as "I know that everyone here will soon be marching over to the Capitol building to peacefully and patriotically make your voices heard!" and "Please support our Capitol Police and Law Enforcement. They are truly on the side of our Country. Stay peaceful!"

Truly a sad day for America. Luckily, Nancy Pelosi was there to straighten him out. 👊🇺🇸

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