Nope We're Not Monogamous

11/03/2025

What's your biggest challenge in creating authentic relationships?
a) Overcoming inherited beliefs
b) Communicating desires clearly
c) Balancing personal needs

10/03/2025

You know the one

08/03/2025

"But how do I know if I'm doing it right?"

This might be the #1 question I hear from clients navigating non-monogamy.

Truth is, your journey isn't about being "perfect" - it's about progress.

Where are you on the security scale?

Fearful: Everything feels scary and uncertain
Steady: Starting to find your footing
Secure: Confidently handling challenges
Unshakeable: Living authentically with ease

That last level? It's not about never feeling wobbles. It's about knowing you can handle whatever comes up.

(Plot twist: Even at "unshakeable," you'll have moments of uncertainty. The difference? They don't throw you off course anymore.)

In my latest podcast episode, I break down exactly how to move through these levels - and why trying to figure it out alone might be costing you more than you think.

Listen to the new episode: "The Hidden Price Tag of Figuring Out Non Monogamy Alone" wherever you get your podcasts, or click the link in my bio.

Where do you see yourself on this scale? Let me know in the comments.

06/03/2025

You know that moment when your Google history is just variations of "how to handle jealousy" and "non-monogamy help"?

(We've all been there, right between "how to remove coffee stains" and "what does this emoji really mean" 😅)

Trust me, I get it. With all the books, podcasts, and Reddit threads out there, it feels like you should be able to piece it together yourself.

But here's the truth bomb I drop in my latest podcast episode: going it alone often costs way more than you think.

And I'm not talking about money.

I share real stories from my clients (with permission, obviously - I'm not out here spilling tea without consent).

Like the couple who thought they had crystal clear communication… until they realized they were speaking completely different languages about what "being honest" meant.

Ouch.

Your relationships deserve a foundation built on clarity, confidence, and real support.

Not just trial and error and crossed fingers.

Want to skip the "making it up as you go" phase?

Let's chat about where you are, what's actually working, and how to move forward without the trial-and-error drama.

Book a clarity call on my website.

Because sometimes the smartest DIY move is knowing when to call in support. 😉

05/03/2025

Ten years ago, I made a mistake that nearly cost me my relationship.

I thought I had it all figured out. I'd read the books. I'd done the research. I was "ready" to open my relationship.

(Narrator voice: I was not ready 😅)

I still remember that first night my partner went on a date. My stomach was in knots. My heart was racing.

But I kept telling myself I was fine.

Spoiler alert: I was not fine.

Instead, I found myself:
• Checking my phone every 2 minutes
• Fighting back tears I "shouldn't" be crying
• Feeling simultaneously angry and guilty about being angry
• Wondering if I was "too broken" for this lifestyle

The shame spiral was real. Why couldn't I just be "cool" about this?

The worst part wasn't even the jealousy.

It was the loneliness of having no one to call who would understand. No one to tell me these feelings were normal.

That night taught me the most expensive lesson of my non-monogamy journey:

Trying to be "strong" by going it alone isn't strength - it's unnecessary suffering.

Now, ten years later, I help others skip that painful learning curve.

Because your heart deserves better than trial and error.

Ready to do this the supported way?

Let's chat! (my bio has the deets)

Because you're not "too broken" - you just need the right tools.

04/03/2025

Let's talk about the J-word.

You know… jealousy.

That feeling we're all "supposed" to be too evolved to experience in non-monogamy. 🙄

Here's the thing - ignoring jealousy is like ignoring a check engine light. Sure, you can pretend it's not there…

Until something breaks down.

After working with hundreds of non-monogamous folks, I've seen what happens when we try to stuff those feelings down:

• They pop up as passive-aggressive texts
• They show up as mysterious "stomach aches" when your partner has dates
• They transform into 3am anxiety spirals
• They turn into relationship-ending explosions

(Ask me how I know… actually, don't. That's a story for another post 😅)

But here's the good news:

Jealousy isn't a sign you're "bad" at non-monogamy. It's just data.

Ready for some practical steps?

Name it to tame it: "Hey, I noticed I'm feeling wobbly about…"

Get curious, not furious: "What's this feeling trying to tell me?"

Journal it out (your notes app at 2am counts)

Actually talk to your partner(s) before it becomes A Thing™

Because here's the truth: The strongest non-monogamous relationships aren't built on never feeling jealous.

They're built on knowing how to handle it when you do.

Drop a ❤️ if you've ever pretended to be "totally fine" when you weren't. You're not alone.

Want to learn how to transform jealousy from your enemy to your ally? There's still time to join us in Beyond Jealousy

03/03/2025

01/03/2025

The most beautiful thing happened in our first "Beyond Jealousy" session this week....

As our group of non-monogamous folks shared their experiences with jealousy, I watched something magical unfold:

that "you too?!" moment of recognition in everyone's eyes.

One by one, people expressed how relieved they felt knowing they weren't alone in their jealousy struggles.

Those feelings that seemed so isolating?

Turns out they're actually a common part of many non-monogamous journeys.

This is exactly why I created this group coaching program - because working through jealousy doesn't have to be a lonely road.

We can learn from each other, grow together, and find strategies that actually work.

If you've ever thought "am I the only one who feels this way?" while navigating non-monogamy, I promise you're not.

And there's a supportive circle waiting for you in Beyond Jealousy.

Curious about joining us? Drop a comment or DM me for details about getting in right now! 💜

01/03/2025

This is a conversation that I have OFTEN! You are not alone.

Them:

😫 I’m new to this whole thing and am having a really hard time with it.

🌟Why is jealousy so hard to deal with?

🌧️Why can't I just be ok with it?

😪Why does it make me feel so awful for feeling the way I do?

😪I feel like I’m taking away his favorite toy that is bringing him joy but I just don't want him to have it.

😥I want him to be happy and I don't WANT to take it away, but it brings me down. And when I share my feelings then he feels bad and it's a never ending cycle.

😵I just really don’t know if I’m cut out for this sorta thing."

Me: "I can absolutely relate! I remember being exactly there. Jealousy and monogamous conditioning take time and work to untangle. For me it helped that I wanted non-monogamy for myself even though I was struggling so hard through it.

I actually didn't date anyone for quite a while because I couldn't do both, the work of finding my way through the jealousy while also working my way through the guilt I felt when I would date.

The jealousy piece came down to figuring out what wounds were being activated. For me it was a deep sense of abandonment (stemming from childhood) and a lack of self value (how could I believe I wasn't being left for someone "better" if I didn't actually believe I was worth staying with?)

And I'll add that just a couple of years later I have loads of confidence, strong boundaries, and multiple fantastic relationships 💜

27/02/2025

Struggling to Find Your Polyamorous Community? You're Not Alone.

Finding your people in non-monogamy can feel overwhelming—especially when you’re just starting out. Where do you go? Who do you talk to? Will you feel welcome?

I recently spoke with Aly Moon, an organizer in the Pacific Northwest polyamory scene, about how to build inclusive, intentional spaces for connection.

Aly didn’t just find her community—she created it. When existing events didn’t feel welcoming enough, she took matters into her own hands.

Her secret? Be the person who makes others feel included. At her events, she stands at the door, greets newcomers, and makes sure no one feels like an outsider.

Her top advice for finding (or creating) your polyam community:

✅ Search online for local polyam groups & events (Facebook, Discord, Meetup)

✅ Show up! Attend socials, munches, and meetups—yes, even if it feels awkward at first

✅ Can’t find the right space? Create it. Sometimes, the best way to build community is to start one

💬 How did you find your people? Or are you still searching?
Drop your experiences, struggles, or questions in the comments—I’d love to hear from you!

26/02/2025

We begin today!! Are you coming??

24/02/2025

Life feels so uncertain right now—politics, the economy, the constant ‘what ifs.’ But here’s the truth: your relationships won’t pause until things “return to normal.”

If you’re holding off on working through your jealousy, waiting for that perfect time… ask yourself:

What are you losing out on every day you delay?
How much connection, trust, and peace of mind are you missing because you’re still holding back?

The world might be unpredictable, but your relationships deserve love, care, and attention right now.

It’s time to take that first step—because the sooner you do, the sooner you’ll start seeing real change.

22/02/2025

Are you struggling to navigate the complexities of non-monogamous relationships?
In my latest podcast episode, I break down why clarity is the cornerstone of thriving in open relationships.

Here's the truth: relationships often falter due to a lack of clarity.

When you're not clear about your needs, boundaries, and vision, how can you expect your partner to understand and meet them?

In this episode, I guide you through:

→Defining your non-negotiables
→Recognizing past patterns that shape your relationships
→Understanding your emotional triggers
→Aligning your goals with your partners
→Creating solid, enforceable boundaries

One key takeaway: Your "why" is your North Star.

Whether it's valuing autonomy, seeking deep connections, or exploring different ways of relating, knowing your guiding principle ensures your choices are intentional, not reactive.

I share real examples from my coaching experience, like a client who jumped into non-monogamy without asking themselves what they truly wanted.

Through our work, they discovered their own values aligned with their partner's, even if their reasons differed.

Remember, clarity isn't about control - it's about self-respect and creating fulfilling relationships.

It's the framework that holds everything together, from communication to boundary-setting.

Feeling lost in non-monogamy?

Struggling with unclear boundaries? Join my 8-week group coaching program, Beyond Jealousy, where we'll dive deep into creating clarity, defining boundaries, and navigating non-monogamy with confidence.

21/02/2025

20/02/2025

Without clarity, it’s easy for relationships to feel uncertain. In this episode, I share why getting clear on your goals and boundaries is essential and how to get started.

20/02/2025

https://www.elleciapaine.com/notmonogamous/2025/2/20/st4yot6if9975ls535mifbikpk61yv

Discover how clarity can transform your non-monogamous relationships into thriving connections. Learn the key strategies to build trust, communication, and fulfillment in your adventurous lifestyle.

19/02/2025

What brought you here?

Why do you want to overcome jealousy in your relationships?

When I started this journey, I wasn’t sure I’d ever find peace.

Jealousy felt so overwhelming.

But more than anything, I wanted to feel secure in myself, trust in my relationships, and live with a sense of ease instead of suspicion.

That “why” drove me to do the deep work, and it’s why I created Beyond Jealousy: to help others experience that same transformation.

I believe no one should have to live in constant doubt or comparison.

My passion for this work comes from seeing how powerful it is to shift those emotions—how it can create more space for love, joy, and connection in our lives.

So I want to know: What’s your “why”?

Is it to feel more confident, to strengthen your relationships, or to show up more authentically in your love life?

Your reason matters. It’s what will carry you through the challenges and help you create the kind of relationship you’ve always wanted.

And I’ll be right here, every step of the way, helping you turn that vision into reality.

Let’s make this transformation happen, together.

19/02/2025