A Grief Redeemed

14/08/2023

Mindful Monday

What do you need to hear from YOURSELF or the LORD that would help your heart and/ or mind this week?

14/08/2021

I stumbled upon this video about helping a friend who is hurting. It reminds me of Brene Brown’s Empathy video. It is a great reminder that simply just acknowledging someone’s pain is more healing than trying to fix or help someone see the bright side of a situation. (Please watch because it is so helpful)

https://www.facebook.com/buzzfeedfyi/videos/312037746243989/

12/08/2021

Tomorrow will be 7 years since my best friend, father to our son, my cheerleader, the king of chill, the die hard Disney fan, the shoulder to cry on when I was having a hard day, the amazing cook, my partner in all things random and fun and adventurous died of stage 4 colon cancer at the age of 29 years old.

Seeing him slowly deteriorate before my eyes was hard but learning to slowly live without him has been harder than words could ever express. It’s been a journey of many many tears, periods of anger and confusion, and the courage to face the pain and move through and to the other side of grief.

We have had our hard days but we have managed to stay close to the Lord and find people along the way to stand by us through these past 7 years. It has meant the world to have friends and family send us flowers, gift cards, and most of all prayer and encouragement on anniversaries and hard days.

Nothing replaces the loss but being joined is the next best thing than suffering alone.

26/07/2021

*FB isn’t letting me post photos and videos in the same post.

This is the video of my son reading the first few pages of the book

26/07/2021

A friend of mine recommended I take a look at this book.
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I love love love this book! And I love all the positive affirmations it teaches to kids and learning how to get in touch with how their bodies are feeling and how to use positive self talk to calm and encourage themselves. As an adult I feel like I learned so much by this simple yet profound book about fostering resilience.
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Who couldn’t use more positive self talk in their lives???

24/07/2021

For almost 7 years I have heard people say these things to me and more after my late husband died.

First off, being “single” after being married and widowed is NOT NOT NOT the same as when you were single before you were married. And although I look I am in my 20’s, I am not and even if I was, youth does not guarantee you will find someone.

Overall I know people mean well but there is no guarantee I will find someone. And at this point, after honestly trying everything, it doesn’t look too promising for me at all.
At the end of the day I just want people to just listen, cry, and say,”I’m sorry you have to go through this.”

I think something I am learning to do in general when I see someone in a hard place is to just sit and join them.

It’s better to just acknowledge where they are at and sit with them in what they are feeling then talk about where you hope they will be.

Any single, widowed or widower, divorced, or people grieving a loss relate? What do you wish people would say or would have said?

12/07/2021

Sorry it took awhile to finish and post this. So many things have happened in between episodes. But it's ready now. Happy Monday everyone!
https://anchor.fm/agriefredeemed/episodes/Episode-11-Things-I-Wish-People-Knew-About-Grief-and-Widowhood-e14apk3

This episode is somewhat of a compilation of topics and things I have already mentioned on other episodes but thought I would go more into depth into some of those things. And I wanted this to be a closing to the first season before I start season 2. I talk about the difficult and hard things about....

25/06/2021

Over the years I’ve heard many people say that they are impressed by how my son is so emotionally mature and wise or that I seem to be so strong.
And while that can be flattering, it is usually the exact opposite of how I see myself as.
This next podcast episode, episode 11, will be the close of my first season of my podcast before I start the second season of talking about the book The Body Keeps the Score and how it relates to my own healing journey and experiences in processing trauma and death.
In episode 11, I also plan to talk about the good and bad about all that I’ve learned over the years and things I wish people understood about being a young widow and being a solo parent. My plan is to record episode 11 this or next weekend.
*Follow my podcast on Spotify or wherever you get your podcast and be looking for my new post on here for when I finish episode 11.

20/06/2021

Today, Father’s Day, is always a bittersweet day. This is NOT the life I wanted for my son. I do my best everyday but my heart breaks that I can’t protect my son fully from the pain that he feels as he grapples with being the only kid in his class year after year without a dad. I can only hold him when he cries and pray for his sweet heart as he hurts. It’s one thing for me to feel pain but it’s another to watch your child feel pain and feel like you can’t fix anything.

My son had an AMAZING dad for 2 years of his life and although it was short, his heart will be and has been forever shaped by my late husband. And for that I am grateful.

I love you Ben. 😢💗Thank you for all the love you poured into us when you were alive. Till this day I have no idea how you worked full time while doing chemo rounds. You showed me what it means to be so sacrificial and so selfless. It’s been so hard since you died. There is not a day that goes by that I don’t miss you or miss your corny but lovable jokes. And those jokes and your calm presence would have been so comforting during this pandemic.

Even though you aren’t here babe, I still honor and remember you today.
This day and everyday is too hard for me to handle. But I know the Lord’s strength and the Lord’s arms has been and will be more than capable to carry us through today and all the rest of the days.

05/06/2021

“After you have experienced something so unspeakable, how do you learn to trust yourself or anyone else again?...It takes enormous trust and courage to allow yourself to remember.”
-The Body Keeps The Score (pg13)

I started reading this book with a friend and I am about 7 chapters in.

I am excited to read this book and begin reviewing this book on some upcoming podcasts of what I’ve been learning and how the Lord comes into my own healing from the trauma of watching my late husband slowly deteriorate before my eyes and die 14 months after diagnosis at the age of 29 years old.

I was lucky to find a great counselor right before my late husband’s colon cancer diagnosis and be able to process his cancer, death, and pandemic. It hasn’t been easy to let someone else into my inner thoughts, wounds, insecurities for about 8 years now but I was encouraged to read in The Body Keeps The Score that it takes “courage to allow yourself to remember.” Being able to process so many things over the years has helped me move to the other side of grief and work through so many tough times and issues in my life connected to my late husband’s death and other things not connected to him.

Anyone else read this book or have thoughts about trauma, grief, and healing? What has helped you heal?

15/05/2021

May you be reminded today that even when others don’t see or understand you the Lord always sees and understands you. And may we not forget to stand with our friends and family when they are hurting instead of ignoring and keeping our distance. Pain can’t be fixed but it can always be joined.

https://www.smule.com/sing-recording/2632173103_4017319929

Lauren Daigle - Rescue recorded by AimeeP245 on Smule. Sing with lyrics to your favorite karaoke songs. | Smule Social Singing Karaoke app

09/05/2021

Alrighty, I FINALLY finished episode 10 today! I apologize ahead of time for the sound quality. I'm still figuring out the bugs with recording from a different device.
But the content is good and I hope that sharing about my struggles of persevering when I've already had more than I can handle can help encourage you if you feel like you are in a similar place as me.
If anything it helped me today work through and process a lot of things I've been journaling about recently so thank you for listening.
https://anchor.fm/agriefredeemed/episodes/Episode-10-Persevering-When-Youve-Had-More-Than-You-Can-Handle-e10h9qa

I am no stranger to persevering through hard things. If you know my story or listened to previous episodes, like episode 1, you know that getting through hard times is nothing new to me. But during this episode I share about how I feel like I have hit this wall where I feel like,"Haven't I suffered....

01/05/2021

A dear friend from college drew this picture and it really spoke to me the way only great art can. The worm is asking,”When is it my turn?”
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If I could find a piece of art that represents how I have felt for almost 7 years since my late husband died / currently feeling during this pandemic this piece of art is it.
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I have often felt like this earthworm. And watching all my friends get married, have multiple kids, go on fun anniversary trips with their spouses or do fun things as a family has been hard to endure year after year. It feels like being left behind.
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But just like this earthworm, its story will never be like everyone else because it’s not meant to be like everyone else. They may not outwardly transform and have extraordinary outward beauty like butterflies but the way they can transform and bring life and richness to soil in the earth is extraordinary and beautiful in its own way.
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This pandemic season I’ve been learning to stay grounded like this earthworm and to just keep transforming the soil that is before me and to embrace my unique and beautiful story.
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I know my story is unlike most people, and most people my age, but I hope whatever your story or journey has been like during this pandemic that you would learn to embrace your own unique story and journey. And to remember our stories are all different but that each story is extraordinary and beautiful in its own way. Sometimes seeing and realizing that takes time to see because we are looking at someone else’s story and not our own. Our story will never be someone else’s. All we can do is embrace what is before us and do the best we can with what we have been given in the present.
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It’s ok to grieve the difference, but embrace what is.

29/04/2021

I’ve been trying to craft and finish the 10th episode of my podcast but life just seems to get really busy, to weigh me down at times, and to discourage and even make me doubt if what I have to share even matters at times.
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As I took my son to the dentist today I suddenly found myself sharing about my late husband and how discouraging it has been to hold onto dreams of getting re-married and how hard it is to relate to people my own age after journeying terminal cancer and death of my late husband all before my 30’s.
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It just so happens, the receptionist could relate on some levels. She shared how she knew what it was like to have kids and dating after being married and feeling like she couldn’t relate to anyone her age. She divorced at 35 and felt like her dating life or ever getting re-married was a lost cause.
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She had so many encouraging things to say to me, but the thing that stuck out to me the most was,”If you are going to fight your battles, do it on your knees. And NEVER settle for anything less than God’s promises and a man that values you and your son.”
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She is the lighthouse in the middle of the desert of my life today as she pointed me back to the Lord and back onto my knees. I didn’t realize how much I needed to hear all of what she had to say and how much it meant to me to meet someone who has been in a similar situation as myself and to not give up. And it was just what I needed to shape and to craft the new episode that I hope to post this Saturday 🤞🏽🤞🏽🤞🏽🤞🏽

23/04/2021

It’s been quite a singing journey for me and learning to embrace a passion that I’ve always felt so passionately about but never truly felt confident in.
I went to a performing arts school in high school for dance and also music & theatre my junior and senior year and I was told by the director of music & theatre that I made it in for my acting not my singing. Ever since then I think I believed I wasn’t that good of a singer.
And as much I loved my late husband, when I would share the songs I wrote or would sing he would be silent and he would only praise my acting and dancing. So, I kept believing I wasn’t a good singer.
Fast forward almost 7 years after his death, I feel like I’m finally learning to embrace and believe that I truly can sing and that it is beautiful.
Here is the latest singing video that I’m actually proud of. Enjoy!

https://www.smule.com/sing-recording/754527573_3995400919

A Great Big World - Say Something recorded by AGreatBigWorld and AimeeP245 on Smule. Sing with lyrics to your favorite karaoke songs.

19/04/2021

I often find singing helps me process feelings that I feel and sometimes it helps me discover feelings I didn’t even know were there.
I found out my grandpa died this morning and felt like singing could help me process and express some of that loss.
I remember a college professor saying that just about every love song can be the Lord singing the lyrics. I encourage you to look up the lyrics to “To Make You Feel My Love” originally sung by Adele because picturing the Lord singing it especially when your heart is feeling weary or saddened can be so meaningful and so powerful.
Here is the video of you want to listen to that song:

https://www.smule.com/sing-recording/2632173103_3991475250

Adelle / Bob Dylan cover - You Make It Hard - Make you feel my love Acoustic recorded by AimeeP245 on Smule. Sing with lyrics to your favorite karaoke songs.

12/04/2021

Just wanted to share my upcoming podcast episode, episode 10, that I will be posting this Saturday. It is about persevering when you already feel like it’s more than you can handle.
*It’s been awhile since I have done a live video so enjoy my comments at the end. 🤪😄

07/04/2021

This fountain is just an ordinary fountain but what makes it beautiful is the beauty that it surrounds itself with.
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It makes me ponder what do I surround myself with?
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Do I surround myself with the Lord or with worry? With the Lord or with comparison? With the Lord or with doubt that he cares about my dreams too? With the Lord or with weariness that my life feels frozen in time raising a kid without a dad and no partner to share in the burdens of life.
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This pandemic has shook me and and discouraged me on so many levels. And there are days,even now that I think,”What use it to even hope for a chapter 2? Or to dream for anything good anymore?”
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But my counselor reminded me that I can either choose to wrestle with these things with the Lord or without him. Without him leaves me feeling so miserable.
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I’m still struggling to choose the Lord some days but I’m learning all the Lord wants from us is to just keep walking it with him. Sometimes I stumble and struggle but as long as I get up and keep walking with the Lord that is all that is needed at times.
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I long to be like this fountain. I hope that even when it’s hard that I keep surrounding myself with the beauty of the Lord and his presence. And to surround myself with his promises and his love.

27/03/2021

Well, it took me awhile but after many technical difficulties and a few set backs Episode 9 is finally done!
I bring my parents onto the show to talk about spiritual direction and why spiritual direction has meant so much to them in their own lives and why finding connection with the Lord in their jobs and in their own lives has made such a difference.
Their own journeys with the Lord have inspired me to go deeper with the Lord even when it's hard and I hope that what they share on my podcast would bless and encourage you in your own lives as well.
You can listen straight from the link below or on Spotify, Google Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.

https://anchor.fm/agriefredeemed/episodes/Episode-9-Spiritual-Direction-And-Why-Its-Important-er5919

In this episode I bring my wonderful parents onto my show to share a little of their journeys of seeking out spiritual direction after many years of having the Lord be in their own lives and how just going through the motions of doing the right things wasn't enough. I love what my dad shared on the....

22/03/2021

This quote is from Jesus Calling. In the waiting room of the hospital where Ben (my late husband) would get chemo they had free Jesus Calling devotionals for the patients and families.
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This little devotional was one of the many things that helped keep my focus on the Lord on some of the darkest days of his cancer, death, and this pandemic.
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I love this quote and the reminder of how important it is to invite the Lord into everything. I needed this reminder.

08/03/2021

I just recorded Episode 9 with my parents and will work on editing it during the week. If I finish it earlier than Saturday I will let you know.
For now, I thought I would share some of my favorite quotes from today’s recording with you all.

27/02/2021

What a year it has been so far in being able to help the kids in my classes navigate grief, loss, and hope.

We can never control what happens to us, but we can control what we do about it and let it change us into something beautiful.

I love this picture and how it reminds me that just like a caterpillar must struggle to become a butterfly, we also have to struggle to find beauty and growth in our lives.

This school year has been one of the hardest for me to adjust with all the changes at home and at school and worldwide but I remain thankful that there is always hope. And that hard years and hardships never last forever.

*To hope is to expect for good things to come. What good things do you hope for this year?

26/02/2021

I wanted to share this great book called Anatomy of the Soul by Curt Thompson this morning. He combines neuroscience and attachment with Christian spirituality and paying attention to our emotions as well.
So many times we focus so much on what we think God thinks of us but do you ever stop and think about how he feels about us? And how he delights and takes great joy in being with each of us?

23/02/2021

22/02/2021

Happy Monday everyone,
I thought I would share a book that I have enjoyed over the years as I grieve. It’s called Praying Our Goodbyes by Joyce Rupp. As a creative person I thought it was a great book to express my grief outwardly with some of these exercises and prayers.

In this video I share a Prayer For A Lonely
Day and exercepts of the exercise and prayers.

21/02/2021

Hello everyone!
I really enjoyed doing this episode and sharing all the different things GriefShare has taught me over the years.

GriefShare is a great grief support group that covers topics of grief, what to do when you get stuck, how to be there for loved ones who are grieving, and so much more!

I encourage you to check out the newest podcast episode.

If you have had experiences with GriefShare feel free to share what you have learned in the comments.

*And let me know in the comments if you have any other questions!

https://anchor.fm/agriefredeemed/episodes/Episode-8-Things-I-Learned-About-GriefShare-eqn0cl

In this episode I talk about what GriefShare has taught me over the years. It has been a great grief support group and resource to me over the years and it has taught me how to sit in someone else's grief and how to process many different topics and stages of grief with the support of others. There....

12/02/2021

Taking time to grieve things and loved ones are such important things in our healing journey.

Grieving the difference allows us the space to reflect, to mourn, to lament, to honor, to appreciate, and to bring our loved ones into the present with us.

What are things you find yourself grieving during this pandemic?

10/02/2021

I think the first thing we want to do ,and usually what we see in movies, is that people try to avoid their pain by staying busy.
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And even though I was going to counseling after my late husband died there were still ways I tried to avoid the pain. Things like distracting myself with taking care of my son, who was a toddler at the time of his dad’s death, and being so focused on him and trying to keep us busy with fun stuff.
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In the short term, I think it’s normal because you are trying to figure out how to do a two person job with one person but as time goes on staying busy constantly actually hindered me from processing the deeper pain.
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To truly process pain FULLY you have to slow down and you have to sit still in the pain. It is uncomfortable and it is painful but it is worth it in the end. Facing the pain and leaning into it instead of staying away from it is the only way to getting to the other side of grief. And it is the only way towards growth and healing.
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The story of Mary and Martha comes to my mind. Martha was so busy and distracted by so many things but Mary chose to sit at Jesus’ feet. Being like Mary is easier said than done. But a great reminder to me that as I navigate grief and my life in general only ONE THING is needed. To sit at the Lord’s feet and ask him how to get through EACH step.

09/02/2021

The latest episode is up and ready! I talk about the day to day grief and what I learned over time about grieving in the long term.
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I also address the difference between finding life giving things vs. doing “feel good” things.
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The first few months and even year after losing our loved ones are filled with a lot of intense pain,wanting to find things that numb it, and wanting to keep ourselves busy so we don’t have to face the pain. But in the long run,avoiding and numbing the pain just prolongs our grief and doesn’t move us toward healing.

https://anchor.fm/agriefredeemed/episodes/Episode-7-Surviving-The-Day-To-Day-and-Trigger-Days-Without-Loved-Ones-eq21js

Surviving and learning to live life without our loved ones is one of the hardest things we have to do. EVERYTHING and EVERY situation can be hard and everything can feel like a trigger. At times it can feel like there is not one minute you don't feel pain. I try to share an overview of what helped i...

04/02/2021