23/03/2024
I have not always known Christ. And to say I know him now, still feels very much like a fallacy. Unfortunately I have trekked through the desert most of my days; when you’re born there it’s kinda unavoidable. Though he has changed my life in ways I will forever be grateful for, it is still very challenging for me at times to resist the temptations of the enemy placed upon me.
I inherited my first Tarot deck from my brother who died from su***de who had inherited it from our grandmother. I inherited another of hers a few years later. But for the first few years they sat in the tin. The very same tin she had kept them in during my childhood. I can still vividly remember finding them on her dresser, amongst her knick-knacks, brick-a-brack, n jewelry boxes. I was mesmerized by the images (albeit doodles they were very graphic.)
The cards were moved from year to year, from one house to another, closet to closet, and maybe even an attic or two in between. Initially I just wanted to feel close to my grandmother and brother who had passed. I still miss them like crazy, and though I know they are still walking with me, I don’t know if I will ever not feel the ache. That out of breathe, numbness. The kind of hurt that follows you almost like a love sick puppy dog. It’s annoyingly sad and tbh you’re probably afraid that if you let off of the pain, especially for my brother who passed from su***de, it’s like they die all over. So you keep reliving their memories and deaths, if only in your mind, so they don’t ever truly die.
After my very ugly and honestly toxic marriage/divorce I felt lost and alone. I missed my grandma and brother more than ever and to be perfectly honest, made a real attempt at joining them…Though this was due to my toxic ex and the heinous acts at his hands. Shortly after our final separation ( we split for a year and attempted to reconcile for approximately 3 months), I became pregnant with my daughter. My Angel sent from god to redirect my life. It would be a few years before I would truly feel the call of Christ. The desert had a hold on me. Though I don’t believe that I was born blind and deaf, Spiritual dead, that is exactly what I was.
During this time, I remember breaking out my grandmother’s tarot cards almost as a joke, like a parlor trick, at get togethers n such. But then people started telling me how accurate I was. Revealing proprietary information that had never been shared with me to individuals, groups, and couples. This is when the devil thought he had me, as I was lead down the dangerous path of New Age Spirituality. Even attempting to start my own spiritual practice.
God is kind of funny like that, he will use our darkest times to lead us to him. Even when the Devil attempted to use and manipulate my gifts, my heart remained pure. Once I realized I was able to heal from my darkest and most traumatic experiences through my gifts I began to feel called to help others. I felt so strongly that I had been called by god to help heal others as 2 years of therapy couldn’t scratch the surface of my wounds.
After honing my spiritual gifts more, I began offering readings and spiritual guidance to others for money (a sure sign that the enemy was at play!) At first things seemed great, I was able to bring some extra income into my home and help others to heal. What wasn’t there to be happy about? In all of my journey my heart was always aligned with god and helping others. So how could it be a bad thing?
Ultimately I was spiritually ignorant and opened myself and my family up to attacks from the enemy and his forces. Eventually my life changed dramatically and I began experiencing demonic oppression. I sank into a deep depression and lost all hope. My job, home, family and romantic life all plummeted into chaos. I was on the edge of the abyss, clawing my way out of the pit as these “forces” did all they could to drag me to hell.
God used this era to show me how important what we consume and aligned ourselves with is, not just physically but mentally and spiritually as well. During my time in the abyss, I felt absolutely no call to use my cards. Though I attempted to force myself a time or two… ok maybe a few more than that.
Even during my walk in darkness I began to feel more called to God and began turning to scripture more and more. And in this time God spoke to me, revealing that the power did not lie in the cards but within my heart. Which is why the enemy tried to corrupt it from day one.
Uhh sorry not sorry… Your girl was born a fighter, a warrior against evil. Always sticking up for the underdog and underprivileged, God knew I would not stand for the corruption and wickedness. Even in my ignorance I served god, as I did not fully understand the implications of my decisions and actions.
I still cannot fully express how deeply grateful I am that he has shown me grace in my ignorance. I have said it before but it is worth saying again…
Wickedness exists in this world and we are bound to be exposed to it along our journey. In fact one might argue it is necessary in order to fully understand and embrace the power of the love of Christ. His love and grace is revealed to us in his acceptance of our sins and the suffering we bare because of them. He accepts our flesh and the pain it garners, often at our own hands, so that we may learn to love ourselves and others without judgment.
Through him we are able to understand that the worldly sins many of us struggle with especially those of the flesh open us to take up unclean spirits. These unclean spirits can lead us astray - planting seeds of doubt, lust, fear, anger, and despair. Christ opens your heart to not only his love but to a path to really loving you and your fellowman.
Where the holy spirit dwells, unclean spirits cannot. Taking up the Holy Spirit is the process of perfecting your heart. Turning from sin and learning to see yourself through his eyes and through your heart, not only do you begin to speak differently but you walk differently and you move differently. You begin to have hope again and then you start to really love what you see when your eyes are fixed on God and not tainted with wickedness of the world.
We know the path towards righteousness is narrow but it reveals to us that without God we would not have redemption. I thank god I am no longer living in ignorance of the sins against myself and my body. Christ comes to each of us in our darkest moments, loving us in our brokenness wholeheartedly. Without his presence I would still be living life in idolatry and sin, not understanding my identity as a daughter of Christ. Sinning against a heart fully loved and owned by god is not loving myself.
God’s goodness and grace even in my ignorance and arrogance astounds me. Christ saw my heart, as he did each of you. He finds each of us as we walk the lonely road through the Valley of Death and regardless if we have the courage or faith to trust him, he walks with us. He walks with us through our darkness and pain. Strengthening us as we learn to walk with him, so we may use what we once deemed weaknesses as our super powers in Christ. He shows us the way of the few and out of each of our own personal hells.
