Knock on Parenthood Podcast

04/05/2023

Preeclampsia Awareness Month means a lot to me. 3 years ago in May, my wife was diagnosed with preeclampsia. Something we both didn’t even know existed and my daughter was born 5 weeks early.

The month of May is a reflection for me. Not only is it the awareness month, it is the month I almost lost my wife and daughter in the same day. It was supposed to be the happiest day of my life.

This is a picture of me before I was allowed into the OR. Before all the really bad stuff happened. Don’t get me wrong, it was already bad since Courtney’s BP was sky rocketing and Cora’s heart rate was decelerating rapidly. But there was so much more they both had to go through.

And I just watched.

I couldn’t do anything.

I just watched while my heart broke.

Cried when no one was around. Because I had to be strong. I was the husband, the new father, the man. I had to be strong for my girls.

Preeclampsia is so much more than just high blood pressure. It’s living in fear that you’ll lose your wife and baby. It’s just watching all the bad things happen to them while you wished you could take both of their places.

-reposted from May 2022-

14/11/2022

It’s been one month since our baby died.

It still feels surreal it happened to us. We are sad and miss our baby terribly. Instead of watching our baby grow through Courtney’s belly, we packed up the positive tests and photos into a box tucked away in our closet. Instead of preparing for a new baby to come earthside, we are mourning our dead baby.

We don’t really know where to go from here. I’m not sure what this account or our podcast will look like from here. This experience has changed us, just like how experiencing preeclampsia and the NICU did.

As each day passes, it gets easier. Courtney gets better physically. Mentally and emotionally it comes and goes for us both. As a father, I ache that I will never be able to be a father to my baby who was prayed for and was wanted here on earth. As a husband, I ache that I had to watch my wife endure another emergency surgery and recovery from that.

One day we might be back to podcasting. Thanks for the love and support.

Steven

18/10/2022

18/10/2022

—Podcast placed on hold until TBD see below—

We lost our baby.

Friday Courtney had an emergency surgery due to an ectopic pregnancy and a large bleeding cyst in her o***y.

Baby was in her Fallopian tube and her tube is gone too. She had also a d & c.

We are devastated. It took us a long time to be able to think about having another pregnancy. And took a long time for Courtney to be medically able to and months to get a positive test. We kept the pregnancy to ourselves and Courtney’s doctors until we had to reach out for help.

Courtney and I are so grateful for her doctors who listened to her when she first bled on Monday and had her come in. Who ran lots of blood work to check her hcg and when that wasn’t going up, gave her an ultrasound where it was all discovered. She was sent to the hospital from her appointment with her doctor to have the surgery STAT. We got to see our baby when she woke up from surgery.

We are numb. We are sad. We are blessed and grateful for her medical team and all the nurses and nurse antheisologist who held Courtney’s hands in the OR while she was going under and comforted me and her because I couldn’t be there with her. We are blessed there was time for me to give her a short priesthood blessing before and I know Heavenly Father was there during the surgery helping and comforting.

It feels like a cruel joke that this happened during October, which is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. And the night before the awareness day (Which is today) where everyone lights a candle to honor babies lost. But also during Courtney’s birthday weekend (her bday is tomorrow).

We will be okay eventually. Right now we aren’t. We miss our baby. And we are working on a name for our baby so baby smith will be remembered. We were so excited to have a second chance of a better outcome for a pregnancy and birth and for Cora Belle to be a big sister. She will always be a big sister, but our baby is in heaven. And she will not be able to realize this until she’s older.

Im sharing because we are grieving. We miss our baby. And tonight we are lighting a candle for our baby for Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day.

Please send us prayers we can get through this. We are not okay right now but we will be.

Edited to add: I am sharing because with the trauma I experienced with the early and traumatic birth of my daughter we kept to ourselves which we learned was not helpful. So we are reaching out for help and comfort during this time of mourning. The loss of our baby we wanted and prayed for.

16/10/2022

All I can say is I am grateful for my wife and daughter in my life. Courtney is the best mom to our Cora and our baby in heaven. I wish we were celebrating you under happier circumstances. Happy birthday Courtney! I love being married to you! It’s the best choice I ever made!

30/09/2022

International Podcast Day! We have been more silent on here & releasing less episodes. All for good reasons though! We are ending the second season of episodes. We have yet to record our last episode (it’s busy!) but it’ll be here soon. Right now the next season will start March 2023. But we’ll know more as it gets closer.

We are so grateful for all of you. Your support, emails, DMs, likes and comments. It’s given us a space to share our stories and the stories of others.

We are most active on . I (Courtney) is more of the face of it but Steven is always doing the behind the scenes.

-Steven & Courtney

19/08/2022

Tomorrow!

Excited to share I’ll be a speaker at the Global Virtual Panel of Preeclampsia Survivors Event. I’ll be speaking on Preeclampsia and it’s impact on mental health.

Registration is FREE and the link is here ( https://www.eventbrite.co.uk/e/global-virtual-panel-of-preeclampsia-survivors-tickets-232944823237?aff=erelexpmlt )

Let me know in the comments below if you’ll be joining me!

21/07/2022

Thanks Love What Matters for sharing our story.

"I cried the moment I saw my little baby inside of a plastic box."

13/07/2022

This week Courtney and Steven are learning about the PreeMe + You app created by Dr. Yaya Ren. 

Dr. Yaya Ren is a medical anthropologist and social entrepreneur passionate about creating systems that nurture meaningful connections in healthcare. As a Fulbright scholar, she conducted fieldwork with NICU families and medical teams in Taiwan and United States--documenting their joys and challenges, and capturing their wisdom to share with others. She is passionate about creating technologies that create and nurture meaningful in-person interactions.
 
It was a great conversation and is such a great app and resource!

25/06/2022

Thanks Only You: A One and Done Podcast for having Courtney on your show!

https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/only-you-a-one-and-done-podcast/id1534342400?i=1000567610658

‎Show Only You: A One and Done Podcast, Ep Mini Episode 66: On Preeclampsia with Courtney of Knock On Parenthood Podcast - Jun 24, 2022

22/06/2022

This quote is from Adam Wood Episode 17 of the podcast.

My wife didn’t get to see our daughter until 27 hours after she was born. I was able to follow her into the NICU and see and touch her just moments after birth. I felt so bad that my wife couldn’t. I was able to feed our daughter, hold her and talk to her.

But my wife couldn’t. Looking back, I feel a little guilty. Maybe if I would’ve said something to the doctors she would’ve been able to seen her. Maybe if I pushed a little harder things would’ve been different.

What about you?

14/06/2022

shares how she bonded with her son during her surrogacy journey on our latest episode. Link in bio.

12/06/2022

This week Courtney chats with MJ from the Instagram account The Biggest Ask . She shares how her journey with surrogacy started, after losing her son, Luca, after his early birth due to preeclampsia at 25 weeks MJ talks about everything to do with surrogacy, the financial aspect, mental, emotional, and relationships with surrogates and intended parents. 

Available wherever you listen to podcasts!

12/06/2022

New episode out with MJ from the The Biggest Ask. She talks to Courtney all about surrogacy and how her journey with surrogacy started. Available wherever you listen to podcasts!

https://anchor.fm/knockonparenthoodpodcast/episodes/40--What-is-Surrogacy--With-Special-Guest-MJ-from-The-Biggest-Ask-e1hj2q1

This week Courtney chats with MJ from the Instagram account The Biggest Ask. She shares how her journey with surrogacy started, after losing her son, Luca, after his early birth due to preeclampsia at 25 weeks MJ talks about everything to do with surrogacy, the financial aspect, mental, emotional, a...

31/05/2022

It’s Steven’s birthday today! He is a great co-host! He does a lot of the behind the scenes for Knock on Motherhood as well. Be sure to wish him a happy birthday in the comments below! ⬇️⬇️⬇️

27/05/2022

This week we have a very special guest, and our most requested guest, Jess from . Courtney & Jess have a lot in common with each other being both preeclampsia survivors and NICU moms and they discuss experiencing preeclampsia and the NICU changed them as parents. Jess discusses how she knew she was one and done and gives advice for others who are deciding to have another child or not.

This episode is such a great one and gives great advice for those who are on the fence of having another child.

Listen on where ever you listen to podcasts!

26/05/2022

So true. Mine didn’t hit until after the first year though.

When we hear the phrase 'postpartum', we usually immediately think of birthing mothers. The truth though, is that fathers can experience Postpartum Depression and Anxiety too. And just like NICU Mothers, NICU Fathers are at a greater risk of experiencing these symptoms, due to the extraordinary stressors placed on them by having a baby in the NICU.

For NICU Fathers, just some of these stressors include witnessing a traumatic birth, financial stress, lack of emotional support, and an exclusion from the bonding experience with their medically fragile newborn.

If you are a NICU Father in the first 12 months postpartum, and have felt a major change in your mood or thinking including anger or irritability, fatigue, difficulty sleeping or sleeping too much, marked changes in weight, difficulty concentrating, sadness or tearfulness, and thoughts of death or su***de, it may be time to seek support.

Tonight, we host our monthly "NICU Dads chat" at 8:30 PM EST on Zoom. This is a casual place for dads to come and just be. Registration information is in the link in our bio.

* Paulson JF, Bazemore SD. Prenatal and Postpartum Depression in Fathers and Its Association With Maternal Depression: A Meta-analysis. JAMA. 2010;303(19):1961–1969. doi:10.1001/jama.2010.605

14/05/2022

My favorite thing to do in the NICU was kangaroo care. I loved snuggling my little baby. I was able to do it more often than my wife the first week of her life. Courtney was hospitalized herself during that time and her physical state often prevented her from being able to go to the NICU.

I loved being a dad. I still do. I always wanted to be a dad. It was rough how my journey to fatherhood came to be, but I wouldn’t change it.

12/05/2022

Check out our latest episode with Liz & Victoria! May is Preeclampsia Awareness Month and we are talking about health after preeclampsia and HELLP Syndrome. Available wherever you listen to podcasts.

08/05/2022

BONUS Episode out tonight! Talking about Preeclampsia Awareness Month

May is Preeclampsia Awareness Month. Preeclampsia is near and dear to my heart since I am a preeclampsia survivor. 3 years ago at the end of May is when I gave birth to my daughter early due to preeclampsia. So this month has all kinds of meaning for me. This episode I am sharing the audio of this y...

03/05/2022

What I wrote last year about preeclampsia awareness month ⬇️⬇️⬇️

Preeclampsia Awareness Month means a lot to me. 2 years ago in May, my wife was diagnosed with preeclampsia. Something we both didn’t even know existed and my daughter was born 5 weeks early.

The month of May is a reflection for me. Not only is it the awareness month, it is the month I almost lost my wife and daughter in the same day. It was supposed to be the happiest day of my life.

This is a picture of me before I was allowed into the OR. Before all the really bad stuff happened. Don’t get me wrong, it was already bad since Courtney’s BP was sky rocketing and Cora’s heart rate was decelerating rapidly. But there was so much more they both had to go through.

And I just watched.

I couldn’t do anything.

I just watched while my heart broke.

Cried when no one was around. Because I had to be strong. I was the husband, the new father, the man. I had to be strong for my girls.

Preeclampsia is so much more than just high blood pressure. It’s living in fear that you’ll lose your wife and baby. It’s just watching all the bad things happen to them while you wished you could take both of their places.

01/05/2022

May is Preeclampsia Awareness Month

28/04/2022

Snippet of our latest episode with sharing the birth of her twins at 24 weeks. Link in bio.

22/04/2022

Nothing prepares you for this.

No one ever tells you that your baby could be in the NICU what it is is like.

No one ever prepared me for a birth of my child as a less than ideal experience.

No one ever told me that I would spend days just watching my baby in an incubator.

No one ever told me about the feelings I would experience being a first time parent with a baby in the NICU.

There’s nothing you can do to prepare for it.

You just hope you’re part of the lucky few who never has to know what it is like.

20/04/2022

Surprise! We have another episode out today!

On this episode we talk with Heather again but this time she is teaching us about pelvic physical therapy. She shares why it is important and also gives some tips to help your pelvic health after pregnancy.

Available wherever you listen to podcasts.

20/04/2022

Today we are sharing birth story with her 24 weeker twins. She also shares with us her two books she wrote. Her first book “Learning to Breathe” is about her journey with her twins. Her second book “The NICU Mama Survival Guide” is all about how moms can help heal from birth without leaving the NICU. She uses her training as a pelvic physical therapist to give tips in her book.

Such a great episode! Available wherever you listen to podcasts.

17/04/2022

The effects of preeclampsia last way beyond pregnancy or the initial postpartum period.

Preeclampsia survivors need to look out for these 9 important long term effects. The effects include diabetes and various cardiovascular problems.

17/04/2022

I will never forget the first time I met my baby.

She was so small and fragile.

She came via emergency c section after 1 previous hospital stay, about 1.5 weeks of bedrest and many sleepless nights worried something bad was going to happen to my wife.

I immediately felt a bond and connection to her. All I wanted in life was to be a dad and it was finally here. I made sure I was there for almost every care while she was in the NICU. I wanted to take care of my baby. And I was so excited she was here.

But at the same time I felt empty.

It wasn’t supposed to go like this. She needed 5 more weeks to grow inside my wife’s belly. She needed to meet her mom right away, instead of it waiting 27 hours. We were supposed to spend her first day on earth just the three of us, not separated into 2 different hospital rooms.

I struggled with that. And to be honest, I still do. I won’t ever forget how it felt to be thrown into a NICU stay as a first time dad.

17/04/2022

Our latest podcast episode with Ashley who is a postpartum eclampsia survivor. Listen to wherever you listen to podcasts.